I feel nothing for them

[SarahM333]

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

Ah, the old touching a nerve gambit. Actually, pet theories with no basis in fact do bug me - I'm the logical type. But mainly I think that if you're going to go round saying stuff that wounds already hurting children you should have a good reason for it. I'm not defensive for myself - I don't care whether you think I love my children or not, any more than you would care if I posted suggesting you don't love yours - but I do care about all adopted children who so often have to hear this sort of tripe.

So could I ask my question again: are you interested in the experience of people who have actually lived this and know about it? Or is nourishing your pet theory more important to you?

Why does OP " feel nothing for them" as she asks ?
When her baby is born in May, I am certain that she will feel something alright. Can you explain why this is the case please?

Don't be disingenous, 123. Clearly, OP barely knows these children and she is certainly not mothering them. That doesn't mean she couldn't love them.

I'm quite prepared to accept that some people only love their own bio children. And I have no quarrel with them. It's something else altogether to say that NOBODY can love children who they have not given birth to.

I'm gay, but that doesn't mean I think heterosexual love is a deluded fantasy...

Now I've answered your question, perhaps you can answer mine. I have a biological child and an adopted child, and I love them both with enormous passion. Can you explain why this is the case please?

You must be exceptional, I suppose.

Me and every other adoptive parent I know.

Ok Dev., I am happy to know that it's possible to love other people's children as ones own.
I haven't met another child I could love, so that's me out of the qualifying round to adopt!
I believe I do love my nieces and nephews, but not in the same way as I love my very own children. I just think that this is simply the natural order of things. Sorry if this doesn't fit into someone's political view.

Thankfully 123 you thinking that DNA provides the only reason to love a child doesn't make it true. I do understand though that some people don't have the imagination to see past what they imagine is the reason why they love their children.

You don't love your neices and nephews in the same way as your children because you aren't their parent surely even you can see the difference?

I have come to the conclusion over many years that some people really can't love unconditionally and its always interesting to be faced with the proof. Let's hope its never discovered that there wasn't a mix up at the hospital with one of your little cherubs. Poor things feet won't touch the floor as they're whisked back to the genetic parents and you get your real child back.

Not quite sure why someone questioning your slightly chilly attitude to parenting is deemed " political" though .

Out of interest your children have only half your DNA, your grandchildren will only have a quarter (about the same your neices and nephews have) do you think you're going to feel a bit "meh" about them too?

You feel how you feel, no shame in that. I think it can be a great strength to recognise your limitations. Might be worth thinking about why you believe everyone shares those limitations and why you believe your children could never be worthy of love without some kind of biological imperative. Of course I don't know your children and you do, so I'll have to take your word for it.

123, you are comparing apples and pears. Of course you will always love your own children more than any other children. However, for most normal people, whether your own child is your own blood or not is irrelevant.

Love for a child is born from an inner sense to protect them. You will of course always feel the need to protect your own children over any other child.

You can also learn to love anyone, whether a child, an adult, even a friend because you build something together that is special to you and that person and that bond is strong enough to mean that you would hurt deeply if it was broken.

My family is a bit of a mix and match, divorces, re-marriages, adoptions, and yet we are somehow a very united and loving family because all have kept an open heart to potential love.

No-one should be pressured, manipulated or bullied to decide who they should love or not love. Giving an ultimatum on this basis is spiteful. I couldn't possibly respect anyone telling me who I can love and show that love to and who I can't. My feelings are my own and always will be.

I shake my head in amazement at some people's views.
Of course you can love other people's children!

DStepMum met my Dad when I was 17. We love each other, very much. She gets Mothers Day cards, birthday and Christmas gifts, regular phone calls and we spend a lot of time together independent of my Dad.

I have DNeph 30% of the time (DSis a single parent, father never been around, DNeph disabled) and I definitely love him as much as I love my own DCs.

Lots of bio parents don't love their children. Biology does not mean love. If it did, there would be no abused and neglected children, and my DNeph would have a Dad (as would many other children) if that were the case.

I feel a lot of pity for the PPs who have such a narrow minded view on parental love.

It is indeed true that many biological parents don't love their own children. I would say they are possibly suffering from mental illness or poor parenting by their own parents.

this thread is some of the absolute worst I have ever seen on mn and I've been here for over ten years.

I can understand the view that some people would be unable to love a non biological child in the same way as their own, but there is a vast difference between saying that you couldn't love a non biological child the same way and that no-one loves non biological children in the same way. can you actually comprehend what the meaning is of what you're saying there?

Essentially what you're saying is that every adopted child must surely face up to the reality that they are not able to be loved in the same way as they would be loved were their biological parents still on the scene. As if adopted children don't struggle enough sometimes with attachments and the realisation that biological parents have abandoned/neglected/abused them to the point that they have been removed from those biological parents, you know, the ones who are the only ones who could love them....

Some people need to take a serious long hard look at themselves and the actual reality and the implications of what their narrow-minded, ignorant, selfish opinions actually mean.

Basically it means that all children are horrible and that they are only loveable if you carried them for 9 months and gave birth!
Thankfully my children are loved by people who are not biologically related and I am able to love those that I am not biologically related to.

To be fair on reflection I don't think we should give 123 a hard time because what she believes and projects onto others does have a kind of logic. If you don't have the empathy and imagination to be able to accept that you could love a child that didn't share your DNA (or gave birth to? I'm not totally sure of the criteria whether surrogate children would cut the mustard or not) then of course you don't have the kind of thought processes/empathy/imagination to realise that not everyone feels the way you do. That because you feel that way, that it must be some kind of immutable law that applies to everyone.

In fact people sometimes start off not loving their own biological child but end up loving them through a process not dissimilar to the love that grows with a child who is adopted - it doesn't make them mentally ill! Most likely they're a bit short of oxytocin.

There isn't a natural law - plenty of proof in the animal world of adults "adopting" and nurturing young that aren't their own, sometimes not even of the same species.

Sarah - of course you feel nothing for these children they are nothing to you, you barely know them and have no relationship with them.

But your DP isn't going to drop them (not even on the say so of mumsnetters who have pronounced what is important) nor should you want him to. I would have great respect for a man who goes to some lengths to maintain a link with those children - it bodes well for his commitment in future to your child.

You don't need to love them as your own (though I wouldn't preclude the possibility in your own mind) and you might be surprised to discover that your child will almost definitely see them as siblings and will want to be part of that family group.

You are the adult here and I'd suggest you make some attempt to get to know these children gradually over the next few months - otherwise you may find yourself in the position that your DP and your own DC think rather less of you for not being able to at least rub along with what they consider to be their family once a month.

The biological bit is neither here nor there. Plenty of parents reject their children and plenty take in other people's children.

To be fair the biological is helpful - 9 months to bond prior to arrival and a pile of oxytocin is useful!

I don't disagree if it was in general discussion. There are plenty of people who couldn't adopt because they would be unable to love a non biological child as their own. There are plenty of people who feel they couldn't be step parents for similar reasons, and plenty of people who shouldn't be step parents because of the same....

But this thread was one in which an op essentially feels nothing for sdc with whom she as yet doesn't have a relationship, and certain posters have minimised the relationship the op's dp has with a child which is not biologically his, going so far as to state that biology trumps everything and any other viewpoint is surplus. 123's contribution has taken the thread completely away from that altogether because she made the very sweeping statement that only a parent can love a child who is biologically their's and when challenged on adoption she agreed that it was not possible to love a child which isn't yours biologically. not that she s
couldn't, but that no-one could.

There are plenty of adoptive parents on here, and actually there are probably many on here who were adopted who find this viewpoint incredibly offensive.

The key here is expectation. It's not actually wrong to admit that you couldn't love a non biological child in the same way as your own. Many people don't, and wouldn't adopt as a result, nor would they become involved with someone who has children of their own. But the viewpoint that no-one can love a non biological child as much as they do their own is offensive and needs challenging.

I thought I was shocked as much as I could be by the dismissive attitude towards non bio children by one or two posters on this thread.

Then I read 123's post......

Aside from the obvious fact that people can and do love their step and adopted children, 123, what about grandparents? The love of a doting grandparent for their GC is practically legendary.

I really don't think the observable facts are on your side here.

Sarah - Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting? - I don't know if you are still around OP - this is an amazingly long thread! Yes, you can be more accepting if you want to. It sounds like you are hitting the reality of having a kid with a man who has a huge amount of responsibilities. These cannot be made to go away.

My DP has a child that is not biologically his (with his Ex Wife - Dad is around but not much involved). You may well have negative feelings about DP being 'overburdened' by the Ex wife in this way - which may be true - it's kind of true with my DP - but it doesn't matter how it came to be.

If your DP has been doing this long enough for the non biological kid to feel attachment to him/sibling - then I think that you HAVE to accept this with good faith.

I never, ever, bring up distinction with DP and the non biological child. As far as I'm concerned, his non biological child is his child, that he loves as much as the others.

I think that you'll just have to make a choice. If your DP is a good man, he will ensure that your child gets as much love and care as his other kids, biological or not.

You become more accepting by getting to know the child, making your own relationship and spending time alone with them- not doing it all through DP.
It is much easier if you are relating to Harry (random name) than DP's DSS which makes it all nothing much to do with you.

I think it's very hard to be accepting, when in your heart you know you're just not! But if you want to stay with this man and build a loving, happy relationship, you're going to have to find a way, because it sounds as if these two children will be part of it...like it or not!
If you want him in your life you have two choices, really work on how you can make the DC part of your family in the best possible way, creating an acceptable atmosphere for all concerned....or you can fake it as and when you have to, a course of action I can tell you, is exhausting!

If a man has children the choice is simple- you accept them or walk away.
If he loves them he can't separate and whether they are biological or not makes no difference.