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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should we have same rules for all?! DSD gets away with SO much more!

66 replies

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 17:55

My DSD never tidies her room, hardly brushes her hair, goes to sleep when she wants at weekends, has no restrictions to her computer use (17 years old). My DS (11) has to do a quick tidy of his room most days, gets flack from me if his hair is a mess, has regular bedtimes, restrictions on computers and more. They both are resident with us and I'm a SAHM so with them most of the time.

I've put my foot down over somethings - DSD must brush her hair (for her own self esteem if nothing else), and rudeness but have met SUCH opposition from her every time, and little understanding/back up from my OH who either doesn't see the point or just tells me to ask her to do stuff if I want.

I don't think it's healthy to be so different, and it's like the girl isn't being parented an awful lot? It's like there are these big gaps, and it doesn't seem fair on my son who is really understanding.

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/08/2015 18:01

Well I don't think you can apply exactly the same rules to an 11 year old boy and a 17 year old girl. I think it is fine to have some rules though.

Mind you, my teens have messy bedrooms and u brushed hair a lot of the time so I am probably not the best one to comment.

"Don't sweat the small stuff", is a pretty good mantra with difficult teens.

Original poster

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 18:19

Thanks Twinkly... the problem is I rarely if ever apply rules to older DSD - who really should be behaving more maturely not less than an 11 year old - and those 'small things' that I don't comment on are building up... aaarghhh!

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caravanista13 · 13/08/2015 18:23

At 17 she's practically an adult. She may not be behaving like one but I think you have to take a step back at this point and let her make her own mistakes.

SuburbanRhonda · 13/08/2015 18:24

Why does it matter to you if she brushes her hair?

And what makes you think it's in any way connected to her self-esteem?

swingofthings · 13/08/2015 18:24

Whose rules is it, yours, your OH or joint? As clearly the rules that apply to both should be agreed by both.

I personally would find it very odd to have a rule about brushing hair for a 17yo. They are almost an adult, it's their head, their life. I would be much more concerned about why they don't care about their appearance.

nulgirl · 13/08/2015 18:35

The rules that you are trying to impose are frankly bonkers for a 17 year old. Why are you trying to mandate when she goes to bed and how much computer use she has. Not surprised she is rude to you. Are you hoping she gets so unhappy that she leaves home?

You should explain to your son that different rules are appropriate for different ages. She is much older than him so when he is her age then he can set his own bed time and decide if he wants to brush his hair. Unless you are planning to continue your very heavy handed style of parenting with him too.

Original poster

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 18:45

Suburban and caravanista - Because I'm running a family home, not a hotel! Sorry to put it harshly, but there is a big difference. Who pays bills/sorts house/cooks/washes... me! And her Dad.

A family home is where you learn the skills to become an adult isn't it? Like taking care of yourself, respecting others etc.

My DSD was not brushing her hair/washing/changing etc to quite a marked degree. I felt that it was better off tackled sensitively by her Dad/Mum so asked them to do this - maybe take her out clothes shopping, that kind of thing. Her Dad felt a little out of his depth so he asked her mum but she did nothing. So on a day to day basis it falls on me - and I regularly tell my own son to change if he comes down in dirty clothes. As an adult they should be doing this themselves.

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holidaysarenice · 13/08/2015 18:49

Don't sweat the small stuff. -precisely.

Manners, respect, kindness and honesty. Those are the basics and are a two way road. Other than that she's almost an adult who can take care/choose for herself.

AliceAlice1979 · 13/08/2015 18:49

Do you know why she doesn't brush her hair?
I'd not set that kind of house rule for a 11 and a 17 year old the same. Rules that could be the same would be to things like clear your plates off the table, not leaving rubbish around, no swearing etc.

SuburbanRhonda · 13/08/2015 18:53

I don't understand this at all.

If you're worried about her emotional wellbeing as suggested in your drip-feed, I would leave this to her parents. It does not fall to you, unless you and she are close, which doesn't sound likely. Don't frame it as her breaking the rules of your house. It's not about you.

Original poster

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 18:54

nulgirl - so she can just do what she likes and my son has to tow the line? She can never tidy her room but my son does? How is that being a mature 17 year old? Is she cooking for the family? Washing her own clothes?

I haven't said anything about her bedtimes or computer use btw to her but using that to illustrate the differences.

Heavy handed? I don't think you've read my post at all. What I'm saying is that I stand back from almost everything and it's getting crazy.

And as for the hair brushing - who would let a teenager not look after themselves? Is that caring in any way? I've done this so gently, given her nice toiletries for her hair etc, encouraged her to get her own nice clothes. How do you think the future would be if I just let everything go - continued to cook for and clean for a girl who was being an adult but not set any expectations on her at all?

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mummyneedinganswers · 13/08/2015 18:55

Have you co sidereal she mY be depressed as not washing or changing are tell tale signs. And as for bed time rules that's ridiculous please she's 17 I grew up in care and we didn't have bed time rules at 15-18. Although I've been living on my own from 16 so if someone gave me a 'bedtime rule' I'd laugh at them. Your son is 11 he should have rules but not bedtime computer rules for a 17 year old. And you say your running a house not a hotel but I don't see how bedtime comes into that if she's still living at home at 18 r u seriously going to give her a bed time ? I think you need to relax a bit and explain to your fs that he's far younger and isn't old enough to stay up x

scatterthenuns · 13/08/2015 18:57

Because I'm running a family home, not a hotel!

Be careful saying this out loud to a teenager. A friend once said this to her 18 year old DS, and he wrote her a poor TripAdvisor review and put it on the fridge.

saintlyjimjams · 13/08/2015 19:01

Unless she's depressed she sounds a fairly typical teenager to me. Bedtime for a 17 year old is bonkers (& out of interest what time do you think it should be?)

SuburbanRhonda · 13/08/2015 19:01

scatter

Brilliant!

MrsUltracrepidarian · 13/08/2015 19:04

Big difference between 17 & 11!
I have 17 yo and a 15 yo, and we apply different rules to them.

17 yo is nearly an adult and goes out late, showers when he think it necessary etc - his hair is his own business!

Both have to do certain things - eg bringing down bedding/clothes and putting in w'machine, hovering rooms, various cooking chores etc, but more so the 17yo as he is nearly an adult...

So your DSD needs to do a bit more 'adult' stuff, but not your concern re her personal stuff.

Whereas vice versa for the 11 yo.

AmeliaNeedsHelp · 13/08/2015 19:05

Could you sit down with your DP and agree 'household rules' about things like manners, ensuring all rooms are tidied and cleaned once each week etc?

I don't think you can have the same rules for a 17yo and an 11yo. So you can have rules on bedtimes, hair brushing etc for an 11yo and some responsibilities like doing dishes or helping with cooking once a week for a 17yo.

Also, whether she brushes her hair, uses nice products, has new clothes etc is up to her. If she really cba to make an effort with her appearance, then that's her choice as an (almost) adult.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/08/2015 19:06

DD2 is 16. I don't have bedtime rules as such but do suggest the odd early night if she is looking a bit tired. To be honest she has a friend over, or sleeps at a friend's very often on the weekends. I can't police those sort of late nights even if I wanted to.

DD had a depressed phase when her self care went a bit awry. Quite a few times I helped her do a big massive spring clean of her room; I think sometimes it just overwhelmed her. She also needed a bit of chivvying into the shower and clothes being whipped into the washing machine to prevent them being worn too often.

I tried the shouty and strict approach and it made things worse. Being really kind and nurturing has had amazing results.

MrsUltracrepidarian · 13/08/2015 19:09

Re bedtimes - we still chivvy our 15yo to be in bed at a reasonable time and close down screens.
We don't do this with the 17yo.
When he goes out the rule is he has to txt me when he is on his way home ( and where from!). I don't see the txt as I am asleep at 1am but if I woke and he wasn't there wld know vaguely his whereabouts. (And as we are in London cld see where his Oyster card was last checked in)
Like the poster who was in care, maybe our experience is shaped by DH DF who was a refugee in the 2WW and fled from the Nazis aged 18 - by 17 the small stuff is irrelevant.

Original poster

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 19:13

mummyneedinganswers... Yes I do think her not looking after herself has a lot to do with her confidence.

Manners, respect... yes but I think cooperating with similar rules are part of this. She's pretty rude and ignores me and my son most of the time - I think this goes hand in hand with expecting dinner/clothes washed but not tidying her own room when asked.

I haven't set rules for her bedtime at all - but sometimes I think it is crazy - she gets up at 4/5pm and goes to sleep at 4/5am.

I suppose a lot of what I'm saying is that with no expectation of cooperation from a 17 year old I'm scared we are creating a whole heap of trouble - growing into an adult who just lazes around the house expecting everything to be done for them and just doing what they like!!

OP posts:

Justbatteringon · 13/08/2015 19:18

kkaty it sounds like you've already decided what you think the rules should be. It doesn't matter what any of us say.

Original poster

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 19:19

scatter - yes funny! But if either did that to me I'd feel like telling them to bugger off then and run their own place!!! Talk about being slaves!!!

OP posts:

Burnet · 13/08/2015 19:19

Someone who is not washing, not looking after basic appearance / personal tidiness, is living in a pigsty, is awake all night and asleep all day, is rude and isolating herself, is most probably depressed.

scatterthenuns · 13/08/2015 19:20

Is she actually neglectful of her self care, or does she think her clothes and hair look cool?

Original poster

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 19:21

Justbatteringon - no, I am taking on board that bedtimes and computer use. I had never ever said anything about these before anyway, but yes these are things she is old enough to police herself.

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