Should we have same rules for all?! DSD gets away with SO much more!

[Kkaty]

My DSD never tidies her room, hardly brushes her hair, goes to sleep when she wants at weekends, has no restrictions to her computer use (17 years old). My DS (11) has to do a quick tidy of his room most days, gets flack from me if his hair is a mess, has regular bedtimes, restrictions on computers and more. They both are resident with us and I'm a SAHM so with them most of the time.

I've put my foot down over somethings - DSD must brush her hair (for her own self esteem if nothing else), and rudeness but have met SUCH opposition from her every time, and little understanding/back up from my OH who either doesn't see the point or just tells me to ask her to do stuff if I want.

I don't think it's healthy to be so different, and it's like the girl isn't being parented an awful lot? It's like there are these big gaps, and it doesn't seem fair on my son who is really understanding.

Some rules should be the same for both, things like clearing away after themselves, keeping their room tidy, being respectful. They both can pitch in with housework too, like take turns in doing dishes, vacuuming, if they are at home more during the hols then they could be pitching in more.

Would it work if everyone sat down together and made a roster?

I think it's wrong to want her to have a bedtime or limit her computer use. You say she goes to bed when she wants at weekends, does she have a bedtime for during the week? Your ds is old enough to understand that his sister is older and almost an adult so doesn't have bedtimes, your dsd is also old enough to deal with any consequences of her staying up too late, like being tired at school etc.

Hoe you manage to sort something out OP.

That didn't make grammatical sense (above!) I meant I've never limited my DSD about bedtimes or computer use before, and she's been living with me for 6 years. But as you've all pointed out, probably a bit late now, and not the most important.

Sorry I cross posted

INickedaName - thanks for that. I did ask for that, for very basic things likes not being rude and saying thanks for dinner, which were met by a lot of opposition from DSD, then she did it for a while, then she stopped and OH didn't notice, and when I told him he said it was between us... sigh!!

Thanks INickedAName - good advice anyway.

Does she go to college? Or work? I know at 17 I had no bedtime and worked in a local nightclub until 3am at weekends so wouldn't rise until late in the day. Had College through the week. A structure may be what she needs not a telling off.

Burnet and scatterthenuns - I think it's a little of both, I think she thinks it is cool not to bother with things, and gets very defensive.

My personal view is that she is prone to getting depressed and that the more she is 'left' to just deteriorate, not have to make an effort, as it were, the worse she feels. Whereas if I give her a bit of a nudge and get her out, she brightens up. I do take on board that she's 17, but it's like she's still quite immature and the more she is expected to do, the more she actually bothers and it benefits her in the end.

I suppose tidying the room is one thing I'd like to change. She never does it. She did it once in the last few months.

Maybe I should be expecting her to wash her own clothes and tidy her room once every two weeks. Something like that.

Depression is not about not making the effort. It's a mental illness.

You don't sound very in tune with her, I have to admit. She might appear to be brightening up when you chivvy her out of bed because she knows how important rules and a tidy house are to you.

I would recommend visiting the Young Minds website and having a look on there for suggestions about how to parent a teen with possible depression. Even if she's going through a period of low mood, the advice will apply just the same.

SuburbanRhonda - Thanks I've read that before and was one of the few people in her life who is doing anything about it. But I suppose I don't win if I do try - if someone is in low mood the advice is to encourage regular sleeping, eating, excercise, looking after yourself as well as other things. And I don't win if I don't try - i.e. just ignore her.

Part of the role I suppose!!

And just another thing Surburban - think it's a little harsh for you to say that my nudging her is all about me!!!

I have a 17 and 9 year old.

The 17 year old has very few rules or chores and if she wants her room to be a tip, then she can live in it, I will not get into that endless row with her again.

However she is at 6th form, works part time, volunteers and does activities and sees friends. I expect her to be home at a reasonable time unless it's a party and then we normally pick her up. I expect her to put a load of washing in if she's got a morning free and empty the bin/dishwasher if asked. She helps cook or will cook for her and her sister and basically I accept she's nearly an adult and I treat her like one. I've not imposed a bedtime or limited computer time for three years and she's got into the habit of going to bed early enough that she can get up at 6.30 for school or work.

The 9 year old obviously has a bedtime, computer limits and needs to be treated as the child she still is. Once she's older the rules will drop a bit more and I hope I've then got two girls who are young adults with the ability to cope and manage their own lives.

I've got a dsd of 12 too, who also needs to be told to brush her hair, put clean clothes on. But we have her so rarely the rules for her are different because her mum's way of doing things is ingrained. But in this house I refuse to do the Disney stuff and expect her to pull her weight, same as my two.

coffee... that is really helpful. I think part of my fustration is that I've been caring for DSD for 6 years and she was let do what she wanted since I've known her, aged 12. Watching her grow, she is struggling with what your child seems to be gliding through with much more ease - she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, has little friends, gets aggressive if we place any demands on her.

Yes it's probably too late for most 'guidance' like computer/bedtime - but I wonder whether all the years of this not happening has given her no skills/ability to be able to do this now herself.

Jobs and volunteering are great for giving kids a sense of self worth and helping them to mature.

Does your DD have any career plans or enthusiasms that would benefit from a spot of volunteering?

Tinkly - yes good advice. Have tried to encourage DSD to volunteer/jobs. Met with a blank 'my life has nothing to do with you'.

To be honest I'm more concerned at the moment with my son and wanting the atmosphere in the house to be more fair and cooperative for his sake now. I've done lots for DSD and as other posters have said, she's nearly an adult, and it's her own parents who are the best, and she doesn't want my 'help' anyhow.

However, I don't want the house to feel so one sided anymore.

So stop washing her clothes, then she will have to wash them herself.

Sorry you found it harsh.

But supporting someone with depression - if indeed that's what she has - is not about you winning.

It's about you supporting her to get better at her own pace. Getting her out exercising, getting enough sleep and looking after herself are all very well but those things are counter-intuitive if you're depressed.

Your son is old enough to understand that you will have very different expectations for a 17 year old and him.

Your DSD may be depressed and need medical help, saying "I don't want the house to feel so one sided anymore" shows you really do lack any understanding of mental illness or even teenagers. Your DSD need support and kindness not berating daily for simple things like not brushing her hair.

To be fair, the OP is in an incredibly difficult situation: for six years she has cared for her DSD like a mother, but she does not have the "status" of a mother to be allowed to intervene in a positive way in her DSD's life. And she has to stand by whilst the girl's biological parents apparently don't give a monkeys.

The OP hasn't said how she knows her DSD's mother isn't being supportive. She may just not be doing things the OP feels are important.

And you don't have to be a mother to be sympathetic, to listen and to support someone who may be in distress. This is why schools can make such a positive impact if a child's home life is chaotic.

I think the problem is that the OP is focusing on things such as tidiness and house rules and not on supporting her DSD. Tbh, I can't believe she visited the Young Minds website and came away with the view that the depressed person needs to exercise and get plenty of sleep in order to improve things.

Well exercise is pretty well proven to help depression. It helps my DD. If she's getting a bit down, gently chivvying her out for a run does a power of good, and I am pretty sure helps prevent her slipping back into depression.

But, what I'm trying to say is, as a stepmother, the OP maybe carries a bit less weight with her DSD in terms of being able to intervene/persuade her into making positive changes.

FWIW, I am someone with little or no experience of depression before my DD suffered, and, as someone who has managed to deal pretty well with a poor hand in life, I was previously very much of the "For goodness sake pull yourself together mindset". I have since educated myself and learned a lot, but it is a steep learning curve. At least the OP obviously wants to help her DSD. That is a good start surely.

I've worked with people with mental health problems for many years, although I wouldn't consider myself expert at all. And I spent a lot of time with adults and older teenagers, assisting on many different levels - including stuff like tidy their rooms/get social support/going for a walk/talking to experts/manage their critical times.

Everyone is different - but the idea that you get through depression just be being left alone with the odd kind word is not something that I've ever seen any evidence of. Or maybe I'm completely out of touch.

But - at the risk of being completely flamed again - my son also has 'issues' which I won't go into here - which need support - and one of these is being in a 'reasonably' healthy and fair household - I need to balance a lot here.

Yes, I'm the same, tinkley, no experience of depression until it hit DD age 16 like a steam train. She's now on the road to recovery but she has said she was always grateful that I took her lead in terms of what was right for her.

So I also think it's great the OP wants to help. I just hope she listens and doesn't feel she's not "winning" if she doesn't get it right first time, or indeed ever.

X-post, OP!

There is a whole range range of options for support in between encouraging exercise and room-cleaning, and "being left alone with the odd kind word".

But I think you know that.