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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should we have same rules for all?! DSD gets away with SO much more!

66 replies

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 17:55

My DSD never tidies her room, hardly brushes her hair, goes to sleep when she wants at weekends, has no restrictions to her computer use (17 years old). My DS (11) has to do a quick tidy of his room most days, gets flack from me if his hair is a mess, has regular bedtimes, restrictions on computers and more. They both are resident with us and I'm a SAHM so with them most of the time.

I've put my foot down over somethings - DSD must brush her hair (for her own self esteem if nothing else), and rudeness but have met SUCH opposition from her every time, and little understanding/back up from my OH who either doesn't see the point or just tells me to ask her to do stuff if I want.

I don't think it's healthy to be so different, and it's like the girl isn't being parented an awful lot? It's like there are these big gaps, and it doesn't seem fair on my son who is really understanding.

OP posts:

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coffeeisnectar · 13/08/2015 22:05

Has she got time to do NCS before she turns 18? My teen is doing it at the moment and loving it. They had a week of fun stuff, a week of learning life skills (budgeting, cooking, getting best deals when shopping) and are doing a community project for the next two weeks. If you can book her on that, she will learn so much!

Is she at school? College? Apprenticeship?

Does she like animals? Is there a rescue centre she can volunteer at? Dog walking etc. Or a stables where she can do some free work?

My teen is working as a youth worker with kids of 12 at a youth club and is also a lifeguard. So she has boosted her confidence through those. She hasn't found life easy (and she's been hard work) over the last couple of years, really stressed over school, worrying about everything but very slowly it's starting to come together. I'm not sure my dsd would be so receptive to my input. I've been into school and basically put her on a lock down where she's been restricted on where she goes in her free lessons and have gone on at her at home, nagged her, cuddled her, listened to her and basically shuffled her along to this point. We actually went away two days before she did leaving her alone and she went to work and didn't burn the house down. She got back before us and did her laundry so we are getting there.

My dsd wouldn't be interested in listening to me at all. Maybe talking to your son when she's about, about duke of Edinburgh, NCS, volunteering etc for when he's older might pique her interest. It may make her feel like it's not being pushed on her but is something that's open to all young people.

Original poster

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 22:09

Suburban / Tinkley - I've been doing this for 6 years - the 'not winning' is I get put down whatever I do - from DSD - from her parents at times - and even from this board tbh!!! I have been advised to back off, to leave her alone as she is nearly an adult, but then expected to the childs main support/guidance out of depression! That's a pretty tall order for anyone I think.

Good on both of you for helping your own kids. It's not easy and you both sound like you've been trying really hard and care a lot about them.

OP posts:

amarmai · 13/08/2015 22:14

sorry you seem to be struggling on your own ,op even while her dad is right there. Wonder if he will be so laissez faire when your son follows suit?

Original poster

Kkaty · 13/08/2015 22:23

coffee... these are such great suggestions, thanks. I will try again, but I've got a lot of flack from DSD who has always been super defensive over anything I've tried to help her with. I suggested voluntary work, she loves dogs and there is a local guide dogs place here and I got all the info on voluntary work... she got cross with me and refused to talk about it. She said she'd only talk to her mum and dad - which she does - so I gave info to her Dad but she refused again. She looks down at anything I try and suggest 'sideways' - and won't join in any conversations with me and my son.

It sounds like you've done an amazing job with your teen.

Perhaps that is part of it - I've often felt like I am just not the right person to be in the main role of parent - you have to have some 'limits' or ability to influence your child alongside all the warmth and encouragement - which just doesn't work with a DSC, especially one who is now nearly an adult.

OP posts:

INickedAName · 13/08/2015 23:59

With the winning thing, I think the OP meant no matter what she does,it's never right. Can't do right for doing wrong type thing. Trying to help can often be classed as overstepping boundaries, or you can be told it's the parents job and none of your business, if you back off, or wait for the parents to do whatever then you can be called uncaring and cold hearted, and as each family and their dynamics are different finding that middle ground is hard.

I'm have very little knowledge of mental health but just wanted to say I hope you find a solution.

Wdigin2this · 14/08/2015 00:05

I think at 17 your DSD's bedtime and screen use is really down to her....provided of course she's not up all hours disturbing the rest of the household! And you're right, she should at 17 be keeping her room tidy, and have set age appropriate chores in the same way as your son probably does! She is a resident of the household, not a guest so she should expect to act as part of a team, and if there is any reason to speak to her about issues relating to her behaviour, her dad need to step and be a proper father!

coffeeisnectar · 14/08/2015 00:15

It sounds hard, like she resents you when quite clearly you are trying to be a friend to her. My dd would love the guide dog's thing although I'd be wary of her sneaking them home. It's not been easy with my dd, we've had a few battles and still do at times but as her mum it's easier than if I was her stepmum.

Her dad really needs to start actively pushing her to do something. Can't she get a job? Anything? Maybe if you source info and give it direct to dad so it comes from him it might work.

Original poster

Kkaty · 14/08/2015 00:32

INicked/Widigin/Coffee - all very good food for thought and suggestions.

She really doesn't want a job - she avoids anything that means she has to come off of a computer tbh - one of the reasons why her parents back off is that she gets very angry at any suggestion that she 'does' anything. She's a very 'leave me alone' type but quite dependent, but doesn't allow help.

Her mum sent her to live with us as she said that she found her daughter too difficult (6 years ago) - yet treated me as if I didn't exist in her daughters life and would say I was butting in their business if I raised any issues with her/Dad/DSD.

OP posts:

SuburbanRhonda · 14/08/2015 09:05

OP, I can see what you mean now by the "can't win" comment.

But sometimes you just have to do what you can and then step back. If all that involves is letting her know she can talk to you if she needs to and that you love and care about her, that's all you can do. It goes against the grain for us as mothers and step-mothers not to want to fix things, but sometimes we can't.

Another thing my DD said was that she was pleased I left her alone when she said she wanted to be alone, because she really did! Not every child does (DS can't cope with his own company), but DD needed to be assured that I wasn't going to constantly pop my head round with door with a cheery, "You alright?".

It's hard to strike the right balance, but you'll find it, I'm sure, because you clearly care about her. Just don't beat yourself up if you think you're not doing enough.

chocolatemonster · 15/08/2015 08:51

I think the OP has got a lot of flack here.

It seems like the parents need to step up, instead the poor OP has been left to deal with it.

Although you can't impose bed times at 17 I do think if staying up all night means they aren't working, studying, contributing to being part of the household that needs addressing. And if it is down to depression her parents need to start addressing that and not leave the OP to deal with the fall out. Nothing will change unless they start parenting.

And tidying up? Yes! At 17 they are part of the household. It's not a hotel, she is not a guest she is a family member.

I feel for you OP and can understand why you are frustrated. Your first port of call needs to be her dad.

K888 · 17/08/2015 01:21

Thanks posters - even though I did get flack - bedtimes yes everyone right on that.

My fustration is the pattern that has emerged of her own parents not dealing with some big issues (although Dad has really tackled her school work) - and I guess I'm trying to push this back onto them.

With her Dad the provider and working long hours - and paying maintenance for her to the Mum I think her ideal place would be back at her Mums (around the corner) for week days, us at weekends, as her Mum is around - just not willing to take her on!

wannabestressfree · 17/08/2015 07:45

why is her dad paying maintenace if she is living with you?
I have a Child who spent two years in hospital with mental health problems and i think at 17 without a job etc i would be kickstarting a more normal routine eg router off at night.

jeronimoh · 17/08/2015 08:01

A 17 year old with depression may well be vulnerable online.

00100001 · 17/08/2015 08:08

Yeah, why is her dad paying the mother?? Surely the mother should be paying dad now?

This isn't youth problem, its the dad's. Get him to get her to help around the house, with the consequence for refusal meaning that her clothes aren't washed etc.

Also you are allowed to cut off the internet at night. If she doesn't like it, allow her to get and pay for her own internet connection. It dies sound like she's a bit addicted.

This is her Mum and Dads problem. Focus in your own son.

To be fair to her though, she sounds like she is depressed and has been unhappy for a long time. Imagine being (effectively) kicked out of your own home at 11.... By your Mum!

Poor girl.

But again, Mum and Dad need to step up here.

Lweji · 17/08/2015 09:24

There are different things here.
For a start, I wonder about your relationship with her dad.
You are in a family unit and I'd think you should be in a united front regarding parenting. Not this, I talk to her, her dad talks to her, her mother talks to her.
Her mother clearly gave up as she approached puberty. So, it's up to you too.
You all have let 6 years go by and there is a limit to what you can do now, as most have pointed out, but she is still living at home so both of you can still help (and be helped).

Your initial post was very misguided in relation to her and I wonder if you both (you and oh) would benefit from support and training with older teenagers.
Do you do it all in the house? Does anyone else contribute? If not, all should start and she'd be a part of it. Discussing household chores as a family would take the focus off her, present the united front and make it clear to everyone that you are a family unit and everyone contributes.
Personally, I'd feel very angry if my mother had sent me to live elsewhere at the age of 12 for being difficult.

Carriemac · 21/08/2015 15:04

wi fi off at midnight. no thank yous no meals provided. politeness expected to you and her brother if she wants to be treated politely by you. No spending money given to he if she does not pull her weight around the house. Step child or not, teenegers need to learn how to live in a household.

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