Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Sounds fustrating Blue. I'm a big fan of 'knowing things in advance' and planning, which I know isn't to everyone's taste. But it does stop a lot of heartache, makes people think of others and not just 'do their own thing'. Eventually my DP did understand that even a rough timetable of when we had the kids (or more to the point, when their mother had time with the kids resident with us) but there was a HUGE fight about it from their mother. Why would you not want to plan? Don't understand. The kids get a balanced time with each parent and that security and stability are there.

Thanks bananas - I think everyone does want to plan, including DH's ex, which is a good thing I guess. But she seems to be just crap at discussing and reaching agreement with the DSC about what they all want. DSS is now here and even he's frustrated with his mum. He says he she suggested this different plan, he said that no that wouldn't work well for him and explained why, and she then said nothing at all. He's saying how is he supposed to negotiate with her and what will work for her if she won't speak to him? I'm actually feeling very proud of how articulate he's being over it, and sympathised over the frustrations of his efforts. I think the heart of the matter is that their mum doesn't want to give up her weekends, but is also complaining that she's hardly seen DSS and DSD this week (because she elected not to have them this weekend, which should if we'd stuck with the alternate weeks have been her weekend). DH is trying to shield the DSC from feeling rejected by not telling them that their DM doesn't want them around at weekends and their DM is making all kinds of excuses why she doesn't want a system that requires her to have kids around at weekends, again without admitting that she considers herself off-duty at weekends . Meanwhile DSD's impression of a rabbit in the headlights when her DM tries to discuss the issue with her isn't exactly helping.

Still, we've got a 10 day stint with them both from today, so if they've not managed to agree anything with their DM, I'm hopeful we can just agree with them what they want. If they want to go on with alternating weeks, they can do that. If she then doesn't want them at weekends, then she won't see a lot of them so will have to decide whether to compromise on that or not. Either way we can cope. DH is trying really hard to get his ex and the kids to agree on what they want, but doesn't look like they've managed to/

Blue - sounds like their mum is holding up agreeing a plan because she wants it to suit her. Your DSCs sound like they are aware and hopefully be able to assert what they would like.

Yes I think you're right that having them in the week and not at weekends suits her and not the kids. DSS is becoming quite aware of this and asserting what he wants. But DSD isn't so assertive. Her mum's been saying to her that she won't get to see her enough, and that DSD is her (current) favourite, so needs to stay there more. DSD is feeling stressed by it all.

But DH had told them tonight that we all need to make plans and to know what they want to do and they have both clearly said they want to keep on with the alternate week thing, so DH is currently emailing his ex to tell her this. Am not sure how it will go down

Yay! We have resolution, at last, at least for the rest of this school year. Kids are going to be with us alternate weeks, plus pretty much all the weekends.

It's not ideal, as it would be better for them to spend some weekends with their mum, but she's saying she has no free weekends this side of Easter and doesn't know her plans thereafter. So DH has told her we'll assume they're with us unless she tells us she wants them. I think it's sad she isn't prepared to spend weekends with them, but we can't force her to. Also no child free weekends for me in sight But we can at least make plans as we know when they'll be with us.

God I wish we didn't have to be involved with the sc's other parent. Every weekend we have dsd her mum complained that we get all the fun time all the time. Yet every Sunday we drop her off at her grandparents as her mum is out drinking after being out all weekend too doesn't actually effect us but God it bugs me! Especially as she'll tell dp she is working and then post all over Facebook..

And blue I'm happy things are settling for the benefits of the kids. At least they'll know where they're wanted! And you can all plan around that and their mother can fit them in when she's ready

Well, looks like I'll be joining you for a bit longer....

Let's see how it goes :)

Good luck!

Thanks :)

looking over some threads I see some of the usual SM bashers are back...and one particularly nasty one who admits she couldn't hack SPing.....don't give "advice" then!!

They seem to steer clear of this thread though - I'm guessing it's too long now to find your way through.

Yes, nice and safe here :)

Good luck all of us!

Welcome back whogives hope things are better for you from now on.

I just read nevers thread wow see what you all mean the SM bashers are out in force there and on a few others atm. I really am surprised they haven't joined us just to tell us we knew what we were getting into.
Had a rubbish weekend with DP he is coming off antidepressants and was just nasty to me and DSD. Thankfully DSD was a delight to have around and DP is much better tonight

Agreed with the good luck to all

There's one I just won't engage with anymore, been around for a while now and never has anything helpful to say (not on this board anyway). I just don't understand how you feel in a position to give advice when you've said you couldn't handle being a SM and couldn't accommodate for your DSC?!?! Why?......hold on! Maybe it's BECAUSE of that she what's to make us feel bad? Now there's a though

NKmoney - I had a day like that with DH recently - his back was sore and he had a cold and he was just like a bear with a sore head all day until I finally told him to go back to bed and stay there til he was better company (he actually went and played computer games all day...) but the DSC were lovely company! Glad yours is better now, my DH is too, thankfully.

whogives - my theory is that the women who do that are control freaks who still think they own their ex partners in their heads. They wouldn't want to be a SM because they really think that nobody has any business ever being a SM because men belong to the woman they have children with and should prioritise these children (and the children's mother) at all times, even if they themselves have moved onto a new partner. It's very odd.

bluelilies sometimes its the only thing you can do really, tell them to go away till they are better company or just leave yourself and hope they are nice to their DCs while your not there.

whogives the poster you are talking about seems particularly bad for pulling SMs apart while making it clear she isnt one and never will be one again. I have seen her posts in other threads over time and you are right there is never anything helpful in them just bitterness and abuse at the OP and all SMs in general. I think you may be right bluelillies about why some of the women think they way they do. I also find it interesting the assumptions people can make about an OPs life and horrible way she must be treating her step kids based on very little information.

Yep, as soon as I see that name pop up I think "there goes the thread, and any chance of helpful posts".

as annoying and frustrating as it is when you actually want some help, its also kind of amusing what people will think of you based on a short succinct post. I have to remember they don't know me or the rest of my relationship, just the tiny portion we post about. we aren't all cluless clingy bimbos who cant imagine life without (an awful) DP as some seem to think :-)

People just don't understand that although step parents knew what we were getting into sometimes it can be frustrating whether due to the kids, the exes or their own dp not doing what they should!

yep and just because you want to scream sometimes because they are driving you batty doesn't mean they are "bad kids" or its a "bad relationship" it just has an extra set of challenges, which is why these threads exist

I'm sure some believe that what we say here is what we say in RL....someone said something about her SC on another thread...nothing terrible, just letting off steam. She got jumped on with "well, when do you expect if you say things like that"..she had to point out that that's not actually what she said to them in RL

Anyway, how's things with you WSM?

I thought this thread was for the things I'm best not saying.... like when I normally moan at dp about his ex not doing her fair share or just being rubbish. Not his fault so try venting in other ways like here

It is, I was just saying if you put something like that in another thread it could get ambushed....so this is our safe place. Rant away