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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is this war over clothes normal?

75 replies

Wheresmyglassslipper · 13/07/2015 14:58

This has been driving me mad for years and I've just got to ask. Dss mum is constantly going on at dh over dss clothes. Sometimes he leaves things here and it's never occurred to me to do anything other than wash, iron and put them away for him to wear them home another day. But his mum has a huge problem with this insisting he brings everything home. Its got to the point where dss wants to spend the days hes with us in the same clothes he came up in so he doesnt forget. Is this normal? Of all the problems that have come up I never thought clothes would be the one thing that drags on for years.

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thepurplehen · 13/07/2015 15:09

We've had all this. Ex W is very precious over "her" clothes and the kids are told not to put them in the wash for me to do. After a while the novelty wears off and they are told that I am to wash everything!

Kids don't know what the score is. All but one is old enough to deal with it themselves now though. The youngest is constantly told different things. Any of "our" clothes that go to hers either don't come back, or come back many months later unwashed.

I just let DSD decide, it's not worth the fight to make a point that I either wash all clothes or none at all.

I once had an e-mail from the ex w giving me instructions on how to wash the clothes! Ironic, as I had actually been washing more clothes for her children for several years than she had! So it should be me giving her advice.

Original poster

Wheresmyglassslipper · 13/07/2015 16:18

Im so glad it's not just me. we are not bothered one bit about her keeping "our clothes". As long as dss wears them who cares about who bought what. Dhs ex would much rather we send dss back in dirty clothes than for me to wash them. In fact not too long ago she insisted dh walked dss home (only a 10 minute walk) because they had been for a walk and dss fell in poo just so she had the trousers back

OP posts:

Melonfool · 13/07/2015 16:31

Dunno about 'normal', but it certainly common. We have it too. But she buys designer clothes and we buy Tesco clothes, so he has 'her' clothes and 'our' clothes.

She insists hers go back to her but funnily enough does not return the sentiment and when we ask for 'ours' back (because he has run out of stuff at ours to ear) she claims she hasn't got it, lost it, it's in the wash, he's grown out of it......

thepurplehen · 13/07/2015 16:40

Yes, unfortunately things that have gone to Mum's seem to disappear into a big black hole. DSD4 has had 6 phone chargers bought by us for Mum's house! Brand new football kits have gone missing as well as countless other clothes.

But we've let it go.

But when we have ANY of "her" clothes, we get e-mails "reminding" us at best or "demanding" at worst for them back by us making a special trip to her house.

Then she claims DP is harrassing her......

hampsterdam · 13/07/2015 16:41

Yes we have had this. No dss doesn't go home in the same clothes he comes in because they get dirty, he goes home in the equivalent but actually clean ironed and the right size. If they want the exact same stuff back why don't they send a bag with spares? Just something else to moan about and have some control over.

K888 · 13/07/2015 17:50

I have had the opposite! All my DSDs turn up with absolutely no other clothes - so it's a good job that I've washed the clothes they've left at other times! I've tried to talk and remind the kids to bring some but they just forget. We have spare toothbrushes, a hairbrush each, hair products, spare socks... just to make it easier for the kids to be honest it's stressful enough for them moving house to house so they don't need extra tension.

My DS comes back from my Ex missing half his clothes - I only mind when it's important like a jacket or best shoes.

Original poster

Wheresmyglassslipper · 13/07/2015 18:20

Dss doesnt bring any spares and depending on how long he's with us sometimes I just don't have the time to wash and dry the clothes hes comes up in to wear home.
Over the last 6 years I've learnt to let it go but it's just got to me a bit this week. We're taking dss and dd on holiday and im currently trying to pack. I've had strict orders that I have to check that none of her clothes are here before we go as we are not allowed to take anything that's hers.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 14/07/2015 09:38

DH's ex is precious over clothes - the answer seems to be that the DSC bring a suitcase with them each weekend, including a dirty laundary bag, and everything goes back with them at the end of the weekend. She doesn't trust DH's clothes washing skills, which is something I can kind of understand, given his inability to separate navy jeans and white underwear, and I think considers that it's not my job to wash her kids clothes.

If your DSS doesn't bring spares with him, then it's never going to be easy to send him back in clean clothes without keeping the dirty ones for next time is it? Could he start packing a change of clothes to bring with him?

hoobygalooby · 14/07/2015 10:13

Where does this come from? Why are all these ex wives obsessing over clothes and washing?
My DPs ex sends the dsc in an outfit each and a bag with a going home outfit regardless of how long they are staying. We have to send them back with the clothes they arrived in unwashed in the bag and they have to wear their going home outfits home. All good - until a day at the beach when they forget their going home clothes, or a pair of socks or knickers get accidentally put in my washing basket then it is complete meltdown and we get accused of stealing their clothes. DSD has been known to sob and cry because she can't find one of 'Mummy's socks' and she will get into trouble if she wears one of 'our socks' home.
I was also told from day one when I washed a pair of pants that DSD had wet that I was never to wash their clothes again. She'd rather a week old pair of pissy pants go back in their bag than let me wash them.
She's bonkers.

SomewhereovertheRainbow02 · 14/07/2015 10:18

I think im that Ex.
ExP earns a lot more than me so when i buy DD clothes i like to have them back as once they go to her dads they never come back as he more often than not drops her back in a morning in pjs so why i have lots of nice pjs for her to wear i end up with no clothes and no money to buy anymore! Plus i like the style i dress my daughter in. He dresses her in his style. Nothing wrong with wanting stuff back.

SomewhereovertheRainbow02 · 14/07/2015 10:19

Its a bonus if they come back washed tho

WizardOfToss · 14/07/2015 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hampsterdam · 14/07/2015 10:38

Somewhere if you want the same stuff back why don't you send dd with spare clothes in a bag? He shouldn't be sending her in pj's but she would still be coming back in his clothes.
Seems like fairly basic logic to me if you send kids in one thing and no spares they will come back two days later wearing something else. And if we send the original stuff in a bag plus what they are wearing we end up with nothing at out house.
Bit of a touchy subject at the moment after ex moaning about things not coming back to her when actually dss has never gone home naked so obviously the equivalent has gone back. Wouldn't mind but she sends him in ripped dirty clothes and he goes home in clean ironed clothes that actually fit. And none of it is even brought by her

hampsterdam · 14/07/2015 10:42

It does seem like a waste having clothes here when dss only comes eow bit we have to have things here because you never know what state he will turn up in.

hoobygalooby · 14/07/2015 10:52

We have had to give clothes away that have hardly been worn that DSC have just grown out of because they only wear them once a fortnight. It's heartbreaking and seems such a waste. It's even worse when they stay for 2 weeks in the summer - we have to buy them new clothes knowing full well they will hardly be worn.
Its the same with their toys. They have identical toys at both houses because nothing can come here with them. Last Christmas they came to us Christmas afternoon and after every present it was "oh I've got this at Mum's". Soul destroying.

yellowdaisies · 14/07/2015 11:36

wizard - I meant "precious" about being the only one to wash the DSC's clothes - she 'owns' them (rather than the DSC), she washes them, the DSC do not keep any clothes at ours. Sorry if it caused you offence.

WizardOfToss · 14/07/2015 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceAlice1979 · 14/07/2015 11:54

We have the clothes issue. dSC have pyjamas, tooth brushes etc at ours but their mum buys clothes as she has a style she wants. Trouble is she's sent DSD with no pants ok several occasions, or no socks, or expensive summer party dresses for weekends we've told everyone we are going away camping.

We end up buying clothes too, if they go back to the mums they seem to go missing (I expect they are not girly /designer enough). Or we buy clothes and keep them at ours but they barely get worn enough ( as someone else said is such a waste). If we ever don't send something back we get grief or a bill to replace it (I get clothes are expensive, but they don't have to be as expensive as the ones she buys).

The mum has a theory that it's fine for us, we can afford it. We can't. Our income is much bigger than hers but our spending and priorities are different so we are not going to pop out to monsoon every time a child comes with only winter clothes in summer.... So many assumptions are made about us. DSC even say if they come without something - well mum says you can just buy me a new one. No we can't.

Enb76 · 14/07/2015 12:06

I like my house clothes back - preferably unwashed because his detergent smells weird and everything comes back utterly crumpled and I despise irons. I'm not precious about it though.

AliceAlice1979 · 14/07/2015 12:13

I wash clothes to send back that would otherwise be minging - damp, muddy, soiled etc. I assume that's ok for mums enb or is not washing any clothes better? I'd ask the mum herself but she refuses to speak to me.

thepurplehen · 14/07/2015 12:30

I've had both sides. MY DS has never had a sock provided for him by his Dad and he's never washed any item of clothing in 13 years of contact.

I also didn't get a penny in maintenance for 7 years and only get £20 per week now. Funnily enough, I have got angry when DS has returned home without all his clothes.

DSC however, have a whole wardrobe of clothes at ours, Mum insists we provide everything from coats, shoes, football boots, you name it, but we are also to wash everything she provides and return it immediately or not wash anything and return it immediately depending on her mood.

She gets hundreds of pounds in maintenance and doesn't work despite all kids being at secondary school.

I can't imagine being a Mother and literally not providing everything for my child and doing all their washing. I certainly wouldn't be complaining if someone else was doing what I consider to be my job!

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 14/07/2015 13:06

I was told not to wash DSC clothes, I think it because I use "stepmother powder" it's the only type that makes my DSC clothes smell funny and makes them itch

Seriously, it's all calmer now, I don't even get involved in the clothes sagas, (too small, mismatched or totally age inappropriate)

hampsterdam · 14/07/2015 14:50

Same as you purple I have always sent ds to his dad's with everything he needs clothes wise. Clean ironed right size weather appropriate clothes. It's not difficult. It all comes back in the bag unless ds falls in a brook or something then he will wash it all and send it back next time. No problems. If I didn't like his washing powder I could just wash it again.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 14/07/2015 15:07

I'm sure it all depends on how things are between the two parents, if things are ok then an item left here or there isn't the end of the world. If DSC forget to bring something we can always manage, and we often go clothes shopping with them anyway.

If things are bad then a different style of dressing the kids might not be seen in the intention it's meant, a different smelling washing powder might feel alien to mum.

I've never seen the kids clothes we've bought them as ours or the one at mums hers. They are the children's cloths.

thepurplehen · 14/07/2015 15:07

"Stepmother powder". Ha ha ha. ????

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