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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is this war over clothes normal?

75 replies

Wheresmyglassslipper · 13/07/2015 14:58

This has been driving me mad for years and I've just got to ask. Dss mum is constantly going on at dh over dss clothes. Sometimes he leaves things here and it's never occurred to me to do anything other than wash, iron and put them away for him to wear them home another day. But his mum has a huge problem with this insisting he brings everything home. Its got to the point where dss wants to spend the days hes with us in the same clothes he came up in so he doesnt forget. Is this normal? Of all the problems that have come up I never thought clothes would be the one thing that drags on for years.

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FluffyBumOnTheRun · 14/07/2015 15:08

Clothes*

crossroads15 · 14/07/2015 15:19

My DSD has two sets of everything including the basic uniform. She just has one sports kit, one set of boarding stuff, one pair of school shoes and one school blazer but everything else is duplicated at both homes, it's just easier that way. She does 50:50. It is expensive but we have 2 younger daughters so I can at least hand everything we buy DSD down.

When something of Mum's ends up here I send it back quickly, washed and ironed. She usually does the same.

It's fine now but I can see that as DSD reaches an age when she's fashion conscious, she's going to start having a favourite pair of jeans, favourite trainers, even favourite underwear etc and not want to leave them at the house they 'belong' to. I don't think the current system will be sustainable then.

Original poster

Wheresmyglassslipper · 14/07/2015 17:14

If dss left clothes here all the time and she didn't see them again for weeks I would understand but its only once in a while. Dss is at our every week so she doesn't have to wait long but dh gets a text or phone call everyday until she has the clothes back.
Its funny how none of "our clothes" come back until dss has grown out of them though.

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CoolAs10Fonzies · 14/07/2015 17:55

we do pick up and drop off in pyjamas.

dsc have full set of clothes here, pjs, school uniform, shoes and even school bags.

I am trying to encourage dds dad to have same as I hate having to pack her a bag when she goes to stay with him.

AliceAlice1979 · 14/07/2015 18:07

Just out of interest - paying for clothes and child support payments... How is that supposed to work? Are clothes etc in addition to child maintenance?

Original poster

Wheresmyglassslipper · 14/07/2015 18:26

I don't know how everyone else does it but for us clothes are in addition to maintenance. Obviously dss mum buys him clothes too but dh takes him shopping for him to pick his own clothes

OP posts:

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 14/07/2015 19:34

My DH pays CM and then gives cash for half of uniforms, school trips, and we buy clothes to. I think CM is meant to cover all of these but DH likes to feel he's doing his part.

Enb76 · 14/07/2015 19:38

Alice, I really don't mind if he washes them but they always smell weird. I do wish he'd at least hang them up rather than handing them back so creased they really need ironing. I'm so iron shy that they go back in the wash and get dried straight. Irons are purely for Hama beads in this house. I hate feeling petty about clothes but I know in my head that I am. That said, sometimes I'll bag up everything that's got mixed up here and take it back to him and he reciprocates. We have a good relationship so I think voicing my pettiness would be counter-productive.

AliceAlice1979 · 14/07/2015 19:41

thanks :) always good to know the perspective of others...

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 14/07/2015 21:19

Enb, I'm totally the same with ironing, I'd rather wash again! I also wash my DH stuff separate as he hates softener and I can't do without it! Thinking about it, it's not so strange that some mums want their kids clothes done their own way. I know if DH and I split my ds's stuff would come back stiff as a board! (Although, I'd make him have his own stuff for ds . Send DS in one outfit and whatever he came home on send him back in that the next time)

Think I've thought about this too much now

crossroads15 · 15/07/2015 05:32

Until recently DH paid maintenance and then we bought clothes for DSD to use when she's with us, we bought the uniform, anything she needed for boarding, for her various hobbies and occasionally things like wellies / winter coats for her to keep at her Mums.

DH stopped paying maintenance last month on the agreement he continued paying for everything directly. I think we'll probably be buying more clothes for DSD to keep at her Mums now.

inthename · 15/07/2015 06:04

unfortunately its my ex who does this. step mums powder genuinely does bring ds out in a horrible rash (suggesting I just put some non allergic stuff in the bag was met with terrible accusations and apparently means I hate her) Clothes at exes are too small, so he told ds he was fat and refused to buy any more because 'ds grows too fast' (bought age 9-10 for a 13yr old) reckcons there are no shops that sell pants when I made a genuine mistakr and didn't pack enough and demands ds bring a suitcase only to then scream that it doesn't fit in the car. school shoes get wrecked because he apparently can't go and buy a cheap pair of trainers. I sent bags of stuff as have always said that clothes belong to ds anyway, these disappear. Ex has alwaya maintained that ds is not allowed to bring 'his' things home, and the best one was when he dressed a then 11 yr old ds in his step sisters trousers and t shirt (which were very obviously girls ones) because he couldn't afford to nip to primark and wouldn't let ds ring me to get some spare stuff.

TheCowThatLaughs · 15/07/2015 06:34

I prefer to get my clothes back that I have chosen and bought for my son with my (limited) money
He's only at his dad's every other weekend so doesn't need many clothes there
If he comes back in clothes from there, I don't usually like them so I'd rather have the ones I chose back.
They do tend to lose stuff at their house so I don't want to send extra clothes to get lost if possible
I also think that they probably don't like my taste in clothes either so prefer dc to wear things of their choice when he's with them
I never say anything about this though, unless I've just bought something I do ask for it back then
And I have to have the school uniform back. Sometimes it comes back washed, sometimes not. I don't like the smell of the washing powder they use, but I've never commented on it. On the whole it's a harmonious relationship between the 2 households. I'm sure there's a lot left unsaid in both sides, which keeps things happier!!

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 15/07/2015 07:25

Inthene, that's awful for your ds :(

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 15/07/2015 07:30

I'm afraid I'm another one who gets upset if I don't get all their clothes back. I can't afford to keep replacing things that have been left there (they are there every other weekend). I send a bag round everytime and expect that everything will be bought home afterwards. I don't expect any of it to be washed as there's not really enough time for them to get everything clean and dry.

TheBakeryQueen · 15/07/2015 07:39

My ex drives me bonkers not giving me the boys' clothes/shoes back. I have 3 boys, I don't have endless cash. I always send appropriate clothing & shoes for what he has planned. Sometimes their 'best' pumps etc so yes it does grate when I don't get everything back because then I am then without things we need if that makes sense.
If I have to remind him of anything he will never just look & pop them round (he lives 1 minute away!). He always has to argue he hasn't got them etc. I'm always proved right but I don't want the debate all the time. It's draining!
If I don't get their swimming things back it's likely they will just soak in chlorinated water & get ruined. This has happened before.
He won't replace anything he has ruined either.
My children are 7,5 & 2 so not responsible for their own things just yet.
I'm not precious but it's important to me to get everything back I send for various reasons.
Ex doesn't have a gf yet but I wouldn't expect her to get involved if he did.
I don't care if they're washed unless it's something that will get ruined by left dirty.

AliceAlice1979 · 15/07/2015 07:46

If only my dsd's mum and my DH coukd communicate without shouting. I'd love to get these perspectives from her from the other side of our war zone.
Inthename - that's shocking.?

AliceAlice1979 · 15/07/2015 07:46

Excuse the stray question mark there.

Original poster

Wheresmyglassslipper · 15/07/2015 07:50

BakeryQueen - if that was the case with us I would completely understand why dss mum gets so annoyed but its not. I'm talking about the odd t-shirt or pair of socks. If dss has left shoes or a coat here dh has often taken it to her before she's realised dss forgot it. If I could trust dh with the washing machine I would leave it up him, as it is anything he washes usually comes out shruken or pink

OP posts:

SomewhereovertheRainbow02 · 15/07/2015 07:52

Hampster i suppose yes i could do that but DD at an age where she chooses what she wants to wear on a daily basis and probably would choose something else anyway therefore leaving more clothes there!
We have a good relationship tho, everyone is amicable and i dont expect the clothes back the minute DD is back but would like them back eventually!
I dont receive CM from ex as we share 50/50 care but all things uniform are paid half each!
Its my only bug bear between the 2 households so cant grumble really things could be a lot worse!

coffeeisnectar · 15/07/2015 07:56

My dsd mum photos the clothes she packs for her dsd and when she collects her empties dsd bag out and checks them off on the photos on her phone.

We've had dsd nearly in tears over a missing sock before now. It's anal

NorthernSole · 15/07/2015 14:14

TheBakeryQueen has described it perfectly as to why I ask for things back. It's a black hole at xh's and things just disappear. I can understand why your dsd's mum might want to do that coffee - in fact I might nick that as I was thinking of writing a list next time she goes, and taking a photo is an excellent idea. Not to be anal, but so that I can keep track of what's gone/come back so I'm not turning the house upside down for something that is sitting at her Dad's.

coffeeisnectar · 15/07/2015 14:33

Well just don't give your kid a hard time over the odd missing sock. My kids live here and we have over 20 odd socks in the clean washing basket. Fuck knows where the rest are.

Seeing dsd getting into such a state over a sock is not something I want to see again because her mum will give her a hard time for leaving it behind. It's probably gone to party with all the other lost socks.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 15/07/2015 15:01

I wish the kids mum would send appropriate clean clothes to us.

More often than not we get them half tumble dried/ halfmd damp then theyg go smelly because the kids don't tell us they are damp.

Do and I have bought clothes with the kids / for the kids and they go to mum's never to be seen again. It's frustrating as we already pay more than required for maintenance and shouldn't need to buy clothes but we do because we want nice practical clothes forwhen the kids stay. I try to wash their mum's stuff before it goes back. to be honest we have bigger fish to fry than argue about clothes but it does my head in thatots always ours that go missing. She always gets hers back. Xx

Original poster

Wheresmyglassslipper · 15/07/2015 15:15

Sounds like we have the same ex! The last time dss stayed up on a school night his uniform was sent up not damp but clearly straight out of the washing machine and he didn't say a word. If I hadn't got it out of the bag to see if it was ironed it would have been a mad rush to dry it in the morning

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