Is this war over clothes normal?

[Wheresmyglassslipper]

This has been driving me mad for years and I've just got to ask. Dss mum is constantly going on at dh over dss clothes. Sometimes he leaves things here and it's never occurred to me to do anything other than wash, iron and put them away for him to wear them home another day. But his mum has a huge problem with this insisting he brings everything home. Its got to the point where dss wants to spend the days hes with us in the same clothes he came up in so he doesnt forget. Is this normal? Of all the problems that have come up I never thought clothes would be the one thing that drags on for years.

Kids go in what they stand in.

At the start of sent them know their best clobber. Until it wasn't returned. I couldn't afford that. They do decide now, but it us on the strict understanding that it comes back. I don't really like sending them in stuff I like because invariably the ex moans about it and the kids don't want to wear it.

Why should I clothe the children whilst they are in my ex's care? If I suddenly decided not to clothe dc it would be considered child abuse

The washing and ironing is an insult. The clothes are clean. And I hate the different soap smell

I wouldn't want the "ex's" clothes back. I find ex's and ex's family's taste abysmal. And designer clothes when you're pleading poverty to the csa is just a horrendous insult.

I'm sure , not seeing the other side, exh dw would feel very similar to you.

Ah, yes, clothes wars. ExW sends the kids in clothes with holes that don't fit even though she has plenty of money. She packs nothing - just what's on their backs. In the maintenance agreement she was to buy all the clothes and do haircuts. She just waits until I can't stand their hair in their eyes and I take them. Same for uniforms. I buy nicer stuff for them than she does (doesn't stop her buying designer stuff for herself mind!) but it all just goes into a black hole when it goes back with them. It means keeping a completely separate wardrobe for kids we see EOW. It's madness. But my friends are very happy for the hardy used hand me downs!

I don't expect dss mum to clothe him while he's here. He has clothes here. I don't understand the text or call everyday until whatever has been left here is returned. She has never had to wait weeks for anything to be returned just until the weekend.
Im not sure how washing and ironing is an insult though. I don't do it to insult her I just wash them so dss has clean clothes to go home in

That's the point though. You might not see why but it matters to her and she probably has an entirely different perspective on the situation.

I just don't see why leaving the odd t-shirt or pair of socks here for only a few days is so important. As she's never said why I guess I'll never know. Very rarely do things of dss fall into a black hole here that honour is reserved for dhs socks.
I'm am genuinely trying to see things from her point of view but I cant manage it with the clothes

My exh and I have had battles over the years, but we have managed to avoid the clothes battle completely.

As far as I am concerned they are not my clothes or exh clothes, they are DD and DS's clothes. They have taken what they need at the time to each house. If it got to the stage that one house had an excess of PJ's or school uniform we would ask the other for some to ballance it out.

Every few months, exh would bring over all the clothes he has for them and I would go through them and sort out what is too small, then give him a couple of sets to keep at his house. The kids would take what they want to wear to their dads when they wanted to. I do not even see what they take.

I have always been happy to wash them too.

The clothes situation infuriates me!
I don't get what is wrong with the DCs just taking a bag of clothes with them for the weekend? At the end of the weekend they pack it away, off they go back to mum and everybody is happy.

That's what I did as a child, I had a few spare bits at my dad's, mainly something smart in case we went out for a meal or to a party etc.
It's what I do with my DS too, me and his dad have no dramas whatsoever over clothes.

But with DSC its a nightmare. They come in school uniform on a Friday and we dress them all weekend and send them back home in normal clothes. Those clothes never ever come back.
Plus we need clothes for every eventuality and all weathers, trainers, wellies, smart clothes, casual clothes, winter clothes, summer clothes, sandals, swimwear etc. They're only here EOW so things are hardly worn but I probably buy them just as much as my own DCs who are here full time.
Even when they come to us for two weeks in the holidays she doesn't send them with anything, when we went camping she didn't even send them with a coat or trainers!

Ours is the same Candy. It's different once they are teens and decide what they want to wear and also dss doesn't get picked up or dropped off, he cycles between the two houses or via school on school days, so he can't take a packed bag.

We have as many clothes here as he would need, but they never get brought back. Then tonight, about nine, he decided he wanted something from his mum's to wear tomorrow. Well, we'd both had a drink so couldn't drive over there, too late for him to cycle there and back, so he texted her to ask her to bring something, she refused then texted dp to ask dss wasn't in bed (14yo, it was just after nine and he hasn't got proper school tomorrow, just end of term rubbish).

I am astonished that people can smell detergent, I can't smell it at all. Though dp and I wash our clothes separately cos I need non bio stuff or I get itchy, and he likes some colour safe thing. I buy any old brand, cheapest I can find, and never the same twice, so I def wouldn't notice a different smell.

I can understand wanting outfits back for younger kids and the cost issues, and am totally with you on the ironing. We moved in together May two years ago and I've never got the iron out since. dp hangs stuff so it ends up needing to be ironed. I don't. Getting clothes back that needed ironing would really annoyed me and I too would simply rewash.

Ive got to admit I'm really funny about smells. I'm not so bad now but when DCs were younger I was a nightmare.
Mil'a house smells disgusting - a mix of chip pans and fags, anything that comes from hers goes in the wash, carrier bags have to go in the bin.

But even if friends give me hand-me-downs or if something ends up in the wash at a friend's I have to rewash it.
Like I said, I'm not so bad now but when the kids were younger I felt like they weren't mine unless they smelt like my house. I suppose it's the same as animals licking and rubbing their scent on their young!

DSD seems to constantly come to us in clothes that are worn out and anywhere up to four sizes too small. We throw these out and then mum is angry that she's not getting them back. She hasn't gotten that the child grows and thus the clothes need to be replaced every six months.

We had a row over school uniform, she said she had none, and made DSD wear the same summer dress for a week without washing it, and balked at the suggestion that she could purchase additional items as she had bought some two years ago.

I don't get why an NRP would expect their child to arrive with everything they need. It's opting out of being a proper parent IMO. I just don't see it as my responsibility to do it, I wouldn't expect xh to go out and buy things that dd needs here and just send them to me. And I wouldn't send her with dirty washing. And why should all the packing, unpacking, washing, buying for his "watch" be down to me? He's as capable as I am of doing it. I do it though, of course, because one of us needs to be sensible.

I'm not even exactly sure what the situation is re: clothes, I have never had to be involved in it except for washing whatever things of DSS's DP puts in the laundry basket, and putting them back in his room when they're clean and dry.

I think that DSS comes to us on a Thursday from school in an outfit that is "mum's" and is sent to school on Monday morning in that same outfit, so it ends up back at his mum's. He has clothes that live here, which he wears on the days he spends entirely here. I am pretty sure that even the clothes that live here are provided periodically by DSS's mum, as I have never seen DP buy any clothes for him. The other day I remember she dropped off a couple of pairs of sandals that could live at our house. She's great, there has never been an issue with clothes and I am realising now that she is basically responsible for buying ALL of DSS's clothes, both the ones that end up living here and the ones at her house. I guess this is the agreement between her and DP.

The only time we have had an issue is when it has unexpectedly snowed and DSS didn't have snowboots here that fit, or when something has gone missing and can't be found at either house, but there have never been recriminations or anything. We are v lucky compared to others on this thread...

This is another dimension to the "guest or family member" debate, isn't it?

If a DC packs a bag of clothes to take with them to the NRP, and takes home dirty laundry for the RP to wash, they are behaving like a guest in the NRP home. They don't need dedicated wardrobe space, or a coloured thread in the toe of their socks to distinguish their socks from others in the family.

Whereas, if a DC has clothing at the NRP house that they have chosen, and the NRP has purchased, and which get chucked into the household laundry basket at the end of the day, the DC is being treated like a member of the family. If they have a communal set of clothes that moves freely between two homes, then that reinforces that both homes have equal status.

I'm sure that the way in which RP and NRP behave in relation to clothing reflects their underlying opinions about the status of the DC in the NRP household.

Those RP who insist on their DCs taking a bag of clothes and returning the dirty laundry for washing are unlikely to consider their DCs an equal member of two families. They may refer to the DC as "packing a bag for their visit", and "bringing their dirty laundry home".
And those NRP who rely on the RP to supply what the DC needs aren't treating the DC as a member of their own family, as they are placing disproportionate responsibility on the RP to meet the DCs needs.

I know this comes across as sexist, but it is certainly the norm in most households that I know of, that the mums do the laundry, not the dads. As it's the dads that are also normally the NRPs it's just continuing the status quo that the mum usually does the children's laundry. I don't personally think it has anything to do with the status of the child in the NRPs household.

My ex doesn't see his children as guests. But neither can he be arsed to sort out a wardrobe for them. Clothes (his & theirs) are strewn randomly in piles throughout the house!

I know this comes across as sexist, but it is certainly the norm in most households that I know of, that the mums do the laundry, not the dads. As it's the dads that are also normally the NRPs it's just continuing the status quo that the mum usually does the children's laundry. I don't personally think it has anything to do with the status of the child in the NRPs household.

But exWives don't do their exHs laundry, do they? So why do the DCs when they in are in their Dads care?

When a couple split, the former division of chores is irrelevant. otherise the exW would still be cooking meals for her ExH every night, and the exH would be going round to his ex's home to take the bins out every week.

(I'm gender stereotyping to make a point, btw)

Peruvian I buy all the clothes for my DC because I receive maintenance from my ex (which he can barely afford tbh) and consider that it's therefore my responsibility. On the odd occasion when they need something urgently and its his weekend, I'll ask him to get it and then pay him back. I don't think that means anything about his home not being their home - they definitely see it as their home (and he does wash clothes at his), though I guess it does make them see us differently as parents. It's probably no different to what would have happened if we'd stayed together though.

My DSC also have clothes bought by the their DM for the same reason that DH pays maintenance therefore it's her job. They bring a suitcase and take dirty washing home, which I guess does mean they're acting like visitors in that respect, though don't find they act or are treated like visitors in any other way.

So I think the clothes buying being the RP's job is more a result of the maintenance system that assumes one parent is the main carer

I think chores as they pertain to the DC and not each other are still relevant though. DP doesn't view or treat DSS as a guest, but he has no problem with his ex buying all his clothes. He doesn't expect her to wash them though. Undoubtedly if they were still together DP wouldn't be buying clothes or being the main organiser in things like childcare for school holidays (again ex takes the lead here) and since they are still friends and coparents that pattern has continued and works fine. Surely the issue is when problems and resentments arise from it on one side or the other.

No a rp shouldn't have to send clothes and everything the child needs depending on the arrangement but as a rp not sending clothes don't expect the exact same things back a day or two later. That's the issue here, no the blue t shirt didn't go back to mums, but he didn't go home naked so obviously something else has gone. The too small ripped jeans didn't go back, they went in the bin but dss didn't go back in just underwear. I just think some of these exs have got a cheek to moan.
I send my ds to his dad with everything he needs and it's nothing to do with thinking he's less of a parent or maintenance arrangements (what's maintenance?) More likely stems from the fact we split when he was tiny and as a baby he went everywhere with a bag of clothes so it's carried on.
He has pj's and t shirts at dad's if he comes home in them I just send them back next time no problems

Why are their separate clothes in the first place? (genuine question). Used to spend eow with my Dad and took a bag of my stuff then brought it home again. Was I missing a trick then?

kindle the issue is that some RP become quite stressed/confrontation if an item of clothing that they have provided the DC with isn't returned along with the DC, or is laundered at the NRP house.
Some NRP find that the clothing provided by the RP is seasonably unsuitable, or worn/too small. Other NRP who are provided with perfectly suitable clothing just dislike their ex's clothing choices and prefer different brands/styles.

In these cases, the question has to be "why" the parents are placing so much value on clothes. Reasons given by RP on this thread include not liking the NRP washing powder, or not wanting to iron clothes that are returned. Maybe I'm too laid back, but I really can't get stressed about these things. If I want to micromanage my DDs dads parenting, then we should have stayed together!

If both parents are happy with the arrangement then no problem, but it does seem to be an issue that creates a lot of tension.

I see, nodding sagely I really don't
I was a child of the 70s.
My mum used to complain that she sent us out immaculate and we came back like urchins. Thinking about it, we were probably dressed inappropriately from time to time but carried on playing in the sand/on the slag heap/picking blackberries regardless.
I can envisage having to buy contingency clothing (I often get caught out) just not clothes at his/hers or people arguing about branding or whatnot. It's all the kids clothes at the end of the day. I wasin charge of picking it up and taking it home again so if anything was left behind, I would bring it back the next visit. People are bloody weird.

RP being stressed about non return: the kids take responsibility for packing/the odd sock shouldn't cause a heart attack. They pass on dirty clothes or unpack clean/wet clothes unless teeny tiny in which case RP unpacks like they would a school bag
RP being stressed about laundering/not liking the powder: unless the kids are allergic/hate the smell themselves who cares? I'd be grateful it got done
RP not wanting to iron: who the hell irons kids clothes?
NRP being judgy about suitability: buy some practical contingency eg ONE tee/cardy/joggers and keep them in your spare kit/day out bag, but a whole wardobe?
NRP being judgy about worn clothes: This is the only one I can appreciate as I would want to know whether I was paying enough maintenance or not to keep up with kids' growth. Would depend on whether kids were unhappy/uncomfy/embarrassed. Still not mine to chuck though. especially if being given worn clothes so I could go up slag heaps with gay abandon
NRP being judgy about style really? my kids have picked out their own clothes for years.

All sounds like controlfreakery power play with one parent making problems for the other.

totally understand OP. DPs exw actually threatened once to come round to our house, stand outside and 'demand' a pair of leggings for his youngest child because he refused to drive the 40 miles to drop them off, it was 9pm and they were coming to ours in 2 days!

I suggested he let her come round if she wanted then after she had stood outside the house shouting about a £2 pair of leggings we could just give them to her, problem solved

imwould just ask DSS to change as soon as he comes in, put those clothes in a bag ready for him to take home. It will become routine, that's what we are doing. School uniforms are a different issue!

This infuriates me! I am on benefits and have a 1 year old who is growing so quick .
I have to save up £5 here, £10 there for a couple of months to buy my son clothes.
I can't afford to send him in a new pair of jeans or shoes for them not to come home with him.
DS dads girlfriend got really insulted when I said not to bother washing his clothes . Not because I was being fussy or whatever but because they still always come bsck smelling like dog and cigarette smoke .
God knows what washing powder she uses