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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving children again

53 replies

JakieOH · 12/07/2015 19:51

Since my previous post my DP has taken steps to ensure his children are not moved to the other side of the worldAngry

This hasn't gone down well with the mother who is now saying she is planning on moving to (a different city) 4 hours drive away from us!!! This woman is determined to do as she pleases regardless of her children's relationship with their father.

He hadn't spoken to the lawyer again about this but from what we have read there is actually very little he can do to stop this? Have any of you stepparent found yourselves in this position and have any of you stopped such a move?

Don't get me wrong, We think she should be allowed to move where ever in the world she wants, it's her life, her choice and nothing to with us, in fact DP would actively encourage this Hmm but she should not be able to take his children with her!! It's terrible!

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 12/07/2015 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JakieOH · 12/07/2015 20:05

the solicitor has sent a letter basically saying his client has reason to believe she may be leaving etc etc.. She's got till a date to respond and if she doesn't formal proceedings will begin or words to that effect. He will then take steps that would prevent her leaving the 'country' with the children without DPs consent. It's DP that's dealing with it /paying for it all obviously so I'm not entirely sure if the details. He tried to speak to her about it but she wasn't interested in discussing it with him.

Somewhere in the country seems to be a different issue though Hmm I am so bloody tired of it all its taking over our lives this last few weeks Sad

OP posts:
yellowdaisies · 12/07/2015 20:42

I think she can move within the country if she wants and there's not a lot you could do to prevent it. You can put in an application for residency at the time she's moving if you think it'd be better for the DC to stay local and live with you and DP.

AlpacaMyBags · 12/07/2015 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CandyLane · 12/07/2015 22:24

I've no personal experience but my friend's ex tried to stop her from moving back to the city she's originally from with their son.
It's only 2 hours away but he saw a solicitor and a few letters went back and forth but basically there was nothing he could do legally to stop the move.

I've also got a friend who moved to a different country with her DS, her ex initially agreed to it as it was only supposed to be a short term move, she loved it there and got offered a permanent job. I don't know all the ins and outs of the legal proceedings but I do know that she won the court battle and she is now living in the other country for the foreseeable future, she won through the courts of the country she lives in, their laws are different.

So it seems that there is probably little that your DH can do to prevent a move, especially in the UK.

Has she said why she wants to move?
I think if the move is in the best interest of the child then it needs to be considered by the NRP.
Eg if RP is out of work and has been offered a job 4 hours away, then isn't it best for the child to have financial security, a roof over their head and food in their tummy? Rather than staying where they are so they can see Dad twice a week?
If mum is moving just out of spite then yes that's wrong but I think the course of action should be dependant on the reason behind the move.

no73 · 13/07/2015 12:12

I have a friend who was stopped form moving 5 hours away by the courts. So it can be done

SaintEyning · 13/07/2015 12:22

I was (and still am) not permitted to move even 2 hours away as it would be far too disruptive to the status quo of DS' time with his dad. Which now I have had 3.5 years to think about, seems quite reasonable to me - I would certainly have taken the same action if it had been the other way around. PSOs can be worded however you need them to be - the status quo of the children, particularly in a well established pattern of care - is preeminent. So if they see their dad every other weekend from after school Friday to either Subday night or get dropped to school Monday morning and one night in the week, that will be the pattern of care that the court wants to continue. Regardless of employment opportunities for mother. Believe me, I could earn twice as much in London and DS would have a fabulous life, but it would mean either his dad moving too or me doing a LOT of driving to facilitate the same contact as they had before.

overthemill · 13/07/2015 12:27

Within the UK a she can move if she wants and its up to both parents to ensure access/ contact/ shared parenting carries on as agreed ( by the court if that's what it was). My DHs ex moved far enough away to make it impossible to get my two step kids to their new schools midweek when they were with us ( as we have our own child) so in the end we had to up sticks and move close to her again! I think she hoped DH would give up midweek custody and just go for alternate weekends but DH is wouldn't so we moved and disrupted our child , my job and income so we could maintain the close 50/50 relationship we had with them. DH got legal advice and nothing he could do to prevent the move even though part way through school term etc. I think you will be stuck too

Original poster
JakieOH · 13/07/2015 14:05

This potential move has nothing to with the children having food in their bellies or a roof over their head Hmm it has everything to do with their mother wanting a change. She gave up a very good job and will struggle to get work she feels is not below her here now. That was her choice and DPs relationship with his children was not factored into her decision at all. I'm sure she isn't miving to be vindictive, to do that she would need to think about DP and her children, she obviously doesn't!

Anyway, he will do everything in his power to stop this happening and at least make it very hard for her. He has been talking about getting a more formal 50/50 arrangement in place. This isn't possible with the current hours he does but as he said to me, if he wasn't paying maintrnence (which he wouldn't if they stayed here half the time) he could possibly drop his hours. sad that he has to think like that just to maintain the fantastic relationship he has with his children. she never wanted that and in all honestly, informally, it's not far off that anyway. Amazes me when I hear these stories, how selfish some 'mothers' can be! Certainly gives me hope that some parents can legally stop moves like this. Fingers crossed!

DP had no problem with her moving away to oersue her wee adventure and IMO neither he should. It's her life and her choice, no one is stopping her, but she has no right to take his children away from him.Angry

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Original poster
JakieOH · 13/07/2015 14:09

Overthemill - what is stopping his exW from moving again? Dies it not cause resentment between you and your DP? She could decide again to move, would your DP expect you all to pack up and follow her again should she do that? It's just so horrible.

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CandyLane · 13/07/2015 14:45

Personally I don't think I could move my DS away from his Dad, even though he's pretty useless and only sees him for a few hours a week.
However, having had experience of friends who have been faced with that decision I can honestly say that the moves have all been positive and the children have all maintained good relationships with their fathers.
My friend who moved two hours away to be near her family was lonely, isolated, suicidal and desperate. She had little support and it was hard for her to juggle work and childcare as she's a nurse so works shifts and her ex was an abusive bully who gave her little support and was totally unreliable.
Moving back to her home town meant she's now got her family to help with DCs and most importantly she's happy and no longer wants to take her own life.
What use would a depressed or even dead mother have been to her DC? So yes sometimes what is best for mum is what is also best for the kids.

Original poster
JakieOH · 13/07/2015 15:38

That sounds like a sad situation and as sorry as I am for your friend it couldn't be further from our situation. DPs exw is not moving the children closer to her family she is moving them away from all their family! It's beyond me how she thinks she could manage anyway, she relys heavily on friends and family when the kids are with her.

I'm sure there are plenty situations where moving is the best option but that isnt the case here. You've posted situations where children would potentially be starving, homeless, living with a suicidal mother and near an abusive ex? Obviously in thise situations a move may be positive I never suggested any different, in our situation these issues don't exist, it's entirely different Confused

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Original poster
JakieOH · 13/07/2015 15:41

When I post, I am posting about our situation and those like it. The ones you describe have no baring on ours. I appreciate your point but it's not really relevant to this situation IUSWIM.

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CandyLane · 13/07/2015 15:59

Jackie - I posted my friend's story because you said that it amazes you how selfish some 'mothers' can be.
Yep I'm sure that's exactly what my friend's ex thinks of her, although he doesn't see the move as a positive one, it definitely was.

My point is - it probably wouldn't make a difference what the ex's reasons are for the move, you and your DH are against the move so you're never going to think that it might possibly be a positive thing.

Like I said, I don't think I could move my DS away from my ex, but if an opportunity arose for us to move to a better place, one where we'd be happier, than I'd hate to think my ex could stop it.

Original poster
JakieOH · 13/07/2015 16:25

And I stand by that. It does amaze me how selfish some mothers can be. To move your children away from their father in situations similar to ours is terrible! He is a fantastic father who plays an active role in the day to day upbringing of the children. He works hard to provide for them and give them a loving and secure childhood. With the best will in the world that couldn't happen, to the same extent, if they lived 4 hours away! She has no right to do that to him, she chose to have children with him. Yes the situation has changed, but she has made choices about those children's lives with no thought given to their relationship with dad. That is not her right to do that. We have no issue with her moving, he has an issue with her taking the children away.

Who says the children eould be happier living hours away from a parent (and extended family) they have been brought up with. Just because she might be happier doesn't mean the children will be? They are too young to make decisions like that, it's their fathers job to protect them from the stupid irresponsible choices their mother makes. (Speaking about this specific situation of course) Ex husbands are not just 'the ex' they are the childrens father. That trumps being 'the ex' in My mind.

OP posts:
SugarOnTop · 13/07/2015 18:40

He has been talking about getting a more formal 50/50 arrangement in place.

i'm surprised he hasn't done it already knowing what she's like. The other thing to consider when he next speaks with his solicitor about her moving 4 hours away, is to have it down formally on paper and signed by a judge that IF she does move further away then she will be responsible for 50% of the travel/fuel costs he will incur due to her move. Also, will she be travelling halfway for handover or will he be expected to do a full round trip to pick up and drop off his dc? Get it in writing that if that is the case then she's liable for more than 50% of his travel costs.

Original poster
JakieOH · 13/07/2015 22:19

Unfortunately it's not that easy. The contact agreement they have just now works but given what's come out in the last few weeks this has to change. To have the children here half the time through the week may very well mean DP can't do the job he is in and trained to do. We live at least an hours round trip to their school. Neither of us are able to pick them up as things stand and we have no family support to do this. She has a large support network and when they come here through the week they currently go to Her relatives and we pick them up there. They certsinly wouldnt help us out if we pushed for 50/50 so there's issues around that. DP works hard to support his kids financially, they would still need that so there are a lot of things to think about. Looks like this is the road we have to go down though. I feel we are somewhere between a rock and a hard place Sad

His parents are helping him ffinancially with solicitor costs though so that is a big help. I feel very sad for him

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overthemill · 13/07/2015 22:22

JakieOH but yes she could have done whenever she felt like it!

And we would have followed her...

overthemill · 13/07/2015 22:24

And yes it does cause resentment - I adore the kids but our dd has suffered terribly as a result - worse school, bullied , few friends- it has been awful

Original poster
JakieOH · 13/07/2015 22:41

Aw that's just so sad, your poor DD, I'm really sorry that's happened Flowers I hope she doesn't and if she does, that it doesn't affect your DD xx

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PinkGinny · 13/07/2015 23:03

So your DH has remarried, introduced a step mother into his children's lives, is unwilling to change his working life to accommodate seeing more of his children. But his ex is allowed to make no changes to the status quo and is obliged to ensure his relationship can be facilitated. But he isn't?

You can't possibly know why she wants to move. And actually it is none of your business. She is unhappy where she is and wants change. Shit happens when relationships breakdown. Neither party is obliged to continue living the life they were, where they were for the convenience of the other.

As an aside I have chosen to not move less than an hour away - my choice, my life, my children. Doesn't make someone who chooses differently wrong or selfish.

Original poster
JakieOH · 13/07/2015 23:22

Her life, his children not just hers!

Where do you see me say he is unwilling to change his working life to see his children more? He sees his children all the time, he is not able to pick them up from school with his current situation? We are looking at ways to change that so he can legally officially have the kids 50/50. She won't like that and will make things awkward, we need to be a step ahead. We will figure it out, make it legal then she can adapt to it, same as we had to when she made her changes! fathers have rights too, some people seem to forget that! Stop making things up to suit your own agendaHmm

She has made plenty of changes that could have interfered with DPs contact and required him to pay more maintrnence so they didn't get evicted (idiot) without even mentioning it until after the fact! She didn't want DP to have official 50/50 contact, easier for her to leave it flexible and it suited us to. He has made big adjustments to facilitate his relationship with them, despite her irresponsible life choices! I do know exactly why she wants to move, she wants a change, that simple! May be none of my business but it is DPs Smile I would happily buy her bus ticket but she won't be taking the children with her, not if he has anything to do with it! Thanks for your helpful post though Hmm

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 13/07/2015 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkGinny · 13/07/2015 23:54

Honestly JakieOH you sound unhinged. I assume when your DH got remarried he consulted his ex and she was good with it. Or actually was it because it would make HIM happy. Who knew if it would make the children happy. Nobody. It was for his benefit.

She wants a change. So shoot her. Perhaps she is lonley, miserable and generally needs to move to make HER happy. Will it make the children happy? Who knows. But like their fathers remarriage.

Many many children have full & loving relationships with their father without living close together. Not ideal but actually neither is having parents who are not together in the first place. He is concerned about the impact on HIM.

As it stands he depends on his ex and her family to facilitate his relationship with their children. It is not reasonable or fair to assume that status quo will continue.

sonnyson12 · 14/07/2015 00:04

PinkGinny,

Nonsense.