His ex arranging activities for the kids on "our" time

[trialsandtribs]

DPs ex has booked his 2 DC into a drama club which is once a week and therefore falls on "our" time eow.

We really want the kids to enjoy this activity and have so far taken them to every one but it is rather restrictive as we can't go away for wkends etc.

DP told his ex he couldn't guarantee taking them every wkend and he would have appreciated it if she'd talked to him first but her reaction (as always) showed the emotional intelligence of a gnat and was basically expecting everyone to fall in line with her.

DP and I discussed and called the organisers of the club who said that going even EOW was fine and that it wasn't designed to be a club for every week and the DCs wouldn't miss out if they couldn't make every one and we passed this info on to EX but I have just been told by the DCS that "mummy says you don't want us to do drama"... aaaaarrrrggggghhh.

I wish DP would stand up to her a bit more but he just loathes any form of contact with her as she's just such a pain about everything that he just doesn't say anything.

I'm very pro kids having hobbies and not feeling like they have 2 lives but i am not pro their mum controlling our wkends together...

Thoughts?

My DP's ex does this too. It's annoying as what she's signed them up to is in the middle of the day, Sat AND Sun so we don't really get to do any 'fun stuff' together as not enough time either side. Sometimes DP takes the DSC and I stay at home with our baby DS as he needs his dinner, bath etc and we wouldn't be back at home in time.
So the ex has basically driven a wedge in which is rubbish

The Saturday activity could be dropped EOW but she won't allow it

I feel your pain

It's not 'your' time. It's the DSC's time. If they want to go to the club then take them or offer them the choice of say drama club or a fun day out and let them make the call!!

My thoughts are from the other side of the fence. Is it fair that the children have to miss out on stuff because you can't be arsed to take them? Parenting is not just about having fun days out, some of it is tedious stuff you do for the benefit of the children. Activities are one of those things.

DD won't be able to attend Guides because of contact with her father. That strikes me as rather more unfair than an adult having to work around something like an hour or so's activity in the day.

I'm very pro kids having hobbies

You only appear to be pro hobbies that don't involve hassle for you.

from the other side, my friend wasn't allowed by her ex to sign her son up to football or both children up for swimming altho the children begged, her son especially really really wanted to join the football club.

It's what children do, they enjoy clubs and want to go, it's not eating into your time, when you have kids and they're old enough are you not going to allow any clubs on weekends because it's your time wit the children entirely?

And its not the RP fault what time the clubs happen either, that's set by the club, she is also losing out on having the kids during her weekends as they go to these clubs.

The children want to go, facilitate it. I can't see anything wrong in the ex signing the DC up to clubs, the Dc's lives do not stop because they have contact.

It's not your time, it's the children's time, and why should they not be allowed to do weekend activities??

You are being unreasonable, and pointing fingers at the ex is unpleasant.

However, my ex and his wife did this to my 2 children all the time, and they eventually quit drama and tennis, because they were made to feel that they were eating into their father's time.

Now he and she have split and they are having the same arguments that I had with him 10 yrs ago, and I am trying to be understanding - but hey Karma is a bitch!!

In an ideal world, a DC would have the opportunity to spend quality time with each of their parents, and the opportunity to take part in activities and clubs they are interested in.

When this isn't possible, either because the parents are separated and contact with one parent is significantly reduced, or because parents have illnesses/commitments/work that limits the time the DCs spend with them, then it is the responsibility of parents to decide which is the "least worse" option for the DCs.

In your case, OP, it seems that your DSC mum has made a decision on her own about how much time the DCs need with their dad, and feels that going to the club every week will be more beneficial to them than spending that time with your DP. She may be right, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't, in an ideal world, have discussed it with your DP first.

But, for the good of the DCs, I would suggest your DP just goes along with it. There is no point in engaging in a battle over "what is right". She has demonstrated that she is willing to drag the DCs into it, and in cases like this, I think it is best for the NRP to be the bigger person, go along with whatever the RP wants and wait for the DCs to form their own opinions.

I know it may not be the type of parenting or relationship that your DP envisaged having with his DCs, but it is better than perpetuating a situation in which the DCs are permanently torn between their parents.

If it can be done eow I would do that. Why should the limited time spent with the dsc father be limited even more by something the mum has arranged with no consultation, imo it's rude to just assume you are ok to do it. And at no point did the op say her dp couldn't be arsed but it's a big ask to have your contact time taken up by an activity, particularly if it doesn't impact on the activity if they don't go every week

This is an activity the children want to do. Why would you possibly want to or try to stop that?

Having parents breaking up is very difficult, without being told that you're not allowed to do a hobby you really want to because the grown ups have other plans in mind

When i said "our" time i did mean the 5 of us... me, my ds, his dc and DP.

Bit harsh to say i can't be arsed to take them when i've very clearly stated that we've taken them to every one so far! I want them to enjoy it, i just don't want my weekends fully dictated by kid's activites (including that of my ds as i think everyone in the family should flex sometime.)

Before I booked DS into football i spoke to his dad to check it would be ok with him and fit in with his plans. I see that as a reasonable thing to do and how i would parent my child if we lived together. DPs ex unfortunately isn't as considerate and i think secretly loves any form of 'control' she can try and exert over us.

Anyway - i can see where this thread is heading!!

Presumably their Mother signed them up because they wanted to do it! It's a club they're interested in so why should they miss out on it?

Agree with some other posters, it isn't their Mother at fault here and she shouldn't be blamed. The children want to do it. Why should they miss out because of a (seemingly) controlling relationship with the father.

You'd think most parents' would be happy their children wanted to attend something they're interested in and wanting to commit to.

These threads always seem to be about the poor NRP, never the children. Definitely a theme here.

My weeks and weekends are taken up by ds plans - when he is at play dates / swimming / football / parties. There are many times I cannot be arsed, That its at funny times and we can't go out for the day, When I'd rather spend time with a friend instead. But I don't get the choice to opt out and say it's not convenient cos that would make me a bit of a shitty parent. Why does the non rp get to whinge and say it's a pain and decide they may not go? Who exactly are they putting first? Ds dad visits Him once a month and thank fuck is fully on board about ds having his usual life and him fitting in with that - it's not his fault his parents are separated, why should he have to make sacrifices instead of the grown ups?

all children need to understand that sometimes, a family may have other priorities than their activity (spending the day together, going to a family event etc.). However, separated parents at the same time need to realise that their children need to enjoy their free time in the same way that children from non-separated families do and this means having their own activities to go to or friendships to pursue or parties to attend.

As a word of caution, my ex refuses to take our children to parties or anything else on 'his time'. If I also refused - on the basis that my time with my children is also precious because I didn't sign up to separated parenting, it was very much my ex's choice - what would happen? Our children would, surely, struggle to maintain friendships, not understand what committing yourself to an activity means? It is not my sole responsibility to deal with these issues because I am the resident parent. Our children are very much aware of what their father does - says he will take them to a party (because I always ask his 'permission' before accepting an invite), I send them off with a card and present and they don't attend. They now ask not to see him if there is a party. Yet he'll be the first one to start screaming that I'm blocking contact. It's ridiculous. He doesn't have to take them to every one - but every once in a while, just show willing. But even that's too much.

if the ex had asked prior to signing up for the classes and the children had told you they want to attend, would you really have said no?

The ex should have discussed it with you first, but it's too late for that now so I think you just have to suck it up

I agree with those who say let them choose. Seems fair.

My ds goes to a club on Friday evenings. He wouldn't miss out by going eow but knowing all his friends are there and he is missing it would upset him and stop him feeling part of the group so he goes every week because HE wants to and his dad and I don't want him to miss out on things just because we aren't together anymore.

Oh FFS ... why are so many people getting on their high horse here ?

No-one has specifically said that children must forego activities at the weekend, no-one has said they 'can't be arsed' .... but think on this for a moment, those of you who are living with partners and who have children with them .... would you really make a unilateral decision about your child's activities, even if it was one that said child really, really wanted to do and plough ahead and book it all up before discussing this possibility with your partner ?? ......

..... hmm, thought not. Or, if you're the type who would do that, then that's pretty rude and dismissive of your partner's opinion isn't it. I know that if I booked our child into a weekend club without having the courtesy of talking to my DP first, he'd be pretty annoyed - and rightly so. He'd probably feel like an irrelevance in his child's life if I didn't think him important enough to be involved, and may well have his own ideas - or indeed concerns - about said activity, and the impact it might have for all of us (child included) which I hadn't though of. I'd be pissed off if he did the same to me.

So why, oh why when parents are separated, is the same sort of courtesy not applied in regard to these sorts of things ?

It is that aspect of all this which has almost certainly got the OP's goat rather than her wanting to spoil the kids' fun, as some of you seem to want to believe.

OP .... given the kids have been dragged into it (thoughtless stupid woman, she should have kept her argument between herself and your DP rather than stir with the kids - how bloody mean and irresponsible fo her to tell them what she did), I think, as Peruvian has said you should be the better people and continue facilitating drama when you can ..... I don't think this should be absolutely set in stone however, especially given what the organisers have said, so if and when you have a special event or want to go away for the weekend, those occasions take precedence. After all, that is exactly what would happen in most 'together' families ..... the kids do clubs and so on, but not always at the expense of anything else happening. Apart from anything children need to learn (IMO) that hey ho, they don't always come first and sometimes other people have to be considered - like a grandparent's birthday, or a wedding or whatever. It'd be ridiculous to place a club over stuff like that.

Just take each weekend as it comes. I don't see what the problem is. if DC want to go and do other things you have arranged then go with it.

I will not book for our children to do activities if it is at a time that doesn't suit the rest of the family. Surely the same should apply to my DP's DD

except your step child isn't only a member of your family, she is also a member of someone else's. So her activities may well work for one family, but not the other. Should she miss out as a result? Is it just 'tough, we can't do it'? Or should there be some kind of compromise from all parties concerned? I don't think there are easy answers to these issues, but it's more complex than saying 'tough, she should be treated the same as everyone else in our family' because she's not exactly the same as everyone else in your family - her 'terms and conditions' need to be adjusted accordingly, perhaps?

OP - it IS your time with your step-children. It is also the children's time with you and their Father. Contact isn't all about the children.

My husband's ex used to do this a lot. She has NO right to book things on YOUR time. She can have an idea about something but the proper and co-parental thing to do would be to discuss it with the other parent and come to an agreement. Trying to explain to my husband's ex that it wasn't that we don't want my SD to do the things she planned, but it was just booked without discussion and a complete disrespect of anything we had planned fell on deaf ears. Even saying "would you be happy if we booked something on your weekend" didn't register with her. There was just a blank look and a confused "But I'm THE MOTHER" reply...

The only way this has got less and less is my husband standing up to her on everything she does (and she does a lot), going through solicitors and finally mediation. It sounds extreme but some RP's really do feel they own the child and are allowed to dictate EVERYTHING. You all need someone 'in charge' to help level out this way of thinking.

Hurray for Catsmother!

I am a separated parent, and I used to be a step parent.

As a separated parent, I would never unilaterally sign my DCs up for a weekly activity without discussing first with my ex, who has them every other weekend. Just as in a nuclear family, such a decision would be taken by both parents.

As a former step parent, I'd have been really irritated if my DSCs' mum had signed them up for a regular weekend activity without discussing first with my exP.

It's just common courtesy, and, IMO, frequently used as a method of control. Nothing to do with the best interests of the DCs, but as a way to try to control what the exP does on the weekends/time the DCs are with him/her.

As for parties - if there is a party on my ex's weekend, I simply hand over the invitation and he then replies/takes the DCs etc. Again, to do anything else seems childish and aimed at trying to control the ex's time, rather than actually being really in the DC's interests.

And hurray for Hmmmm2014 too

A mature and fair way of thinking! My SD was invited to parties on our weekends - we would get a text either the day before drop-off or she would tell my husband on the doorstep "SD has a party to go to tomorrow, please drop her off at this time TO ME so I can take her". Of course we had no choice as it wouldn't be fair for SD to miss out... There was no question of my husband being able to take her. She booked horse-riding lessons for every weekend - we weren't allowed to take her or even watch....our time was cut short, just like that. You are right, it certainly is childish and controlling and nothing to do with my SD's happiness.