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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His ex arranging activities for the kids on "our" time

104 replies

trialsandtribs · 06/05/2015 09:52

DPs ex has booked his 2 DC into a drama club which is once a week and therefore falls on "our" time eow.

We really want the kids to enjoy this activity and have so far taken them to every one but it is rather restrictive as we can't go away for wkends etc.

DP told his ex he couldn't guarantee taking them every wkend and he would have appreciated it if she'd talked to him first but her reaction (as always) showed the emotional intelligence of a gnat and was basically expecting everyone to fall in line with her.

DP and I discussed and called the organisers of the club who said that going even EOW was fine and that it wasn't designed to be a club for every week and the DCs wouldn't miss out if they couldn't make every one and we passed this info on to EX but I have just been told by the DCS that "mummy says you don't want us to do drama"... aaaaarrrrggggghhh.

I wish DP would stand up to her a bit more but he just loathes any form of contact with her as she's just such a pain about everything that he just doesn't say anything.

I'm very pro kids having hobbies and not feeling like they have 2 lives but i am not pro their mum controlling our wkends together...

Thoughts?

OP posts:

AGirlCalledBoB · 07/05/2015 09:43

Yeah but in this case the nrp only has his kids 2/14. He does not do half the care at all, far from it so can you really discuss both the parents the same way?

so it would be unfair for the kids to have a new parenting routine just eow. It would not really kill the op oh's to take his kids to a activity they enjoy. I agree he should have had it ran over him first but if he disagreed, it would not have made him a great man in my eyes.

PeruvianFoodLover · 07/05/2015 09:44

Ultimately that's up to the NRP of course. But say the NRP had been consulted, and vetoed the idea, does it therefore follow that the RP should not enable the child to pursue an interest in "their" time?

When cooperative parenting isn't possible, then it's inevitable that DCs are going to miss out. The issue is whether the DCs miss out AND are exposed to hostility between parents or whether the parents accept that they won't agree and don't try to enforce a "fait accompli" onto the other parent.

In the OPs case, where it is clear that the DCs mum is determined to involve the DCs in the dispute between parents, I'd recommend that the OPs DP just nods and smiles, agrees with his ex's request and then adapts his family life to accomodate it.
There is no point in placing the DCs in a position where they are stuck in the middle - not knowing whether to tell their mum that they missed the class, worried that if they don't tell her, she'll find out somehow and be cross, etc etc.
Of course it will mean that the DCs miss out on the way their dad really wants them to spend their time together - but at least there isn't continuous hostility between the parents.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 09:46

Sanity I was replying specifically to Peruvian's post. Not making a judgement as you try to imply.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 09:51

Sanity I was replying specifically to the point made by Peruvian. Don't try to imply that I was making a judgement about you or other working parents.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 09:52

Sorry for that double post, my connection failed and I thought the otiginal post hadn't gone.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 09:58

Peruvian, I'm not convinced it is the case that the RP has encouraged hostility.

Warning her DC that the NRP is unwilling to allow their attendance on his weekends is hardly unfair in the circumstances. OP says the organiser was called to see if it's ok to attend eow.

So it's understandable that the child would conclude the NRP would "not let her do drama".

olgaga · 07/05/2015 10:04

Auntie Stella makes some very good points!

Original poster

trialsandtribs · 07/05/2015 10:06

olgaga
we called the organisers because we were told by ex that DCs HAD to attend every week. I have NEVER heard of a child's activity with mandatory attendance and as we had a weekend we wanted to take the kids to London we called to see what impact that would have as we were told by ex that auditions were approaching and she didn't want her kids to miss out on main parts. The call wasn't to see if they could attend EOW, but to see if missing the odd one would really impact their ability to full be part of the club.

The organiser told me of course not, they have lots of kids who don't go every week because of other family commitments or because parents can't run all the kids round every week OR because their parents are separated and they only come EOW. As I mentioned in my OP we have taken the kids to every one so far and we really value them feeling included so I don't know where the comments have come from that I don't want them to go or can't be arsed. If anything I like them going as it means me and my DS have some QT just us

However of course Ex has said they absolutely MUST be there every week (even though she has missed one because she went away to visit friends . I'm reassured on this thread that I am doing the right thing by encouraging and facilitating their ability to go but not letting it totally rule every weekend that we all have together.

OP posts:

olgaga · 07/05/2015 10:14

Well that's great. All sounds a lot more pragmatic than your OP.

MythicalKings · 07/05/2015 11:11

Just a word of warning from someone who runs a group. Everyone gets a part but only those with good attendance get leading roles. it's not fair on the rest of the cast to have the leads absent EOW.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 12:09

Mythical that was my experience too of a drama group.

And in this area if you miss a couple of sessions of anything it's made clear to you exactly how many children are on the waiting list

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 07/05/2015 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 07/05/2015 12:41

Well like I said up thread, there will be plenty of places for a child to do a hobby that will coincide with their days with RP/NRP. Dsd goes swimming every Tuesday. She is always at her mums on a Tuesday. If we wanted to arrange a hobby for dsd, then we would have to find something for Wednesdays.

but things like drama club often only run once a week.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 07/05/2015 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 13:17

Perhaps she didn't ask permission because she knew OP would make such a fuss!

If she had "asked permission" and OP had vetoed it, I wonder how the children would feel about that?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 07/05/2015 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 13:32

Posted too soon. Point is the OP has said on the one hand that she wants to facilitate the DC's attendance, but that she should have been consulted.
Yes it may have been better if DM had said to her children " I will have to talk to dad first" but maybe she didn't imagine he would object.

And it is true that if you aren't going regularly, your child won't get parts because you can't be relied on to get them to rehearsals, end of term shows etc. Which is a shame for the DC if they do really enjoy it.

Original poster

trialsandtribs · 07/05/2015 13:37

My DP wouldn't have vetoed it at all but would have made it clear he wouldn't commit to taking them EVERY WEEK.

And of course she would just expect us to pay. (Which we don't mind as it's an activity they do with us).. It's just the mindset she has of "I will decide and everyone else can fit in". I pay for my DS activities even though exH takes him to half of them because in my opinion that's part of what maintenance is about but she will squeeze every penny from us and expects us to buy a second set of everything for the DCs even though they aren't with us much. That's another thread though!!

OP posts:

swingofthings · 07/05/2015 18:02

Why did you call the club rather than her dad? It is silly, but it's one of those actions that just won't help the relationship as inevitably, it will be interpreted as you interferring rather than DS's dad.

I think like most such situation that brews on conflict, the whole thing is most likely the outcome of misinterpretation. Mum probably implied that she needed to go every week because she worried that if she said she didn't, she wouldn't be taken at all. It sounds like she jumped to the wrong conclusion. However, you probably concluded that she wasn't accepting that your SD could even miss one week-end if you had something planned in advance.

Once again, I agree with Peruvian, this only leaves with children probably scared of saying the wrong thing to both parents because whatever they say, it is bound to be interpretated wrongly accusing the other of being difficult.

Quesera21 · 08/05/2015 08:49

Come on ladies - lets all take a step back here.

If any of us women, ( regardless of position in this argument!) relied on the men to book any external activity for our children, they would still be waiting for swimming lessons, drama, tennis, piano, dance etc lessons by the time they left home.

Naturally football might get done, as long as we find the details out.

I do tell my EX what I am doing, but this whole "get permission" - that is a control mechanism on either side and he never gives me permission!
It is a courtesy call and then I do whatever I like.

Most clubs run weekly and I seriously doubt most busy mums sit there and work out which day is going to screw the other side over. I have 3 DCs, co ordinating their activities is hard enough, without considering what his new DPs, 2 DCs are doing and her timetable and his. I just book and live with it.

In the OPs case, who knows what the Mum said and has been interpreted by the DSCs - but looking after your kids even as the NRP, is about them having a normal family life and doing family things,. I struggle to see why in NRP time, they can not do their normal activities - if they come and sit at the house waiting to be entertained everytime - I can understand why that wears thin. They may have less time with the NRP in everyday life but that does not mean life stands still for them and reality becomes suspended for their time with NRP to be fantasy fun and games.

Auntstella- you had it right

kittensinmydinner · 08/05/2015 08:52

We ended up going to court over this issue . Dh ex continually booked their 3 dcs into activities 10 miles beyond our home which is already 25 miles from us. As well as the activities themselves cutting into the already inadequate time we have as a family, we were then expected to subject my dcs to an hours round trip to collect, then all back in the car for a further hour and a half to the 'activity' then have two hang around whilst the other does the activity (about 90 mins) No alternative activities available nearby, - it was in a hall on a housing estate. The other two could of course stay at home with me but that would mean the whole point of contact being void. We tried compromise, -to find the same activity between our homes (not acceptable to ex, only this one suitable in her opinion) To attend on a different day, - this activity actually available in dsc's home village on a week day night, dsc also free that night, Dh offered to pick his child up from home and facilitate this activity. - again unacceptable to ex as Dh only has contact EOW and ex does not want to 'upset' children by allowing them to see him 'out of schedule' - and not willing to facilitate weekday activity herself. Ex's complaint is that dcs didn't choose to come from 'broken' home. Why should they suffer because they have to go to their fathers EOW when children whose parents haven't split are able to do this type of activity. Spending time with him and I 'as a family' is 'not relevant' as they already have a family, which he chose to destroy. - we have been together ten years since his youngest was two - so not exactly a new thing.
Anyway, the reason we went back to court was that she used us refusing to comply with activities organised by ex on 'our time' - as reason to deny contact as we were 'not acting in the children's best interests. The hearing was very brief. The judge said unequivocally that, where both parents have PR then each parent makes their own decision as to what they believe to be in the child's best interest and whilst the father has no right to interfere with the Mother's Day to day life with the children, that right worked both ways. He stated further.. Whilst the children's opinions may be heard, the parent makes the decisions. He added that family breakup is regrettable and often difficult for the children, it is also a fact of life and the father (in this case) be allowed to parent his children, whilst they are with him, as he sees fit. He also added that if contact were to be further withheld, ex should consider that serious consequences were a real possibility.

kittensinmydinner · 08/05/2015 08:58

That should read ...subject my sdc to an hours round trip.....not dcs. - they would simply refuse to spend their w/e in a car !

PeruvianFoodLover · 08/05/2015 14:25

Come on ladies - lets all take a step back here.

I should congratulate myself on selecting a capable father for my DD, then - despite our incompatibility as partners, I've never held his parenting in such contempt.

HeadDoctor · 08/05/2015 16:26

What a delightfully sexist view, Quesera.

Quesera21 · 08/05/2015 23:47

ok - am happy to be corrected when someone posts that the male in any relationship , ex dp or otherwise found booked, bought the clothes for and took their daughter to ballet, drama or brownies.

and did not rely on the sm to do this.

I book stuff for my dcs that suits them and their siblings. I am buggered if I am going to consider his new dp, him and her kids in the equation. before anyone slams me - last on was on 30.12.14 and last weekend overnight was on 30th may 2014.

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