His ex arranging activities for the kids on "our" time

[trialsandtribs]

DPs ex has booked his 2 DC into a drama club which is once a week and therefore falls on "our" time eow.

We really want the kids to enjoy this activity and have so far taken them to every one but it is rather restrictive as we can't go away for wkends etc.

DP told his ex he couldn't guarantee taking them every wkend and he would have appreciated it if she'd talked to him first but her reaction (as always) showed the emotional intelligence of a gnat and was basically expecting everyone to fall in line with her.

DP and I discussed and called the organisers of the club who said that going even EOW was fine and that it wasn't designed to be a club for every week and the DCs wouldn't miss out if they couldn't make every one and we passed this info on to EX but I have just been told by the DCS that "mummy says you don't want us to do drama"... aaaaarrrrggggghhh.

I wish DP would stand up to her a bit more but he just loathes any form of contact with her as she's just such a pain about everything that he just doesn't say anything.

I'm very pro kids having hobbies and not feeling like they have 2 lives but i am not pro their mum controlling our wkends together...

Thoughts?

ok - am happy to be corrected when someone posts that the male in any relationship , ex dp or otherwise found booked, bought the clothes for and took their daughter to ballet, drama or brownies.

You need to raise your expectations, Q - the men in your life are definitely not representative of all!

When my DD was younger, ex use to do what you do - decide, arrange, book and equip our DD for activities that he would then expect me to take her too as well. Cubs, martial arts, pottery. Equally, he would refuse to consider her attending things during "his time" that he hadn't arranged. He would schedule play dates and sleepovers for her. He took tween DD and friend to see their favourite band in concert, including an overnight stay. He has, for the last 6 years, taken her to buy birthday/Xmas gifts for all family members, including my extended family. He buys her school uniform. He organises and takes her to dental appointments - I ended up having to seek legal advice as the dentist was unaware of my existence!

All of this is self-initiated on his part; in fact, it is a source of frustration to me that DD has duplicates and multiples of items that she grows out of. DDs stepmum has been the moderating influence - maybe because she reminds him that I exist in DDs life to, but possible just because ex now has something else to focus on other than "just" being Daddy.

He isn't unusual though (although he's a bit over zealous, at times). I know plenty of dads who do these things; I see them at weekends shopping with their DCs, at drop offs and pick ups, and I work and socialise with dads like this, too.

I'm sure it's not just luck that has meant you haven't encountered them. Raise your standards! Don't settle for a man who dumps on you.

I posted what I did because both my first and second husbands have been actively involved in activities for their(/my) children, from being babies to now as they approach their teenage years. Me and my ex manage to co-operate about activities, generally keep activities to our own contact days but would ask permission if that wasn't possible. DH's ex constantly books things in the time her DC are to be with DH and she has been criticised in court for this.

I have read with interest and found the difference in opinion on whether it is acceptable quite surprising. I personally don't think it's acceptable to arrange activities during the NRP's visitation, if the NRP only has eow access then that leaves 12 days out of 14 that the dc can embark on activities, is it really that difficult to find something in those 12 days and leave the other 2 free to allow a decent relationship between NRP and dc?

My DP is in a similar situation but different, if that makes sense. His DD lives hundreds of miles away so only gets school holidays. The last 2 half terms his ex has arranged for his DD to attend things on what would be the first weekend she comes down, slerp overs, birthday parties etc. DP has stuck his foot down and said no on both occasions and he has been met with a torrent of abuse of how he was ruining his DD's life as she is devastated at missing out on these things. She just cannot see that SHE is the one that is causing the upset making arrangements and promising her she can go.

It hasn't stopped her trying it on again this half term though! He had a text last week saying she had arranged for her family to visit on the weekend his DD comes down so she won't be coming until Monday. He stuck his foot down and said no, absolutely not. Again his is emotionally abusing his DD as she is devastated at missing out on seeing family. This is the same family that she sees once a month as opposed to her dad, who she sees on average once every 8 weeks.

Another hurrah for Catsmother

She should discuss and agree. Its not her time to organise - imagine the fuss if it was the other way around?

What the kids want to do is part of the discussion.