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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His ex arranging activities for the kids on "our" time

104 replies

trialsandtribs · 06/05/2015 09:52

DPs ex has booked his 2 DC into a drama club which is once a week and therefore falls on "our" time eow.

We really want the kids to enjoy this activity and have so far taken them to every one but it is rather restrictive as we can't go away for wkends etc.

DP told his ex he couldn't guarantee taking them every wkend and he would have appreciated it if she'd talked to him first but her reaction (as always) showed the emotional intelligence of a gnat and was basically expecting everyone to fall in line with her.

DP and I discussed and called the organisers of the club who said that going even EOW was fine and that it wasn't designed to be a club for every week and the DCs wouldn't miss out if they couldn't make every one and we passed this info on to EX but I have just been told by the DCS that "mummy says you don't want us to do drama"... aaaaarrrrggggghhh.

I wish DP would stand up to her a bit more but he just loathes any form of contact with her as she's just such a pain about everything that he just doesn't say anything.

I'm very pro kids having hobbies and not feeling like they have 2 lives but i am not pro their mum controlling our wkends together...

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 06/05/2015 22:38

*Knickers not knockers. Knockers in a twist would be painful

PeruvianFoodLover · 06/05/2015 22:40

The feel that I get from this thread is that nrps shouldn't have to do any activity's on contact days because its there time.

I think it's more that the DCs have limited time with their Dad, so a decision has to be made as to whether the DCs would benefit more from the club or the time with Dad. The DCs mum has made that decision unilaterally and expects the OPs DP to agree with, and facilitate, a decision that she has made about their DCs alone.

When the OPs DP has expressed disagreement and attempted to discuss it (rather than accept it as "fait accompli") the DCs mum has made the DCs aware of the disagreement that has taken place between their parents.

olgaga · 06/05/2015 22:46

Yes bluebell. So if the OP thinks it's all too much she will no doubt tell the children they have to fit in with her needs, their dad's needs and their sibling's needs. And lump it.

They'll make up their own minds about the restrictions imposed on them.

Alternatively, the OP might want to encourage these clubs and activities, as she would no doubt want to do for her own children.

I don't see why the children should be denied an activity they are really keen on, just because the RP may have assumed their dad might be pleased about their widening interests.

Or maybe she already knows that he doesn't put the children and their needs and wishes before his and the OPs. In which case what would be the point of consulting him?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 06/05/2015 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluebell8782 · 06/05/2015 23:09

Are you not reading the OP's posts??? Nobody is saying they would deny the child their activities?? It's just respectful and polite for the ex to discuss it with the other parent first. Even if the NRP is selfish and says no to an activity because they can't be bothered to take them..the RP still cannot make decisions on that parents time. That's NOT what is happening here, fortunately the OP is looking out for her whole family, but even if that WAS the case, the ex still cannot make decisions on the other parents time even if it was beneficial to the child. That is when mediation etc comes in if the situation is that bad. Nobody is saying that is ok. Often the NRP is the one that has to smile and sacrifice their limited contact time (not limited because of parental ability but because of the situation) and 'get on with it' because the RP has put them in a corner like a lot of us have described.

bluebell8782 · 06/05/2015 23:11

My post was in response to Olgaga -not you Cheeky :)

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 06/05/2015 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 06/05/2015 23:47

Around my neck of the woods there are lots of activities and clubs. Drama, dance, guides, football, cycling, swimming, synchro,you name it.

Many of my friends with two or three children have to consider the logistics - although these activiyies tend to be spread throughout the week and weekend. But they'll bust a gut and work with other parents to ensure their children can go to the clubs they like to attend with their mates.

If a club is on a night an NRP is expecting to see the DC, surely that means he or she has the night free to take the child to the activity? To discuss with them and enjoy the chatter and excitement of what they did that night?

If an NRP doesn't see much of their child, isn't that a fantastic way of being involved in their lives? To encourage and be part of their interests and activities?

Presumably the RP knows the NRP is free on nights when contact takes place. Why the need to ask permission?

olgaga · 07/05/2015 00:12

And I meant to add - drama clubs on a Saturday for young kids are never longer than an hour or two. It's hardly a huge amount of time to accommodate - especially every other weekend!

HerRoyalNotness · 07/05/2015 02:45

But the OP was saying they wanted to go visit grandparents and take the SC to london for a weekend, it seems the mother is very rigid the SC go to the activity every weekend, so they can't do anything else! That is not right.

OP, you will have to put your foot down. If you can get them to the activity when they are with you, great. But if you have a weekend away planned, then the SC will need to miss the activity on that weekend.

HerRoyalNotness · 07/05/2015 02:47

....,and I must add, that's what would happen in families where the parents are still together too!

olgaga · 07/05/2015 06:39

Yes I agree, attendance at any club is not compulsory, illness and other special events will sometimes prevent it.

In which case the DC will no doubt understand. But if attendance is being thwarted every other weekend for no good reason, they will inevitably think this is unfair.

PeruvianFoodLover · 07/05/2015 07:11

Presumably the RP knows the NRP is free on nights when contact takes place. Why the need to ask permission?

Goodness - I'm sure my DDs dad would be devastated if he thought I had that attitude!

The time a DC spends with a NRP is the opportunity for the DC to experience being parented by that parent. The NRP isn't "free" during contact; they are busy ensuring they give their DC that opportunity (I know a lot of NRP don't, but that's not the issue here).

If the NRP decides that part of how they would parent is to take their DC to an activity or club, then so be it, but if the NRP decides that other things are more beneficial to the DC then it's their responsibility to do that.

Some of the threads on this post read as if it is a fact that the RPs way of parenting is the only right way and that the NRP should go along with the RP decisions. I think that is a shame, because DCs miss out on half the parenting they have a right to. If their parents were still together, it's unlikely that the DCs would only experience parenting from one of their parents - so why should they miss out because their parents are separated?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 07/05/2015 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MythicalKings · 07/05/2015 07:26

I run a weekend club on a Saturday morning 10am - 12 noon. It's run on a not-for-profit basis and the subs just about cover the room hire. We currently have a waiting list and I would prioritise DCs who can be there almost every week rather than a EOW basis.

I agree separated parents should discuss weekend activities but also need to remember that the DC's wants should be taken into account. If they really enjoy the activity why would their DF not want them to go?

Of course there will be times when DCs miss a session for holidays, illness, family days out etc. but to refuse to let them go on Dad's weekend seems very unfair on the DCs.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 07/05/2015 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 07:31

You don't think parenting involves facilitating activities where the DC get to interact with friends outside school? Enjoying the post-activity chat? Finding out what the DC has or hadn't enjoyed?

What saddened me was the fact the activity organisers were contacted to discuss whether eow was ok. Implying that OP/DF had decided the activity wasn't going to happen in THEIR time.

I think that's very sad.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 07:33

Cheeky I would discuss it with the child. IME DC will not be forced to do an activity they have no interest in, so it's rather unlikely this has been organised simply to spite the ex/OP.

PeruvianFoodLover · 07/05/2015 07:40

You don't think parenting involves facilitating activities where the DC get to interact with friends outside school? Enjoying the post-activity chat? Finding out what the DC has or hadn't enjoyed?

I think that it can be part of parenting, but that it doesn't have to be. And I don't think it's my place to tell my DDs Dad how he should parent her.

If influencing his choices about DD was so important to me, I wouldn't have split from him. He's a perfectly capable parent, although he may not do things the same way as me. That doesn't mean he's wrong.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 07/05/2015 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 09:20

But the point isnt that the RP is determining how the NRP will spend time with the child. Ultimately that's up to the NRP of course. But say the NRP had been consulted, and vetoed the idea, does it therefore follow that the RP should not enable the child to pursue an interest in "their" time?

The point is to enable the child to pursue an interest wherever possible.

olgaga · 07/05/2015 09:24

Well if the NRP isworking that day and there is no-one to take the child (not necessarily family - can be planned with child's friend s parents) then obviously it's not possible.

But if the NRP is working that day they're not doing any parenting either!

olgaga · 07/05/2015 09:27

The other point is that all these clubs tend to be weekly in term time. There's not much any parent can do about that.

It would be rather a shame if children of separated parents miss out on activities they enjoy because their desire for attendance is misattributed to a "controlling" RP.

Sanityseeker75 · 07/05/2015 09:38

But if the NRP is working that day they're not doing any parenting either!

Really so all us moms out here who work don't parent at the same time? I am sorry but I don't stop being a parent when I work, I'm still mom even if my son is at school and if my DH is looking after my DS (his DSS). At the same time we have DSS EW and I don't think if my DH has to pop into work that he would consider himself less of a parent.

AuntieStella · 07/05/2015 09:41

I saw this in Active, and wanted to stick in something from the perspective of a family that isn't dealing with contact.

Which is that as children grow and develop their own interests, you have to lose the idea of all doing everything together. It just doesn't work like that, and outings all together become occasion treats and day trips, not whole weekends away (mini breaks in the school holidays are easier to arrange, because regular classes usually stop too). You cannot control what your DC want to do, nor make it fit in with your ideas of what you want them to do.

You need to ask, when everything is calmer, how much they want to do that class. If they're 'meh' then it's OK to skip it from time to time. But if they're keen (but wary of telling you that right now because it's clearly an issue, so using their Mum as an excuse so they don't feel they're the problem) then it's in their interests to get them to the class unless there's an overriding reason why not.

It must be hard when you didn't book the class, but (soon if not already) you won't be arranging what sorts of plans they cook up with their mates, when there are party invitations, when there are sports fixtures etc.

I didn't spot if you said how old your DSC are, but the window when parents control their social life is short, regardless of family arrangement.

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