Another Holidays moral dilemma....

[goldenteapot]

My aunt has just given me 1,000 to 'have a holiday with the children'. By this she means my dcs - she hasn't met DSD (v. old and lives far away).

I've not taken the DCs on holiday EVER. I've always promised them centreparcs if I could ever afford it because we used to go there with their dad (he still takes them).

My dcs do get lots of holidays with their dad and DSD has had lots of foreign holidays with friends and wider family paid for by her mum's parents (twice a year?).

So, what do I do? My dcs are primary aged and DSD is 16. She doesn't want to go to Centerparcs.

Do I:

1. take my dc to centerparcs
2. go somewhere else all together (caravan type thing)
3. split the money and have one hol for DSD and one for my dcs?

I'd rather to 1 obviously!

What is the right thing to do?

I suppose I could do 4. take dcs to visit Aunt, although she is really far away in a grim part of the country and it wouldn't be FUN TIMES for us.

I say 1.
shes 16, if she doesn't want to join you then thats her problem. as long as you have offered then no one can complain as she had the opportunity to go.

If DSD doesn't want to go to Centreparcs can she have, say, £200 of the money and you then do option 1? That way she has been included in the holiday (which she has declined) and been included in the gift as one of your children. At 16 I would have loved the cash!

Hmmm I would like to although I've got a feeling that if I do that, she will decide to come but just complain all the time to prove that it was a terrible idea! It will sort of put a dampener on the 'magical' angle.... it's tricky...

Giving her 'cash' feels a bit wrong. I would think that splitting the money might be fairer so DH could take her away for the weekend somewhere?

I would go to centre parcs, invite DSD and leave it up to her if she wants to join in or not.
But if she isn't keen on CP but would enjoy camping then that's a good compromise too.
Would it create tension between them all if your DC thought they weren't being taken to CP because of DSD?

I think giving money would be odd, would there be a cash alternative for the future when she (or one of your DC) didn't want to join in with something?

Could you dsd bring a friend?

DSD couldn't really bring a friend - I was looking at the 2-beds so while I could stretch to a 3-bed, a 4-bed would be too much and frankly TWO extra teenagers thrown into the lodge would definitely erode some of the magical element... :/

I really don't get this holiday thing.
Sometimes we take dsc and sometimes we just take my dc.
I honestly don't feel obliged to take dsc every time! There's the financial element and the fact that they go with their mum anyway! My dc aren't missing out because of the dsc, not happening

op, you refer to your DSD mum in the OP - is she your DSD primary carer (as much as anyone can be for a 16 year old!)?

I'm just thinking how, I, as the mum of a teen DD would feel in these situations.

The idea of giving your DSD some of the cash is, from my perspective as a mum, very odd - but I don't consider my DD Stepmum to be responsible for DD in any way; if you had integrated her in your own side of the family, then it would be different, I think.

The reality is that my DDs dad/stepmum often go away without her; DD doesn't know in advance, and certainly doesn't expect to be included every time. I'm not sure why so many stepmums battle with this apparent moral dilemma . who is giving the DCs these expectations?

Dsd lives with us full time

I think I'd go to Centreparks and leave it up to DSD if she wanted to come or not. I can't imagine a 16 year old enjoying either of the other options any more, so why not do what you prefer to do. If she chooses to come, then it is her choice, and she can hardly complain if she doesn't enjoy it!

^ this. Go to Centerparcs and ask DSD if she wants to come. If not, maybe give her some £ to go to the cinema with a friend of something while you're away.

You wouldn't need a 4 bed for DSD to bring a friend - the friend would share a room with her surely?

There are quite a lot of park holiday style things around that are a lot cheaper than Centreparks but have some of the same kind of stuff. Worth checking out other options - You can definitely get 3 bed caravans/mobile homes in flashy campsites with loads going on for teens and younger DCs that cost less than 2 beds at Centreparks. If DSD has a friend to hang around with she'll be happy and you can spend some time doing little kiddy stuff with your younger DCs.

And if you invite a friend, and you're lucky, the friend may invite DSD to holiday with them another time, and you could use the opportunity to do something just with your younger DCs whilst she's away.

If she lives with you full time I can't imagine how you could not invite her tbh - it's quite a different situation from a child who lives mainly with another parent and is already going on holiday with them.

Tbh ideally I'd rather go on my own with my dcs - no DH either!

I think I'm going to suggest splitting the money - even a weekend at centrepieces with activities is going to be impossible for 500 and is rather have a break with my dcs as I never get them on my own anymore.

That's the perfect solution then, you and DC go, DH and DSD have weekend at home together or doing their own things. Everyone's happy!

i was about to say no of course you don't need to invite DSD until i saw that she lives with you full time... so i'd say do what you want to do, ie centerparcs, and invite DSD, and if she doesn't want to go presumably at 16 she's old enough to leave on her own/stay with a friend for a couple of days?

I agree with dalmatianmad -- number 1, go with your DCs. I would invite DSD, but you choose where you're going and for how long etc. Don't split the money! It's ok for your dc to receive a gift from someone on their side of the family.

Exactly, as mrsravelstein says.

If I had a stepchild living with me I would find it really hard not to have time alone with my children.

Why don't you wait until she's going on a holiday and then book CP for yourself and your children?

Why would you prefer to go without your husband?

I would take my dc on holiday alone. As a resident step mum, I miss time with my own ds alone.

Sell it as a nice bit of one to one time for dh and dsd if you think you're going to get some sulking.

Don't feel guilty. You and your kids deserve a break.

Would you consider doing a different holiday though? Your kids will have lots of memories of cp with their dad. I think I'd prefer to go somewhere completely new.

I would invite DSD along but make it clear that she should only come if she thinks she would enjoy it. At 16 she might prefer not to go and would rather stay home and hang around with friends etc, and let her know that's fine too. If she wants to spend time with her siblings etc then she's welcome to. Don't offer an alternative or some cash. I don't see why you should have to change where you'd all like to go just in case you upset your DSD.