Boundaries between boyfriend and his toddler daughter

[violaspring]

Hi

A few weeks ago I entered a new relationship with a single father of a young girl (toddler).

I have been reading about step-parenting and some of the issues that can arise. This is partly because I feel I need to be aware of them just in case, but partly because I already have some concerns of my own. Mainly relating to boundaries between father and daughter. I have not yet met his daughter – these are my observations based on what I have seen and heard so far.

Some of the things that have bothered me are:

• He has (no exaggeration) about 60 photos of his daughter (nobody else in them) around his home, and only a couple with other people in.

• He calls his daughter “his Princess”. However, when he forgot about one of our dates a few weeks into our relationship and I said I always thought that if a guy really liked you, he would remember things like that and pull out all the stops, he told me that that was ‘fairytale’ thinking.

• He said to me that Valentines Day was not important to him, but that it was an opportunity to give a nice gift. We exchanged cards and gifts. I knew that Valentines this year would fall on his weekend with having his daughter and I was not expecting him to change that. However, I was secretly disappointed not to have the opportunity to do something special with him. I guessed he would have a quiet evening at home with his daughter. I was wrong. He took his daughter out to dinner in the evening. Not something he normally does. Which makes me think that Valentines DOES mean something to him… if it involves his daughter. When I asked him about this, he again said that it was ‘just an opportunity to do something’. He also made no secret of his plans for Valentines evening amongst those who we know – which made me feel humiliated.

• His daughter sleeps in his bed, but he says he tries to get her to sleep in her own bed. One time, he said to me that it would be nice if both his two favourite ladies (or something along those lines) could both sleep in his bed. Meaning her and me.

• He tells me that a ‘beautiful little lady’ is coming to visit him for the weekend (barf), meaning his daughter. He also calls me his little lady.

• There are two movies that he told me were ‘must sees’ and that I really ought to watch. So I did. Both were about “super dad”s who go to extreme lengths (killing people, willfully inflicting injury on themselves etc) to save their child and/or win the admiration of their child and ex wife. I can’t help but think it was pretty insensitive to get me to sit through BOTH of those movies.

It seems contradictory of him to expect me to take a more ‘alternative’ view of Valentines Day with few ‘fairytale’ expectations (which I generally do not have, though I can’t deny I like to be treated a little special – who doesn’t?), and yet he appears to be bringing up his daughter in a very conventional and princessy manner. For example, he calls her his “Princess”, reads her fairytales at bedtime, he buys her very gendered toys And takes her out to dinner on Valentines.

On top of this, his daughter’s mother occasionally threatens to stop him seeing his daughter. So he is fearful of doing anything that might jeopardise the present arrangements. This makes it difficult for him to present a girlfriend right now, for fear of what the mother could do.

I would be grateful for your thoughts on this. I am scared that there may be some red flags here, but don’t know if I am overreacting. Am I walking into something that I should run from?? Is there anything I can do?
I do not have children of my own. He has said to me that, all being well, he would like to get married and have more children however.

Op I posted before your post.

I am really really sorry for your childhood.

Do not be too hard in yourself!

Peruvian nothing op has written has suggested she has a future with this man. They have been involved for 2 months. Why not break it up now before she comes between a good father and his daughter and he is hardly a dp. They have only been together 2 months and already there are problems!

Op I think you are making the right decision for everyone involved. Its better to get out while its still early days. Am sure you will soon meet someone who will be better suited for you.

Thank you Love Books :'( I know what you are saying is true

OP I think you have had a really tough time on here, and a lot of people have been really unfair.

Those people who have children rarely realise how tough it is on a childless person being in a relationship with them. They automatically assume that the childless person will fall into line with everything that's needed, immediately love their little one as much as they do, and be happy with that arrangement. The person who usually gets forgotten, neglected, and left behind is the childless person and their needs in relationship..... which are such a low priority they're not worth bothering with, right? ;) There is a certain blindness and arrogance in people with kids who adopt this attitude.... they are not ready for a relationship since they have nothing to give to the other person that isn't conditional on the kid(s) involved, they don't even make an effort to do that within their circumstances. Cue much heartache for those who get involved with people with kids.... and then they get blasted for struggling with it?!

I don't think this man is ready for a relationship, and since it is his first since his breakup you are on especially dangerous territory (that is the big red flag for me). Valentine's is a signal, if he isn't prepared to at least show some loving intention on that day of all days (not necessarily a meal out, but the sentiment would be good) then you're onto a loser with this man, he will not be thinking about you. The right thing to do is to get out now and find a situation where you are likely to be loved unconditionally for who you are.

And don't blame yourself for it - this is nothing to do with your upbringing, and I don't think your original post was 'bad'. It was about your discomfort with someone else's situation and how they were treating you in relationship. And that is perfectly healthy.

I hope you can tell that I'm speaking from experience here. Good luck OP, look after yourself, and go and find some fun with someone who is prepared to be interested in YOU.

Those people who have children rarely realise how tough it is on a childless person being in a relationship with them. They automatically assume that the childless person will fall into line with everything that's needed, immediately love their little one as much as they do, and be happy with that arrangement. The person who usually gets forgotten, neglected, and left behind is the childless person and their needs in relationship..... which are such a low priority they're not worth bothering with, right?

You're living up to your name there daft. All that is required of the adult in the adult relationship is to try to behave like an emotionally mature adult OR to recognise that you're too young/not ready and get out.

All that is required of the adult in the adult relationship is to try to behave like an emotionally mature adult OR to recognise that you're too young/not ready and get out.

While I entirely agree with leaving a relationship if it isn't making you happy, I don't think age/readiness is a factor.

Different people want different things in life.

Not all parents dote on their DCs like the OPs b/f does, and so a different dad may be the perfect man for her.

In the same way, not all childless adults would be comfortable if their DP insisted on giving their relationship quality time at the expense of his DCs - they would prefer to wait in the wings and accept time together when his DCs are unavailable to him.

Everyone is different - and it's not maturity or readiness that dictates what works for individuals in a relationship.

I was childless when I met DH who had 2 sons and I was only 23. However I was mature enough to realise that I would never be number 1 in his life and that our relationship came second to that of his children.
I have had a wonderful relationship with my DSS's for the last 14 years as I never expected more than DH was able to offer.

Conflict comes when a SP isn't put first before the children but I think why the hell should they be.

flossy that's great for you and your DP, but what if he HAD put you first sometimes and you'd been unhappy with that?

A relationship only works if expectations are aligned - your DP wouldn't have been wrong to have prioritised you over his DCs sometimes, but you wouldn't have been wrong to have been unhappy if he did.

Pervian your post makes no sense sorry.

A relationship only works if expectations are aligned

That is true of any relationship not just to one with SDC.

arsenic you could equally say that an adult with children is only ready for another relationship when they are adult enough to realise that their child needs a lot of their time, but that a relationship requires giving and investment and love, as well. The adult relationship shouldn't ever be taken for granted.

Err okay daft but you do understand the fundamental difference between adults and children is that children depend on adults to safeguard their best interests because they don't have control over their own lives, wheras adults are able to look after themselves?

^whereas

If you actually read my posts, you would realise that wasn't what I was querying. I stand by my point - and I'm sorry you feel the need to be so patronising.

and I'm sorry you feel the need to be so patronising.

Oh you little comedienne, you.

It's perfectly possible to have a healthy parent-child relationship and a healthy relationship with a partner. It doesn't have to be one or the other, although unfortunately a lot of threads on this board seem to indicate that.

I think what's clear from this board is that there are vastly differing opinions as to what is "healthy" when it comes to those relationships.

It's what I meant upthread - both adults in a relationship have to share the same view of what is healthy in order for it to work - age, maturity or readiness is not the influencing factor.

Whatever.

He treats her as 'his princess' a) because she is, and b) because he feels guilty as hell for not being in her life full time...they all do!! If you want a relationship where you are the guys main priority, and I certainly don't blame you for that, then you probably need to find someone as free as you are! If you want to stay with him, you'll need to find a way of coping with being number 2 in his life, and I can tell you now....it's not easy!

People can be (and often are) rather nasty in this topic OP. If you are genuine you may have kinder responses in other sections.

I didn't think you sounded jealous. And it did sound as if your boyfriend could be blurring the boundaries in his mind between child/parent roles eg idolising her in a way that made you uncomfortable. I have a male acquaintance who does this and it makes me uncomfortable. I think it comes from insecurity of losing the affections of their child.

I think your feelings of discomfort would only increase if you stayed in the relationship.

I think its him that should b running from you.
he sounds like a great dad.

Has anyone questioned why he decided to take a 2 yr old out for dinner on Valentine's? Surely in a new relationship he would want to put his daughter to bed (don't 2 year olds go to bed at 7pm ish?). Then they could have spent the evening together at home with a nice meal, candles and a film etc.

Wouldn't that be a nice compromise? He still sees his daughter until bedtime then he spends the evening with his girlfriend.

They could always go out to dinner in the week too.

Where's the respect to her when he expects her to co sleep with his child. That's a huge ask of the girlfriend. Co sleeping isn't always an example of great parenting.

Nor is taking your two year old out for dinner on Valentine's.

I have a useless ex so I know how much I would love my ds to have a better parent in him but nothing op has posted has made me presume he's a great parent like many of the posters have suggested.

He sounds like a really good daddy just like my dh. My ad was 4 weeks when we met and his phone pics laptop everything was all pictures of his wee girl and rightly so he was single and she was only thing in his life so of course 100% his attention was his baby. I'd have been the weird on if that freaked me out an calling it baby girl princess.. Wats wrong with that? By sound of your opening line u made him sou d like he was guna b some sort of pdado. I should admire him an shows u if u were to have kids with him he did b same to your kids and you would burst with pride as I do when I see me dh with our kids

I haven't read the usual hilarious stepmum bingo end to end since your original post, but from that, it doesn't sound to me like you are ready to be a step mum.

The behaviour seems completely normal to me although letting the daughter sleep in his bed all the time seems a bit ill advised, though only from a practical point of view that she is likely to get disturbed sleep and struggle if he stops that. Otherwise all sounds like normal dad behaviour to me.

I think you're trying to understand so perhaps if you work through this you CAN be ready to be a step mum, you've asked the questions so that seems like a good start that you want to be a good one.

This actually all sounds like a green flag to me. Something I found very lovely in my man is what a fantastic dad he is. He is loving and close and she was his world when we met. I came a distant second and sometimes it hurt. But it shows a huge emotional maturity to be unashamed of loving his kid, and stick by her no matter how much mum tries to muscle him out. I think you might find if that loyalty and emotional support and caring gets turned on to you as well as your relationship grows you might find him to be a keeper. I could never be with a man who was a bad dad, who would want such a creature in their lives? Now me and DSD are both the princesses together and its absolutely lovely.

If you are willing to come second to a little girl you barely know for a while I think you might find its well worth it. But please take it slowly as kids attach very quickly so you will find it much harder to break a little girls heart than a grown man. And it would be inexcusable to be a grown adult in her dads house who resents her. Good luck to you you sound like a nice person.

OP, if you're still around, I agree with Robotroy. You and this man both sound like nice people.

If you're not used to affection in families, then the sorts of interactions you're describing can seem very intense. I was similar until my friends had children and I started seeing that sort of thing a lot more. Now I realise that it's quite normal, and would avoid any man who didn't have a good relationship with his children - I was in a relationship with someone for 6years who had a more distant relationship with his daughters, which I thought was ideal for me, but actually it was an example of why I should have run a mile!

I can look at all of the examples you've given and see them as positives rather than things to worry about.