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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Husband defends stepdaughter every time.

59 replies

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 21:56

Doesn't matter what i say, my husband defends my 11 year old step daughter in front of us both even when he knows she's wrong.People have told me by 13 she will be more into her friends & won't be so clingy to her dad. But for now I feel like whenever it happens, she's sat there with middle finger up at me! Advice please!

OP posts:

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expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 21:58

You married a man with a kid and expected him to put you first.

Helpfulghoul · 21/01/2015 22:04

Defending an 11 year old even when she's wrong doesn't fall under the classification of putting his partner before his child.

No advice OP, but I'm sure it's hard to deal with. Hopefully someone with more insight will be along soon.

redcaryellowcar · 21/01/2015 22:05

He will always have roams probably want to put her first, it's probably best you stop trying to'win' because you won't, he'll love you but it's totally right he loves her too. Don't be the wicked step mother, it's not essential.

redcaryellowcar · 21/01/2015 22:06

Sorry that should start with he will always have to and probably wants to...

Seriouslyffs · 21/01/2015 22:07

Does she literally stick her finger up at you?
I'd concentrate on the open defiance from her to start with.

needaholidaynow · 21/01/2015 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halestone · 21/01/2015 22:23

I think you possibly need to have better communication with your Dh. I can see why he does this but obviously at the same time it undermines you. This situation will only be resolved through talking to each other. He gets to explain to you why he does it and you explain how it makes you feel. Reach a compromise.

For me and Dp we often just text each other when this situation occurs and DsD hasn't realised yet that we are doing it. It saves us having major disagreements infront of her. Obviously we still have minor disagreements but who doesn't.

TRexingInAsda · 21/01/2015 22:29

Is she definitely wrong, or does she just disagree with you? Do you have an example? Have you spoken to him about it afterwards, when she's not there, and asked him why he does it? He needs to be able to see what he's doing first and then to figure out why. Maybe he feels he needs to be on her side, especially if you two disagree a lot. Depending on what it's about, maybe he feels like her feeling secure and supported is more important than who's actually right?

Runnyhunny · 21/01/2015 22:32

I would go so far as to say your Dh should go out of his way to show his dd that although he loves her just the same as he has always done, he will not tolerate lack of respect towards you. If she is wrong he tells her, if you are wrong in his opinion, then he tells you privately. Your dsd should know you and dh are a team.

I am having exactly the same problems as you, and it almost tore our marriage apart, because being confident in my relationship with my own children I am very happy to pull them up if they're rude to dh. But he wouldn't risk upsetting his if they are rude to me. Makes my blood boil and my marriage hell.

Original poster

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 22:35

People say you don't love a stepchild like your own, I don't think that's true. I watched her grow from a 4 year old girl into a beautiful, intelligent, talented, bright 11 year old. In all that time it doesn't matter how much time you spend, love, money, holidays, roof over their head & food on the table you NEVER receive anything back cos your not mum or dad your just the other person there. I don't set punishments, I don't send her to her room, I don't ground her, I don't smack her, I don't confiscate anything from her. . . I don't think I have the right, not her parent. But I do expect some respect & manners. & when my husband makes every excuse she's only a kid, she's only 11, she was in a rush. All because she hasn't said please or thanks for having me, thanks for taking me on holiday, thanks for Xmas pressies. All defending her when he knows she's wrong. I find really upsetting especially when we have younger children & she is not the baby, she's the example setter. He has been a step parent himself in the past so has walked my shoes but seems to have forgotten my point of view entirely.

OP posts:

hesterton · 21/01/2015 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 22:39

Runnyhunny it's awful. It's tearing us apart. It's not about taking sides it's about working as parents & as a family as a team but my husband doesn't ever see it like that. It's him & his daughter against me & the two little ones!

OP posts:

JustSpeakSense · 21/01/2015 22:43

I don't agree with the PP, My children say please and thank you for snacks and meals I cook them, for presents I buy them and for days out and holidays they get taken on.

husbanddoestheironing · 21/01/2015 22:43

This rings so many bells for me, I sympathise deeply, it's so difficult, there are so many undercurrents of emotions going on, but be reassured,15 years on we all have a great relationship. IMO the just pre teen years are awful. There were days when I stayed only so my (now lovely) step daughter didn't win.
Some things that worked for us:
Pre-arranged daddy/daughter only times where I went out ( or they did)

Discussed issues with DH when I was calm and we were on our own
I tried to be consistently patient and creative in finding ways to ensure things weren't just one-sided, (there was one time I really really lost it, which has become part of family folk law as the 'great cushion incident') but DH and I agreed on a very few fixed lines that couldn't be crossed.
Most of all i held on to the fact that my DH is the love of my life, and the other stuff really doesn't go on for ever (though it did feel like it at times) Good luck OP

hesterton · 21/01/2015 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

husbanddoestheironing · 21/01/2015 22:48

And yes, just seen the later posts that mine crossed with, the usual family politeness thing was one of the 'lines'
Even now though we do make sure that my DH has time on his own with her occasionally, without me or our other 2.

Canyouforgiveher · 21/01/2015 22:49

I do expect some respect & manners. & when my husband makes every excuse she's only a kid, she's only 11, she was in a rush. All because she hasn't said please or thanks for having me, thanks for taking me on holiday, thanks for Xmas pressies.

I think all you can do is make sure you enforce your expectations of thanks/manners etc on your own children,even if you do it in front of her, and hope it rubs off. Even without the step thing 11 year olds can be thoughtless/selfish.

But one thing that struck me is the "thanks for having me". When she is with you she is in her own home - why would she thank you or her dad for having her?

lunar1 · 21/01/2015 22:49

Why would she thank her dad for having her?

Quangle · 21/01/2015 22:52

I wouldn't thank my dad for having me or for taking me on holiday as a child. I might have expressed enjoyment but it would be odd for a young child to thank a parent for things that parents do.

BouleSheet · 21/01/2015 22:57

the just pre teen years are awful

I second this! My children would thank us for taking them on holiday/days out etc. It's manners innit!

AmantesSuntAmentes · 21/01/2015 23:00

She shouldn't have to thank her dad for having her or for being included in a holiday - why shouldn't she be? Why should she have to show gratitude for being treated as part of her family?

I find really upsetting especially when we have younger children & she is not the baby, she's the example setter.

Why are you putting this on her? It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong and it is for you to teach your DC, not her.

Original poster

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 23:04

They do get time together on thier own & away from the little ones aswell. When I try to help I'm still wrong, shes 11 late loosing her teeth, not really bothered about her appearance, (we've all been their) she's very athletic inTo sports. Her mum sends her looking like a bag lady. I've bought her clothes to wear & straighter her hair etc & she loves it being girly. I've discussed this with my husband, he knows the clothes she turned up in makes her look like a bag lady he still defends her saying that I'm pecking at her! Hey, no-one fancied sporty spice!!!

OP posts:

TRexingInAsda · 21/01/2015 23:07

I don't think it's fair to expect her to thank you for treating her as one of the family's children. I can see why your dh feels the need to defend her - and that is his job as her dad.

Original poster

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 23:09

Amantesunamentes you are completely right that is my question it's not just about my stepdaughter it's how do I get my husband to co operate no matter what I say or do I am wrong in his eyes. How can I change this????

OP posts:

lunar1 · 21/01/2015 23:09

Fucking hell your last reply is awful on so many levels, no wonder her dad needs to defend her.

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