Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Husband defends stepdaughter every time.

59 replies

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 21:56

Doesn't matter what i say, my husband defends my 11 year old step daughter in front of us both even when he knows she's wrong.People have told me by 13 she will be more into her friends & won't be so clingy to her dad. But for now I feel like whenever it happens, she's sat there with middle finger up at me! Advice please!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

merrygoround51 · 22/01/2015 16:37

Its a really difficult age, not quite a child or a woman.

I think you should be glad that she is not self aware, 11 year olds wearing tracksuits are better than 11 year olds with body issues wearing inappropriate outfits. All the 11-16 year olds around my way seem to wear oversize Abercrombie and their long hair in messy ponytails. I would try and just ignore how she looks, provided basic hygiene is in place.

She should have manners and say thank you for gifts etc but 11 year olds often don't.

As for chores thats a must, once it isnt too onerous, you dont want her feeling like Cinderella

AdoraBell · 22/01/2015 19:58

OP try to look at this from a different angle. Her father calls her Stig and says she looks like a bag lady. Does he do this to your/ your DCs, and if so how does he respond if you pull him up?

For me the fact that her father says those things to her changes this completely. Is the pressure you feel coming from him?

CalicoBlue · 22/01/2015 20:29

It is hard with a stepchild of this age.

From reading your post you just want some support from your DH. I would suggest not getting into these conversations in front of her. If there is a behaviour issue try to talk to your DH alone and if he needs to he can address it alone with her. Make him understand that by taking sides he is undermining you and damaging your relationship with her.

I have an awful relationship with my DSS, who I had a great relationship with when he was little. He would go out of his way to make up stories about things I had said and done, all absolute lies. It escalated to the stage where there would be silence when he was at the dining table as my DC and I knew anything we said would be reported back to his mother and twisted into lies. Now he does not speak to anyone in the house and does not come into the same rooms as the rest of us. He has got very fat and is quite smelly, not my problem, I don't talk to HD about it at all.

Don't let it get that far. Let the little stuff go and just work on getting through the times she is with you without friction.

bettyboop1970 · 22/01/2015 20:41

You think this is bad, wait till she's a teenager. If she has no boundaries now, she will be impossible to parent. I admire step parents, I don't think I could do it.

bloodygorgeous · 01/02/2015 07:49

Absolutely Goldmandra.

I think there is a huge chasm between expecting our children and stepchildren to be courteous as opposed to them thanking us for simply including them in family life!

And there is a big difference between being appreciative and being grateful.

I expect my teens to appreciate when we do things for them but not be grateful for them being alive, being a part of our family, for living in our home.

lemisscared · 01/02/2015 08:02

so you criticise how she looks? who straigtens an 11 yo hair ffs???? and as for the nails? why? i know the mother does that but really? she is expected to thank you for things that their kids take for granted?

the message this girl is being sent loud and clear is that she isn't good enough.

you are going to destroy her self esteem.

nooka · 01/02/2015 08:11

I'm not really understanding the dynamics very well, how can the dh be said to be defending his daughter when he is also abusing her? It's incredibly unkind of him to call her a bag lady or stig (I assume from stig of the dump) especially if she is wearing clothes that her mum buys her and so has little choice about. If she doesn't have self image problems yet she soon will :(

Mehitabel6 · 01/02/2015 08:15

I think that the problem is suddenly being presented with an older child and having unrealistic expectations.

TendonQueen · 01/02/2015 09:59

I am very confused by the idea of a mother who sends their child anywhere 'looking like a bag lady' so doesn't bother about their clothes but on the other hand takes them to get new false nails every 3 weeks. That doesn't make any sense.

The way all the adults in this girl's life talk about her is awful. She is perfectly fine to dress in whatever manner she wants as long as she's hygienic. Why should an 11 year old need to wear 'more' than a tracksuit? They're not in a catwalk show or attending board meetings. It's a parent's role to make children feel comfortable with their own appearance not more insecure about it. If her dad is having a go about this then that's a huge problem: plus, is he a dead ringer for Brad Pitt dressed immaculately the whole time? Kids notice double standards.

If she actually is sporty (as opposed to just wearing the gear) then that should be encouraged and praised. And while no 11 year old should feel they have be 'fanciable' the idea that that sporty can't equate to that and only 'girly' will do is ridiculous. Look at Jessica Ennis-Hill, who is a much better role model for a pre teen girl than some false nail wearing model.

Finally, my parents were immensely strict about manners. I would always have said thank you for presents. However, I never said 'thank you' for going on a holiday: that was just something we all did as part of family life. And I would have thanked people for having me if visiting my friends' houses but it would never have applied to family members.

Flip

1 2 3