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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Husband defends stepdaughter every time.

59 replies

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 21:56

Doesn't matter what i say, my husband defends my 11 year old step daughter in front of us both even when he knows she's wrong.People have told me by 13 she will be more into her friends & won't be so clingy to her dad. But for now I feel like whenever it happens, she's sat there with middle finger up at me! Advice please!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RainbowFlutterby · 21/01/2015 23:12

OK, from that last post it sounds as if you are pecking at her.

Why does an 11 yr old need to be "fancied"?

I'm not surprised your husband feels the need to defend her from you.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 21/01/2015 23:12

Is this a joke? You criticise your dsd for not being girly enough and expect her dad to agree?

Goldmandra · 21/01/2015 23:15

I'm not sure thanks for having me is an appropriate expectation if you're talking about being in your home. This is also her home if her father live there.

The same applies to holidays unless you would expect your own DCs to thank you.

If there were Christmas presents explicitly from you perhaps some thanks would be appropriate but, if they were from the two of you jointly, maybe a general thank you would suffice?

I am all for giving children firm boundaries, having high expectations of their behaviour and not making excuses for poor behaviour but I am wondering how much of her behaviour could be because she doesn't feel like a full family member and her dad is aware of this and trying to make up for it.

Original poster

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 23:19

No no no!! That has come out all wrong. It's not about being girly or being fancied. I'm so sorry that is wrong of me. I'm just saying at this age she needs to brush her teeth, & brush hair & dress in something more than a track suit & become a little more self aware. Sorry if I've agendas anyone. I really haven't meant to offend anyone I'm just after advice.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 21/01/2015 23:22

I'm just saying at this age she needs to brush her teeth, & brush hair & dress in something more than a track suit & become a little more self aware.

Sorry, apart from brushing her teeth, I disagree. She needs to be wearing what makes her comfortable.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 21/01/2015 23:26

That's a relief. Personally I'd let her wear what she likes so long as it's clean (and you're not going to a wedding or something).

I think your expectations may be a little high. She's plenty old enough to say thank you, but lots of 11yos still need reminding. Might you come across as over-critical to a possibly hormonal and sensitive 11yo?

lunar1 · 21/01/2015 23:29

My advice to you is that while your husband might need to change his attitude so do you. Do your children get up every morning and thank you for allowing them to sleep in your home?

Your dsd has as much right to be in the house as you and the other children. I feel so sorry for her, she is made to feel unwelcome and that she can't be herself.

AdoraBell · 21/01/2015 23:29

You say "no matter what I say". But do you say that she looks like a bag lady in the clothes her mother provides? Has either she or her father ever heard you use that phrase? And why does she need to straighten her hair? Who made, or makes, that decision, did she ask for the hair straighteners?

Also, why does she need to dress in something other than a track suit? What does that mean, do you think she should be wearing dresses or skirts?

Original poster

Flossy210 · 21/01/2015 23:42

I thought the pre-teen need a little guidance, tooth/hair brushing. turning up damp fusty smelling clothes, off white/now grey pants/school shirts isn't nice. I haven't ever slagged her or her mum off for it. I've just bought pants, extra school shirts, clothes. Surely this I nice guidance or have I got this all wrong or is everyone on here just really brutal??

OP posts:

Original poster

Flossy210 · 22/01/2015 00:00

Her mum allows her to straightene her hair and I would NEVER have done it if not, also her mum pays for her to have false acrilic nails in a nail bar with In fills every 3 weeks. Therefore she uses that excuse for not helping with anything around the house. My thoughts are if she's old enough to have false nails & a mobile phone/Instagram then she's old enough to dry few pots. Again my husband disagrees. She is absolutely made more than welcome in our house, & she doesnt have to say thank you for staying every time she comes, it's her home not a hotel but what I'm saying is manners don't cost a penny. The manners instant was just an example. My problem isn't so much about the manners issues what people on here think it's about, it's about working together as a family to get over the defensive issue.

OP posts:

AmantesSuntAmentes · 22/01/2015 00:03

When I try to help I'm still wrong, shes 11 late loosing her teeth

Wtf has this got to do with anything?! You are in the wring, BTW.

not really bothered about her appearance, (we've all been their) she's very athletic inTo sports.

More into fitness than appearance for appearance sake? Good for her!

Her mum sends her looking like a bag lady.

NOT DSDS FAULT!!

I've bought her clothes to wear & straighter her hair etc & she loves it being girly.

Nice treat but you need to stop criticizing the poor child and let her know she's beautiful just as she is. If her dad is doing this, he's right to!

I've discussed this with my husband, he knows the clothes she turned up in makes her look like a bag lady he still defends her saying that I'm pecking at her!

Of course he does!! IT'S NOT HER FAULT!! And just because her other home has a different taste in clothes to you, doesn't make them wrong.

Hey, no-one fancied sporty spice!!!

Quitethewoodsman · 22/01/2015 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 22/01/2015 00:07

My problem isn't so much about the manners issues what people on here think it's about, it's about working together as a family to get over the defensive issue.

But you're being offensive, so of course she and her father will (quite rightly) be defensive! Stop being offensive. It's escalating. Work on diffusing, in order to open to pathway to non- critical, non-judgemental communication.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 22/01/2015 00:15

Whoa! Step back a bit

So she turns up a bit scruffy/whatever - so what?

If she is comfortable with this, then all you are potentially doing is making her feel uncomfortable. And winding yourself up - and for what?

I get what you are saying about manners being important (NOT that she should thank you for having her, that would be ridiculous) but come on, do your children thank you every time they should...never need to be reminded...I know my DS has to be reminded sometimes.

She's 11....she will be going through some really weird/horrid/brilliant/amazing/bizarre/shit/younameit times over the next few years...don't fight with her - just be there for her

Original poster

Flossy210 · 22/01/2015 00:30

Quitethewoodsman - great advice so far. Amentrsuntsamentes - your right this has esculated for many reasons. My husband will often criticise her but in front of her, & yes does call her bag lady (hense the reason I used the term.) or stig. That's ok for him to be rude to her face & knock her self esteem but if try to help her rather than saying them kind of things, then I'm pecking. Thanks for the advice some good & some brutally critical to take on board & think about my own attitude towards situation. Thanks peeps big help.

OP posts:

Snapespotions · 22/01/2015 00:33

OP, I'm sorry that you feel unsupported by your DH, but you do sound very judgemental towards your dsd. The poor child is only 11!

Of course she should remember her manners, but she shouldn't be made to feel like a guest in her own home. And I think you should lay off about her appearance unless she asks for your help.

mynewpassion · 22/01/2015 02:04

Let her dad, who she knows loves her unconditionally say those things to her tactfully , not you. From you, it sounds offensive, mean, and spiteful. She will think you hate her. Strangers are offended on her behalf by your last posts.

needsomeunderstanding · 22/01/2015 02:24

I think the appearance thing, you need to let go of. Just because. She doesn't dress as you would want her to, doesn't mean it's wrong. My ds doesn't dress as I want him to but I compromise. Cleanliness is different however.

As for the defensiveness from your partner, I assume he's doing this in front of dsd? If so, I think he's setting you up to fail in your relationship with her.

Don't bank on her getting more independent as she gets older, my dsd are 17 and 18 and still sitting by his side every evening! It's very common in step children!

Try and detach and let him get on with it. But if he won't listen to you on things such as teaching her manners, then make sure you limit your input in other ways. If you all live together, you should at least, be listened to. If he won't do that, I assume he won't accept your help in cooking, cleaning and generally helping with dsd?!

Goldmandra · 22/01/2015 08:04

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect her to help out with a few chores, like drying pots. In fact, this would probably reinforce her position as a member of the family, rather than a guest.

That's quite different from criticising her voice of clothing and appearance.

CrispyFern · 22/01/2015 08:15

Sheesh. Poor girl, her dad calling her stig and a bag lady.

That must hurt.

And the answer you see is to change her. I'd tell him to shut the hell up! 11 year old girls can be sporty and they don't have to be groomed like TOWIE, surely? :(

Pagwatch · 22/01/2015 08:27

I have a 12 year old and anything to do with appearance is really tricky so you have my sympathy.
My advice FWIW is to look at the big picture and never 'suggest '.
I am a big believer in praising the stuff I like and drawing a veil over the rest.
Yesterday we went out for the day and DD, with an astonishing wardrobe, looked like a vagrant. She had been swimming the night before and was tired - hadn't washed her hair. I was introducing her to people feeling quietly grumpy that she looked a mess but remembered that that was all about me.
Instead I talked about how awesome she had been at training the night before.
Brushing her teeth is a must but her dad can nag about that.

I only manners are pointless if you have to insist upon them. Model them, talk about any good manners you see in evidence with enthusiasm and let go of everything else.
Children don't just pick up on implied criticism - they bloody look for it when it's not there.

Stop quietly wanting her to be girly - if we know that's what you want from your posts on here then she sure as hell knows.
Good luck

lunar1 · 22/01/2015 08:35

The more you post the worse her life sounds. Your husband is cruel and even your positive posts about her come across as snide. You and your husband need to do better and show her some love. I'm not surprised she can be rude her life sounds horrible.

BrainyMess · 22/01/2015 14:25

Im a step mum to a similarly aged girl.

I think you need to back off and cut her some slack.
If she wants to dress casual, its her call.
As long as her hygiene is ok, keep out of it.

he knows the clothes she turned up in makes her look like a bag lady he still defends her saying that I'm pecking at her! Hey, no-one fancied sporty spice!!!

I can't quite believe you thought that, never mind wrote it down.

Seriously she's her own person, not an extension of you or anyone else.

She will find her own style in her own time.

Storm15 · 22/01/2015 15:28

Of course she should say thank you for being taken on holiday, for gifts etc. Not so much 'for having me' - as others have said, it is her home too. I expect my children and my SC to say thank you for any and every gift they receive. Actually, today is a good day, today we're posting 124 thank you notes that the four of them have finally finished writing for all of their Christmas gifts...I'm taking them to post the letters after school and then we're going for a celebratory hot chocolate (which no, I do not expect them to say thank you for)!

OP have you had it out with your DH? The issue here is not your DSD. It's your relationship with your DH. By all means nag your DSD to brush her teeth (although imo, her Dad should be taking responsibility for that if she's not yet mature enough to). All the other stuff (regarding her dress sense, hairstyle etc) isn't very important / relevant. It's also not really your place to try and change it I'm afraid.

Goldmandra · 22/01/2015 15:43

Of course she should say thank you for being taken on holiday

I wonder how many MNers expect their own 11YOs to specifically thank them for the family holiday. I'm sure there are some but not enough for it to be an "of course".

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