Maintenance not being spent on dsd's

[Snowflake19]

My dp's ex has 7 children by 4 different men, 2 are my dp's, the other fathers do not see or contribute to the other children she has. He pays £300 a month to his ex for his daughters age 6 and 5, we have them EOW and 2 nights in the week for tea, the problem that we have is they always come in the same filthy clothes, they only seem to have at most 2 outfits each and they're a size 3-4 so don't fit them, they never come in socks and have had the same shoes for months. They are also always filthy dirty, black nails and soles of feet and they regularly come crawling with headlice. His ex is on full benefits so doesn't have to pay rent or council tax, 2 of her older children have ADHD so she claims a hell of a lot of money off the government in carers allowance and disability, we just can't understand with all her combined income from benefits and maintenance why the girls are walking around in rags, are we right to question her on exactly what she spends the maintenance on as it clearly isn't being spent on the girls. Me and my dp get really upset by this.

I wasn't talking about everyone pp - I was giving one example of a mum who had managed to get a diagnosis as the criteria were very similar to general emotional distress.

I know that emotional unhappiness does not cause ADHD.

There really are people out there who desperately try to get themselves and their children labelled with one thing or another in order to get more benefits.

Mums don't "manage to get a diagnosis" unless there's a basis for that. Maybe if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it is a duck.

'I was giving one example of a mum who had managed to get a diagnosis as the criteria were very similar to general emotional distress.'

It takes the involvement of many professionals to get these diagnoses: a GP (who refers the child to at least one paed), an educational psychologist, a SALT, an OT, the school (teachers, headteachers, assistants).

It took 3 years for my son to be diagnosed, and he is 6. He has been experiencing behavioural issues from toddlerhood. These did not attenuate and worsened as he progressed through nursery and now school.

These professionals can easily spot the difference between general emotional distress caused by homelife from a disorder like ADHD.

Ah mumsnet, ya gotta love it.

In the Relationship forum mothers are often heinous, neglectful, abusive harridans...

But in Step-parenting they are nearly always struggling paragons of virtue despite all opposing evidence.

You have my sympathy OP :)

I would never begrudge anyone getting the benefits they are entitled to whatever their financial situation
However these benefits are intended solely for those they are supposed to be helping.

Does anyone actually know anyone whose child is on the spectrum who has got a diagnosis quickly and easily?

And I agree- stepmothers are up there with social workers, MILs, health visitors and feminists as the most hated groups on Mumsnet!

"on the spectrum"
they were talking about ADHD not ASD

I didn't think those terms were used any more......

ASD means 'Autistic Spectrum Disorder' and yes it is used . But it is not what they were talking about.

ADHD is an autism spectrum disorder.

'Does anyone actually know anyone whose child is on the spectrum who has got a diagnosis quickly and easily?'

No.

If it really is that bad, I think you need to do what it takes to get the girls living with you.

On the headlice front, nit comb them when they are with you twice a week, hopefully that will keep them at bay.

ADHD often goes hand in hand with ASD but isn't itself a form of autism.

Getting a diagnosis usually takes a few years.

I don't Hakluyt. It took two years, an assessment from the neurodisability Pead, CAMHS assessments, OT, Dietition involvement, two years of SALT and an ed psych report before my high functioning Aspie was diagnosed. No one gets an quick diagnosis, it is far from easy to get a referral let alone assessment, especially if your child is high functioning, anyone who thinks otherwise is an ignorant arse. As for claiming disability benefits, have you seen the DLA form? Experienced filling it in, gathering the pages and pages of evidence? So much ignorant bollocks spouted on here. Also ASD and ADHD are often a co-morbid diagnosis, it is quite common to have both.

DLA forms are a nightmare and for those who have been assigned a social worker ,as in the case of the mother in question, the task of completing these forms often falls onto the professional and not the parent.

Am I the only one imagining the mum in this situation is probably not half as bad as is made out here, because if she was no way would you keep sending those children back without doing more.
I've never had a child with adhd, but I'd never be stupid to blame it on the parenting. It sounds like you need to get out more.

Maybe try posting on nethuns you might get more sympathy or hostility towards the mother that you were looking for. The adult thing to do is to help as much as possible to keep those children feeling safe and secure with their mother and siblings whilst being better looked after.
How awfully distressing for them!

And they aren't other children, they are siblings, brothers and sisters.

And where in this thread has the OP stated the ADHD is caused by her parenting. That was other posters not the OP.

Who's blaming ADHD on the parents? I'ts congenital ,not something you acquire.

I don't think the OP wanted sympathy, just a vent and perhaps some friendly advice.

She has real concerns about these children. She and their father clearly care about them.

Nethuns ; how very patronising.

If the children are sleeping on mattresses in bedrooms with no carpet. Inappropriately clothed and yet she is off to Egypt for 10 days then yes I would think she is half as bad as described

My ds has a bed but sleeps in a matress on the floor as either dh or me are often sleeping next to him, to get off or if he wakes in night. Its very comfy.

Hakluht no ADHD is not an ASD.

How did the meeting with the SS go today snow ?