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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Maintenance not being spent on dsd's

150 replies

Snowflake19 · 20/01/2015 18:27

My dp's ex has 7 children by 4 different men, 2 are my dp's, the other fathers do not see or contribute to the other children she has. He pays £300 a month to his ex for his daughters age 6 and 5, we have them EOW and 2 nights in the week for tea, the problem that we have is they always come in the same filthy clothes, they only seem to have at most 2 outfits each and they're a size 3-4 so don't fit them, they never come in socks and have had the same shoes for months. They are also always filthy dirty, black nails and soles of feet and they regularly come crawling with headlice. His ex is on full benefits so doesn't have to pay rent or council tax, 2 of her older children have ADHD so she claims a hell of a lot of money off the government in carers allowance and disability, we just can't understand with all her combined income from benefits and maintenance why the girls are walking around in rags, are we right to question her on exactly what she spends the maintenance on as it clearly isn't being spent on the girls. Me and my dp get really upset by this.

OP posts:

JoanHickson · 21/01/2015 09:45

There is more focus on caring for our carers now. I wonder if their thinking is apply for grants for bedrooms, carpets and a holiday for Mum. A holiday will give her a break and will cheer her up.

I take it you have no understanding of depression?

The five dc sleeping on carpet less floor must feel rubbish seeing two siblings with nice bedding and carpets. It must make the Mum feel rubbish she is failing them.

Original poster

Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 09:49

Yes we do live nearby and would be happy to have them 50/50. My dp is waiting for a phonecall back from the social worker to arrange a meeting between themselves to discuss everything. He's never seen the social worker on his own, his ex has always been there and she gets heated when more contact or the suggestion by my dp of the girls living with us full time is mentioned as she would lose the benefit and maintenance money she gets for them.

OP posts:

JoanHickson · 21/01/2015 09:51

Does she say it's because of money or do you both guess that because you resent the money?

yellowdaisies · 21/01/2015 09:52

Would it actually be feasible for the girls to live with you - on a temporary basis for maybe a few months? ie would it pose real difficulties in terms of getting them to school, looking after them if you're working etc? Would it end up all falling on you because your DP is working? I think if you're nervous about taking that on, that's quite understandable.

But if you would genuinely like to have them with you, then why not do as suggested and accept her offer of having them informally at least for a time. Let social services know this is happening (they won't care who gets the CB, certainly not if it's possibly a temporary arrangement) Let them keep up regular contact with their mum and siblings, and in time either she will sort herself out and they can go back, or she won't and you can then apply for formal custody and CB in your DP's name.

maccie · 21/01/2015 09:54

In your position I would raise the subject of the dc living with your DH again. Accept whatever terms she imposes as it will mean that the dc will at least be getting appropriate care for the time they are with you. Sort out the financial details later once the dc are settled in, well fed, clean, and clothed properly. This needs to be the priority right now,not who is receiving the benefits/maintenance for them. Your DH should have done this at the time it was first agreed instead of focusing on the money and letting the agreement to change residency fail because of it. That left the dc in this situation for longer than necessary.

The SS will not want to remove the children other than as a last resort and that would have to be for all 7 children not just your husbands 2. They will explore all other avenues first to offer support and keep them with there mum. This does not mean you can't come to a private agreement with the mum just that SS won't be the ones pushing for it. They also will not object or try to stop it unless there are concerns over your DH's care of the dc.

It may make the care of the other children more manageable if there were only 5 rather than 7.

It should not have to be that way but this is the reality of the circumstances, and your DH needs to step up and make this happen as soon as he can.

Original poster

Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 09:54

Joan you really haven't read any of the posts properly I've made have you? The other 5 children did not see 2 dsd's in a carpeted room and in beds... I said neither of the children's rooms were carpeted and none of them had proper beds. There is no grant for a holiday, she is funding that herself. Of course a holiday would be a lovely break for her but you would think she would clothe her children appropriately first and maybe have carpeted and bought her children beds first before shelling out for a holiday!

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 21/01/2015 09:56

Has he applied to the court for custody?

WrongWayWound · 21/01/2015 09:56

well....I had a similar, mild case. We just bought the dc clothes and toothbrushes etc as an additional gift to them in sales, then we top up every now and then.

we do the same for my dc, treating them.

but their mum is otherwise good to them and they are happy/clean

getoffmybramblepatch · 21/01/2015 09:57

Have you thought that maybe the reason the kids are coming back in the same dirty clothes that don't fit is because she needed the ones you provided so badly that she was scared if she sent the girls back in them you would keep them? Have you thought that maybe she just genuinely needs the help? Because the only person I'm hearing focusing on the money is you. If she keeps the clothes she clearly needs them.

JoanHickson · 21/01/2015 09:58

Was the holiday booked before she moved home?

Hakluyt · 21/01/2015 10:00

Oh and if you see them twice a week and EOW I'm not sure how they can be filthy dirty and crawling with headlice.................the longest they could go between a bath and a nit comb is 3/4 days, surely?

Original poster

Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 10:02

Yes it would be feasible for the girls to live with us, it would be hard my dp works full time and I work 3 nights a week, we have children of our own and I'm pregnant but we would make it work for the girls sake. Dp will be putting all your suggestions to the social worker when they have a meeting and hopefully something can be worked out that will help dp's ex and the girls out more. Thanks everyone that actually gave helpful advice

OP posts:

maccie · 21/01/2015 10:02

After reading your last post OP I would suggest speaking to mum one last time and pleading to have the girls without there benefits for a few months to allow her to get herself together and then review the situation down the line.

Do this before you see SS.

CurlyRedHairNow · 21/01/2015 10:06

£300 a month for two children isn't much. So get that straight first.

However, reading the post, as she has so many children would she be prepared to discuss the children going to live with you full time? If she has 7 children maybe she would consider it.

My x pays more than that for our two children and I have about an equal amount left over to spend after bills. He would probably say that the money "isn't being spent on the children" but I have a right to some disposable income too.

Original poster

Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 10:07

Joan they haven't moved they've lived in the same home for 4 years, I guess she's never had carpet and proper beds for them or maybe she did previously but she didn't have them when SS got involved

OP posts:

Millionsmom · 21/01/2015 10:08

I can see where you're coming from Snowflake. Swanning off on a much needed holiday when basic necessities aren't even being met ought to be the last thing on her mind! She probably does need a break BUT her dc their needs addressed first and from what you say, she's failing them.

If this were me, I'd offer to take the dc for a break and let her keep the benefits. I'd take photos of their living conditions etc for evidence incase it's needed. Eventually, the benefits people will realise she's 2 children short and cut her benefits. My xbil did this a few years back, it ended up in court and the clincher was the school reports. He was given residency. His XP was more angry at losing her benefits than losing her DD.

On a side note, if she's already claimed her grants for beds etc, where did the money go?

Original poster

Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 10:11

Curly he pays much more then £300 a month.. He pays that direct in her bank account but he buys all the school uniform and other school expenses, he regularly gives her money throughout the month when she says her gas/electric meter has run out and she's skint

OP posts:

maccie · 21/01/2015 10:16

Does your DH have PR for the dc ? Really try to get mum to agree to do this voluntarily and get the dc into your care. It should be the only focus right now. Legalities and money can be addressed later.

Once you are speaking to SS independently from her you could find she is even less accommodating.

GraysAnalogy · 21/01/2015 10:16

Yet again the mum neglecting her kids is being portrayed as a victim of circumstance and given sympathy and lines trotted out like 'she's not coping :(' for fucks sake she can cope when she's planning holidays with money that can cloth and clean her children.

I would LOVE to see this thread but with the ex being a man. He would get hauled over the coals by every one and called every name under the sun.

There's only so much sympathy I can give to a woman who continued having children, can't be arsed to clean them, is happy to get rid of 2 kids but wants to do so illegally so she stil gets the income oh and then trots off on holiday.

However OP your DP needs to step up now. He needs to remove his children from this situation. I don't understand why there hasn't been a bigger reaction from him. If my child was in this situation nothing would stop me from getting them out.

CurlyRedHairNow · 21/01/2015 10:21

greys I'm a good mother (I think!) but seven children, two with special needs I would find that very hard. and depressing
I agree with yellowdaisies, I think that even if it is hard for you (like it's hard for the mother) OP and her partner should take the children informally if this has been offered. You can't really stand in judgement of her poor parenting if you are not prepared to take the children either because...... it'd be hard YES, having children is hard and having seven of them would be very very very hard! (I was going to type very seven times but you get the picture!)

Original poster

Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 10:23

Maccie I'm not sure what PR means sorry

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 10:27

Your husband needs to see a solicitor about obtaining custody.

Original poster

Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 10:27

Grays I agree he does need to step up more now and I need to support him more with doing that. I'm glad the last few posts on this thread have turned into helpful advice instead of the uncalled bashing it was previously

OP posts:

ImBatDog · 21/01/2015 10:28

document, photo, gather as much evidence as you can of their neglect.

build yourself a case for gaining custody.

agree to have them full time on her terms, then sort out the finances via court once the girls are settled and better cared for.

Some of the responses on here are shocking, honestly, not every single mum is a paragon of virtue, she sounds like a feckless waster.

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 10:28

Or take the kids, get things going and then tell the DWP and HMRC.

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