Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Maintenance not being spent on dsd's

150 replies

Snowflake19 · 20/01/2015 18:27

My dp's ex has 7 children by 4 different men, 2 are my dp's, the other fathers do not see or contribute to the other children she has. He pays £300 a month to his ex for his daughters age 6 and 5, we have them EOW and 2 nights in the week for tea, the problem that we have is they always come in the same filthy clothes, they only seem to have at most 2 outfits each and they're a size 3-4 so don't fit them, they never come in socks and have had the same shoes for months. They are also always filthy dirty, black nails and soles of feet and they regularly come crawling with headlice. His ex is on full benefits so doesn't have to pay rent or council tax, 2 of her older children have ADHD so she claims a hell of a lot of money off the government in carers allowance and disability, we just can't understand with all her combined income from benefits and maintenance why the girls are walking around in rags, are we right to question her on exactly what she spends the maintenance on as it clearly isn't being spent on the girls. Me and my dp get really upset by this.

OP posts:
Helpfulghoul · 20/01/2015 20:31

Bingo!

SoonToBeSix · 20/01/2015 20:36

Tbh I judge their dad more than their mum. The mum sounds like she really cannot cope the dad just carers about money above his dd's welfare.

Jux · 20/01/2015 21:26

Contact SS yourselves and ask if he can have custody of the girls? At least they'll talk to him about it, and he can take photos etc to document that state they are in when they arrive and so on.

getoffmybramblepatch · 20/01/2015 23:42

Erm maintenance isn't supposed to just cover food and clothes. It's also heating and lighting and water and bills.
Her gas and electricity bills are probably huge. Yes she is on benefits and has lots of kids but if it's only your maintenance that will be going towards all of the bills too.
If you are that concerned I would help out a bit. You know provide a bit of support. Whatever you think of this woman she is the mother of his children and clearly needs the help.
Why do men have children with women and then watch them struggle complaining about how the money isn't being spent adequately. Children cost a lot of money and I find your attitude completely despondent of the children's actual needs.
You're all adults. You should all be caring for them. If they are dirty, bath them and put clean clothes on them every time. Provide them clothes and send them home with them. Why should you only provide clothes just for your house if the clothes belong to dds?

getoffmybramblepatch · 20/01/2015 23:45

And the very last thing I'd be recommending is transfer of care to dad full time if he is more bothered about money than who has what.
These are children and this is their home and their family. They shouldn't be removed from that situation they should be supported and provided for by both parents, for their emotional well fare as much as anything else.

jellybeans · 20/01/2015 23:55

7 dc including some with SN sounds like very hard work. Could their be MH issues?

SusanIvanova · 21/01/2015 02:10

Sorry, but fuck her gas bills. If she can afford to go to Egypt then she can clothe her damn kids.

Get those kids out of there, they deserve better.

Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 07:11

Wow they're are some judgemental cows on here.. Most of you are just jumping to conclusions!!
We don't just sit back and watch her struggle we're not arseholes! We've helped her out above and beyond. We do bath them everytime they're here! We do change them into clean clothes! We do treat their head lice! But they come back with them cos she's not treating her other kids! We also have sent clothes and shoes back numerous times we never see them again.
Dp does attend all ss meetings, the social worker allocated to the family want the children to stay with their mother but acknowledges she needs alot of help to do this, she was given deadlines to meet to prove she could step up to caring for all her children adequately.. Clean her house up, carpet and decorate the 2 bedrooms that belong to the children and provide them all with suitable beds as some just had mattresses on the floor! The social worker helped her apply for grants to cover the costs and we bought dsd's bunk beds.. Dp was the one that actually spent 2 weekends there painting both rooms and putting all the beds ups to help her out! So to say he just sits back and watches her struggle is crap!!

OP posts:
getoffmybramblepatch · 21/01/2015 08:06

Yes there are some judgemental cows on here that's exactly what I thought when I read your op!

Dp actually spent two whole weekends up there painting?? Seriously.. He's their dad!! That is not above and beyond at all! That's what those girls deserve.. Maybe if he/you both went "above and beyond" a bit more you would realise how hard the mother has it and lay off being so judgemental.
I take it you have no children yourself?

OllyBJolly · 21/01/2015 08:07

Sorry, Snowflake, I don't agree. What you have described here is not at all "above and beyond". All these things are just normal actions a parent would take. I'd like to think a truly concerned parent would have gone much further. I couldn't bear to have my children living like this if it's as bad as you describe.

You've given more insight in your last post to just how much the poor mother is struggling. She really does need some help, not carping about £150 per month per child - that is not a lot of support.

(And I apologise for being judgemental. The conclusions I'm jumping to are based only on what you are writing, which seems very jaundiced and one-sided)

Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 08:20

Yes but he's not the other 5 children's dad! So to paint and carpet their rooms and put their beds up is going above and beyond helping his ex! Read what I put properly before jumping on! Abything he dies for his own children is a given

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 08:21

*anything he does!

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 21/01/2015 08:23

I did read it.

This is his children's home. These are his children's siblings. You might think he deserves a medal. I think you should take a step back and look at how you can support your partner's children. Part of that support will be looking at how you support their mother, not constantly run her down.

KissMyFatArse · 21/01/2015 08:29

Instead of jumping down posters throats how about you take a step back and realise that what you thought was above and beyond and fab dad actions actually isn't enough.

The general consensus here is he could do a lot, a lot! More than he does. So instead of looking at it from just your own perspective, take some advice and open your eyes to the fact that actually, a lot more could and should be done.

Take advice instead of getting defensive.

Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 08:33

No I definitely don't think he deserves a medal
She does get support but as she's not willing to help herself it's getting a little tiring!
She can't buy her children decent, clean, well fitting clothes and has to get grants off the government to carpet her kids rooms and buy them beds but she has the funds to book a holiday to egypt for 10 nights.. I think dp and I are entitled to be a bit pissed off!! No??

OP posts:
getoffmybramblepatch · 21/01/2015 08:54

I think the answer you are looking for is no.
I see you didn't answer my question about if you have children or not. But let's hope if you did? and your dh left you that you would get more support.
This is a step parenting forum board. Have a think about what that means and change your attitude. Anybody who had half of the concerns that you do would keep giving. So what if you never see the clothes again?? clearly she needs them! How is that frustrating? Providing for your child. You have a terrible attitude and by trying to deny the mother the money and the clothes (that belong to the children) the only people you are hurting are those children.

Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 09:06

Yes I do have children.
Have you read my op? The girls are coming in dirty clothes that don't fit them and only seem to have 2 sets of outfits each and one pair of shoes at her house so yes you're right clearly she does need the clothes and shoes we have sent back with the girls! So why are they still coming in the old clothes and shoes! So again, yes we would like to see the clean clothes and shoes that we've bought that actually fit the girls again.

OP posts:
redredholly · 21/01/2015 09:09

I have a slightly different viewpoint as my stepchildren's mother is very oddly neglectful of her DDs and they regularly come with holey shoes/nits etc. Also she does the same thing re. holidays (i.e. never takes her kids on one but goes on lavish ones of her own). It can be very hard to know what to do. Each time we have given more money nothing has improved and equally sending clothes/books/other items back does not work - they seem to disappear into a black hole insofar as stepkids cannot even say where they've gone. OP my DH is very generous and was a single father of the kids for several years but he too got stressed about the maintenance not out of stinginess but out of frustration he could not direct where it was spent. It's also very similar his ex is on the full whack of benefits etc. (and also works!!).

redredholly · 21/01/2015 09:11

I do not know what the solution is. I always try to look with compassion on her situation (i.e. I would find it hard to have two kids and no live-in partner) and buy them as much as possible, and also to begin to teach them to look after things when they're with us. But the relentless nits/no clean pants/no shoes gets depressing and I'm not surprised you needed to vent. It is hard to cope with emotionally. I have had to say to myself that that just is what one of their parents is like.

christinarossetti · 21/01/2015 09:23

What approaches has your dh made to SS regarding his concerns about his children's welfare?

Has he spoken to a solicitor or advice services about how to ensure that the children are being looked after properly, one option being that they live with him?

What was his reason for not having the children FT on a voluntary basis whilst applying for a court order?

TBH, from the information that you've given, both of these girls' parents sound pretty inept.

JoanHickson · 21/01/2015 09:33

Maybe a professional felt that a grant to give a struggling carer a break was going to help this family?

Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 09:34

Thanks for your input redredholly and for being understanding about why we're frustrated by the situation, maybe if some of posters were actually in our shoes they would understand why we're a little pissed off with the situation never improving even though she gets support and money!
Christina... He has spoken to ss about the girls living with us or us having more contact but the social worker allocated to the family wants the children to stay in the family home, she doesn't believe in separating the girls from their mother or siblings, the social worker believes with help from ss and other orginisations that the mother will be able to care for the children, she says removing the children would be the very last resort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 09:36

*organisations

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 09:41

Joan yes grants are there to help struggling families but I'm not sure 'struggling' means she can afford a 10 night holiday to egypt but her children were sleeping on mattresses on the floor in an uncarpeted room

OP posts:
CrispyFern · 21/01/2015 09:42

Do you live nearby? Could you have them more often? Like, 50/50?