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Original poster

Maintenance not being spent on dsd's

150 replies

Snowflake19 · 20/01/2015 18:27

My dp's ex has 7 children by 4 different men, 2 are my dp's, the other fathers do not see or contribute to the other children she has. He pays £300 a month to his ex for his daughters age 6 and 5, we have them EOW and 2 nights in the week for tea, the problem that we have is they always come in the same filthy clothes, they only seem to have at most 2 outfits each and they're a size 3-4 so don't fit them, they never come in socks and have had the same shoes for months. They are also always filthy dirty, black nails and soles of feet and they regularly come crawling with headlice. His ex is on full benefits so doesn't have to pay rent or council tax, 2 of her older children have ADHD so she claims a hell of a lot of money off the government in carers allowance and disability, we just can't understand with all her combined income from benefits and maintenance why the girls are walking around in rags, are we right to question her on exactly what she spends the maintenance on as it clearly isn't being spent on the girls. Me and my dp get really upset by this.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/01/2015 10:30

Poor you OP - sometimes you come on here, and sheer bad luck dictates a pompous, judgemental audience. It's not always like that I promise you, on another day you would get warm responses.

I agree the situation sounds very worrying, and that your dsd's mum isn't coping. I am not surprised you and your dp are angry and upset witnessing the negligence of the girls.
Your dp sounds loving and concerned, and I think he's doing much of the right stuff as well as he can.

Do you need to speak with social services again? I think so.

pictish · 21/01/2015 10:31

The ultimate aim is to gain custody of the girls.

GraysAnalogy · 21/01/2015 10:32

OP out of interest would you like the children living with you? I wasn't sure if that had been asked.

maccie · 21/01/2015 10:37

PR is Parental Responsibility. Being married to the mother or named as the father on the birth certificate would give him this.

It means he would be able to give medical consent, take them to the doctors, liaise with the schools, make decisions for the children. All this would be needed if they were to live with you.

Also, and whilst I am NOT suggesting this in any way, it means that legally he could just not return them after contact unless there is a court order that states they reside with the mother. I do not believe that this would help right now and would close down any cooperation that you have at the moment with the mum. However if things were to deteriorate further it would be a legal option.

Your best option would be a private agreement to get them with you and establish a 'status quo' where they are settled, happy and cared for.

CurlyRedHairNow · 21/01/2015 10:43

I hope it's not me being described as pompous! I am a single mother and never claimed to be a paragon but I do find two children hard. I'd find seven a lot harder and corners would be cut. I don't think it was me being described as pompous (might be being a bit paranoid there) but like I said earlier, agree with yellowdaisies, if she's agree that OP can have the children informally then jump at that. Then sort it out legally later.

GraysAnalogy · 21/01/2015 10:46

I don't think that comment was aimed at you curly

angelos02 · 21/01/2015 10:50

I don't understand why the mother is getting sympathy for having 7 children. We do have plenty of access to contraceptives in this country y'know. And 4 different fathers....yes I am judging to fuck and back.

Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 10:52

Maccie they were never married and he is only on his eldest daughters birth certificate, they split when she was pregnant his younger daughter and she refused to let him go on her birth certificate

Pictish he's arranging a meeting with the social worker between themselves today, not to go behind his ex's back but it gets very heated when she's present

Grays it would be hard the girls living with us full time I'm not gonna lie about that, we have children of our own and I'm pregnant, DP works full time and I work part time at the moment obviously I will be on maternity leave soon so I guess that would make it easier with me being home full time, we would definitely make it work.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 21/01/2015 10:53

well I do not understand either how they can be 'filthy dirty' and 'crawling with lice' if you are seeing them twice a week!!
do you not give them a bath when they are at yours?
If you are that bothered, have them to live with you.

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/01/2015 10:55

and to be honest from what you have said, I am sure the SW would back you up if that was what you wanted.

GraysAnalogy · 21/01/2015 10:56

I don't know about you but my kid can be filthy after a single day if I leave them after they've ate or been playing. It builds up quickly especially if they're young, like getting messy or are being left to their own devices a lot.

Not sure about nits though, never had to tackle that.

BlueBrightBlue · 21/01/2015 10:58

Sunny, I think they visit every other week.

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/01/2015 11:00

oh my mistake, I thought it was twice a week.
Perhaps OP and her husband could see them more often for a start.

Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 11:01

Sunny yes we do bath them when they are here, we have them EOW and on a Tuesday and Wednesday from 4-7 for tea, they are dirty when they come, we notice it more on the 6 day gap where we don't see them when it's not our weekend. Obviously they are not crawling with lice EVERYTIME we see them, apologies if I made it seem that way but they do have head lice alot and she doesn't treat it at her house

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowflake19 · 21/01/2015 11:04

They both have lovely long thick blonde hair so tackling the nits is a chore, maybe I'm not doing it thoroughly enough when I treat it and leaving eggs in Confused.. I do try though!

OP posts:
JoanHickson · 21/01/2015 11:04

I think seeing the dc twice a week, tackling lice and bathing them is a good idea.

The ss will be looking at all children and they have a bond so will want to keep all seven together.

Can you imagine on your own doing five nit treatments and then two with SN every night?

I assume there are lots of hospital and therapy appointments which are expensive, stressful and time consuming. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing drying clothes for eight on your own?

maccie · 21/01/2015 11:10

You can apply to court for PR and SS will probably help if they were living with you as you would need it.

I don't think SS would push for them to go and live with your DH, but they wouldn't prevent it unless there were concerns about your household.

SS don't look at it as 'who can care for them best ? '. They look at 'where they are now and are things so bad that we need to remove then'. If you TELL them that you are having them to live with you at least for a while they can support it but cannot suggest it.

CurlyRedHairNow · 21/01/2015 11:16

The seven kids are here now though. No point judging. Solving? If possible. The attention must be spread very thinly. One over-stretched mother and 7 children. That'd be my worry, more than the finger nails being dirty. NObody looks back on their childhood at thirty five and feels the impact of having had dirty fingernails but even decades later, not having had a normal share of attention, that would matter.

There is a good chance that if you really sensitively suggest that you could lighten her load and informally have the two girls to live with you, she might (if she doesn't feel judged and threatened) go along with it.

CurlyRedHairNow · 21/01/2015 11:18

Snowflake, in a family of seven, by the time you'd de-nitted the last child, that last child would have re-nitted the first one, ykwim? I doubt you're doing it wrong!

BlueBrightBlue · 21/01/2015 11:24

I wish people would stop jumping down Snowflake19's throat.
She and her dp clearly care about the welfare of these little girls and are doing everything they can possibly do to improve the quality of their lives.

The Mom of seven will receive a substantial amount in benefits ( 2 children have SN)
On top of that she gets £300 from exdp, which she may not have declared.
She has received furnishing grants but has not carpeted one of the bedrooms as advised by SS.
She dresses her other children in the clothes bought for the 2 girls by her ex partner and returns them in filthy rags.
She can afford a 10 days holiday in Egypt.
She fails to ensure her children are adequately dressed, bathed and free from nits.
Sure it must be tough raising seven children but that is no excuse.

BlueBrightBlue · 21/01/2015 11:26

I know quite a few families who have been on benefits all their lives and the one thing they all seem to do is push for a ADHD diagnosis.

CurlyRedHairNow · 21/01/2015 11:27

Confused Hmm

I think it's well known that a child with autism is a well-known factor in relationship breakdown, so single parent families are much more likely to have a child with autism.

JoanHickson · 21/01/2015 11:28

Not everyone claims all they are entitled to and the paperwork for DLA is about forty pages of upsetting forms. Many people don't get awards and it's shocking, appeals take a year.

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/01/2015 11:28

"filthy rags." I actually seriously doubt that. My ex used to say that about me, but he just meant when jeans get worn at the back behind the heel of the shoe. He also used exactly that phrase when a white dress my dd was wearing had a faint mark on it.
And BlueBrightBig you need to be careful saying that round here.

JoanHickson · 21/01/2015 11:30

I think those suggesting AD dx are easily got for benefits should check out the SN section.

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