Maintenance not being spent on dsd's

[Snowflake19]

My dp's ex has 7 children by 4 different men, 2 are my dp's, the other fathers do not see or contribute to the other children she has. He pays £300 a month to his ex for his daughters age 6 and 5, we have them EOW and 2 nights in the week for tea, the problem that we have is they always come in the same filthy clothes, they only seem to have at most 2 outfits each and they're a size 3-4 so don't fit them, they never come in socks and have had the same shoes for months. They are also always filthy dirty, black nails and soles of feet and they regularly come crawling with headlice. His ex is on full benefits so doesn't have to pay rent or council tax, 2 of her older children have ADHD so she claims a hell of a lot of money off the government in carers allowance and disability, we just can't understand with all her combined income from benefits and maintenance why the girls are walking around in rags, are we right to question her on exactly what she spends the maintenance on as it clearly isn't being spent on the girls. Me and my dp get really upset by this.

1. Your DH needs to agree with the mum that he takes the girls to allow her to get on too of her current issues. Accept her terms with regards to benefits for now.

1. Keep SS in the loop and ask for their help addressing PR for the youngest child as he will need this to meet her everyday needs. This can be a simple process if everyone works together.

1. Arrange access for the dc as it will be a big change for them and you want to make this as easy as possible.

1. Let things settle down and become the norm for everyone.

Everything else will sort itself out in time. Her benefits/budgeting will no longer be your concern as you will be meeting the financial responsibilities for the dc

those forms are dreadful, i'm in the middle of doing them for my eldest who has a load of ASD related SEN, they are NOT easy.. i'm likely going to have to go to someone for some help with them, they're a flipping nightmare.

The thing is, parents who's children really do have SN's are the ones who have the most difficulty in getting help both practically and financially.

There are also those for whom expecting benefits is a way a life and they know every trick in the book for claiming it.

Blue, do you have any idea about the process to get a proper diagnosis for ADHD or are you just talking out of your arse?

That's not true brightblue. Two long years of assessments. It isn't possible to fool the professionals in to believing that a bold child has ADHD. Often a child who is borderline will perform well / function better and will slip through the net without dx and without support. But if you're implying that a mother of 7 would get away with pursuing a faxe diagnosis for her bold boys I think you're mistaken.

"There are also those for whom expecting benefits is a way a life"
perhaps they do not have any options Blue.
Tell us about these people that you know that push for false ADHD diagnoses then.

It is not linked to means. They aren't a means tested allowance. So if you don't grudge that allowance to families who don't need the money, then why grudge it to families that do need it!?

Not being funny or anything but I could quite imagine having 7 kids and not working with two children with disabilities that the mother would have a fair bit of benefits coming in each month. She received grants for her home. Why weren't they spent on the home as they should have been!

Hope it goes well with the ss

It's a very good step that your dh is arranging contact with SS without the children's mother being present, as it's sounds the best way in present circumstances to facilitate a discussion that has the children's best interests at heart.

To be balanced, I think the jumping down the throat type responses were a reaction to the original OP talking about questioning the mother what she spends the maintenance on and focusing on money, not saying that OP and her DH don't care.

The information about the Egyptian holiday was supplied later.

This is a horrible situation for everyone concerned. It sounds like taking matters down the formal route will be more productive than trying to informally sort arrangements out with the mother.

Have you and your DH had a real, sit-down-and-thrash-out-the-practicalities-of-his-dd-living-with-you discussion, OP? In terms of finances, bedroom allocation, school runs, how they get on with your children, how the new baby will change things, how arrangements with his exW may pan out etc etc etc ?

If not, this most definitely needs to happen asap.

DLA is not means tested.
I very active child with a fair amount of social and emotional depravation could be considered to mimic the someone with ADHD.

Have the children got ADHd or ASD as they are very different.

I do know someone with a very sad DD who needed more attention and was not properly looked after. She got the girl diagnosed with ADSD/anxiety and the extra funding/laptop. But the problem really was not some abstract medical cause but the fact that she was not parented properly.

The type of benefits that the mother gets, is not really the OP's concern.

Even if she does not get DLA she has social workers involved(who could help to get DLA sorted out) as she is not meeting the basic needs of her children. The £300 maintenance, Child tax credits, CB, IS, HB,CTB, that she is receiving for 7 children will not be an insignificant amount of money. It is clearly enough to fund a 10 day trip to Egypt, but not enough to stop her children sleeping on mattresses on an un-carpeted floor.

OP address the issues you can help with. Provide your DH's children with a home and suitable care by agreeing to her terms.

bullshit.

you cant be diagnosed with something you dont have just because mummy doesn't wipe your arse enough.

I know middle class families, with 3-5 children, raking in the children's allowance and the DLAs but nobody grudges two parent families the allowance. it is grudged to a single parent though! unbelievable.

Professionals do not erroneously diagnose austism spectrum disorders

heh! A contentious topic indeed. Nobody really knows what autism spectrum disorders are, but I envy your belief in the medical profession.

Anyone else just feel really sorry for all 7 of the kids stuck in this shitty situation! Particularly for the other 5 who don't have a nice house to go to at the weekend or a dad and step mum that care! The poor little sausages!

The kids have ADHD don't they so why is autism being spoken about

OP, my dbro has residency (or whatever this weeks term is) and it took him a huge amount to get it. Ex was neglecting the kids and (it turns out) physically abusing them when he was away on tours with the army. The usual excuses where made for her to, oh her life is so hard etc, children are expensive but the simple fact of the matter was she was a fucked up individual and her kids are better off away from her. It has to be said that a hell of a lot of therapy has improved her somewhat and (with my brothers support) she's rebuilding the relationship with her children. And before anyone says it no I can't stand the woman. We were banned from any relationship with my lovely neices - all contact was blocked. And that's without taking into account to assaults on my bro.

Op, tell social services you are looking to have the girls with you, initially for a couple of mobths. Tell them its to gibe their mother some respite and see how it goes. After a few months investigate making it formal through the courts.

As an aside, I don't give a damn what anyone says, any mother willing to dress their kids in rags and let them sleep on the floor whilst planning a trip to Egypt is a sbit mother. Yes she may well need a break but there are cheaper options.

What a load of nonsense you type redholly. You think you are better qualified than a educational psychologist to state that a child's issue was poor parenting! In your capacity as a nosy bystander !? YOu know better than the professionals. As for 'nobody knows what autism is' , there are different theories as to what causes it but diagnoses are made on the basis of how a child presents not on theories. And the purpose of the diagnosis is to provide the right supports.

You come across as very ignorant.

It is a spectrum disorder, the diagnostic criteria would overlap

'Have the children got ADHd or ASD as they are very different.'

No, they are not in many cases and have a lot of cross-overs. My son has both.

Yeah - I think anyone could see the kid was unhappy emotionally and that was to do with her upbringing.

at imbatdog very well expressed!

emotional unhappiness doesn't cause ADHD.

my son also has both ADHD and ASD, he's also got dyspraxia and Sensory Processing Disorder.

But hey ho, guess i'm just a shite mum by redredholly's books!