DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

I haven't checked but don't think DH is/was receiving any tax credits. Sure he would have said if he had lost them! He is on 45k so not sure he is entitled.

No, he wouldn't have been.

I admit I had made assumptions and commented in this thread based on my own experience - a joint income household of over £100,000 a year isn't something we could even dream about; I'm more likely to sprout wings and fly to the moon.

I don't think I'm qualified to comment on this thread - when DH and I combined our households, the sums we did used annual numbers that were smaller than your monthly income. . The considerations and implications of combining such big budgets is a lot more complicated. Do you have an accountant you can call on?

I did not think for one minute that he would assume any kind of financial responsibility for my kids, including a duty to provide appropriate accommodation had it been needed

You may not - but the law does.

morally, all adults are responsible for the welfare of DCs who spend time in their homes.
Were you aware of the legal implications of marriage? It certainly seems to be an aspect of the decision you have both overlooked!

OP, I think the fact that you describe sharing your home as a concession you're prepared to make, rather than a commitment you want to make together with him and his children is a massive red flag.

Agree with Tribpot and Coyoacan. You want everything to stay the same, you will not concede anything as you make very clear - e.g. sharing your home is only on your terms and with your needs and wants only being considered.

I don't know why you are posting asking for advice either because you don't actually want anything in your life to change. Which is fair enough - but in that case why did you marry a man with 50/50 custody of his children if you don't want to build a family together?

I've just re-read your last thread (and I remember it at the time) - your very last post sounds so unhappy and obviously things haven't improved.

Is it too late to admit that the marriage might have been a mistake - you are obviously a strong, independent woman and you have got a really nice lifestyle for yourself and your children - why change everything when there is clearly no easy solution? .

You can carry on 'dating' this man if that is what you really want.

You sound so inflexible, I cannot imagine why you got married.

You maybe gone into it with certain unreasonable expectations, but the fact is that you haven't bothered to make sure that both of you have the same expectations of married life, and now you're realising that it probably isn't going to work.

Could have seen it coming a mile off, but you are where you are. What are you going to do now?

I love that person and wanted to build a life with him. I did not assume responsibility for his kids.

That's not how successful blended families work. It just isn't. This thread is making me extremely glad that my step-father has never treated me any different from his own children since the day he met my mother in 1978.

The list of non-negotiable things on this thread alone:

• your children sharing a room with each other or with step sibs (that's what we used to do, btw)
• him contributing to the cost of the house (you're definitely not the only one with an entrenched position here)
• getting an au pair
• working from home in any room other than a dedicated office room
• delaying living together (him again)
• performing childcare for each other

Throw in Christmas when you are understandably pissed off that you subsidised the entire event last year, and this has disaster written all over it.

I really would put this off til after Xmas - have them over as guests on the day and then let them go back to his. (Assuming they aren't with their mum anyway, if you had them last Xmas is it her turn this year?)

Yanno OP reading through the thread I think i'm totally agreeing with you tbh.

look, you're overwhelmed and you're just not ready. There isn't anything wrong with that and all the you should have done things differently won't make any difference.

Tell your dude the moving in thing just isn't happening yet and you don't know when you'll be comfortable with the idea and he just has to let you come round to your own head in your own time.

I don't buy that married life needs to share a bedroom or even a house.. I know a married couple who have separate houses and are quite happy with that. No kids though.

Tell your husband the score.. it's not fair to keep him where he is.. he has to be given the chance to make his own mind up on the whole thing and whether it's a dealbreaker or not.

I'm sorry but I don't think that's how blended families work either. You can't separate a child's money from their parent's, and when you marry someone you can't - morally or legally - separate your finances from theirs.

DH and I help out with each other's children so much in so many ways. EG in the last week I've cooked tea for DSD who found it convenient to stop over here after school when DH was still at work. I've done everyone's washing. Dh has done the weekly shop for all of us, and picked up some stocking fillers for Christmas(for my DCs as well as his) I've got up early this morning to check DSS was off OK for an exam. DH has just put some money in my bank account as for various reasons (including having just put DSD on my car insurance) I'm a bit short this month...oh and DSS had picked up my DD's bike from school where it got left when she was taken ill yesterday. I can't imagine trying to separate all that give and take into "mine" and "yours" It's all part of a busy family life.

To all the people saying getting married doesn't necessarily mean living together - what would be the reason for getting married if you want to live separately?

It's not as if it's the 1950s and people would disapprove of you having a relationship but not being married

I don't want to deny you anything, OP, I'm merely making suggestions in an attempt to help you in this situation. But if you cannot even think of conceding this along with dismissing all the other suggestions made by posters, then there isn't much point in this thread, is there? It's your way or the high way. Marriage isn't a zero sum game, you know. Parenting even less so.

To all the people saying getting married doesn't necessarily mean living together - what would be the reason for getting married if you want to live separately?

Because it is a done deal, Suburban, and getting divorced when they still want to spend time together would be an unnecessarily expense and unpleasant.

I meant generally, coyoacan

I can't begin to understand the workings of the OP's particular set-up at all!

OP I can understand your reticence, I think all your concerns are valid and based on what you've said about your feelings and the situation, I think they'll come to pass.

I would not move in. I think there are a lot of legal and practical issues you need to seriously address and may be best dealt with by living seperately.

There does seem to be a lot of practical issues not discussed. Excuse me for asking this, but I know you've said you have a prenup, but what would happen to your house if heaven forbid you died? Would it pass to your DH automatically or have you included protection to ensure it stays with your DC?

A horrible question but he does seem like a potential cocklodger and I think he might take advantage of you.

You know what, OP? There are other nice men out there, you know. You're not going to be happy living with this man. In your position I would end the relationship and look for someone else.

Last time you posted everyone told you not to marry him, but you did. Now you have, you've realised you can't live together happily. Don't get his children to leave their home with him when it clearly isn't going to last. It would be awful for them if they had to move out again.

Imperial is a wise lady.

You continually say I am not doing this and not doing that. What are you actually going to do? Nothing anybody has said here has tickled your fancy....

Hi,
I started reading this thread and wanted to give some advice based on personal experience about how it is difficult going from being a strong, independent single parent to then living with someone again. I am the main breadwinner in our blended family and dp is self-employed which means a variable income but we don't have to pay any childcare because he covers much of it with a little help from friends and family. I feel from your responses though, that you are unable to listen to anybody who doesn't support your point of view. Perhaps this is why it is so difficult for you to discuss this with dh - you don't want to listen to another point of view, he probably doesn't want to discuss it because you are unwilling to compromise.

I think your comment about it not being your responsibility to provide dss with her own room speaks volumes. When my dp moved in, it was not just his responsibility to sort his son out with a room, it was our joint responsibility to come up with a solution (my dd and ds swapped rooms, ds and dss share - all discussed with the children to involve them on the decision). Relationships are full of compromise. I have a work at home most evenings and some of the weekend and the best I've got is a corner of the living room with a couple of shelves.

You are either going to have to compromise or forgot the whole this as it not fair on your dh or his kids to feel like they are unwelcome in their own home (which would be their home also if they moved in)

MsColouring - that is a very good post. Having been on her threads for a while, I can guarantee that the OP will not take any of it on board.

No she won't, in fact I take no pleasure in anticipating a 'it's gone spectacularly wrong' thread or 'I am pregnant with twins and he won't/can't move in' thread.....

Can't believe you went ahead and got married to this guy OP!

He's massively tight. And you (rightly in my opinion) want to protect your children's assets and lifestyle.

But I really really don't think moving in together will be a good idea for so many reasons.

Ok, so, first of all, the bedrooms are really not an issue. DH hasn't made it one and neither have I. I have rethought the au-pair option, taking on board the comments here, and agree that it might not be the best time to do it so have been looking again for after-school nannies. Couldn't find anyone so started using an agency who have sent me tonight 2 fab candidates BUT if I hire either then I have to pay 12% of the annual salary, 1.2k, to the agency which I can't afford. So, tough decision. I would prefer a live out nanny but from a cost perspective it just may not be possible. If it it though, it addresses the issues of the rooms.

What I was really looking for advice on was addressing the feelings I am having about all of this and to either understand/accept them or do something about it. I think it's natural to feel worried and if everyone is saying, well just do it anyway, then fine.

Minki have you read this thread? Most people have addressed your feelings by saying "don't let them move in then".
Could you remove your minki-tinted spectacles and try reading the responses on here properly, including the ones you don't like.
You really do have a very strange knack of only seeing what you agree with.

The bedrooms do not strike you as an issue but it is your attitude towards your DHs children in respect of this that is an issue.

Plus your real concerns about him vis a vis a claim on your home when he is so tightfisted with dosh

And then the fact neither of you seem to make any effort with the other children, so that there is not even a semblance of trying to build a family.

You cannot compartmentalise real life. You cannot control life and sAy "my needs come first" when you have DC.

Neither of you are mature enough or selfless enough to make a go of this. For the sake of the kids do not move in together.

What I was really looking for, was advice on addressing the feelings I am having about all of this and to either understand/accept them or do something about it

Minki, I replied to you last week, saying that I can understand how you may feel overwhelmed and/or invaded. And if this is still how you feel, I’m hoping you may have called a halt to the proposed Christmas move-in? If your DH’s access arrangement was EOW, then I think you may have been able to work round it, but 50/50 is a big deal if you find it hard.

Please don’t live in your life in a way that makes you unhappy.