DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

Petal, that's exactly it. Overwhelmed and feeling like I have totally lost control. I feel like i barely see my own kids and am only just holding things together as it is. Feels like you are not allowed to admit this though for fear of being accused of hating DSC!

Minki, I've got a pretty full-on job, and when I get home at night I need a bit of space. I don't mind DH being around (obviously) although he's quite similar and needs a bit of space too. I'm wondering if you're like this too, which is why having 2 stepchildren around 50% of the time would be really hard for you?

Minki, for what it's worth, I think the accusations on this thread that you hate your DSC or are 'jealous' of them are totally ridiculous and SO not the issue here.

On what terms could you see you living all together, happily? Putting the finances and room issues to one side for a minute. Do you think you and your DH will be able to agree on house rules for the children re: behaviour, chores etc and work out a way to enforce them together? I think you need something like this in place in order to feel like you have some control and you are totally entitled to that. The trick is agreeing TOGETHER on fair rules that you can apply to all the children and fully expect the other adult to back you up on enforcing them. And the rules have to be reasonable, not setting ridiculously high expectations in such a way that you'll spend all your time nagging the kids and getting cross at them for not being quiet or whatever. Work out what types of less-than-perfect behaviour you can let go and live with, and what you really feel is important.

Well he might not want to pay you "rent" but that does not excuse him from paying his way in respect of the council tax gas electricity food toiletries etc.
as suggested above you need your own account from which your mortgage and any direct costs just for your children is paid like childcare for your dc and a joint account to pay household costs like shopping food bills etc. He has his own account to pay cm etc for his dc and specific costs for his DC.
You both put in a fair amount into the joint ac. Either as a % of wages or a split of your estimate of bills or whatever you both agree is fair.
You will probably end up paying more into the joint a/c if you're the bigger earner - but maybe not if you've not got much left over after mortgage and childcare.

And apart from the rules stuff, what about also trying to develop some more fun principles of family life too. Like maybe once a month you do an activity all together as a family like bowling or a visit to somewhere, a different day is safeguarded for you both just do something with your own children separately, Friday nights are movie nights with popcorn where you all take turns to choose a film for the family to watch....creating your own traditions and customs like that, and involving the children in doing it, could be fun and help you blend as a family.

My experience as a SM has shown me that if you always focus on negative points and ways you are losing out, life becomes miserable. I have massively benefited from trying to develop my relationship with DSS by doing fun things, going out of my way to do activities with him, looking for all the positives in having him around rather than the negatives of messy house, cartoons on all the time etc etc. It's a yin and yang thing.

Riverboat does make some good suggestions, but would you still find it overwhelming having them around 50%? That's the impression I'm getting, and I'm not criticising you.

No wonder you get agitated reading this thread, OP. I am almost hyperventilating!

Your mum is absolutely right. He is getting a huge upgrade and is giving absolutely nothing. He contributed nothing last Christmas and I'm sure I remember you saying that in your last thread, but it's not been dealt with.

You can't possibly go ahead with this relationship. Really, you can't. He may be lovely in many ways but he is using you and you are too close to it to see it.

Minki - I think you need to focus on the big issues and let some of the smaller issues resolve themselves. Your DH reading a bedtime story to DSS could be done downstairs or in your room/bed. It doesn't have to be in the child's bed. This is a tiny detail which is easily solvable but you are fixating on the tiny things.
As others have said, you are fixed on the idea of needing a bedroom for an office, why not build a wooden office in the garden (my BIL built one for free by using old pallets and calling in favours) or convert a garage if you have one?
Also, you still seem very divided in your vision of the future. Why wouldn't you put DSS to bed or read to him sometimes. It's all very "them" and "us" with him parenting his kids and you parenting yours. My DP takes my kids to the park, I put his dd to bed, we just naturally share stuff because we are a FAMILY not two single-parent households under one roof sharing a kitchen.

I think the biggest problem here is your rigid thinking. Be open to new ideas, be flexible.

I like what someone suggested earlier about having a 'dry run' at Christmas. Don't tell him just ask about what you are doing for food, pressies etc this year and sit back. Let the proof be in the pudding.
I do agree though that if you are working back breaking hours and using childcare to live it must be irritating that your 'husband' opts to work part time to be around. What does he do when they are at school? It just sounds at odds with your work ethic.
I know I sound like a stuck record but WHY did you marry him? I have been with my partner five years and we live in two seperate houses due to both having children that live with is full time. It works for us :)

There is nothing wrong with needing your space, not wanting to share your home, not wanting to provide for other people's children and not wanting two extra children 50% of the time. All that is completely fine.

The problem comes when you marry and plan to move in with a man who has two children.

You can't have it both ways. You can't blame his children for the fact that you can't have it both ways.

You can live together and be a family with his children or you can not move in together. You can't move in together and operate as two separate families. It doesn't work like that.

It doesn't seem that you can accept his children as your family so the only reasonable course of action is to not move in together.

I posted on your other threads and I remember being a bit when you said you actually married him.

I think your DH is seriously taking the biscuit. He is financially benefitting from the marriage while you are being disadvantaged.

I don't think you should split the bills and costs according to salaries, you should split the bills according to disposable income. It would be much fairer to you

It would be extremely unfair of you to let your DH move in if you are going to feel resentful of his kids and of him. I know you don't blame the kids and I understand that you are nice to them but It's unfair to let them move in with so many unresolved issues.

If you reread your posts it's as though you are simultaneously blaming your DH and trying to defend him. He doesn't sound very nice to me.

You really need to make some decisions and stop being so wishy washy about everything.

I Think that an au pair is not a great plan - going from 3 people to 6 is a huge difference - adding in an au pair as well (who will be there all week - even on the days it is just you and your dh and you have your kids in bed) may be the straw that breaks your very overworked camel.

Ok - could your dh pick the kids up from ASC 3 days a week after he gets home with his kids? Then perhaps nanny 2 days (if you can get one) or childminder. Or could you finish work early one day and the other day hire a local A level student to pick them up from ASC, take them home and give them tea.

Giving the sums of those a whirl......

I think you said an au pair was £100. Plus food I guess making £135 in total maybe.

3 ASC = £78. Plus 2 4 hours nanny = £158 in total.

Childminder route - 78 + 2 2 4 * 8 = 78 + £128 = £206

You finish early one day and local teenager another - 5 * 26 + 15 = £145

I guess it depends if your husband is willing to pick the kids up or not. It will mean his kids get their own rooms and you two get privacy in the evenings so sounds sensible to me. If he's not willing them he's not really putting your family first.

OPs DC have been on the waiting list for ASC since sept.

??? Confused about "increasing the financial burden because of marrying". Neither of us have increased costs due to marrying. We still live separately so are still entitled to single person discount on council tax and don't receive any other benefits that have been slashed so not sure what this means.

Different councils interpret the "single person discount" rules in different ways - there are articles elsewhere on the web about couples who have been significantly financially disadvantaged by marrying and continuing to live separately.

As for "benefits" - why wasn't your DH claiming working tax credit before you married? If his income was low, he would have been eligible - but now you will be assessed as a married couple, so he will have lost his eligibility.

I think there is WAY too much responsibility for this on YOUR shoulders. DH needs to decide what is right for HIS children - and that might mean he needs to sacrifice some of his FREE time by looking after your children. It shouldn't be up to you to 'fix' it all. What about the stepfather's responsibilities too?

Honest talk needed. Good luck.

OP, why don't you stop working from home? Just go into the office on the day you previously worked from home. That removes the need for a home office, and frees up another bedroom.

janine, that's exactly what I was going to suggest as I read through the whole thread.

Also, OP, if you were in social housing in my LA, two children of different sex would not be permitted to share once one of them reached aged 10.

And please tell us why you married him, because I am really struggling to work out how that could ever have seemed like a good idea.

Minki

I find myself really really wondering what your previous relationship was like? We're you the cooker, cleaner and carer in that one too?

Also what was his like? That's more intriguing. If his ex kicked him out because he was a freeloading lazy tosser I think you need to have a serious think about letting him into your domestic space and keep your relationship at a the distance it is just now.

Although I'd still be holding the hand out for a contribution to Christmas.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt as to whether he's worth it, tbh it doesn't sound like it by a long stretch but that's your choice.

Can't wait to hear his reaction to being asked to pay for Christmas, from all you've said if he pays up ill be buying a lottery ticket for certain!

Janine, being able to work from home one day is a massive massive plus for me and I cannot even think of conceding it. It means I can put a load of washing on, means I can pop out to the shops, or even take a late lunch and collect DSs from school which means the world to me and them. I already feel like a shit mother working full-time and palming them off to nannies and you want to deny me the one thing that makes it easier? It also means I don't need to spend £8.40 on travel, means I can be in for deliveries, save 1.5 hours to 2 hours a day not travelling. I am noticeably less stressed after a day WFH. Sorry, but I am not giving that up to give DSD a room in the house when her own parents haven't felt it appropriate to make changes in order to do so, e.g, move out of zone 1 to somewhere more affordable. Or the mother even giving her HER bedroom or sharing with DSD so that DSD has his own room.

I haven't checked but don't think DH is/was receiving any tax credits. Sure he would have said if he had lost them! He is on 45k so not sure he is entitled.

I cannot even think of conceding it

But effectively you won't concede anything, Minki. You feel entitled to your life and lifestyle exactly as it is now. Fair play to you, you've worked hard for it and you have a setup and a balance that works for you.

So why exactly did you throw in the hand grenade of marrying someone with 50:50 residence of his children?

Totally agreed tribpot here, but I also don't understand why you are asking for advice.

I will concede things, e.g. sharing my home, but I am not giving up working from home one day a week. I would sooner stop work. Maybe I should that any claims benefit. Would be a hellava a lot easier wouldn't it? I got married because I love that person and wanted to build a life with him. I did not assume responsibility for his kids. I assume various responsibilities and duties to them as a step-parent but it is NOT my responsibility to feed, cloth and house them, anymore than it is DH's responsibility to do the same for mine.

I haven't read the entire thread but I am a SM (although the stepkids are now adults - thank god) I also had my own children. The stepkids didn't live with us, but spent a lot of time at ours, and I suffered years and years of tension, frustration and sometimes anger. DP and I had horrendous rows, always about the kids, and any attempt to talk about their behaviours and how it affected me would just end in yet another arguments - and no resolution. My kids suffered too and yes the step kids did as well so there were no winners.

I honestly and truly think you should not do this - there are so many warning signs that there will be trouble ahead. I know people are talking about sitting down and agreeing ground rules etc and that might work to some extent, but what won't change is your feelings and your DH's son and the fact that the "house is not your own" - often kids like the idea of living together but the reality is usually very different. You might start to feel resentful about the DSD too especially as she gets into her teenage years.

OK maybe you shouldn't have married but you did - that doesn't mean you have to live together. Step-parenting isn't natural - animals don't do it - indeed the lion will often kill the young of the lioness with whom he wants to mate, to preserve his gene pool. I think we have lessons to learn from the "lower" form of animal life. Mind I'm not suggesting murder!!

IF you go ahead I fear you will be back with a whole host of problems that are there waiting for you - your call but I sincerely hope you don't go ahead with this arrangement, for everyone concerned.

I do not, and have never expected ANYONE to support or pay for my kids. Their dad left when they were 1 and 3. In remarrying, I did not think for one minute that he would assume any kind of financial responsibility for my kids, including a duty to provide appropriate accommodation had it been needed. If he feels strongly about DSD having her own room then it it HIS responsibility to provide it, not mine. I am giving what I can but MUST priotisise my job/ability to work which is only possible if i) we have childcare and ii) I have peace and quiet to work from home. Nether of those are negotiable.