DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

OP are you also known as Dodo76 and was this your thread back in March www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1944888-I-love-him-but-I-dont-love-his-kids?. Eerily reminiscent of current thread, except that you went and married him despite all the advice not to. My advice remains the same, if you don't like being around his kids, don't live in the same house as them – just not fair on the children.

think it's natural to feel worried and if everyone is saying, well just do it anyway, then fine
You must have read a different thread from me.

I think it's natural to feel worried - but the fact that you don't seem to see any positives to it, or feel able to work together with your DH to find solutions to all the challenges that a blended family will throw up, suggest to me that doing it anyway would be a very bad idea.

OP your latest response seems to bear no relation to the posts which have come before.

Did you post on the correct thread?

OP I know you're looking at a nanny now but if you do go down the au pair route could you set up a permanent office area in your bedroom since it's only for one day a week?

I work from home and whilst I have a separate office I generally work from the dining room table since it enables me to keep an eye on what is going on but if you need complete peace and quiet at all times this would seem to be a solution? It would be no different to working in a different bedroom.

If your current bedroom isn't big enough to accommodate this then switch the bedrooms around so that you have the largest one. Get a screen or something so that you can hide the desk out of the way when you're not using it.

Could you also switch your working from home day to a day when the DSCs are not there? Then the issue wouldn't arise to the same extent.

I don't think this is really the issue though is it? It's more about your general feelings of insecurity and inequity. I would generally say though that PPs are right. The time to worry about that has passed. You're married now. Stick it all in the "family" pot and get on with it. You'll be fine.

As I said, this is not so much about the bedroom issue but more about the feelings about it all and feeling a loss of control, loss of my kids' home etc. We are 2 days into Christmas. It's going ok but it's a huge compromise in many respects, on their side as well as mine. DSCs clearly want time with their dad and to have their dad to themselves and I hate feeling that I am intruding on that. Mine DScs are more relaxed and DH and I just parent in different ways. His kids need much more 1-1 than mine. If I am honest I don't know if I want to do it. I like my DSCs but I don't know if I want to live with them and be responsible for providing a home for them. I think it may be beyond me. EOW or a more casual arrangement is fine but it just feels so strange to be sorting out and decorating rooms in my house for children who are not my own. I know I am going to get a blasting for this but I need to be honest. I am now thinking of saying to DH that we should defer moving in until we feel more ready. The timetable slipped in any event so it's not happening this week.

Don't do it unless you're sure!

Yes you do need to say that to your DP. He may feel that he is ready, but you need both of you to be ready before you make the move. Though he may ask you whether you'll ever be ready, and I'm not sure from what you've said on here that you ever would be.

I think you're right to defer. But you need to put some serious thought into what would cause you to be ready in the future. Somehow you need to ringfence this asset that is your house - by renting it out? - and finding some neutral territory to set up a home with your DH.

Please don't take such a huge step if you're unsure. It would be very difficult to reverse such a course of action.

Oh it sounds like you are waking up to the reality of sharing your home.

Those feelings don't go away, they will always be different from your own kids and trying to agree common parenting is going to be very hard if you go for the moving in.

Really, really a chance to take it slower, spend more time with all the kids in a domestic environment, not Xmas, going for days out etc, but more mundane shopping and homework etc and see how you and DP and DSC relate and react to each other.

Sadly, love doesn't conquer all....

OP, I've read all your posts over the months, and all the advice you received (including from me, under another name).

This has nothing to do with practical arrangements, it's about your feelings. It's clear as day for me that you alone, and certainly not the two of you together, are ready to live together (after all, you can't separate either adult from their children). Your life is hard. One thing going wrong (illness, redundancy, disability, depression, whatever) would throw the whole thing out of kilter. There's not enough slack in it.

Your DH's life is tricky too; again, one thing going wrong would upset the balance.

Blending the two would be a disaster waiting to happen. It takes a certain mindset on the part of both adults, and (to a certain extent, older kids) to make blended families work. Every single one of your posts screams out that neither of you have it.

Yours is an unconventional set up. I think you should keep it that way: remain married, but live apart until something significant changes. You personally are not ready to give up what you have.

Finally, please ask your solicitor to confirm that your beneficial interest in your home will not be adversely affected by your DH's contributions to the bills/food bill, pre-nup or no pre-nup. I think you may have been spun a line/may have misunderstood.

I do feel there is a degree of MN double standards on this thread - if this had been written by a man who had married his GF and then refused to allow her and her children to move into his house as agreed - instead expecting her to remain in accomodation unsuitable for her and the DCs - he'd have been soundly, and rightful, condemned.

Surely no one expects the OPs DH to stick around as a "live out" husband (in a one bed flat with several DCs) while she decides whether she's willing to give up the single, independent lifestyle she values? A man would be told in no uncertain terms that he is being unreasonable, and emotionally manipulative, and that his DW is better off without him.

I agree that it would be catastrophic for the households to merge while the OP feels the way she does - but it's not reasonable to expect her husband to wait around until she decides if she's ready to fulfil the commitment she has made to him.
I think the honourable thing for the OP to do is end the relationship, legally separate and divorce at the earliest opportunity - with the OP covering all legal fees.

OP Your hasty decision to marry earlier this year could be very costly. You have, irrespective of any pre-nups that were signed, changed the legal status of your relationship with your DH. You are no longer two single people in a relationship, you are a married couple, with two marital homes. The law is applied on the premise that married couples cohabit, and share assets. Your DH has rights regarding your assets and property, as you do his. These rights may, or may not, be limited by a pre-nup, but in any event, the existence of such a document will require court interpretation and ruling - that's the whole point, isn't it?

Your refusal to live together as a conventional married couple gives your DH grounds for divorce. As you have more assets to protect than him, I imagine your legal fees will be far higher than his; and you may find that a court orders you to pay his costs as well.

Peruvian - I don't think it's double standards. It's just that it's the OP who's posted this thread. It's no use advising her DH not to put up with things as he's unlikely to be reading the thread.

I'm not sure why posters are suggesting the OP should end the relationship and get a divorce? She's never suggested she wants that? If her and her DH are both happy to stay living apart, then none of that would be necessary.

OP - you haven't said how your DH feels about all this, do you think he would accept continuing to live separately?

I don't think a double standard has been displayed. If you read back, the OP has been heavily criticised (a) for marrying someone she apparently doesn't want to live with and (b) for planning living arrangements which would make her step-children feel like second class citizens.

For the sake of the children, it's better they don't all move in until the OP has figured out how to blend the family successfully. An alternative is for them to live separately, with some plausible explanation to the children as to why 3 people in the family occupy a 6 bedroom house and 3 people in the family occupy a 2 bedroom flat.

It's clear from the OPs first post that her DH does not feel the same way about this:

I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully.

It wouldn't be necessary for the OP to approach it carefully, if there was never any intention or discussion of them living as a cohabiting couple. As it is, both the OPs DH, and their various DCs, are all expecting a conventional marriage - but now the OP has gone through with the legal commitment, she's got cold feet about the reality.

The OP can't expect her DH to wait around until she's ready, if she ever will be - she has already made that commitment to him, if she had no intention of honouring it, then she has deceived him. Advising her to "keep things as they are" isn't an option - the dynamics, and legal status of the relationship changed when they married.

A woman in the OPs DH position would be advised to seek legal advice, and support from woman's aid - given the relative financial security of each spouse, the continued unsuitable housing situation could be considered financially abusive - in law, married couples have a legal duty to financially support each other, and the OPs DH could seek a court order to that effect.

That's not correct peruvian - you don't have to share your finances as a married couple. The OP's DH has a job and can support himself, he's not destitute and the flat, though small, is quite capable of housing 3 people (two of whom aren't there full time anyway). There's nothing legally preventing her and her DH from remaining in separate homes for the forseeable future if that's what they decide together to do. Children can accept unconventional set-ups and don't necessarily expect to be treated identically to the children of someone their parent has married.

The problem is only if her DH believes that they will soon be living together - that that's not an unreasonable belief to have of someone you've just married! So she needs really to decide whether she does want (not just cope, but actually want) to live with her DH, whether there might be some way to make it attractive (rent both houses out, rent somewhere new together?) or whether she doesn't want a conventional marriage for many years at least - so she needs to be honest with her DH about this. It may not be the news he wants to hear, but it's not fair to imply that you'll be ready to live together soon - with all that that entails - if in reality you just don't ever want to.

From the CAB (England) website:

Each married partner has a legal duty to support the other.

If your partner won't support you and you're still living together, you can ask a court to order them to support you. Your ex-partner may have to continue to support you after your marriage has ended if you have made a legal agreement or if there is a court order.

If the OP was a man, his wife would be advised to seek legal advise and financial support. It should be no different because the OP is a woman and her husband is the lower income earner.

Thanks all. I really don't want to get into the whole "if she were a man etc " issue. I have ALWAYS supported myself and never relied on a man for anything so I refuse to accept that that stereotype has anything to do with my situation. It's certainly not one I have ever benefitted from. It's also completely outdated and irrelevant! In pretty much most couples I know the woman is the higher earner. And no normal man or woman expects to sit their arse whilst being supported by the other. I don't expect financial support for DH and don't expect to support him. The marriage was for emotional reasons only, hence the pre-nup. I am not going to give away half my house to anyone, no matter how much I love them! Not going to happen. I think most people want out of a marriage what they put in. Seems fair to me.

I think the emotional side is far more complex and I don't really understand where these strong feelings are coming from that I want my house for just me and my kids. DH is, as we speak, getting DSS's bedroom ready for him, spent last week painting it, fixing the cracks in the woodwork etc whilst my DSs' rooms are in desperate need of a lick of paint etc! Apparently DSS (9 next month) is scared of sharing a room alone and had to be persuaded that the room isn't too small for him. The room is smaller than the other rooms and fits a double bed easily and is lovely and light. It's like nothing is ever good enough for him and everyone has to pander to him and it's driving me mad! It also feels unfair as this house is my sons' only home. Their dad has a big house but has not giving them rooms each as they rarely stay over. DSC's have a home and their mum's place too. Why do I feel resentful? Is there a massive warning sign that I should get out or is it "normal" to feel this way.

I accept that it is a problem and unfair to DH that I have not told him about my doubts. I have tried to broach it but he got very upset so I want to be really sure about what I want and what I can put up with before I raise it again. It would be very reasonable of him to say he wants out if we do not live together. From what he said before, I think he would accept/agree to delay things a few months, if I gave a good reason, but no longer than that. Thing is that all the children are looking forward to it (DSS with a few reservations, I think) so it's not that we would need to slow things down for them, it would really be just for me.

Peruvian lover, I don't think that is the case and cannot see any court ever making an order to that effect given that he and his kids have lived in that flat for years before meeting me! It cannot suddenly become abusive once we get married! And is his, and his ex's, choice to live in the most expensive area in the country. He could move to where I live and get a 2 or 3 bed, then they would all have enough room! Abusive, my arse!

Tribpot, a very plausible explanation would be the the one bedroom flat that DH and his kids live in is right next to their school, whereas my house is a 45 minute commute on the underground each morning. That in itself is probably the main reason we haven't even tried to move in until now as the commute itself is going to be a massive issue. They will need to commute home 3 night and week and to school 2 mornings a week, probably leaving around 7.15am. Their dad will take them but it going to be a big big hassle and tiring for them. DH seems ok to do it. Really don't know if I would agree to do the same.

HesNotaMesiah, we have spent loads of time together with all the kids in a domestic setting but things are not getting easier. Same old niggles and I feel annoyed all the time! Not sure if more time is the answer unless it is enough time for all the children to grow up a bit. DSS is very clingy and it feels like he wants his dad just for himself. He is literally glued to his side the whole time he is here. My kids are not like that - they are off playing, having fun, doing their own thing etc, and it just seems strange to me that a 9 year old is so clingy. I think if he was more independent and things were more relaxed then perhaps it would be easier but for the moment he is not ready.

BrockauLit. DH is not currently contributing to anything. IF he does move in then he would contribute towards food and bills and I think can do that safely without getting an interest. It's only if he starts paying towards the mortgage that we run that risk, in which case the pre-nup should apply to state that he gets a share commensurate with what he puts in.

Hey, really, I know that you are desperate to make it work but the fact that your H is not even prepared to discuss the situation rings huge alarm bells.

You are not ready to move together, he is not contributing his share just taking advantage of yours. It is natural that you are worried, it seems from the outside a very unbalanced agreement where he expects you to make a lot of adaptations but not doing the same himself). He may be lovely and you may be in a privileged position but he still seems to fit the cocklodger description perfectly.

A pre nuptial won't protect you (they are not really taken seriously by courts in this country), and I can guarantee that this resentment you are already feeling can only grow bigger until you want to kick the three out of your home.

Because that is the problem here, neither of you have moved yet from the "me/mine" frame of mind to the "us/ours".