DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

Sounds like a good compromise Cinnabar though I wouldn't ask him to pay anything until he sells his place. Love the phrase "cocklodger".

I wish I could claim credit for it, but I can't!

In all seriousness, he shouldn't sell his flat yet. It gives both of you a fallback if things don't work out.

He should rent it out (surely not difficult in Zone 1). And then he should split the excess of his rental income over his mortgage between you so you each benefit.

As an aside - what is he planning to do with the capital if and when he does sell it? Because if he's planning to reinvest it in property then he absolutely should pay you rent, just as he would if he were living anywhere else.

How does a grown adult get away with not putting their hand in their pocket over christmas? Not just anyone but your partner.i can't begin to imagine how someone can keep a straight face while evading paying their way. Where's his self respect?

Cinnabar, renting it out would be an ideal solution but he can't as it's one of those home-ownership schemes which don't allow you to rent. When he sells he should have some capital (50k) which he will either invest in the house (and have an interest commensurate with that) OR invest in a separate property in which case he would not pay towards the mortgage firstly because he doesn't want to and secondly as this could mean he has an interest. Bit of a weird situation.

OP I would be tempted to get some more legal advice if I was you.

I would have have separate bank accounts, you pay for the mortgage from your income, he pays maintenance from his, and all bills for the house split in accordance with your salary (i.e. each put, say 40% of salary into the pot to pay household bills.) include things you agree comes out of the household expenses. This might include some DC activities etc. Whatever works for you. See if you can tweak that so you end up with roughly a similar (in amount or % terms) disposable income, and agree what is funded separately from that.

If you and your DH can work out the bedrooms and the DC are happy then great, but I would be aware that there will come a time in the not too distant future when this might need to change.

If your DH has any issue with any kind of sensible and equitable division of the expenses then I too would call cocklodger.

While you are at it you might also want to have a discussion about wifework (organising the DC, buying party presents, general administration etc) cleaning, cooking, etc and how that will be divided.

I would urge you in the strongest possible terms to agree all of this - and FWIW you might want to record it in writing so you agree on the house rules and there is no ambiguity after the event - BEFORE you even begin to consider him moving in.

Totally agree with a PP's suggestion to have a trial of it all at xmas.

So he does want to have his cake and eat it. TBH, he sounds as determined to maintain 2 households as you do. And nothing wrong with that if you are indeed 2 households. But it can't possible work as 1.

And, now I look, the only reason you've given to move in together is because that's what married people do.

I don't think that's enough.

Is he pressuring you to let him move in?&'yo

No idea what happened to the end of that post! Should have ended at the "?"

It's not about making sacrifices to give your DSC a better life, it's about all the children having equal status and equal entitlement to consideration in this household and this blended family that you chose to create. They cannot be asked to take on board the fact it is their home in one way but not really as their dad doesn't own it so they have to be grateful for whatever they get.

I almost think the room issue is a bit of a red herring except it reveals a way of thinking that goes way beyond who has what bedroom.

Your DH does sound like he's taking the piss financially - not offering any contribution for Xmas last year is really telling.

I guess this attitude of his is what has driven you to the ultraprotective stance of looking put for you and yours to the extent of not wanting to give an inch when the 'others' move in as it seems like being taken advantage of. It is understandable to feel like that with regards to your DH, but you just can't extend that way of thinking to the children. It's not as if they have been conspiring with their dad for him to marry you so they get to live in a nice house.

It all comes back to WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM?! every time.

I guess I think that I am compromising by agreeing to live together at all when, as we've seen from above, it means a lot of risk and potential costs.

How have the first 3/4 months of marriage been for you?

Minki, would it be the end of the world if you continued to live separately?

Well if your DSD is happy to share with younger brother for now, you could go with that for starters, but on the understanding that in a year or two you will either get rid of the au pair or put two of the boys in together so that she can have her own room. Maybe by that time she's old enough to make her own way home from school, so your DH will be home earlier and the nanny can work shorter hours..... there are all sorts of ways you can juggle things, I think if you talk to each other

If her dad's OK about her sharing for now, and she is too, I can't see it being unworkable for a year or so. (My DD(11) and DS(14) share at their dad's - though it's a 2 bed flat where ex's younger DS(nearly 3) is still in with his parents, so although it's crammed nobody thinks they're being treated unfairly) ie I don't think an 11 year old girl sharing a bedroom with a boy is an unworkable - it's more the issue that you can't argue that DSD deserves less space in the home she shares with you and DH on the grounds that her parents have provided less space for her. A pre-nup is supposed to safeguard your assets if you split up. It's not supposed to spell out a one-sided division of property whilst you're married. What happens in DSD's mum's house (ie she shares with her DB) is another matter and not something that's your responsibility. ie you and DH need to work as a team to run your own joint household, treating everyone fairly whilst they're living there.

Best room-sharing might be DSS sharing with your elder DS, as then they'd only be sharing half the week and your DS would still have a room to himself the rest of the week. I can see it seems inefficient to have your two DSs sharing - especially if they're not used to it - for the half of the week that the DSC aren't there. But I still think a live in au pair is a huge intrusion into any family's life and the last thing you need when trying to work out a new family's dynamics. I'd do whatever you can to avoid that. You could - for instance - work out what the interest you pay on your mortgage is and ask DH to pay half of that - so you're still the one paying off the capital but he's contributing towards the cost of living somewhere rent-free. Is he not paying a mortgage at present? If so, he'd be saving some money when he moves in wouldn't he?

It's dead easy. You and Dh have the large attic room and create an office space in part of that.
TBH I think that whatever is suggested on here, you will come up with a reason why it won't work. Starting from such a negative viewpoint means things are doomed to fail...

It's been suggested up-thread that all this may be perceived differently if it were a low paid woman moving in with a highly paid man; however women tend to bring lots of other things to the party, irrespective of their earnings. The arrival of a woman can often transform a household, but men tend not to have that effect .......

Loads of people rent out their shared ownership flats even though they aren't supposed to. Renting it out for 6 months is low risk.

I guess I think that I am compromising by agreeing to live together at all

Errr ... you married him.

I agree, you are better off living separately than trying to make this work in the current circumstances. I think you (understandably) think your mum is right and you've been burnt before.

However I suspect that Minki (quite understandably) is worried about feeling invaded 50% of the time, due to her step children arriving. And no amount of spare bedrooms and/or pots of cash will change that. It's not easy having other people's children around you, and if it's really not your bag, then having to spend half your life feeling tense and "FFS get outta ma kitchen (!)" type feelings, then I think they should stay living apart. Although I'm not sure how DH would react to that?

The first few months of marriage have been good but then nothing has changed as we don't live together. It wouldn't be the end of the world for me if we didn't live together immediately but long term I am not sure it would work. It could work to have DSS sharing with my youngest, who has a bigger room, especially as he (DS) is desperate for bunk beds! I think DP wants them either to have their own rooms or a dedicated room though. DSS is also 4 (DSS is 9) and so goes to bed earlier than DSS so it may not work as DP needs the light to read to DSS etc, would wake DS up.

I think your last post holds the solution Minki! Just stay living apart til the children are independent, and then share your lives together after that - you'd be very unlucky if all 4 of them opted to stay living at home into their 20s!

That's is petal, exactly it. None of this is going to come down to bedrooms, it's going to come down to that feeling of being separate families under one roof and that is what scares me.

Petal, I entirely expect that they will ALL still be living here well into their 20s given that housing and university costs are what they are, and given that the mother is renting and not from the UK. This is just the beginning. They could also decide in the next few years that they want to live with their dad full time.

It's just so hard though; yes of course you have to accept someone else's children if you happen to be married to them, but that doesn't make the whole thing any easier! I used to feel invaded by one stepchild EOW, I honestly don't think I could have coped with 2 of them 50% of the time, I would have needed somewhere to escape, I would have been totally overwhelmed. And having a household that has 4 children in it, even if 2 are only there half the time, is a pretty big deal.

Keep your independence (and your sanity)!

I remember your last thread and thought he sounded like a cocklodger in waiting. He still does. Why does he get to just work part time and not pay any rent? He could up his hours to increase his income. Let him use childcare for his kids if he thinks it's ok for yours.

Could he pay for a garden/wooden building for you when he sells his flat?

This could be your new (lockable) office, nice and peaceful away from the kids and practical too. It could have a section for him and he might be keener to pay for it if he gets something he wants too.