DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

OP, I'm glad you are feeling a bit more relaxed. Xmas is often a bit of a tense time.

Have you had any more thought about Councilling? I think it would be a terrible idea for him to move in while you still have so many very legitimate doubts. I don't think that means you have to back out completely though. At the very least I think you should give yourselves more time. You are making a huge decision that will effect the whole family and not just yourself so it would be very unwise to let him move in when there are so many issues especially considering that you and him have difficulty discussing them.

His line of telling you to 'accept him how he is' suits him but it doesn't exactly suit you .

How did the finances go over xmas? Did he contribute more for his kids?

I'd wait at least another 6 months and see how things are going.

I've finally read the whole thread and it seems to me that the loving family setup you crave can only happen if you have a true blended family where you both share responsibility and care fir all the kids - someone earlier posted about this set up with all the family pitching in to do things for each other - and that needs to be the best way.with a lot of give and take on both sides (nit just yours)

I don't know if that can really work if you are keeping finances seperately - and definitely can't work if you are feeling taken advantage of.

You really need to delay moving in together until this gets resolved - it would be awful for his kids to have to move out again.
If he is really pushing to move in even after the rows (and unresolved issues?) then he's probably not considering the best for everyone (inc his kids)

I really feel for you as it seems an impossible situation to have got into. Will he agree to give it another 6 months to work out the arrangements?

Good luck!

I've been living with my DH and his dd for a few months now.

It is really hard. I wish I could go back to living separately a lot of the time. And now his dd has said she wants to live with us FT and it's horrendous. I feel like i am sinking into depression.

It's hard realising that the dream of the "family" is just a dream. There's a lot to mourn for.

I don't know how to resolve the issues either. :(

His line of telling you to 'accept him how he is' suits him but it doesn't exactly suit you

It's not an unreasonable request to make of your spouse though, is it? How often do we read on MN advise to women with DCs saying "walk away" if their DP/BF won't accept their DCs.

Unlike most posters on this thread, I feel increasingly sorry for the OPs DH. She should have thought all this through before marrying (actually, her previous posts indicate that she did think it through, and went ahead despite her reservations).
Now, he's being expected (by the OP and posters on this thread) to hang around and wait to see if the OP is willing to fulfil the commitment she has made, fielding the (quite reasonable) questions of family, friends and most importantly, his children, who were also led to believe they would be living as a family.
It was mentioned further upthread, but the legalities of this arrangement are questionable - not all Councils view couples living separately-together in the same way, so the OP and her DH could be (inadvertently) committing fraud by claiming single persons council tax allowance, for instance. The time that the OP and her DH have spent together as a couple in her home only complicates the issue further. That's not a great way to start married life, is it?

He may, or may not be a cocklodger - I suspect that the same expectations from a woman would be viewed as perfectly reasonable - but regardless of his motives, the OP owes her DH and the DCs involved the courtesy of fulfilling her marriage "vows", or ending the marriage to absolve herself of those.

His line of telling you to 'accept him how he is' suits him but it doesn't exactly suit you

Oh, apologies. I made that quote and it's incorrect and NOT actually what the OP said. sorry

I can see where you are coming from PeruvianLover with feeling sorry for the OPs DH. I feel sorry for him and the OP. I do think the OP is dithering and being unrealistic in wanting something that isn't going to happen. The OPs DH does sound grabby though and I suspect that has lost him a lot of sympathy with posters. plus the fact that he was unfaithful to his last wife

I want a proper partnership with someone where we love and respect and look after each other and our kids, but I can't ever have that, unless i get back with my ex.

It's very sad that you believe that. And it doesn't reflect the reality of the blended family I grew up in, nor the ones may posters on this thread have. wohmum is right - you can have this but you must be prepared to truly blend the family. For him to look after your kids and for you to look after his, and treat them all equally.

In your heart you know you can't do this, though. Whether because you are still mourning the end of your previous marriage, whether because you simply don't trust the motives of this DH, whether because you simply don't have it in you to compromise - that's for you to decide.

You are stuck in limbo and have been for nearly six months already. As 102030 asks, how was Christmas financially?

A week ago your DH agreed to counselling but now seems to have decided he wants to just press ahead. It doesn't feel like you ever get to a point where you mutually agree on a plan of action and move forward. I think you would be much happier actually not married to this man but involved with him as non-cohabiting lovers, separate from both your families. Which presumably at one time you were? What moved things forward from that stage?

Forgive me, I have only got through half of the thread so far. I had followed some of your previous threads, and there does appear to be a massive disparity in earnings / assets etc.

So if I have this right, you have a 6 bed house, 1 bed you need as an office, another you need for an AP. That leaves 3 beds for you and your 2 DC, with one left over.

Did I read that you could get £700 - £800 per month renting the extra bedroom out?

Why move in together at all? DH could stay with you Sat - Tues (and potentially make a contribution to bills for that period, given he will be staying with you, and not spending at his own place).

He could then have his DC at his flat Wed - Fri, or whatever the actual days are.

The rental you make on renting your extra bedroom will more than make up for the extra childcare costs.

There are no issues about bedrooms, differing parenting styles etc.

I was also wondering if it would be feasible for him to live with you part time when he doesn't by have his children? May be coming together slowly as a blended family for weekends, holidays, days out as you all grow more familiar with each other. Perhaps plan to review the situation 6/12 months from now?

whether because you are still mourning the end of your previous marriage, - whether because you simply don't trust the motives of this DH,

• whether because you simply don't have it in you to compromise.

^^ This

I suspect your reluctance is a mixture of all 3 - plus the challenges of raising children who are not biologically your own. Add to this the difference in views for finances and parenting. No wonder why you feel confused (I think PMS gets worse when we're under stress and acts as a warning that something isn't right in our lives)

I think you have to work on each area of doubt separately - perhaps counselling on your own until you feel happier.

Your gut instinct is telling you to hold off and I fear that if the children moved in you would feel unable to reverse the situation.

Perhaps you need a conversation with your DH that says "I love you but I am struggling to make the blended family work, I need time to process this"

I think you sound extremely resentful that he, and his Ex wife work part time, for much less money than you and yet his children (and he) get to reap the benefits of your labours. That's it in a nutshell. Your refer you YOUR house, YOUR income YOUR YOUR YOUR and I think this is desperate attempt to keep some part of what you have worked very hard for. I don't think there is anything wrong with this per se - but Its hardly a recipe for a happy family is it. As I - and many others - pointed out to you on the last thread

Trouble is you should have SO sorted this out before you got married because a marriage with this degree of resentment and frustration at the beginning has not a cats chance in hell. Add to that step children / exes, financial worries and different parenting styles and you might as well call the lawyers nw

So why on earth did you do this? You KNOW that being married does not make problems go away? You know that even with the best intentions things don't always work out; you sound like stability is important to you so why on earth waste your time with a relationship which even you must see is doomed to failure

get some counseling - quickly is my advice

I skimmed the whole thread, mostly just reading your messages, OP. You said DH could afford a two or three bed in your area. Maybe that is what he should do. He could buy a three bedroom flat, room for his DD and his DS to have their own bedrooms. He could pay for their own groceries and all the other bills. When you all go out to eat, each pay for your food and that of your children. No splitting of bills. Same with holidays, let him pay their way.

Thanks again all. Jennifer, think you hit the nail on the head. If that is what I/we wanted, then I would be doing everything to make it happen, yet I am shying away. Unbelievably, I still don't know if I want to live all of us together. I'm afraid of losing the life I have with my boys and risking everything financially. I do feel resentful that I will be shouldering the financial burden and basically working full time to provide a nice house for DH and DSCs to live in. I worry that I will be taken advantage of and that I won't be able to relax in my own home. It doesn't bode well that DH is here 5 nights and very rarely, if ever, buys food and has certainly never contributed to bills etc, perhaps because he still has his own place. I just don't see that changing overnight. I also don't know what we will do financially. The advice I had from my lawyer was to keep everything separate and not let DH pay towards mortgage. This means I would be left paying the entire mortgage myself although I could ask him to pay half of the bills which is around £400 so that should help. Is it unfair of me to say he cannot contribute to the mortgage? Obviously if he does he will get an interest in the property. Just seems a bit unfair given that he won've have made any capital contribution into the house, or elsewhere!

Hansie, he would need to do one of the home ownership schemes, as he has now, to get a 2 or 3 bed flat anywhere near here. I think he would be looking in the range of 200k which is unlikely to even get you a 1 bed. A garage perhaps!

You still don't know if you want to live together? It is so so obvious that you DO NOT want to live with him and his children and all the reasons you have for that are reasonable and valid..what are you waiting for? Is anything likely to change soon? Why can't you communicate with him about not contributing for the 5 days a week. To be honest even without his kids living there that will cause resentment over time.
Sorry minki but I think this marriage is a non starter and I think deep down you know that. Cut your losses

How much do you think I should be pushing him to contribute to the 5 nights he is there? Just rankles that he never brings home a pint of milk or a bottle of wine. He will occasionally buy a few things but I would say less than once a month. Just makes me feel that I have to support him, almost like I need to pay for the time he spends here. Also, last year when we went on holiday with my kids (his kids were away with his ex) he literally didn't pay for a thing. Not a single thing. I can understand that I would pay for most things as it was for my kids but he could/should have paid for his meals etc, surely?

Wow, you paid for everything... That's a major imbalance and not tolerable.I'm shocked that anyone could act like that, he must have a massive sense of entitlement or thinks you have to pay for his company. No wonder why you have reservations.I'm stunned that he could leech off you.

WHY DONT YOU ASK HIM TO PAY!!! I can't understand how an intelligent woman with presumably a good job can be so blasé and backward with saying things that so obviously need saying....to your HUSBAND! What on earth do you talk about? Why have you never asked him or discussed it with him. You should ask yourself a) why can't you ask him and b) why has he never offered to pay! Both questions lead to a VERY unhealthy relationship.

What pirate saud

How much do you think I should be pushing him to contribute to the 5 nights he is there?

Why not approach it in the same way as you did your pre-nup? I can't imagine that was an easy or comfortable conversation - yet you managed it. It must have been excruciating for both of you; having to discuss the content and arrange for one or other solicitor to draw up the document, him have it independently scrutinised and then arrange for it to be signed by you both.

In comparison, initiating a conversation about contributing to the grocery bill seems fairly non-contentious.

Just so I am really clear, should be paying for foods/bills if he is living at mine 5 days a week, even though he still runs his own place, and should he pay for stuff when we are on holiday with my kids?

minki You and your DH share a marital home 5/7 days a week. He spends time in a second home the other two days a week.

Who owns those homes, and what the division of assets would be if you divorced, would be determined by a judge if you could not agree.

By marrying him, you blurred the boundaries - it is no longer your home; it is, legally, the home you share with your DH.

There is a legal expectation that you will financially support each other. How you arrange that is between yourselves. If you cannot agree, the marriage is over.

Peruvian, actually it wasn't. I felt very comfortable asking him to sign a document saying that I keep everything I have accrued at the date of marriage rather than give him half.

Peruvian, your comments are not accurate and not helpful. We have been over this. I own this house - my name only on the deeds and on the mortgage, and a pre-nup. He could try to argue he has some claim on it but he would lose, especially given that he has never lived here or paid a penny towards it, or to me for any other costs, or contributed to the household in any other way.

There was no expectation when I married him that he would financially support me. None at all. As I have said before, your vision of marriage is based in the 1950s. Not everyone marries for financial reasons.