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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Its all over, I am no longer a stepmum.

115 replies

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 07:36

The title says it really, dp and I are over, there is no way to fix it, we both know it.

The surprising thing is I always thought that if we split up it would be over my relationship with dsd but it isn't, apparently she is really upset infloods of tears because "We have been getting on really well lately".

I am going to miss them much more than I thought I would.

Can I still talk to you lot? But then again I don't know if it will be too painful for a while.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

anniemac · 05/10/2006 11:00

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 11:02

I don't know how I am going to manage financially, I only work part-time and I wouldn't be entitled to a top-up from the job-centre. I've asked them and they say I will actually be £5 worse of than if I was on the dole, but I can't give up my job because they will not give me any money for 6 weeks.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 11:06

That is £5 per week, I won't be able to eat, oh well, at least I'll lose weight (every cloud has a silver linning and all that).

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 11:10

Where is alligator? I need to ask her advice about the computer.

I am hoping that I haven't lost all of the stuff on the hard drive, all of Lea's pictures, holiday pics and all of my documents.

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yeahinaminute · 05/10/2006 11:11

Oh Squirrel what an awful situation - Just repeating what the others have said really - Maybe your Dp does need to see the doc - don't mean to pry but - did he give up work for a reason? - ie start on his own or was that an "out of the blue" decision which may tie in with his out of character behaviour - without being alarmist he may be having a breakdown or something - however that is no excuse to do what he did .... Really thinking of you and your family (extended and otherwise too)at this time xx

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 11:17

Thank you yeahinaminute, Dp gave up his job because he though that his boss was taking the P and like I say we have been suffering a lot of 'other' troubles lately.

I still can't get my head around it all, dp always seemed the most 'together' and stable person I know (I guess that is what attracted me to him). Maybe he does need to see a dr...

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 11:23

Ive got to go and pack the kids things now, crikey this is going to be hard.

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NotActuallyAMum · 05/10/2006 11:28

Could you get a second job somewhere?

When I see our IT man I'll ask him about your files/pictures

Really wish I could do more to help you, feel so sad for you

And you are not stupid Squirrel, this is not your fault, no way could you have seen this coming

anniemac · 05/10/2006 11:30

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 11:42

anniemac, if I were to get a lodger he or she would probably turn out to be a homicidal axe murderer!!!!!!

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anniemac · 05/10/2006 11:48

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NotActuallyAMum · 05/10/2006 12:03

When will your ds be home from work Squirrel? Have you heard from him? Hope he's OK. Well, not OK but ykwim. What about your dd, have you thought any more about telling her?

Do make sure you have something to eat and drink won't you, please try to look after yourself

anorak · 05/10/2006 12:11

OMG squirrel I am so sorry for what happened to you!

I am suspicious of people who seem too balanced and together. It usually means they have a strong coping mechanism of some kind. It may be burying themself in work, detaching themself from emotions, immersing themself in the internet, whatever, but in they long term there is a limit to how long it will work for.

If stresses pile on sometimes the coping methods wear thin and start to break and the person trying to cope can become depressed or even have a breakdown. This is very frightening and confusing to a person who's always been a good coper. However, good copers are the only people who ever become depressed, and the better they cope, the harder they fall.

The first thing I thought of when I read your post about what had happened is that there was something on your computer that your DH didn't want anyone to see. A secret life on the internet is a common escape mechanism to counter great stress.

I do think your DH is having a breakdown and needs help. I am not saying you should take him back, only you know the answer to that. But I am sure he needs help.

One more thing - well done on having the courage to get into the fight to protect your son. Many would just have stood by.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 12:18

I don't think I will tell dd what happened, she wouldn't cope.

I will tell her that we have split up but not why.

Can't face food, can't afford food.

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TenaLady · 05/10/2006 12:19

Squirrel, sorry havent had time to read all thread, but have you rung the school to fill them in. If bruises etc are notice by the school they may get SS involved, i read a thread quite recently when a child went into school and they noticed bruises, they got ss in straight away and he was taken to hospital for check ups it was just awful. I wish I could find that thread.

anorak · 05/10/2006 12:22

Tenalady squirrel's son is 21!

TenaLady · 05/10/2006 12:23

aha, I missed that bit, I thought she said that he went off to school with a black eye blah blah.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 12:26

anorak, I know what is on the computer dp never uses it, he has to ask my help if he does he is completely computer phobic.

I am beginning to think that maybe you are right about him needing help. I thought that he was stressed a month or so ago about the test results when he had to have a scan to see if he had a growth, but the results came back clear, I know he has been stressed about his job. Maybe he was 'squashing it all down' until ds got the resulting enevitable explosion? Still doesn't excuse it though.

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TenaLady · 05/10/2006 12:27

Ah well, only he can complain then! All bad stuff though Squirrel.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 12:29

TenaLady, if ds had been a child I would have called the police no question, but he is 21 and I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

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edam · 05/10/2006 12:30

Do tell him, if you speak to him again, to go to his doctor and explain what happened. Some medical problems can present as someone acting completely out of character. Don't want to panic you, probably isn't that, but worth him getting it checked out.

throckenholt · 05/10/2006 12:33

can you meet up with dp on neutral ground and go over what happened ? I am not saying that you should forgive and forget - just try and work out what went wrong - since you say it is so out of character. To end a 6 year realtionship like that is such a shock - a bit of understanding might help everyone.

And maybe DP and DS need to get together on neutral ground and at the very least DP can apologise. It must have really shaken up your DS - to be attacked by someone he knew and trusted. He could probably benefit from discussing it with a neutral person.

And someone has to try and talk to the younger kids as well - it must have been very shocking and frightening for them too.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 12:43

I am very worried about the younger kids, they have never seen their father act that way either. It must have been very frightening for them to witness it, then to be effectively thrown out of my house I feel so bad about that but I didn't have any other choice my loyalty had to lie with my injured son.

I am concerned about what their mother will say also, as a mum myself I don't know that I would want my kids to go for the weekend with somebody who has just acted like this.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 12:46

edam, I will txt dp and suggest it but I fear it will fall on deaf ears, but, i suppose, if it has shaken him as much as it has shaken me it might have shocked him enough to do something about it.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 13:01

edam, he has just agreed to see the dr, he says he is "sick to the bottom of his stomach that it happened, he can hardly believe it was him that did it."

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