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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Its all over, I am no longer a stepmum.

115 replies

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 07:36

The title says it really, dp and I are over, there is no way to fix it, we both know it.

The surprising thing is I always thought that if we split up it would be over my relationship with dsd but it isn't, apparently she is really upset infloods of tears because "We have been getting on really well lately".

I am going to miss them much more than I thought I would.

Can I still talk to you lot? But then again I don't know if it will be too painful for a while.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotActuallyAMum · 06/10/2006 08:25

Morning Squirrel

Glad you're feeling a bit better today

I think right now it's far too soon for either you or your ds to make a decision on what you want or don't want, everything's still raw in both your minds

Have you spoken to your dd? Hope she's OK

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 06/10/2006 08:30

DD is ok thank you Naam, I won't tell her what happened, I phoned her back and told her I couldn't have the kids because I didn't feel very well.

I hate not telling her the truth but she will not be able to cope with it. Yes, I know she is an adult but she is still trying to cope with the last lot of bad news, I can't give her more.

OP posts:

alligator · 06/10/2006 08:42

Hi squirrel you sound a little bit better today. Glad you managed to get some sleep. Hope you have eaten something too. Actually come to think of it I should too really. Why not nip over here and share some of my museli

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 06/10/2006 08:59

Thanks alligator Yum

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 06/10/2006 09:14

Squirrel is he still coming round today to pick some things up? Have you spoken to him at all?

Hello alligator

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 06/10/2006 09:19

I haven't spoken to him, have been speaking through txt. He is picking up some of his stuff today.

OP posts:

eemie · 06/10/2006 09:28

How old are the younger stepchildren? I wouldn't leave it to them to tell their Mum - after what they have witnessed it wouldn't be surprising if they were afraid to say anything that might antagonise him.

I would definitely tell the police/social services, not on your son's behalf but on behalf of your partner's children.

Agree with advice to photograph your son's injuries. It is always amazing how violent incidents can be minimised, even trivialised, once the marks have faded.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 07/10/2006 06:50

Well, he came and collected some of his stuff yesterday. He didn't speak only to ask how ds was. It was wierd, he was so withdrawn.

I txted him after he had gone to ask why he didn't speak, he replied "Because I am so ashamed, shocked, embarrased and scared that I could do something like that".

Surely if it was in character (although I had never seen any sort of aggression from him in the past) he would be trying to 'butter me up' and 'get back' with me?

Him and the word 'abuser' don't go together, he may be a little stuborn at times but an 'abuser'? No, they are at completely opposite ends of the scale.

The more I think about it, I think there must be something medically wrong for him to have done something like this.

Ds asked me again to "please consider having him back, as far as he is concerned dp is like a Dad to him, he doesn't understand why it happened. In his opinion he thinks that there may be something wrong with dp for him to have done it and he forgives him, he is positive that it won't happen again". I said "but your face, what about what he did to you?" He said that "it hurts a bit for now but it will heal, he is more concerned about his 'dad' and not having him here will affect us all more long term than what he did to his face".

My son is so wise beyond his years, his reaction has really suprised me...

So what do I do? I don't know, think about it some more I guess.......

OP posts:

LadyTophamHatt · 07/10/2006 07:19

morning squirrel, I've benn following your thread but unable to post anything useful so I'm not too hopeful that this post with be any use either....

If I was in your shoes, and I was ABSOLUTLEY 1000% positive its something other than "normal" violence I would tell DP that you will help him through the coming weeks, help him find answer for why this happened. Tell him that once you've both found the answer you will all sit down, DS included and talk about the possibility of being family again. But it will only happen if all 3 of you agree that it should happen.

I think it's a very BIG thing that DS is so positive about it but IMO it's up to all 3 to make the descison.
I hope you find the answer....

Sobernow · 07/10/2006 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arfishymeau · 07/10/2006 07:46

Hi Squirel. I'm sorry that you and your DS have had such a nasty shock with DP. By the sounds of it he is also terribly shocked by his behaviour.

I think that your son's willingness to carry on with your DP as 'dad' is very significant. You want to cut DP out of your life for your son's sake, but your son doesn't want to lose DP, so it's not quite as simple as just leaving him I don't think (for your son).

Without knowing the full facts, I would probably be inclined to take things one step at a time with DP, whilst insisting he get some medical care - specifically because you are so adamant that this is utterly out of character. I would expect him to still live away but try to compromise with with DS's wishes to keep his 'dad' against your fear that something similar might happen again. Then depending on the outcome of his diagnosis/treatment start to involve him in my life more fully (or not as the case might be).

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 07/10/2006 08:05

Thank you for the last three posts, its pretty much what I have decided, (I think, see I'm still confused).

I think that dp and I need to talk things through, I also think that dp needs to talk to ds and make things right with him for both their sakes.

I think dp needs some time to come to terms with what he has done (in a strange way I think it has affected him more than us, yes, I know it sounds odd). Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for dp, he needs to feel it, he needs to know that what he did was wrong iykwim.

arfishymeau, I agree, dp moving back in would not be an option for now, its going to take some time to find out why it happened and to make sure it doesn't happen again.

OP posts:

arfishymeau · 07/10/2006 10:49

Hi Squirrel. It sounds like you've come up with the best way of dealing with this for everybody, without a knee-jerk - "that's it!" - which I think would be wrong for your DS.

I think it's amazing that you've been able to be so rational about this considering the shock it must have been. I doubt I would have been able look beyond the actual incident myself and would probably be at the horses head stage myself right now .

I really hope this works out for you all.

edam · 07/10/2006 11:20

Hi squirrel. Glad this thread has been some help. And hope dp does see a doctor.

Lucifermum · 13/10/2006 20:15

Oh Squirrell . Sorry I've not been around for this. How are you doing? I don't really know what advice to give you but I'll send a cyber {{{hug}}}.

(PS it's me, Surfermum)

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