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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Its all over, I am no longer a stepmum.

115 replies

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 07:36

The title says it really, dp and I are over, there is no way to fix it, we both know it.

The surprising thing is I always thought that if we split up it would be over my relationship with dsd but it isn't, apparently she is really upset infloods of tears because "We have been getting on really well lately".

I am going to miss them much more than I thought I would.

Can I still talk to you lot? But then again I don't know if it will be too painful for a while.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 09:15

Thank you Naam, but I can't leave ds or dd, it a really kind offer though.

I was hoping you would come on, I can't email you or anything because the computer is stuffed, tried to get intouch with FANC via msn to tell you about my computer but she isn't online.

I need to ask ds if he minds me putting my email account on the lap-top before I do it.

I've been awake all night trying to make sence of it all but I just can't. Its all so unbelievable!

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 09:16

My poor ds's face this morning, I don't know what he is going to tell work.

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NotActuallyAMum · 05/10/2006 09:28

Well if I was you I'd advise your ds to tell the truth, I really would. Don't think there's any other way

Do you know where your exP is now? Presumably he'll need to come and collect his things, is there someone who can be there with you when he does? If not I'd suggest you contact the police, under the circumstances they should be happy to attend

I can understand you not wanting to leave your children atm of course. But if you need a break in a few months time the offer will still be there

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 09:34

I don't think I'd need the police, he is not a violent man usually.

He has txt me to tell me he can't understand why it happened either and he will regret it forever (don't worry I will not get back with him). I know he will regret it, he has lost the best thing that ever hapened to him.

I am packing his stuff now, I will make sure that ds is out when he comes round for it. Dp didn't hit me, he just pushed me but ds thought he was going to.

Dp is usually so laid back about things, like I say I have never seen him lose his temper (until last night).

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 09:39

I've been in a very violent relationship before and this is very different somehow.

Ds was very shocked that dp could do something like this, it is so out of character. I think ds is more upset about that than the state of his face.

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SomeonesSon · 05/10/2006 09:48

I hope that your own son calls the police. That is ABH not a tap on the back of the legs FFS. My mum constantly hooked up with nomarks who turned violent 'but it was soooo unlike them'.

I wished that I had known that I could go to the police myself. I understand that your partner is probably not like my mums partners but it made me feel very worthless to be picked on and hit. Your son saying 'sorry' really took me back. You should make sure that your son knows that he can go to the police, that he has been assaulted and that the man who ferociously attacked him should pay a price for even a 'one-off' attack. That is your job as a mum.

Xales · 05/10/2006 09:53

Hi there, not sure if I have posted on any of your threads before (I have had a name change was previously Kathlean).

Firstly sorry for what you are going through you must be really confused and upset.

Has your son seen a Dr? If he was knocked out/has a broken nose he really should get checked just to make sure he is OK.

Hopefully this was just a one off and will never be repeated. However can I suggest that you take photos of your DS just in case.

If DP does turn nasty having proof will help if you do need to take any action at a later date.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:04

SomeonesSon, I am very sorry for you, I was myself in the same position as you as a child but this is different.

I had been a single mum for 13 years because I didn't want the same thing for my kids and when I met dp he was different, it took a very long time before I could trust him enough to let him anywhere near my kids.

He is usually 'the salt of the earth' type, who wouldn't dream of hitting a woman or child, he is a fantastic father, this is so out of character its like hearing Mickey Mouse had joined the Hells Angels, and was riding around on a Harley Davison, with an axe strapped to his back whilst snorting cocaine!!!!!

Having said that there are no excuses for what he did and I don't think I can ever look at him in the same way again.

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NotActuallyAMum · 05/10/2006 10:04

Has he said when he's fetching his things? Does he realise it's over and you mean it?

Sorry for all the questions...

Try to stay strong, you can do this xx

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:05

Ds said sorry for calling dp a twat not for causing the fight.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:10

Yes Naam he knows, I knew as it was happening.

I actually believe that dp is in shock and disbelief that he could have done it too.

Its all so senseless, how can a few seconds change your life so much. A few seconds, thats all it was.....

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SSSandy · 05/10/2006 10:15

Once it's sunk in that you have left him really and truly and will not be coming back, you could discover a lot of sides to this man that you have not seen before. I don't want to alarm you but I think you should seriously accompany ds to a doctor so it's on paper and then to the police station. If a complete stranger had done that to your boy, would he get off scot-free?

Why should you leave Mumsnet because of this? Once a mum, always a mum, surely? How long were you living with this man? Are you married? Surely you (and the step dc) have a right to continue seeing each other? I'm not sure that the birth parents can simply forbid it, if you or the dc challenged that.

You may well find that the bm changes toward you now that you have left her ex.

NotActuallyAMum · 05/10/2006 10:19

It isn't the length of time that matters though, it's what happens, but I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. And I know what you mean of course

I'm sure he is in shock but as you've already said, nothing can excuse what he did

Are you on your own atm?

NotActuallyAMum · 05/10/2006 10:23

SSSandy makes some good points Squirrel

And of course you're not leaving us step-parents - we simply won't let you

SomeonesSon · 05/10/2006 10:24

Why are you saying 'this is different'?

Your son has been choked and thumped by an adult. That is ABH. You need to let your son know that you will help him/support him if he wants to press charges.

If a random person on the street did this to your son, what would your reaction be?

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:24

Yes Naam I am on my own, dd keeps on phoning me, I can't face her atm (she doesn't know what has happened, she probably wants me to look after the kids).

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:28

SomeonesSon, it is up to my son though, I asked him last night if he wanted to call the police and he said no (DS is 21 btw).

I will ask him again when he comes home from work, but it is his decision.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:30

I can't make ds go to the dr either, he is an adult.

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NotActuallyAMum · 05/10/2006 10:31

Is there someone you can call to come round? I hate to think of you being all on your own, wish I lived closer to you

I know it must be hard for you to talk about it but your dd needs to know, she'll be angry if she hears about it from someone else. Are you sure she's not ringing you because she has heard? Could your ds have told her?

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:39

No, ds wouldn't tell her Naam, she is so fragile that he wouldn't want to upset her. There has been so much other crap that has been going on over the past few months (not related to dp and I) that it could just push her over the edge.

There is no-one Naam, its because of the other crap (that I can't talk about on here) that I am totally issolated atm.

Shit! I think this might push me over the edge let alone dd.

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edam · 05/10/2006 10:45

Squirrel, if dp has been suffering fron memory loss, it could just be stress and everyday stuff. But memory loss + acting out of character like this could, very rarely, be caused by a medical condition. If he contacts you again, I'd suggest very strongly he sees a doctor. Remote possibility this could be a serious medical problem. Don't want to worry you, 99 times out of 100 it won't be, but worth him getting it checked out just to be on the safe side.

SSSandy · 05/10/2006 10:45

squirrel, I don't think it really IS possible to do something that is out of character, you know. If it is truly out of character, you don't do it. I think it is a part of his character you hadn't seen before.

No, don't let this push you over the edge. I know it is really really hard and it's easy for someone (like me) whose feelings are not involved to think it's a clear case of steering clear of this man. It's always difficult to stop loving someone and it does take time. I can imagine you feel very hurt and a bit at sea.

It sounds like you have had a difficult time altogether with dsd and then something else with dd. You don't want to discuss it, so I won't go there but maybe you want to talk about how you feel.

NotActuallyAMum · 05/10/2006 10:46

Squirrel you're stronger than that. You can do this, not just for you but for your children and grandchildren too

I know your e-mail isn't working atm but when you get it back I'd be more than happy to swap phone numbers with you if you want to talk properly. Wish I could do more to help you, I really do

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:56

I just feel so stupid that the people I choose to trust always let me down in the worst posible way.

I am such an untrusting person I had very few close friends and those that I had had to prove to me that they could be trusted over a very long time and I still get it wrong!!!!!

I must be so stupid! Why am I always so surprised when it happens?

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 05/10/2006 10:57

I really thought that dp was good one, yes, he was a bit stubborn at times but I totaly believed that he was a good man.

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