please please help really scared

[scarlettandrhett]

DH and I have our own DS and DH has a DD my DSD.

Getting contact was horrendous as ex stopped all contact when she found out about me. I was not the OW. I met DH long after they split up, they were not married.
During the court hearing and out of the blue, she phones me and wants a agreement over contact that we can put before the judge. The suggestion she gave was what DH had wanted. The judge stamped the order.
My gut was telling me that as long as DH played by her rules, all would be ok but if he stepped out of line, all hell would break loose.

Contact was great for the next 3 years. We got DSD more than the court order stated. I became ex "new best friend" and DH and I played her game.

Last month, DH made a geniune mistake over drop off and she went nuts, calling DH every name under the son. DH had had enough and told her so. Yes, contact was stopped, all attempts at communication were stopped.

About 3 hours ago, she came to our door and said she wanted to sort it out. Like a fool, I let her in.
I cannot believe what happened next and even as I write this I feel that I will wake up from a dream.

She proceded to tell us if we take her back to court, she will say DH was abusing DSD. She said that even though it is not true the fallout will affect our own DS. She said she will go to SS with these claims and will say she has real fears for my DS as well. She will go to the police and ensure our DS is removed from our home until an investigation is completed. She said she will tell SS that was why she stopped contact. She is a teacher and knows what do. I thought DH was going to go for her. She was calm, not shouting, screaming, just very calm and smiled through it all.

I cannot believe this is happening, I cannot even find the words to describe it. After she said this, it is all a haze, she walked out our home them. What do we do? What happens. I am really scared now.

I have changed my name

Sorry, rather late to this thread, but just wanted to say this:

She is not building bridges at all, she is trying to rewrite history. She is attempting damage limitation. For herself. She is calling it a 'misunderstanding'. It was no such thing! And everyone, including her, knows that. Olive branch, my arse!

When she came round with her nasty little plan, she thought she had got you good and proper. The last thing she was expecting was that you would all (families too) club together and call her on it and get the police around to her!

Oh and cheers! Well done for standing up to a vindictive bully!

Hindsight is wonderful. But hey, you are dealing with it all now, so don't beat yourselves up, you did what you thought was best at the time. At least you are seeing through her manipulation now, she's a crafty cow.

DSD is 12, she would get a lot of say about what she wanted to happen if it went to court again and she can ring you & her Dad etc now, so take some heart from that.

Be a little careful though, don't back yourself into a corner. Whilst I understand how you are feeling right now, saying things like...

I refuse to ever be in that woman's presence again

Isn't going to help you or DSD. You clearly care about her & your DH/DS and there are going to be times in your DSD's life where she wants ALL of her family to be there. You don't have to talk to the stupid woman but don't back yourself and your DS into a corner about not attending anything if she is going to be there.

Also, have a think about if you really want to ask DSD about Christmas - it's hard on kids being 'in the middle' and wanting to keep everyone happy, sometimes it's just kinder on them to tell them what's happening?! Surely you must have enough of an idea if she would like to spend Christmas with you all or not?

It's really hard to find that balance isn't it?

You don't want them to be forced to be where they don't want to be but you also don't want to force them to make difficult decisions.

An added complication for the OP's DSD could be that she will be subject to emotional blackmail by her mother to say she want's to be with her.

If she does express a preference to be with the OP and her father, it would probably be kinder to tell the ex that it is the father's wish without letting on that he gave his DD a choice.

It is in the court order. This is there to protect dsd from having to make these decisions and to give her quality time and meaningful memories with both parents. You should explain to her what is happening at Christmas, make it exciting for her and follow the order to the letter. Good luck.

It is in the court order.

This is great if both parents are willing to follow it but, in this case, the court order hasn't been followed for some time and the father has to make changes to an existing arrangement. This puts a different light on it as the child may or may not be happy with that change and, at 12 YO she is old enough to participate in that decision if she would like to.

hope it went ok tonight

Hope handover went well and you have a lovely weekend

This is never going to end.

DH advised the police that he was going to pick up his daughter and reminded them of the incident last Saturday night. The police said they would take note of his concerns.

So DH went, armed with his dictaphone and DD came out, as asked in DH email to the ex. The ex remained in the house.

Just before DH and DSD got home, she asks her dad why he got her mum arrested????

DH told her that was not something he was prepared to discuss with her but no, he did not get the ex arrested. DSD then wants to know what happpened and why. Again DH explained that it was not up for discussion.

When they got home, DSD comes up to me and says she knows her dad got her mum arrested and she wants to know why. She also says that she knows that I am not talking to her mother and her mother is really upset about it as she thought I was her friend.

Turns out that a girl who goes to school with DSD and lives only a couple of doors away asked DSD why the police were at her house. DSD was not in when the police had come round and did not know as the ex had not told her until this girl asked DSD what had happened. DSD then asked her mother who has told her (according to DSD) that she had come round to our house last Saturday and her and DH got into an arguement, she left and next thing she knew the police were at her door to arrest her for not letting SDS come to our house .

DH stated that it was not the time to discuss it when DS was at home but DS is out at football training tomorrow morning so we will all have a chat about what happened but DH parents would come round as well as they were there just after the ex left our house.

So now what. What do we tell her? Do we tell her what happened and destroy her faith in her mother or do we make something up and leave DH as the "baddie"

How much further can this go. I have a feeling the ex only allowed this visit to go ahead so DSD could quiz us on what is happening. Why did DSD not call us and ask? Why wait until her dad has picked her up.

DH's and I are at a total loss on what to do

YES call the police and log it. My ex told me he would do the same and I called them. They put me in touch with social services who told me many of their investigations are instigated by vindictives exes. She guessed 40per cent.

I'd tell her the truth within reason - something along the lines of her mum was making up lies & threatening you guys so you went to the police for advice as you were worried that it would mean you wouldn't see DSD again. Good luck.

Sorry...

I would strongly suggest that you avoid getting into a big conversation with her about this.

I think you should say something very basic like:
There was an incident that made us quite worried so we needed to speak to the police so that they could investigate. I would then say that it is an issue that only concerns adults and that its not appropriate or fair to involve her.

Remind us, how old is she?

I would just say

"Sometimes when mums and dads aren't living together any more, it's hard for them to let their children go to the other one's house because they miss them and this makes them forget how important it is for children to spend time with both of their parents.

Last week your mum said some things she shouldn't have said. The police agreed that she shouldn't have said those things and went round to remind her that it's important that you see both of your parents as much as the judge decided.

Nobody was arrested. They just had a chat and hopefully your mum won't say those things again."

DSD will be 13 next month and is quite mature for her age.

Despite all her mother has done to us, I cannot tell DSD what happened.

DH agrees but feels we need to tell her the partial truth as what when DSD goes home and the ex questions her about what we told her happened.

What if the ex tells her we are lying?

Both kids and DH are in bed. I am sitting here in a total quantry.

The angry part of me wants to tell DSD but the mother part of me says no, she is still a child and despite what the ex has done, she is still DSD mother

Had a rethink and it would be better to finish with

"Nobody was going to be arrested. They just had a chat and it's all sorted out now so there's nothing for you to worry about."

Goldmandra and Maryz - thank you, that is a really good idea as by doing that we can explain about the court order as well

I think what I'd say to her is this; your mum came round, there was an argument and lots of things were said. We wanted to know where things stood legally, so we rang the police for advice, they came to us for a chat, then they chatted to your mum so they could see both sides of the argument - like if you and another kid at school were having a row, the teacher would talk to you both. No-one got arrested but we may have to get these arguments sorted out by proper legal people. Because when divorced parents can't agree, that's the proper process.

So things are not being hidden from your dsd, but you aren't putting the blame on anyone even though the mother is clearly a piece of work. Good luck.

Don't lie to her whatever you do. That's just letting her down badly and giving her mum the advantage back.

You'll have to tell her the truth, but you don't have to go into minute detail:

"Your mum came round and made up some bad things about us, and said she would report us for these things, which would mean that ds would be taken away from us all. So we had to tell the police, in case she did what she said she would do. They went round to have a chat with her. They didn't arrest her and were never going to do that, but they did have to tell her how serious the things she threatened to do were.

"We were very very upset by what she said, and Scarlett is still too upset to see your mum; that may stay the same for a long time. There is nothing for you to worry about though; except for Scarlett's upset about possibly losing ds, it is all over. We would like to see more of you though, so were wondering how you felt about coming here for Xmas?"

The truth in the simplest form possible.

Your mum told us she thought we weren't looking after our kids well enough and that she would report us. We thought it would be a good idea to check what the police thought. They wanted to ask your mum what she thought. We've all agreed not to talk to each other about it any more and that you can come and see us as normal.

I wouldn't bluff or tell her half truths. I would simply tell her the truth.

She is going to hear stuff from other people and she's going to get her mothers warped version of it. I think it's best she gets the truth from you - always.

I also think that when a child asks something, especially when it concerns them, saying that it's 'not up for discussion' is really disprespectful and not very nice. If you DH keeps saying things like that, she will stop talking to him. It's also a bit daft because it just makes him look guilty.

Don't lie to her, she needs to be able to trust you to be honest with her.

If she wants you to expand on it, then just tell her more about the court order and why courts say it's important for children to see plenty of both of their parents.

Don't get into details about what was said. That's between the adults. Steer the conversation round to future plans to spend special occasions together.

My rule of thumb is usually to answer just the questions that children specifically ask and don't volunteer more information. On this occasion I think that still applies with the exception of the things her mum said. She doesn't need to know about that. If she pushes, I would just say that we all say things we regret sometimes and it's better if everyone forgets about that and just concentrates on doing what the judge said they should.

Chipping - DH did tell her that we all would discuss it in the morning after DS has gone to his football training.

DSD originally asked him in the car and asked him why he got her mum arrested. He told her he did not get ex arrested and it was not up for discussion but when they got home and she asked me, both DH and I said we would discuss it in the morning, which is what we intend to do.

Its is what we tell her and how we tell her in the most child friendly way as possible this is worrying me.