please please help really scared

[scarlettandrhett]

DH and I have our own DS and DH has a DD my DSD.

Getting contact was horrendous as ex stopped all contact when she found out about me. I was not the OW. I met DH long after they split up, they were not married.
During the court hearing and out of the blue, she phones me and wants a agreement over contact that we can put before the judge. The suggestion she gave was what DH had wanted. The judge stamped the order.
My gut was telling me that as long as DH played by her rules, all would be ok but if he stepped out of line, all hell would break loose.

Contact was great for the next 3 years. We got DSD more than the court order stated. I became ex "new best friend" and DH and I played her game.

Last month, DH made a geniune mistake over drop off and she went nuts, calling DH every name under the son. DH had had enough and told her so. Yes, contact was stopped, all attempts at communication were stopped.

About 3 hours ago, she came to our door and said she wanted to sort it out. Like a fool, I let her in.
I cannot believe what happened next and even as I write this I feel that I will wake up from a dream.

She proceded to tell us if we take her back to court, she will say DH was abusing DSD. She said that even though it is not true the fallout will affect our own DS. She said she will go to SS with these claims and will say she has real fears for my DS as well. She will go to the police and ensure our DS is removed from our home until an investigation is completed. She said she will tell SS that was why she stopped contact. She is a teacher and knows what do. I thought DH was going to go for her. She was calm, not shouting, screaming, just very calm and smiled through it all.

I cannot believe this is happening, I cannot even find the words to describe it. After she said this, it is all a haze, she walked out our home them. What do we do? What happens. I am really scared now.

I have changed my name

perfect.

love the fact that she'll have to cancel her birthday dinner plans.

is spending her birthday with you what dd wants to do though?

I agree that this woman needed putting in her place, but I worry that DD may become a pawn if not careful.

Op I'm really pleased this has been resolved (sort of)
I have a couple of questions about things people have said on this thread, apols if I am derailing but I find them quite concerning.

One person who said shed sat in on a safeguarding interview said they don't ask questions that [the parents] have told them not to.
Surely that cannot be the case??

And the op said that the police say the ex would need to have prof beyond doubt to back up her claim. Again - surely that isn't the case otherwise many children are being failed?

I realise I'm quibbling about details here but to me they seem important!!

One person who said shed sat in on a safeguarding interview said they don't ask questions that [the parents] have told them not to.
Surely that cannot be the case??

It would be the case during initial contact with a family. They can't just waltz in and strike conversations about abuse with children. If a picture of abuse emerged this could clearly change later in the process, keeping the welfare of the child of paramount importance, but their role at the beginning would just be to get a general picture of the child's family life.

The police advised us that they had told her that she needed proof beyond doubt if she wanted to proceed with her allegations.

I think they were just "warning" her because she denied saying it and it was clear to the police how distraught DP and I were over her threats. I don't think the police believed her denial and it was their way of saying we dont believe you.

Just my thoughts. I think the police realised it would be a malicious and untrue allegation

Thank you for explaining. That sounds better. And I suppose if the parents ask for questions not to be asked then that would be taken into account too, may be valid but may also not.

M sure they did Scarlett. Just seems a bit of an odd thing for the police to say - surely if we have good reason to believe a child is at risk of abuse we should report. It's not up to us, public, to gain proof beyond doubt.
Anyway I realise it doesn't apply here but just raising it as something that concerned me.

Goodness me, this whole thread has left me cold, the poor poster who had something similar happen to her I hope harmony is restored in your life.

You sound a lovely stepmother Scarlett x

Scarlett, is there any way your DH could record his picking up of DSD. I have a feeling that the ex may try and make up further claims about how she is treated at pick up times. If he can't record it would a friend or family member be willing to accompany him?

DH is going to record it. He bought an old dictaphone years ago. I have advised him to do it on his mobile phone as the date/time can be recorded. I have also suggested that he start the recording just before he drives up to the house and for a couple of minutes after he leaves so the ex cannot say he did not record the whole interaction.

I cannot believe we need to stoop to that level, to actually record a conversation but given the stunt she pulled, I dont think we have been left with any option.

Another thought I have just had is to notify the police that DH is going to pick up DSD, and what time he is going and to remind them of what happened on Sat night. You never know, they might accompany him

You can buy in car CCTV, i have no idea how it works but i was wondering if you knew. I highly doubt she will do something this week, i think she will wait a few weeks until she tries something but i would always have recorded evidence so she cannot allege something.

She has dug herself a nice hole, hasn't she, and now she's backtracking and trying to cover her arse, as she knows she went too far. The result of her behaviour is not an even more compliant ex who will put up with even more rubbish from her, but an angry ex who has shown he is not going to placate or appease her any more. She's still trying to pretend that her version of Saturday is the true one, it's the one she would like to be true because her nasty little plan didn't work, so she has to backpedal like mad. And it's not working.

Yes, I'd record everything. I would also check that dd is ok, as I fear she may cop the fallout of the madwoman's ire now that your dh is no longer playing ball.

Good luck on Friday, and happy birthday to dsd

I have a male friend who went through this sort of thing with his ex wife. I don't understand the desire to separate your children from their parent just because your relationship has ended. It's nasty. It's arrogant and utterly selfish because it is not in the best interests of the child.

Im so glad that you have understanding police and solicitor on your side and I'm really glad you logged this. She is a bully and bullies rely on victims saying nothing. It's utterly chilling to think she is a teacher, in care of children, respected and could make similar threats to parents of children in her care if she was riled enough.

I think that's an amazing response from your dh, she clearly had no intention of letting you have birthdays and Christmas, her attitude is simply unbelievable!

Thinking of you all, I've witnessed first hand parental alienation by a mother she has completely f*cked up her kids, I think this sort of behaviour is very sadly more common than people realise.

I think she's going to get very angry very soon. This has back fired on her enormously and her trying to smooth it over isn't working.

I agree with mumsrush - she was way out of order, but she does seem to be trying to make build some bridges back up now, so you might want to try to accept her olive branch at some point.

RPs do sadly hold a lot of the power in many ways and can so easily obstruct contact, whatever the court order says. Especially if the children are influence-able. So your DH might be best to try to put it behind him in how he deals with her from now on and to try not to inflame things any more.

I really don't think she's tring to build bridges, purpleroses. I think that's what she wants people to think.

As soon as she realised she'd gone too far, she started trying to pretend it didn't happen. Someone who wanted to smooth htings over would apologise, acknowledge their appalling behaviour, be remorseful. Is she doing that,mdo you think, purple? It really doesn't look like that to me.

She is following the classic script of abusers. This is absolutely the behaviour of a control freak who has lost it.

And yes, I think she could get very nasty soon. Watch your back, Scarlett, and keep all and any communications. Record everything, even if it's only a diary entry.

I really don't think she's tring to build bridges

I agree. This is more about her trying to reinstate the previous status quo in which she called the shots because she now realises she isn't going to get anything better.

Be careful. Think any responses to her through carefully beforehand. Make sure that you are blameless in every interaction with her and your DSD and record everything.

Well, bridges on her terms I guess.

But I just think it could be very easy for it all to escalate and end very badly, with no winners, least of all DSD Yes, tread carefully.

I understand it could appear that she is trying to extend a olive branch but I don't think so. She refers to Saturday night as a misunderstanding. If she has been angry, screaming and yelling at DH then said that, I would have been a bit more "understanding" but she was'nt.

When I opened the door to her and invited her in, she was very calm. Her actions had been thought through and she knew exactly what she was doing.
Her parting shot that evening was "think about the consequences"

Not once as she acknowledged, apologised or made any excuses for her behaviour.

DH and DSD have a very good relationship and I get on very well and we even have "girlie" days out. I think she is at the age now where she will vote with her feet. She has a very close bond with DS. He is the only other sibling she has. She has no cousins on her mothers side, no aunts or uncles and her other grandparents live over 150 miles away..

I believe that sadly we will end up going back to court over b'days and Xmas, special holidays etc. Personally I think it does need to go back as we have been living within her constraints for the last 3/4 years, scared to say no or pull her up on her behaviour for fear of what she might do.

On Saturday night, I was physically sick. I was shaking, crying and had lost all sense of reason. Sunday was a daze. DH went from disbielf, to worry, to anger to worry again. He spend Sunday rehashing time spend with DSD and worried did he hug her too hard, is she too old to kiss, did he make some comments that he should'nt of. It was horrendous.

In a way, we allowed it to happen. We never stood up to her or demanded bdays etc. the fact that DH was getting more contact than was ordered lulled us in a false sense of security. In hindsight, we should have challenged her behaviour prevousily and done something about it then. Letting her away with it for so long encouraged her to think she held all the cards and if she said jump we would say how high. But as they say, hindsight is a wonderful then. I think if we give up on DSD b'day then despite the police being round her speaking to her, she has got away with it

She's building up evidence herself Scarlett in the form of reasonable emails, in case it goes back to court. She's bright enough to realize that there is no actual evidence for what she said to you. I wouldn't underestimate her, be careful in your responses and refuse to meet her alone.

I agree that you need to stand your ground on your DSD's birthday so that her right to spend special occasions with her father is clearly established. After that you need to ask her well in advance if she is in agreement with your plans before insisting that she spends those occasions with you. You need to do everything you can to ensure that she can make a choice if she wants to.

haven't read everything but agree with record everything, even if just in a diary but preferably in an email (so things are dated) and in conversations with friends. Also agree to try to have someone other than just you and DH with you at all times when in contact with her (drop offs, etc)

DH plans to talk to DSD this weekend on what she wants to do with us on her b'day. She has complained before about what she does with her mum, usually goes to pizzahut.
We will also talk to her about Xmas and see what she wants.

I agree that the ex is trying to build up evidence in the form of "reasonable emails", however I think the response from DH and the one from myself would leave a court in no doubt as to why we responded in the way we did.

DH hit reply to email when he received hers so there is a timeline recorded.

No matter what the outcome, I refuse to ever be in that woman's presence again.

I didn't mean I think she's trying to build bridges, I think when she realises she can't "make it go away" she'll go nuts. I think you a your DP are putting precautions into place is a good thing