please please help really scared

[scarlettandrhett]

DH and I have our own DS and DH has a DD my DSD.

Getting contact was horrendous as ex stopped all contact when she found out about me. I was not the OW. I met DH long after they split up, they were not married.
During the court hearing and out of the blue, she phones me and wants a agreement over contact that we can put before the judge. The suggestion she gave was what DH had wanted. The judge stamped the order.
My gut was telling me that as long as DH played by her rules, all would be ok but if he stepped out of line, all hell would break loose.

Contact was great for the next 3 years. We got DSD more than the court order stated. I became ex "new best friend" and DH and I played her game.

Last month, DH made a geniune mistake over drop off and she went nuts, calling DH every name under the son. DH had had enough and told her so. Yes, contact was stopped, all attempts at communication were stopped.

About 3 hours ago, she came to our door and said she wanted to sort it out. Like a fool, I let her in.
I cannot believe what happened next and even as I write this I feel that I will wake up from a dream.

She proceded to tell us if we take her back to court, she will say DH was abusing DSD. She said that even though it is not true the fallout will affect our own DS. She said she will go to SS with these claims and will say she has real fears for my DS as well. She will go to the police and ensure our DS is removed from our home until an investigation is completed. She said she will tell SS that was why she stopped contact. She is a teacher and knows what do. I thought DH was going to go for her. She was calm, not shouting, screaming, just very calm and smiled through it all.

I cannot believe this is happening, I cannot even find the words to describe it. After she said this, it is all a haze, she walked out our home them. What do we do? What happens. I am really scared now.

I have changed my name

OP, in some ways, it's a good thing that your DSD is expressing her negative feelings about her Mum so openly.

Your DSC subconsciously believes that even though she is choosing to reject her mum right now, her mum will still love her. That is very, very important.

What it means is that she has not been subject to an abusive environment in which she has been convinced that her mums love for her is dependent on her own behaviour and choices. Many DCs with implacably hostile parents are scared of losing the approval/love of the hostile parent - your DSD does not appear to be suffering this.
Of course, if her mum turns her back on her now, then she (your DSD) may still choose to win back her mums approval by rejecting you and her Dad, but the fact that she's still with you now is a very positive sign.

Good luck at family court tomorrow; despite our experiences, it's always difficult to predict what will happen and the reasons for it.

i think it is very good you are not slagging off her mum. she will remember that in the future.

You've done what you can. Well done for suggesting that her mother may have reasons for her behaviour to dsd. I think that this is where you now simply support your dsd, as you are doing, and leave her to worry about her mother's possible motives if she wants to.

You have dealt with this all incredibly well, and have set a superb example of how mature adults deal with adversity and crises.

You owe nothing more to the ex, and can concentrate on your own family.

Well done Scarlett, very well done indeed.

Good luck to you all tomorrow (I am in little doubt that dsd will be better off living with you, btw).

You sound so kind and wise, OP.

I also think what Wakey says is very insightful: Your DSC subconsciously believes that even though she is choosing to reject her mum right now, her mum will still love her. That is very, very important.

If I am totally honest, it was very very hard to speak to DSD about what had happened as I want to do physically harm to the ex!!!!

But if I had said something bad about her that would make me as bad as her. Stepmother already get so much bad press.

I still do not want to see/speak/hear that woman again and while I know I am angry, no, I am furious, I really don't think I will change my mind despite what I said to DSD.

I think I will need to speak to someone on how to handle how I feel because I cannot let DSD see the sheer hate I feel for her mother and I am not sure I will be able to hide it for much longer.

I have been doing some research online and it looks like DH will need to have an ex parte hearing tomorrow. The outcome could be temporary residency of DSD and then a formal residency hearing where CAFCASS will become involved again (fingers crossed it might be the original CAFCASS officer we had previously but I dont think we will be that lucky) or the judge will order DSD returned to her mother but DSD wants to go with DH in the morning. We need to be at the court for 9am in order to request an emergency hearing.

You've had a few uncomfortable conversations in the last few days scarlett but you've clearly kept your head and your DSD's well being at heart.

It sounds like you need to lay into a punchbag and I can't say I blame you. Do you have some RL friends you can rant at and know it won't go any further?

I hope your DH gets the ex parte hearing tomorrow. That will make the ex very angry. I hope she decides to play nice for a while now.

It sounds like your DSD is very clear in her mind about what she wants for now. I hope she doesn't change her mind when she sees her mother and then feel torn. Poor kid. This must be so stressful for her and the rest of you too.

Keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow goes well.

I bet it was hard, Scarlett, but you managed it. Many people wouldn't have - I'm not sure I would, to my shame.

Well done you

Been lurking on this thread. Just wanted to wish you all the best today x

Been following this and thinking of you today op,

so we now have temperary residence of DSD.

DH went to court at 9am this morning. I phoned his solicitor who managed to get to the court at 930. She is amazing this solicitor.

DH was granted an ex parte hearing accompanied by both solicitor and DSD.

He got 10mins with the judge. Judge listened to DSD, granted an temporary change of residence but stated this maybe reversed back to the ex at the next court date which should be asap.

DH has to serve the order to the ex. Both DH and sol went to the police again and advised them that they are going to serve the ex and there might be trouble.

The ex should be home around 430pm today so police are going to accompany Dh but have stressed it is only to ensure that no trouble occurs when the ex is given the paperwork.

DH called the school, spoke to Head, advised him of the situation, advised him that under no circumstances is he to speak to the ex (she works at the school) until the ex has been served later today.

Exhausted but can see light at the end of the tunnel

So glad that the hearing went OK scarlett

I'm glad it went well, Scarlett. I hope your DSD is ok, it must be very difficult for her. It's good she is with you guys.

Well, well done. You must all be exhausted.

That is an interesting scenario unfolding at the school. The Head is in an interesting position - loyalty to a staff member conflicting with care of a pupil. Do you trust the Head? You can bet that ex is complaining about the unjust treatment she has received this weekend.

Why was it necessary to tell the head of your DSDs school before her mother knew? Is it so that they know not to let her go home with anyone but you/DH tonight?

Does the mother know that this is afoot? Has her DD actually told her she intends to live with you? I think she is going to find it hard to accept that this is DSDs decision and she will accuse you and your DH of manipulating DSD as a way of punishing her.

I would be prepared for your DSD to ask to go back to her mother after short while TBH. I think the way she has reacted in understandable due to her shock at what has gone on, but I feel that is probably a knee jerk reaction. I would not be surprised if she asks to go back once the dust has settled, especially if her mother has access to her at school each day. I think seeing her distraught will be too much guilt for your DSD to cope with.

Just be prepared for things to be very unsettled for a while and don't give DSD a hard time if she changes her mind, regardless of how determined she seems now.

Goodness me, that's a turn of events.

Don't take this the wrong way op but I am starting to feel a little sorry for the ex, her daughter has 'gone', she has lost credibility at work .... I know what she did was abhorrent but she's certainly paying a high price.

That's my knee jerk reaction but I'm sure if I go back and read your op then I will lose any compassion for the ex!!

For those feeling sorry for the ex, what if she had followed through on her threat and accused scarlett and her husband of abuse, that would have shattered their family to pieces. They could at the very least suffered years of being monitored and scrutinised, at the very worst their son could have been removed. Did the ex have compassion when she made her threat? Not at all, as a professional who teaches children she knew EXACTLY what she was doing, which makes this particularly evil. She is now reaping what she has sown and thank goodness DSD is not going to suffer the day to day drip drip of poison in her ears. Her attempt at bullying has backfired and I have zero sympathy for her. I think the OP has been very restrained in the circumstances. I think if she'd threatened my son I'd be at her door with a pich fork and burning torch calling for her blood

Scarlett what does your solicitor say about your chances of gaining long term residency?

Very sadly that is of the mum's making hopefully the dust will settle, mum will keep her mouth with any emotional blackmail/lies because her dd now does realise she can vote with her feet.

I really hope that things do calm down very quickly for dsd & ds sake most of all.

I can't help feeling a bit like that too Belle ……..

I am not blaming you at all by the way, Scarlett but it seems such an awful price to pay for her mistake. You have each other and your son and you still have DSD on your side but she will be alone now if DSD stays with you.

I know she brought it on herself entirely but it's still very sad. Although I totally appreciate why you feel so violated by what she said, and that had she gone through with her threats the consequences for you would have been unthinkable.

Honestly, it's so heartbreaking for the children when they have to see their parents at war like this.

My God, I wouldn't feel sorry for the ex. I don't get that.

If they had acted the way she intended for them to, they would have had NO relationship with the daughter whatsoever, and she threatened their relationship with their son too. Plus, their careers would be on the line too.

She is more than a bitch. It's terribly, terribly sad for DSD, but that's all the ex's doing.

It wasn't a mistake.

We all know its heartbreaking for divorce to be like this. It's horrendous for the children. But the ex has brought it all on them by her behavior.

don't get me wrong, I am still totally on Scarlett's side over this and I think the threats and the nature of them were despicable. I think people who resort to vindictive lies in order to manipulate family courts and exert power and control over an ex are despicable.

But I bet she's absolutely reeling from just how badly this has backfired on her today.

I am not blaming you at all by the way, Scarlett but it seems such an awful price to pay for her mistake. You have each other and your son and you still have DSD on your side but she will be alone now if DSD stays with you.

DSD isn't there to be her companion to stop her being lonely!!! Come on! She's suppose to be her mother FGS! The person who is suppose to make you feel safe and secure, to safe guard your emotional wellbeing, nurture and teach you to be a good person. Not use you to score points in some twisted game. DSD deserves to live in an environment where she isn't subjected to emotional abuse. She is a child and deserves a decent childhood where she has meaningful relationships with all her family not just those her mother chooses.

All the lies that have been told to DSD are coming to the surface and it's clear that the mother has been repeatedly lying to DSD and manipulating her. She's clearly been trying to undermine the child's relationship with her father and no doubt has made DSD feel rejected and hurt in the process.

Why does DSD have to endure this just so her mum doesn't get lonely? Get a grip people!

Am quite that a court can just change residence like that. It's not as if DSD was being abused or anything at her mum's. She wasn't directly involved in the blackmail in any way was she?

It's an awful way to change residence. Her stuff's presumably all still at her mum's. She's angry at her mum (understandably) but she's going to have to see her some time surely? Her mum may be getting her just deserts, but I can't really see how DSD has benefited from all that's happened :(

No, I know Caterpillar I'm being daft. Sorry.

I don't feel sorry for her exactly, that's the wrong way to put it. I am just reading like this > as her spectacular downfall unfolds before our eyes and it's more that I am just imagining the sense of total impending doom she must be feeling now and wondering what must be going through her head! I wonder what she'll say to the head teacher….