Do-gooding clique thread

[ArsenicFaceCream]

Thanks for the name dozie

Can I join? I've lurked on the SP board for a while but never posted as everyone seemed to be very anti-sc. Everything is either the partners fault, ex partners fault or some ten year old hussy who is using her womanly guile to bamboozle DH into being a Disney dad.

I've rtft and you all seem suspiciously reasonable.

I particularly like your pro hat stance. I have a sea captains hat that i don at every opportunity. And I like cakes.

Don ya hat and come on in Clash

You are correct that we do not agree with those kind of thoughts/feelings. We appreciate others do and they have the whole of the SP board to voice it but here we prefer a positive approach to step parenting. Lets face it all kids can drive you nuts SDC's don't have the monopoly

We are going to need to see a photo of the hat clash

I shall try.....hang on....

It's like this one - but it has several strongbow dark fruits stains on it....

And my name sewn into the back by my helpful mil!

Sea captain?? You're definitely in!

Perfect!

Sorry to drop the mood but I was talking to DH today about the mini wives thing. We have 2 daughters (Twins) they are 7 and very much the apple of their daddies eye. They spend tons of time together some of it does not include me and they show complete adoration for him. Now none of this bothers me. I was very much the same with my father but I do worry that if we ever split up ( not on the cards by the way we are very happy but you never know) would his new GF/DW view the DD's has having mini wife behaviours

DH said he wouldn't allow it to happen, any women who fought his children for his attention would not be his kind of women.

That's what bothers me most about the whole mini-wife thing - looking through the list, a lot of the things seem to be indicative of a close, loving relationship between a parent and child - and particularly where the aforementioned child is unsure of her role in the parents 'new' life, which, with the best will in the world, a stepparent does change the dynamic of.

My dss was certainly exhibiting many of the supposed behaviour traits when we first got together - not sure how it works when both the protagonists are male - or does it only apply to females?

To be honest, it seems a perfectly natural reaction for a child in that situation.

Good on your DH floss

That's what I believe also clash. I think the label 'mini wives' is wrong and wholly inappropriate.

Ahoy there Cap'n Clash

Flossy it could happen to anyone really couldn't it. Partners separate and - boom - any of our children could be in that situation. Hopefully it's not going to happen though because, as your dh says, it needs the adult to co-operate.

For example, single dad with an 11 year old daughter who always sits in the front of the car next to him when he's driving. Dad meets new girlfriend and, after some time, introduces his dd. They all go out together and dd insists on sitting in the front seat as usual.

Now, it's up to the dad to explain that children sit in the back and let adults have the front seat. It's just the way it is, it's good manners and it's respectful.

If he takes the daughter's 'side' and agrees to let her have the front seat, he is giving totally the wrong message to the daughter and the new girlfriend. Girlfriend blames dd for behaving like a spoilt princess/brat/mini wife/whatever.

If the phrase 'mini wife' is going to be used at all, it should at least be recognised that the child has fallen victim to a condition. It would be kinder to say that she was 'suffering from mini wife syndrome'. At least that would show some empathy for what the child is going through.

Not dissimilar in fact to other conditions, such as attachment disorder, which can be overcome with the right therapy.

Well Christ on a bike Fair there's me thinking you were all about the hats and actually you are extremely insightful and intelligent

Your post explains it beautifully. Our children understand certain rules such as adults sit in the front seat but you can when there is just us. It is not a rule determined by the status of the adult it applies to every adult.

I think labelling it as MWS (hate typing mini wives syndrome yuk!) just gives an open door policy to explain the behaviour away and vilify the child for it.
However if you look at it from a different angle and with the support of the father you can make the child feel secure enough so as not to resort to such childish tactics.
MWS implies that they are using adult thinking to get what they want but the truth is they are always thinking like children and have the emotions of children.

The term 'mini-wife' makes my flesh crawl, it conjures up all sorts of despicable connotations.

Other posters have provided information termed as 'spousification' on the subject, but even reading that some of the behaviours attributed to it are no different to the dynamic between fathers and daughters in two biological parent families.

I can see how, in very rare cases the dynamic between daughters and fathers or mothers and sons can shift dramatically due to death of a father or mother or in very exceptional divorce scenarios. However, any diagnosis of this shift, the impact of it on all parties and how to address it, would need to be done by a fully qualified trained professional. To have it bandied about so that people who are experiencing difficulties adapting to a new step child/step parent set up can grab onto it, self diagnose it, and use it to validate and justify their own point of view or objectionable behaviour is, in my opinion, downright dangerous.

Trying to make something rare and exceptional into something that applies in every instance by suggesting it as a possibility at every available opportunity is reckless in the extreme. The further damage that can be inflicted on an already fraught and difficult relationship if one party believes, without any solid proof or evidence, that this is the root cause of their problem, is incalcuable.

Even with the term 'spousification', I still think it should be clear that the child is suffering from the condition, not creating it to achieve their own whims.

Well knickers to you lot with your intelligent arguments and insightful posts. I was only here for the hats anyway

Great post emo

Funny you should mention the front seat of the car thingy, my mum sometimes used to let one of us sit in the front seat next to dad as a treat, but I think this was a subtle way of splitting us children up so we wouldn't create mayhem in the back seat. I often give the front seat to one of the children, one of the main reasons being they are a lot taller than me and need the extra leg room .

I totally accept your point Faire, it is the adult not the child, and to label the child with such an offensive term with all it's hideous connotations is wrong on so many levels.

Excuse the rouge apostrophe fail.

I also think the term, when used by a step mother, implies that the sm is viewing it as a competition for DHs affection and shows a lack of appreciation for the parent - child relationship as opposed to the partner relationship.

Perp It sounds like good old fashioned jealousy from your SM, pathetic way for an adult to behave in my opinion. The relationship between you and your dad isn't and couldn't be the same as the one between your SM and your dad, why on earth can't people see and accept that, why are they threatened by it, it really is an odd issue to have. For her to have a problem with you and your DF helping one another out beggars belief.

Indeed Clash, two entirely different relationships.

In fairness, Perp a lot of it too would be to do with your df's behaviour I would think.

Taking Fair's example further;

if, when I met now dh and we were all going out, he said to me "look, Jane is struggling with this, she's unsure about how things are going to be and sitting in the front is her 'thing'. Now, I can explain that it's more respectful for adults to sit in the front but would you mind if we both said she can sit in the front on the way there as a little treat, but that adults sit there, and we'll ease her into the change" I would think, ok easing her in fine.

If he had said "the front is her's, get your arse in the back" that is most definitely not ok.

But that would be him doing it and nothing to do with Jane. Even if she felt smug about it, she's not the one who put us all in that situation.

Unfortunately, a lot of stepmothers would take it out on Jane; she's being a cow, she's a spoiled brat, she needs to learn her place.

Well, no. Her father needs to learn to teach her 'her place'. Why on earth would she voluntarily change the status quo in a situation that's completely new to her anyway?

And therein, I think, lies the problem.

Evening. :)

Someone got deleted. I saw it as I flicked through but it's on page 1 now and I'm on page 2.

Come on, fess up! Did one of you lot say something naughty or was it a real, genuine, deserves to be deleted delete?

Do I have to award anyone a hat? Like this one perhaps?

Great posts hats all round

I completely agree. I think if the parents are 'educated' the children will follow.

That is what freaks me out about the MW stuff and those bloggers. They are spouting their vile damaging crap and those who are desperate/vulnerable listen and we end up with more screwed up kids.

Someone got deleted. I saw it as I flicked through but it's on page 1 now and I'm on page 2.

Hooby that rhymes!

Your a poet and you didn't fucking know it

Loving the hat