I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

Yes, the list thing is hardly a red alert.

I am a huge writer of lists. I do it as a way to prioritise and take stock. I will always write down things like 1. spend more time with x. 2. sort out MOT.

WakeyCakey - could you elaborate on what behaviours the DC's have exhibited that suggests they're damaged and are posing challenges any different to an average teen?

Actually these days I have seperate lists, including one for 'relationships' but I'm 45 and have highly developed list making skills ...at 19 I may well have muddled up my tasks...

OP, that article really isn't very nice.

I have stepchildren, although they were young adults when I married their father and never lived with us. It hasn't always been easy; there were times when they were horrible to me and equally it would be dishonest of me to say that there haven't been times when I have resented them.

But that is the deal if you marry someone who has children - you have to accept that their parent loves them and that they are part of your life and always will be. They are not going to go away. That's just how life is.

One thing I think it is important to remember is that no matter how old they are you are the adult in this relationship and have to behave like the adult. Many times I bit my tongue, perhaps shed a few tears in private, and didn't say how I felt because it would have caused problems - I am deeply glad that I did so because a few years on we have a pretty good relationship. I'm not saying that you have to roll over on every little thing, but you do need to remember that you are the adult and sometimes step back...... And I could have fallen out with my DH on many occasions (and sometimes did!) but they are his children and he loves them unconditionally and to feel torn between your wife and children must feel like torture.

It's hard, and I feel for you, but I think you need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. I wish you well.

yes the DH is the tie between OP and his DCs. he has to implement changes to make for happier and healthier living environment. but that will involve effort on both the DC's parts and OP's part. she hold some responsibility for her attitude towards the DCs. ALL in the house need to work to improve the situation. including OP which I don't think she will accept. from her posts it is clear she considers herself entirely blameless and her DH and SDCs entirely to blame for her unhappiness. neither of which is true.

Wow what a horrible link !

op I think you are waaaaaaaay passed resolving this with you dsc. I've actually done a huge u- turn n this thread. Was a supporter of you op. Now I just feel sorry for your dh and his kids.

No wonder dss sits in his room all day.

This is a really sad thread. I feel sorry for everyone involved but it is the kids/young adults I feel the most sorry for. I have kids/young adults that age and I'm surprised how strong, mature and independent they can be at times and at how sensitive and flakey they can be at others. Feeling wanted is important for everyone.

I think the OP is getting far too harsh a time here.

She is not responsible for her DSCs - their father is. He is failing to take responsibility for their upbringing, leaving far too much undone and the OP is having to deal with the fallout.

TBF Bonsoir I don't think anyone is asking her to take responsibility for them.

People were just suggesting that since she hates them so much, it would be better for all concerned if she split up with her husband.

I mean I'm the biggest optimist going, but even I can't see a way around this one...

Good for Dad sticking by his kids is all I can say. That article is nasty and yet it's all true and acted upon regularly, going by this thread, the OP and her supporters. I assume you posted it as justification for your feelings OP?

There's not really much more to say to this, I don't know how anyone can support the OP beyond in an "she's obviously at the end of her tether" kind of way, which is very different from arguing that it's understandable that she feels the way she does, which some posters are doing.

I am not a person who thinks step parents need to love their step children as their own, it's not always possible but this goes beyond that, it's so poisonous and full of hate that I am quite shocked by it. OP I hope your DH finds some balls and leaves you soon. It must be hell on earth in your household, or maybe they just ignore you and your nonsense and that's possibly what stings so much.

I don't think anyone has suggested the op should be responsible for the step DC. it doesn't mean she should be treating them badly though. I think the kids/young adults might be well aware the OP 'hates' them.

The lengths that some posters will go to to defend ANY stepparent regardless of their behaviour is almost laughable. Criticising a 19 year old for writing "make dad feel special" on a piece on paper which she kept in her own room, for being...what? Immature? Overly invested in her fathers happiness? I'm not even sure what the criticism is, only that she is a Step child and is therefore out to destroy her step mothers peace of mind.

What a crock of absolute shite. It's all so fucking childish, it really, really is.

The OP is being treated very badly by her H and his DC (because he doesn't require them to behave better). Of course the OP is bitter and resentful! She would have to be insane not to be! And her DSCs aren't young DC to whom she can lay down the law... She needs her H to organise them.

Being a stepparent to late teen DCs has its own special trials and, tbh, people who haven't done it haven't got a clue.

Tapper, you said "what is your son doing today, does he have to spend 24/7 in his room, why cant you encourage him to do something else?". This is pretty critical even without any history behind it, on several ways.

Call the boy by his name. Calling him "your son" says straight away that you are angry.
"does he have to spend the day" doing whatever. Very critical, letting your dh know that what the boy is doing is wrong in your eyes.
"why can't you". More criticism, this time aimed at dh.

By the time you've done that a few times, he knows you're telling him that not only is his son not good enough, his son's activities aren't good enough, but he isn't good enough either.

No wonder he just retreats and is 'spineless'. No wonder the son is spending the day in his room.

Vis a vis, this particular little conversation, what does it matter whether the boy spends the day in his room playing X-Box? It's not ideal, but so many teens do it. Yes, it's lovely weather but he's not interested in lovely weather right now in his life; what he wants is to keep away from everything and retreat. He is also probably very well aware that his brother is about to up and leave home, at least during term time, and is terrified of being alone and bearing the brunt of the criticism.

I am not a step parent so I have no idea what it's like, but you're flogging a dead horse if you want a teen to go out in the sun when they don't want to. Factor in the atmosphere engendered because you're so miserable and your dh must be unhappy and the boys must be pretty desperate too; well no one actually wants to live like that as you know all too well, so the easiest thing for this lad to do is hide in his room.

I have got all that from one tiny little example you have given.

I have no idea how this started, whether you are always carping like that, or whether you are usually sweetness and light and it's everybody else who is being unhelpful or rude or whatever. I don't care. What I do know is that speaking to anyone like that is going to put their back up. So stop. If you change one thing, just one thing, make it that one.

I don't know your past and whats gone on in your family but from what ive read in these posts I do wonder what these stepchildren have had to deal with while being with their mum, obvisously it hasn't been easy for them if their mother has or is having a breakdown. Sounds like they have had quite a traumatic upbringing and leaving her to come and live with you and their dad is also a big change for them. Teenagers are hard at the best of times let alone when there are issues.
Could you not just take a step back from it all, let them do their thing. If they want to stay in bed or their room all day then let them. Go in and open a window maybe ( teenage rooms don't smell nice lol) but generally can you not just leave em to it. Surely the agro you get from trying to change it is not worth it hun.
As for your relationship with your husband only you know how you really feel about him, saying you hate him or calling him names ( on here ) is not normal or healthy. There is no point in hankering back to how it was, that has gone and you will need to seriously think can you go in to the future with him. Put everything else to one side including the dogs and the house and ask yourself honestly do you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, if in your heart of hearts its a no then you will need to have a big rethink of your life and see if there is a way you can go. I know these things arnt easy (and I do know) but you only get one life please please don't waste it being unhappy cos when your time is up you will regret it.
I hope you don't think Im lecturing you, I have been in a place where I was so very unhappy and have managed to change it, and only now that Im am happy and living life again can I see how black my world was before.
All the best hun xx

I understand what you're saying Bonsoir but the OP hasn't said much about how they treat her beyond her SS staying in his room playing games when she feels he should be out enjoying it.

shirley The reason you're not sure what the criticism of the DSD is is because there isn't one.

I know what it's like to share a home with DCs who have been placed in the middle of their parents battles. Add in a mentally ill mother, and you've got a recipe for some damaged children.

I couldn't have described what it was about the DCs in my life that was different from my own DD; they did all the same childhood things, but they were, none the less, different and there was a different atmosphere in the home when they were there. I cant explain why it was unnerving to have a child sat at the bottom of the stairs every morning, listening and waiting for an adult to come down for breakfast. Or why that same child, stood still in the middle of the room while everyone was preparing breakfast, scared to do something in case it was wrong, influenced the atmosphere of the whole family. But it did. And I get that the OP finds that difficult. But I'm not apportioning blame or criticising, any more than I would blame the parents of an undiagnosed SEN child for finding life tough at times.

And remember, the OP doesn't have a frame of reference. It's inderstandable that she is struggling with the reality of living with a pair of teenagers, particularly those who may well have issues.

The OP is being treated very badly by her H and his DC (because he doesn't require them to behave better). Of course the OP is bitter and resentful! She would have to be insane not to be! And her DSCs aren't young DC to whom she can lay down the law... She needs her H to organise them.

And if he won't..?

To those who are saying things like "the OP doesn't have a frame of reference" and that the OP deserves some sort of sympathy because she has no teens of her own and no idea of how they behave, has it occurred to you that until our children reach teenage years most BIOLOGICAL parents don't have a frame of reference either! I don't suppose that the DC's father had any more of a clue about it all than the OP.

The "OP is at a disadvantage not having her own DC" claim is an invalid argument. It's a learning curve for the majority of bio and step families alike. If it wasn't MN would be full of parents feeling jealous, put out and insecure and feel justified in hating their DC, criticising the DC's every move and wanting their partners all to themselves without the inconvenience of having those much-hated kids around to spoil the romance.

Wakey, the DSC "may well have issues". I've not read the OP's other threads. What reason do you have for saying that?

The OP basically, at the core of all her ranting and raving, wants her husband all to herself. This shows a startling lack of maturity, empathy and compassion. We cannot, in life, always get all we want and this is something most people learn by the age of ten.

There is no compromise to be made in this situation as far as I can see. OP hates her husband's children - I mean, how can there be a compromise here? She refuses to leave - because of her dogs (there isn't a big enough hmm face in the universe for that one AFAIC), but seems to be happy to live in this toxic situation until..well until the kids fuck off. The problem is that nowadays many kids don't leave home for many, many years - those mortgages and cheap rental places just don't exist the way they once did.

Meanwhile, the whole family is miserable and she is taking it out on two young people who have had a shitty start to their lives.

It makes for pretty horrible reading to be frank.

Tappergirl Thu 31-Jul-14 16:40:20
jilldeibel.hubpages.com/hub/Why-Nice-Women-Dont-Like-Step-Kids

NICE?!?!?!?

shirley actually! you're probably right. The DCs dad hadn't been their primary carer, so wouldn't have been better placed than she was herself to effectively parent the DCs he rescued.

But for those of us who have been primary carer for our DCs throughout their lives, we know that DCs don't just wake up one day having changed from bad by to toddler, toddler to child, child to teen etc.
It's a gradual progression.

My DD first screamed 'I hate you' at me when she was 9 years old. But that didn't mean she was suddenly displaying moody, teenage behaviour all the time. It was a gradual thing - she gradually matured into a teen and I gradually learnt how to parent that.

Having two teens suddenly join your family is akin to having a first baby - not a clue which way up it goes or what you do next. There's a biological bond with a baby, coupled with the fact that we and they are programmed in a particular way which guarantees survival - there's no bond between the OP and her Teen DSC and teens are biologically programmed to reject parental figures in their life.

Bonsoir I get how hard it must be and, as I've said to you before, I take my hat off to those of you who have made it work. I really do.

I also get that the OP, or indeed, anyone, wouldn't be human if they didn't occasionally wish their step children would bugger off, or resent time and money spent on them...or whatever...

But to consistently resent them, hate them, find fault with them (over petty things too) is just too much. Particularly kids who have had such a rough ride.

If you can't find it in your heart to be if not knid, then at least, not horrible, then surely you have to get out of there?

Not sure if you missed this wakey or you don't want to answer: could you elaborate on what behaviours the DC's have exhibited that suggests they're damaged and are posing challenges any different to an average teen?

If you don't want to answer feel free to ignore :)

I think the trouble has been that you and your DH have not been properly in this together. From the start, (if only he had realised) he should have included you in the parenting decisions/rules of the house. Not only included you, you should have both been the adults in charge together of this whole family.

Your adult relationship is the PRIMARY relationship in this scenario and should have been a massive consideration, in fact top of the list of things to look after. (The children ultimately benefit in a situation where the adults are mature enough to have a decent, respectful relationship)

Unfortunately, thus far this has not been the case. For the DCs to feel really happy and secure, they need to know that the primary relationship is intact, together, and in charge of the running of the household.

They needed to see their father and you showing respect for each other. They needed to see they could not play you off against each other to get their own way. That they could not get their DF to side with them against you. (Unhealthy for them to have that power) Then you and DH could have talked about what was best for the children, the household, yourselves and the general health/harmony/welfare of your family life.

Unfortunately, none of us gets a manual on how to be the best parent or spouse we can be. So your Dh was unaware. As their father he has probably done what he thinks is right. He has underestimated the need for you two to have been together and in charge of the family.

In a situation myself some years ago which had similarities to yours, I went to therapy and after two sessions, the therapist asked me, as this was a family issue, why my DH wasn't there at the therapy. I said that I had been the one that was unhappy understatement with the situation and not managing, so I had come for help. She suggested I ask him whether he would like to come to the next session.

I am very lucky that he did want to, and we learnt all that stuff (in my above paragraphs) and things really started to improve. I am very lucky that he was the kind of man who was able to accept he'd made mistakes, by trying to stop me have a say with things going on in my own household, by enabling DCs to play us off against each other. I am very lucky he wholeheartedly participated in the therapy and he actually said to the therapist when she'd pointed out where he was going wrong, with diagrams and everything "FantasticButtocks has been telling me this stuff for years and I haven't believed her." It was so good for us both to get help to manage a difficult situation that wasn't making anyone happy. We were also lucky we had a good therapist who knew her stuff (CBT). DH and I did about five or six sessions devoted to this subject, with homework, and the whole family in the end really benefited.

A few years later and all our DCs are grown up and leading their own lives and we are free to enjoy our relationship. Just told you all that OP, to say, it could^ work out if both of you want it to. You sound beyond stressed with it, and I know how that feels. Something needs to change.