I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

You should be ashamed of yourself. I've seen some vile things on MN but that takes the biscuit.

I've just read the link you posted Tappergirl

You know, the one with the poison oozing off the page. The one written by a deeply insecure and hugely immature tupenny hack who's clinging desperately on to her man because she feels threatened by his kids.

If that's your view too on stepchildren, if that's how to treat stepchildren in your sad little world I feel even more sorry for you than I do your husband's children.

That article was vile

I'm a stepdaughter.

I (and my sister and brother) stayed with my dad when my mum left with his "best friend". When I was almost 15 he married again, a lovely woman with 3 ds of her own.

I've been nc with my "mother" for about 10 years.

I was a pretty sullen teenager, but my stepmum just loved me, involved me and now in my 40s I regard her as my mum. She's been it for much longer than by biological mother chose to be! She's also a fantastic gran to my dc. Dd1 is especially close to her.

My parents got married knowing they were "taking on" each other's children. So my lovely stepmum took on 2 teenage daughters, when she only had primary age sons. My dad added 3 boys, including one with disabilities, to the home he had with his dc.

I've had a fantastic experience of step families - mn threads sometimes throw me - because for us it just was not like that.

The op has an awful attitude to her step children. The dad isn't helping. But none of that excuses the hate and disinterest these young folk must feel!

So what though? So what?

Her complaints about these kids are comprised of some of the most petty things I've ever read on these boards - the daughter eats food and doesn't replace it (er?!), the son is playing on his x-box. I mean, come on!

And anyway, none of it matters one jot, because her DH clearly is not interested in listening to it or addressing her concerns, she calls his children parasites in the opening post. PARASITES! Can you imagine someone calling your children that? Can you imagine how that would make you feel - and you can bet your bippy that even though she's probably not calling them that to their faces, or to their father - the attitude she has towards them will be blatantly clear.

What did you think of that link she posted? Did you think that article talked about step parenting in a positive and helpful light?

weegie your Mum (stepmum) sounds absolutely lovely

Haven't looked at the link, could tell by its title it wasn't going to be helpful

I have a similar experience Weegie, my stepmum came into my life when I was very little after my Mum died when I was a baby. She is my Mum and I usually forget the step part unless I'm describing the logistics of my family to someone. She will be by my side when I give birth later on this year and is the first person I ring for just about everything. That article is horrible.

I wouldn't find a young a boy sat in the bottom step or stood in the middle if the kitchen because he was scared unnerving.

I'd find it terribly sad and want to help him as much as possible.

Honestly some of the comments are bizzare.

It's really opened my eyes to how some women actually treat children.

When my real dad died i got brought up by my stepdad (who I call dad) and he's called me his own, treated me like a princess. Rings me everyday saying how proud he is. This makes me realise how lucky I am.

(although he was a nob to my mum when we left home)

"The ADULT relationship is the primary relationship in this scenario".

Claptrap.

Yy my stepmum is my mum. I refer to "my parents" and mean dad and stepmum.

Not discounting how awesome my dad is/was. He was left with 3 children in the early 80s, when that just didn't happen! But he fought for and kept us, and he's awesome!

Same weegie people used to think I was lying about my dad being dead because I often spoke of 'mum and dad'

If you're frightened to leave, say so, and see how people here or elsewhere can help.

It's disingenuous to say you're staying out of some moral obligation (avoiding being "fickle") and then in same breath rant at how you despise him and his children.

The atmosphere in your house sounds utterly poisonous.

Your comments leave me with the impression you are not mature enough to put the children first and to accept that your DH wants to, or that he does not nit-pick to the point of farce over their actions.

So what of they want to stay indoors or do something nice for their dad?

You are coming across as so controlling and scary.

I really hope that you realise what a hiding to nowhere you are on expecting your DH to suddenly make you his special princess and that you will bow gracefully out of these poor children's lives before you do any more damage.

I have step-parented teens; I know from bitter experience what I am talking about.

It was a period to get them through their education without them having to look after their mother. There was no set period of time as such, maybe my bad. However, it was sort of an unwritten agreement that it would be until the last "young adult" finishes their fulltime compulsory education at 18-19 years old. University is a whole new ball game in the eyes of the law.

I don't want any obligations after that, they will be adults. Their Dad left them 10.5 years ago. He did not expect to pay maintenance after the age of 19. He would be there for them, but did not predict full time, like we have now.

I have never read anything so bizzare and disgusting. He was willing to pay maintenance after he left, but only til the age of 19?
What a fucking top guy.
Is that what he said to their mother when they were trying to conceive? "when I walk out on them I will be willing to support from afar for a set amount of years, but that's all, and no changing the rules for anything"
What a wanker. Did his dismissive attitude to the children he'd sired have anything to do with meeting you 10 years ago?

Is this the poster who came on and pretended to be French once?

If I had ever behaved like this, or said I hated DSS, DH would have packed his bags and moved out!

My sister, who can be an utter selfish bitch, took on her DSD when she was 10. Her mum was 16 when she had her and by the time she was 18 realised a baby didn't fit in with her lifestyle, so fucked off and left her with her dad and gran.

When DSis took her on she loved her and nurtured her as if she were her own. She supported her and cared for her all through her teenage years and loved her as much as her own DC. DSis and DN's dad aren't together anymore, and DN is 33 with 2 DC of her own. She calls DSis "mum", her DC are my sister's grandchildren and my parent's great-grandchildren and our great-nieces.

That article linked to up thread is vile, nice women do love their step children!

Okay everyone take a deep breath!

This thread is starting to feel like a pack of wolves pulling someone apart and is not worthy of mumsnetters. Ringleader there's not need to start name calling. Come on ladies, we're better than this.

I don't agree with what the OP is saying but I suspect a lot of it is going round in her head and she needs to get it out. I think she knows that she is a bad situation and is looking for a way out deep down, she just hasn't got to the point of really accepting it herself and is full of anger and resentment. Maybe the dam has burst and its all pouring out.

I agree that this isn't the healthiest situation for anyone, primarily the kids. I'm sure the OP isn't a bad person she just feels duped. Maybe her DH did promise her the world and she believed it, whether what he promised was right or wrong they have built their lives on it. Now it's gone.

Whatever has happened in the past is gone, its what she does now that's important.

Tapper I think you know you've got some hard choices ahead of you whether you like it or not. But you must make a choice, you can't go on as you are, life shouldn't be this miserable.

could you elaborate on what behaviours the DC's have exhibited that suggests they're damaged and are posing challenges any different to an average teen?
I'm not attempting to answer this, and I am not directly speaking to the OP's situation - but I do want to point out another extremely common problem when it comes to dealing with teenage stepkids.
On the one hand, you will hear a lot of talk about how "they are just normal teenagers" - "that's what teens are like" - "they are no different from any other teens"...
And on the other, and sometimes even from the same people, you will hear "they need special treatment because of what they've been through" - "they have it much harder than your own teenager" - "what do you expect after what they've been through?"
These two sets of statements are actually contradictory - we can't on the one hand pretend that the teens in question are no more trouble, no more damaged, no more difficult than "the average normal teen" [surely a mythical beast?] and at the same time, give them special treatment or or permit troubling behaviours to go unchallenged because they are damaged.
Acknowledging that one's DSC is an individual, with his or her own special challenges, isn't a bad thing. But as stepmums, we often are discouraged from saying so, or even asking for advice about how to deal with it, because of these contradictory "claims" about the children.
My DSC have some issues, frankly. It's not helpful when strangers say "meh, sounds like normal teens to me" in one breath, and "aww, poor motherless wains need extra indulgence" in the next.
It may be normal for teenagers to act up, test limits, behave selfishly...but it is ALSO normal for parents to respond to that. Teens are meant to push the boundaries, and parents to push back, gradually shifting and changing them of course, but HAVING them.

I have never read anything so bizzare and disgusting. He was willing to pay maintenance after he left, but only til the age of 19?
My very together, very loving parents would shock you, I guess, as they were only willing to provide their children with maintenance until the age of 18! Bless them, I and DH will be following their lead.

The stories from adult SC here have brought one of my own to mind. My parents (Mum and StepDad) married when I was 14. I was a HARD teen to parent, I recognise that now. My StepDad ("John") was in his 40s, no kids, never married before he met my Mum. It couldn't have been easy for him.

He knows that I've always said "StepDad" to those who don't know him, and spoken of "John" to his face and those who do know him. I've always been referred to as Shirley or Stepdaughter by him. I love him dearly.

Last week, decades since he married my Mum, "John", I and other family were chatting. One of the family pulled my leg and "John" quipped back, "Oi! Don't you take the mickey out of my Daughter!". Then again, "Cheeky so and so, that's my Daughter you're taking the rise out of!".

That was the first time that, despite our close relationship, I've been called anything other than Shirley or "My Stepdaughter" although I've always known he views me as his own and my DC as his grandchildren.

I'm old enough to be a grandmother myself. Despite my advancing years I just GLOWED with pride when he said that.

Aw Shirley that is so lovely. I can imagine the lovely feeling it gave you. It means so much. I feel the same when my stepdads family say 'our Morphine' (northern thing saying 'our' for family member ha)

I've taken several deep breaths thanks.

Perhaps if there hadn't been several pages of the op beng aggressive and rude followed by 'poor op, why is everyone being so mean' there might not have been such a backlash.

I'm still not clear what the horrendous offences committed by the step children actually are . Did I miss a bit?

FantasticButtocks, great post. :) I have had a similar experience with counseling and it was the turning point for my DH.
I know I have recommended it before, and frankly the one who needs to read it probably won't - but Stepcoupling by Susan Wisdom is a really helpful book that backs up the points in your post.

I'm still looking for those Pagwatch