I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

I have been a StepMum for 20 years.

There have been many ups and downs but the hardest time was during the teenage years. What helped enormously was being a member of the British Second Wives Club (and also counselling). It is a safe place to ask for help and advice.

With support and understanding it is possible to turn things around.

Actually this thread has changed my pov. I will no longer be shot down by certain posters and I will no longer avoid threads they are on. If I feel I have something to add to a thread I will.

I am now off to go and buy some shoes and a new dress for an upcoming wedding that will be bought with my earnings. I also have to be up at 5am to drive DSS & his girlfriend to the airport.

It happened to a schoolfriend of mine - she lost her mum to breast cancer just before she started secondary school and her step mum packed her backs and gave her two hundred pound and a set of three suitcases on her 18th birthday. Her dad just stood by. The double loss is unthinkable.

A real life "poor woodcutter" then? Stood by and watched while his motherless child was forced from his life.

These men disgust me, but what horrifies me more is the tolerance and acceptance of their failure as parents.

Men who shirk their financial responsibilities towards their children are increasingly named and shamed, and legal enforcement is possible. I'd like to see the same for fathers who emotionally abandon their children to the whims of a new partner; it should be socially unacceptable, not reinforced in children's fairy tales.
Can you imagine the outcry if the modern versions of Cinderella included narrative as to how the father of her ugly (step)sisters had avoided CM for years? Yet, it's socially acceptable for stories to depict fathers who emotionally abandon their DCs ?

I'm glad you got lucky in the stepmother stakes basgetti

What's your point Wakey?

Flossy you sound lovely

There have been many ups and downs but the hardest time was during the teenage years. What helped enormously was being a member of the British Second Wives Club (and also counselling). It is a safe place to ask for help and advice.

Oh yes. I ventured on there once. Please tempt the bitter barnpots over there with some gingerbread and leave some room here for sensible discussion. Very sweet of you

Not really Nick it is just an extreme way of getting rid of him for 2 weeks

I suppose it's just the difference between this thread, and one in which a SM says her DP isn't paying maintenance.

In the latter, the father is vilified with the OP condemned by association - she is complicit and lacking ethics by supporting or even remaining with a man who abandons his children.

Yet in this thread, in which the OP has described similar failures of her DH to support his DCs, and in which other posters have speculated about the appalling environment the DCs live in, there is very little mention, let alone criticism, of the DCs father for his failure to act to protect them.

Yes Flossy sounds lovely.

Maybe, Bas, Nicki, Fairy and Walter sound sane and sensible.

Alita sounds sweet and will get it in a few more months

It is really rather nice in here today

Basgetti I don't see why my posts are unnecessary - other posters are able to post regarding their experiences of a poster and commenting on what they think she means just because they're disagreeing with her or directly critising her but my post is unnecessary because I have had a different experience of the same poster from the threads I've paid attention to and because I've interpreted her posts on this thread differently, and less negatively?

I appreciate you saying it in the nicest way possible but I don't it's really fair to say that my views aren't as valid just because they don't match the majorities.

Wakey it isn't the same.

brd has said (on more than one thread IIRC) very clearly that SHE controls who lives in her house just as much as her DH does and that none oh her DSC will be living in her marital home post 18 without her permission and that she 'doubts' they will be at all although they will be welcome for holidays.

She is quite clear on her control and her power of veto.

Child maintainence is quite different because the legal liability and responsibility rests solely with the NRP.

Discussions can be had about influence etc but ultimately the locus of control is entirely different.

And Arsenic I've been on the sm boards about 6 months and while I tend to avoid threads which already have hundreds of posts when I see them, I don't think it's a case of me needing to 'get it in time' just because I disagree with the majority on this particular thread regarding one poster.

Personally I try and be as neutral as possible on threads like this unless someone makes it blatantly obvious that they're awful just because it's hard to see a full picture on a forum and really hard to see the difference between feelings and actions.

Personally Alita I felt v different about being a stepmother before I became a mother. I know a dozen SMs who say the same. Not a scientific survey I admit.

It was meant to be a lighthearted comment anyway

(about your pregnancy)

Yes I think I would make a tactical withdrawal after that display too

Indeed!

Alita I think it's just that brd blows her own trumpet so very, very loudly she doesn't really need anybody else doing it for her!

Alita, I only meant that your defence of a specific poster wasn't necessary in light of the fact that some of us have previous experience of her and her posts on the adult stepchildren issue was quite clear, and to me also quite personal and upsetting. I didn't mean to imply that your views weren't valid and I'm sorry if my post suggested otherwise.

Ohhh I see what you mean, thought you meant I would feel differently after reading more posts by certain posters! Apologies!

arsenic I'm not referring to brdgrl - I'm referring to the OP!

The majority view on this thread is that the OP is being unfair, mean, and even abusive towards her resident DSC.
And yet, no one has condemned their father for his failures to protect them from her behaviour - and even some posters who have identified that separation would be best for the DCs have suggested that the DCs and their father leave the family home.

I suggest that if the issue was a lack of financial, rather than emotional, support, the father would have been heavily criticised on this thread.

(that was a reply to arsenic)

Not relevant to the thread I suppose but I was a stepmother to 2 teenage boys before I was a mother.
It wasn't easy especially when I got pregnant. These boys were now going to be sharing the father they had complete exclusivity of and it did not go down well. They sulked and one didn't speak to me at all for about 3 months.
I respected them and respected how hard it was for them. I kept my distance sort of. By the time DS1 was born both lads had a change of attitude and I can happily smugly say I have a wonderful & loving relationship with them.