I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

I didn't sign up for middle age motherhood

There was a point, though, when you had to make a decision as to whether you were going to continue living with their father when he took them into his home.

That is a decision that you would not have take lightly and, from what you have said, you thought you would give it a go because you did not want to leave home when they moved in.

However, it was your decision. Not a brilliant choice, I'll admit, but a choice nevertheless. The children did not have that option.

Now you have to make another choice. Continue to live like this, be miserable and wait for something external to change your circumstances, or take charge of your own future and make your own changes.

Whichever you choose, you can look back at this time and be assured that you did have choices and you did what you thought best at the time.

Your merry go round will never end Tapper

I doubt it will end when the DSC's move out. I can easily imagine you still hating them because their father for example will give them money, help them move, visit them, drive them around and generally be part of their life. Which you will of course hate and blame the children for.

Your situation was not one of your own making but neither was theirs. You have no compassion for them and it is breathtakingly clear that nothing they do/don't do will ever be enough to make you happy.
The life you had no longer exists and you will never have that again so you need to start accepting what you have now or change it but only you will be able to do that.

Of course, there is another option, which no one seems to consider, which is that if OP's DH is actually unhappy with the way she is with his kids, he could leave.
OP bought the home. It doesn't follow that she is the only one who could leave. If her DH doesn't like it, he can get out and take his kids with him, surely?

I have already suggested that she ask him and the children to leave way up thread brd

Brdgrl OP is the one here complaining. Her DH is not the one infront of us saying he hates the situation. We cant tell him to leave. We can tell OP to tell him to leave however i suspect it would be met with the same 'lalala' fingers in ears response as every single other suggestion has.

And if she did tell him to

And if she did tell him to, and he refused OP would be in the same scenario, having to make a decision herself about leaving.

However i think this is all pointless beause it's quite clear OP wont ever leave. She will go on resenting and hating and justifying her hatred and behaviour.

Tapper I get the invasion of space thing. I live in a bigger house and my own (lovely) kids seem to take up an inordinate amount of space. . However, that is something that really is nobodies fault. The only thing you can do about it is change how you look at it.

Do you think it would help if you could try to seperate the issues which are 'preventable' or 'fixable' with those about which nothing can be done. Ranting about things over which you have no control might be understandable but it doesn't seem to be helping you.

How about making a list of things that you would like changed and then dividing it into realistic changes and non realistic ones.

It's pointless to complain about the lack of personal space, especially if you are also complaining about them hiding in their room and using the house as a hotel. It is their house and their home as much as it is yours.

The type of things you can change are things like getting them to help with chores or making sure you and your DH get time to yourself.

I have no idea what sparks off your mumsnet rants but perhaps there is a way to pre-empt them and dissipate your feelings so that you can look at your situation more rationally. Try and work out what makes you feel so angry and depressed. Tiredness, stress, arguments, alcohol - whatever it is, can you avoid it? I was actually surprised when you said that your OP was not written when you had been drinking. I had assumed it was and was a bit shocked when you said it wasn't.

You do sound quite a dramatic and emotional person. It's not always a bad thing but sometimes it's better to try and sit back and be a bit more objective and rational.

Sorry, Flossy, I missed that.

Dia, no her DH is not here, but that doesn't stop some people from making assumptions about how he feels.

The more I think about it, I more I think that - should this situation be irreparable which is a judgement OP and her DH must make - OP should be staying put.

Faire, at what point did somebody tell me that when the kids move in you leave your husband? I didn't have to make a decision, we were very happy. What actual planet do you live on?

Needaholidaynow, thank you, that is a great comment, much appreciated. Not many of you on this bizarre world of MN.

Dia, no her DH is not here, but that doesn't stop some people from making assumptions about how he feels.

Yes like you assuming he is unhappy.

Tapper you say you didn't want to give birth to two teenagers, it may not be what you wanted but due to circumstances and choices made by you and your dh it is what you've got.

If we can't change circumstances to suit us we have to either change to suit the circumstances we find ourselves in, or, walk away and find a more palatable set of circumstances.

To blame and resent others for the situation you are in is totally unfair on them and to an extent on you, it is corrosive and it won't be the circumstances that have a detrimental effect long term but your reaction to those circumstances.

The analogy to people staying at Christmas is too simplistic, people at Christmas are invited and there is a start and end date to the visit. Your step children are not potential guests to be invited when it suits, they are part of your dh and due to circumstances beyond their control and through no fault on their part they needed a home with their father and step mother. Once they are in that home and part of that home and family there is no definitive end date, it is their home and their sanctuary from the wider world, or it should be.

There are innumerable people who post on Mumsnet, and in the wider world who could regale you with tales of their lives and the unwanted situations and events that they have had thrust upon them through no fault of their own. Life doesn't often turn out how you want, more often than not things happen that you didn't want, accept that, stop railing at the perceived injustice of the universe to you and adapt to the situation you are in for the benefit of everyone, including you, or walk away. Life is hard and unfair all any of us can do is live it to the best of our ability and make it as happy for us and those around us as is humanely possible.

Only you can change the way you feel or react to the situation you are in.

Tappergirl, it's good to see that although you're still defensive towards anything you consider to be criticism and although you're abrasive to anyone who disagrees with you, you are at least less abusive this morning than you are at night.

Perhaps there's something about the evenings and night which makes you less tolerant and more outspoken?

If people agree with you they are "good" if they disagree they are "bad". In psychological terms this is known as "splitting". Google it. There's a lot going on with you tapper and while your step children and the situation may have contributed I think theres far more to it and it's rooted within YOU.

Shirley, FYI I was in a musical last night and got home at 11.30pm without drinking as driving, so shut the crap about being more sober this morning. I get called vile, so I will call you vile. Thank you again for your assumptions.

Tapper once and for all - do you have any reason for describing your DSC as "parasitical" in your OP?

No Nicki, I like people who have reason in their voice and relevant life experiences to share that I can relate to, rather than having to read constant verbal sh*t from life's so called perfectionists.

Tapper YOU'RE making assumptions, not me. I used "sober" as in "sensible and level headed".

Did I hit a nerve?

I won't "shut the crap". This is a public forum.

Considering that you hate your husband's children for merely breathing and being I don't think I've reason to be troubled about you calling me "vile". Your opinion of other people doesn't appear to be sober (sensible and level headed) or rational, unless of course they agree with you.

With a part-time job, and a loan, it is perfectly possible for my DSC to go to uni without out help. As my DH has recently done himself.
If you choose to give money to adult children, that is your choice. It is a gift, not an obligation.

Parents aren't responsible for uni fees. If they can afford it then great, but if they can't afford it because it will cause them financial hardship then that's just the way it is. Student loans are there for a reason and many many many students have to use them. That isn't unfortunate it's just life.

I've been reading this thread and, although I can't help the OP because it is beyond anything I have ever experienced, I did want to respond to these comments.

Our youngest has just finished uni and there is no way that she could have done it without a financial contribution from us. My husband earned too much and she was only entitled to the lowest possible loan. The loan doesn't even cover the rent, so even with her part time job she couldn't afford to eat. I think those who haven't yet reached this stage will have a massive shock coming.

Sorry, the first quote should be in bold too.

"relevant life experiences" - people who agree with you.

I say this because others have repeatedly shared relevant life experiences but if they don't fit your agenda, you just don't acknowledge them or react aggressively.