Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I hate my step kids!

999 replies

Tappergirl · 30/07/2014 23:07

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
FlossyMoo · 02/08/2014 11:49

But none of that behaviour is happening in the OP's family situation.

The mini wife comment was born from the DSD (OP constantly refers to her as little princess & not in a nice way) baking in the OP's kitchen and not cooking what she was told to cook. The OP belittles the DSD for having limited cooking skills yet shows no signs of wanting to help her. It was not born of some dynamic where the DSD has taken over the role of mother because of circumstance, it was made because the OP hates the way her DH will not 'tell off' his children in particular the DD at the OP's say so.

As others have said there is no evidence of either child being unruly, disrespectful or hateful and the examples the OP gives of their bad behaviour are verging on the hysterical.
I still feel sorry for these kids and OP's attitude towards them is very damaging for all concerned.

Tappergirl · 02/08/2014 11:50

Please stop with all the poor me / why me comments. Its not about getting what I wanted then and don't want now. 10 years is a long time, I supported my husband throughout his dark times, and was prepared to help him with the kids when their mother kept having breakdowns and sectioned because I had fallen in LOVE with him.

We were all let down enormously by the medical and legal systems. I could and may write a book about it. A lot of you are very one-dimensional in your attitudes and thought processes. It's not all about me, I have spent 10 years coping with the fall out of someone elses demise and failings as a mother. I didn't want to give birth to 2 late teens which is what it feels like.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 02/08/2014 11:51

Interesting, brdgrl, I am not convinced that this is happening in the OP's family though, I think she is just hanging her hat on anything that will validate her feelings and behaviour. if, and it's a big if, that's what's going on then professional help is required and the OP steadfastly refuses to countenance that.

I still think the OP is in some way enjoying the drama and the role she has assigned herself as victim of circumstances bravely trying to cope, again, professional help is required in this instance and again the OP don't want this.

To a degree I understand the frustration that her life has not turned out as she imagined it would, but whose life really does? My life is certainly not what I thought it would be, due to events and circumstances beyond my control, it's different but it is my life now and it is an exercise in futility to think about and hanker for what might have been.

Tappergirl · 02/08/2014 11:55

You all sound like you have a birds eye view into our lives. Shall I hold a party? We seem like we are the best of friends by the way you throw flippant comments at me. She does this, she does that. No I do not, you don't know me at all but choose to make judgemental remarks. That is something I have never condescended to. Most of you are like a pack of hungry wolves.

OP posts:
Alita7 · 02/08/2014 11:55

I think the behaviours that make up "mini wife syndrome" do exist. But it's hardly akin to autism so the poster who compared them needs to be a bit more sensitive.

It exists in the same way Disney parenting and spoilt brat syndrome exists. We could call the ops problem 'gradual step child resentment disorder' and I think there would be many step parents across the country that exhibit the same behaviours and feelings but it's more what one might call a 'phenomenon' or maladaptive thought/behaviour pattern. It's not an actual disorder like autism.
The difference is that mini wife behaviours are learned (a result of the environment) and autism is genetic and a part of someone from birth (would be there no matter what happened once born).

So anyway I do believe it is a 'thing'. It's usually when the daughter and dad live together alone or with younger siblings for a long time and the daughter ends up looking after dad in a way that a wife would except for sexual behaviours, although they may have more intimacy and closeness in their cuddles at an older age than most kids do with their parents. So they may tidy up a lot, mother the younger ones, act older than they are and be treated like an adult by their dad. They are often get what they want based on that equal standing, so they can have chocolate or a new dress whenever because they are both in the adult role. She may playfully boss dad about.
I don't know if the ops dsd sounds like a mini wife in all honesty but I haven't seen her behaviours. I repeat that this is a humanly observed behaviour pattern, not a genuine disorder or illness!

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 02/08/2014 11:56

So, Tappergirl, what ARE you going to DO?

For months you've posted that you're going to leave and/or divorce almost fortnightly.

You've received advice and criticism in equal measure, gone away and two weeks later you're back making the same threats.

I understand you want to moan, to offload. I do. I think your attitude stinks but we all have times when we want to have a rant.

But now you've had that rant, yet again, are you actually going to DO something about the situation this time?

ArsenicFaceCream · 02/08/2014 11:56

Tapper you post cryptically. Your complain about behaviours that, on the surface, seem unproblematic.

Then when others try to decode what you are saying and help, you are endlessly rude. I give up.

OneStepCloser · 02/08/2014 11:57

Well, Tapper cannot be that bad, I notice both the kids are still there, not having run off at the first oppotunity from the evil SM, if Tapper was as evil as some people have made out Im sure they would have left home at 16.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 02/08/2014 11:58

No party for me please. I don't drink.

Fairenuff · 02/08/2014 11:58

I didn't want to give birth to 2 late teens which is what it feels like.

But, OP, what is it that you actually do want? I am still non the wiser Confused

Everything that you have posted about on this thread happened in the past. Where do you want to go from here, what do you want to change and what do you need to help you do that?

Do you need financial advice, legal advice, suggestions about what has worked for others? What do you want to achieve?

NickiFury · 02/08/2014 11:58

tappergirl you've returned with a lengthy post yet still have not managed to describe what your step children are actually doing that's so awful.

There's a lot of "how can you kick a poster when she's at the end of her tether?" You don't sound at the end of your tether, you sound aggressive and confrontational. You've no intention of leaving have you? You're just going to stay in this situation moaning about it. Fine but you need to be quite clear that it is YOU, your rigidity and your unrealistic expectations that are the problem here. Clearly you've no insight whatsoever though. So it's all rather pointless isn't it?

NickiFury · 02/08/2014 12:00

Maybe her step kids are still there because Dad won't allow any nonsense towards them?

I always think this must be the case with the ones who moan the most.

DiaDuit · 02/08/2014 12:02

OP please stop blaming everyone else. Yes things happened that nobody wanted to happen, their mother became ill (she sure as hell didnt want that, i'll bet my life it was one of the hardest things she ever went through- losing her children), their father who had been an 'ad hoc' (your words) parent and been failing them as a parent then had to up his game and parent (which is what he committed to at conception) and the DCs were uprooted from their home. None of that would have been anyone's first choice so stop blaming them all for how this has panned out. You arent coping with her 'failings as a mother'- you are ALL coping with the consequences of a series of actions and inactions in the parts of various parties. Including you. So this is where you are at now. Blaming anyone will not improve your situation. Will it? You need to quit the blame an resentment and start thinking about what YOU need to do for YOU to feel happiet. This may mean you doing it alone or as a family but you can only control YOUR attitude and behaviour so thats what you have to do.

NickiFury · 02/08/2014 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tappergirl · 02/08/2014 12:04

Dry Emotion, I enjoy drama on the stage but not in the home. Again you speculate like a lot of others. Don't you get it, I do not like having 2 late teens living in our home, simples. I am sure you have relatives at Xmas who come to stay, but actually they are annoying. Just because they are my husband' kids does not change my attitude. There is no bond, they are too old to change, I didn't sign up for middle age motherhood. I am not hysterical towards them, I just detach big time now. Perhaps as it is school holidays everything is worse. In a months time, I will be able to breathe again.

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincenzo · 02/08/2014 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiaDuit · 02/08/2014 12:08

I am sure you have relatives at Xmas who come to stay, but actually they are annoying

No, i dont have people in my home i find annoying. It's very easy. If you dont want to live with teens then DONT.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 12:10

I think putting a label on it is irrelevant, and we don't actually know that 'spousification', or whatever the latest buzzword is, is what's happening here.
wrong, wrong, wrong! Putting a label on it, where it is happening, is extremely relevant. It is often the first step to beginning to address it as a family. I can also say that understanding the process, and understanding how it was affecting our family, made my relationship with my DSD a hundred times better. I certainly think it is far better (where appropriate) to understand why people are acting the way they do, then to simply become angry with them for a dynamic and situation which they are themselves being harmed by.

I was at great pains to say that I have no idea whether this is happening in the OP's case, and was very clear that I was responding to the claims that there is "no such thing" or that it is only an anecdotal product of personal blogs.

Regardless, there is clearly a LOT of ignorance about it and remarks aboyt this dynamic - absolutely in currency with family therapists and mental health professionals - being nonexistent or fantastic ought to be set straight. It is offensive in the extreme, and the arrogance with which some posters (who really should know better) who think it can't possibly be real because they haven't personally got any knowledge of it, is staggering.

I suspect it may be useful to other posters.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 12:10

first line of that a quote, obviously...rushing.

Tappergirl · 02/08/2014 12:11

Nicki, you are antagonistic. If you don't get what i am describing, then I guess you are not a SM? Dia, you are just as bad. Advice from you 2 is unbelievable. Try using "you may be" rather than "you are". Very dictator like comments. I am sure your families must be a bag of laughs.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 02/08/2014 12:12

Don't you get it, I do not like having 2 late teens living in our home, simples

Right. Well clearly you don't get it. Your husband will not abandon them for you. So deal with it or leave. Simples.

DiaDuit · 02/08/2014 12:14

My family is very happy. Stepmother included. Beause we dont behave like stroppy spoiled teenagers and whinge about ridiculous non events.

Were you an only child OP?

Maybe83 · 02/08/2014 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 02/08/2014 12:20

Well we'll see you in a month's time then, OP, while you play the martyr and "detach big time". Hmm

It's all a bit frustrating and repetitive, what with you whining and shouting divorce fortnightly, us responding and being accused of not understanding unless we agree with you and 'there, there' you, then being told to fuck off when we give you it as it is.

You're only a partly architect of the situation you now find yourself in but you ARE a part nonetheless. Of the people involved, only your husband's children had no choice in the matter. YOU made a choice. So you didn't consider the long term implications or the possibility of change. Your mistake. Not the children's. Yours. Own it.

You can decide whether you can live with and make the best of the situation caused by your lack of foresight or whether you want to cut your losses. Alternatively you can continue to try and drive your husband's children away but if you succeed you'll be living with a man who is an utter shit and morally bankrupt. Personally my skin would crawl at the thought of shagging a man like that.

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 12:22

whatever the latest buzzword i

Please. Try to get this. It is not a "latest buzzword." It's not akin to the concept of Disney Dad either.

If you do not know about something, that does not make it untrue. It makes you ignorant of it.

This is a widely recognized therapeutic concept, describing a very real dynamic that affects bereaved or fractured families. Those who have identified it and built therapeutic models around it are not quacks or bloggers or people with a degree they bought off the internet. They are highly respected professionals. Minuchin is a medical doctor and a long-time family therapist, whose ideas are taught in universities around the world, and discussed in professional publications. Here is a brief bio of him - link: www.goodtherapy.org/famous-psychologists/salvador-minuchin.html#

Professional Life

Salvador Minuchin was born in 1921 in San Salvador, Argentina. In 1947, he earned a degree in medicine and briefly opened a pediatrics practice, before joining the Israeli army to help protect the newly established state. After a brief stay in the United States, studying psychiatry, Minuchin returned to Israel where he codirected programs for refugee children. Interested in learning more about child psychiatry, Minuchin returned to New York to study psychoanalysis at the William Alanson White Institute. He was certified in 1967.

While he was in training as an analyst, Minuchin worked as a psychiatrist at the Wiltwyck School, a home for inner-city delinquent boys, where he found that traditional psychoanalysis provide insufficient treatment for the residents. He began to experiment with family therapy, treating the boys and their families. Minuchin and colleagues wrote about their experiences at the school in the 1967 book, Families of the Slums.

In 1965, Minuchin was offered a position as director of the Philadelphia Child Guidance Center (PCGC), operated by the University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia. He worked concurrently as a professor of pediatrics and child psychology at the university. Though Minuchin's radical approaches were not welcomed by all the staff at the center, under Minuchin’s direction, the center grew to become one of the most respected child guidance facilities and family therapy training centers in the world. Many at the center and the university challenged Minuchin's methods, and a complaint was filed with the American Psychiatric Association (APA). The APA conducted a five-day investigation and concluded that Minuchin's process was valid and could continue. Other prominent family therapists, such as Jay Haley and Cloe Madanes, began their careers at the PCGC when Minuchin hired them. Minuchin published Families and Family Therapy in 1974 to illustrate the methods he developed at the center.

In 1981, Minuchin began his own family therapy center in New York, Family Studies, Incorporated, renamed the Minuchin Center after his retirement in 1996.
Contribution to Psychology

Structural Family Therapy (SFT) is a form of psychotherapy that strives to identify subsets within a family construct in order to isolate dysfunctional subsets and remap them into more harmonious, healthy relationships. Minuchin theorized that an individual’s symptoms were a result of the dysfunctional family system, and he identified hidden hierarchies and relationships within the family that lead to dysfunction. In Minuchin’s model, it is the role of the therapist to identify patterns and help family members establish healthier relationships and coping skills.

SFT utilizes rules in order to maintain order and boundaries. Additionally, family rules ensure that the subsets within the family are in the proper orientation. The therapist can move family members physically, or introduce elements, such as one-way mirrors, to enhance the therapeutic process. Clients who participate in SFT report that the fundamental changes that occur within the family are maintained far outside the limits of the therapeutic walls.

Minuchin also helped to develop treatment protocols for anorexia nervosa. He argued that anorexia is a psychosomatic illness that often has its origin within the family, as outlined in his book, Psychosomatic Families: Anorexia Nervosa in Context. His methods for treating the condition integrate elements of both behavioral therapy and structural family therapy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread