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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I hate my step kids!

999 replies

Tappergirl · 30/07/2014 23:07

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

OP posts:
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10
DiaDuit · 01/08/2014 23:18

Errrrrrr, isn't it the SM who is forced to live with snotty SDCs.

no. it isn't. she can leave. they cant.

brdgrl · 01/08/2014 23:19

ashtray, pointing out the narcissism in posts is apparently a "personal attack", dontcha know?

brdgrl · 01/08/2014 23:26

Mary, I am sure. The things she has described are not extreme behaviours - but the issue really does seem to be (and OP does appear to recognize this, the title of this thread notwithstanding!) - that the 'usual' teenage things are just allowed to stand. Small example: like you say, most teens will take food without asking. But equally, most adults in the home would be 'permitted', if not expected, to call them on it - but when OP asks her DH to speak to them about eating something she had intended for a meal, he won't do it (yes, this was mentioned). That's a problem.
My DSS recently did this - ate something rather special that DH had gotten in specifically because we were having lunch guests. I wasn't pleased - not the end of the world, but it was an aggravation to discover it at the last minute. But I said he shouldn't have done it, and sent him off to the shop to get more. He did. Story closed. Now, if my DH had heard me tell him to go and proceeded to tell me that I was out of order, that would have been a bigger problem.

ashtrayheart · 01/08/2014 23:30

Is it brd? Oh well if I get reported I will cope Wink

Maryz · 01/08/2014 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alita7 · 01/08/2014 23:34

Maryz I agree that NOW the all she seems to have a problem with is normal stuff (as I have actually said when commenting on those threads, that I think she is expecting way too much of teens) but what I meant was that I think the issue may have stemmed from them actually being in the wrong and doing typical naughty teen things while the dad didn't do anything and gave into all they wanted. I'm not condoning the op, but I think I can see where the problem started and I don't think it was all her and I certainly don't think she started out as a child hater who wished her oh didn't have kids full stop (not that anyone has said she is).

Maryz · 01/08/2014 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 01/08/2014 23:40

But there are practical ways to deal with that - I label food I want to ring-fence for a meal (and believe me, ds is about as difficult as teenagers come).

But...I have a shelf for food that isn't intended for general consumption (on suggestion of a MN poster, in fact) - he did it anyway.

I can't say for sure about the OP's case - but definitely also there are dads who would be indignant at the idea of labels on food or a shelf like mine - so sometimes the practical ways aren't supported by the other adult in the home, and then you are stuck.

The op, though, just translates it, not as "he was hungry, he ate my food" but as "he ate my food deliberately to upset me"
Well, I'm not so sure about that. I think its just as possible that she thinks "he ate my food and no one will do anything about it". Either way, her DH is letting the situation go from bad to worse.

Maryz · 01/08/2014 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alita7 · 01/08/2014 23:42

But equally I do agree that how she feels now does appear to be akin to hate...

ChiefBillyNacho · 01/08/2014 23:43

I don't get what they've done either Maryz. It all sounds pretty normal teen stuff to me.

And we don't know if the op and her dh argue as he's ineffective or as he's happy with what his children are doing and doesn't like how his wife speaks and behaves towards his children.

brdgrl · 01/08/2014 23:43

It's normal. But she may have got to the stage that everything they do pisses her off. In that case, there is nothing her dh can do, living apart is the only way.
Yes, I agree with that. Just possibly, counseling could help her and her DH, but I completely agree that the cycle which has developed is not something she ought to try to live with any longer.

brdgrl · 01/08/2014 23:46

And we don't know if the op and her dh argue as he's ineffective or as he's happy with what his children are doing and doesn't like how his wife speaks and behaves towards his children.
The latter isn't really OK either, though. Just to refer back to the very small example of the food - if DH said to me "well, I don't really care if DSS takes stuff when he has been told he's not to touch it, and I don't think you should have sent him to the shop to replace it; I'd be happy just to give our guests something else, and anyway, you're not to tell my son what to do" - I'd find that pretty damn unacceptable.

ChiefBillyNacho · 02/08/2014 00:06

But that's my point. You might find something completely unacceptable, someone else would think it's ok or would just let it ride. Maybe the dh is just saying "no, I won't talk to them about xyz because I'm perfectly happy with what they're doing".

brdgrl · 02/08/2014 00:12

Maybe the dh is just saying "no, I won't talk to them about xyz because I'm perfectly happy with what they're doing".

Yes, and he doesn't have any right at all to unilaterally decide which behaviours are alright in their shared home. That's shocking. Maybe OP should stay out of things that don't affect her directly (if she doesn't like the way DSD dresses, or how much time DSS spends on the xbox), but she is of course entitled to have an equal say in things like whether DSS takes stuff she buys or contributes to the buying of, or whether they do chores in a reasonably timely manner, or whether they act rudely to her, or any number of other things. Equal say in house rules. Paramount.

Original poster
Tappergirl · 02/08/2014 00:21

Strange to see that you are all still pondering about my personality, mental health, vileness. When I say all, I actually mean most, not all, and those who are not all know who they are.

Do you know what, when I titled this thread, I admit it was not the most appropriate of titles, but I had just had the umpteenth row with my husband and was fuming, as I had been biting my tongue and treading on egg shells for 2 weeks, and it was bottled up inside me. So for that I apologise.

The true PC statement should have read "I Do not like my SC living with us full time" and it has pained me for nearly 2 years, this being the time when I knew it was inevitable. The exwife's church counsellor's very words at the time of one of the SSW mediations were "you do know what you are about to take on is going to be extremely difficult" I had no idea at the time, believe me.

A lot of you are completely missing the mark with your assumptions, but actually I have chuckled my way through the majority of these posts. Unless if you live in our household you can never understand. It's not about bad behaviour which seems to be a broken record theme on here. It's about space invasion and my perception of having house guests.

I already have looked after 3 of them in a 2 bed house 10 years ago. It's been never ending throughout my life with their father due to their mother's failings, and yes, I do feel resentment, that is true.

Anyway, to slightly change the subject, after a lot of hard hours rehearsing, I have just come home from performing in a WW1 evening of entertainment, music hall style, and it was perfect, great fun, and the audience participated throughout. And do you know what, my husband came along to support me, half hours drive away, and I was chuffed.

I am not saying it is going to be the resolve of problems in the long term, but I do know he doesn't want a divorce, we just need to work out how to deal with our problems. We tried counselling end of last year, but in the few sessions we had, I did not see him understanding my feelings towards taking on his kids FT, and we would have spent thousands IMO to get to a point where could be a partnership in this situation, and this is where we still are now....so I thank you for your continued vitriolic comments.

I now watch this space with interest !

OP posts:
MorphineDreams · 02/08/2014 00:28

It's about space invasion and my perception of having house guests.

This is exactly what you should have thought about before you married a man with children though surely?

Fairenuff · 02/08/2014 00:29

It's about space invasion and my perception of having house guests.

OP, thank you for pinpointing what the actual problem is because it was very hard to see where you were coming from. Could you elaborate though on the 'space invasion'?

His children are not house guests are they, they do live with him now and have done for some time, iirc.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 02/08/2014 00:34

What would you ideally like to happen now OP?

Original poster
Tappergirl · 02/08/2014 00:35

Morphine I try to explain in a polite manner, and you still twist the knife in don't you?

FYI, we were told to piss off by CAFCASS, when we both tried to rehome then 3 children. Their mother was emotionally stable according to them. We married 4.5 years into our relationship, when we wanted to. We always had contact with the children, took them on holidays etc. we wanted to get married, is that a crime? We didn't have a crystal ball. I find your statement very offensive.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 02/08/2014 00:35

Nice that the OP has come back and written a considerably more positive post, and the very first reply she gets is this -
This is exactly what you should have thought about before you married a man with children though surely?
I guess you found parenthood and marriage to be exactly as you anticipated, then, Morphine?

Original poster
Tappergirl · 02/08/2014 00:37

Fairenuff, just use your imagination. We have one communal living space and a very small kitchen. 4 adult sized people. We don't have a house fit for purpose.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 02/08/2014 00:38

I'm sure my dsd would love to be known as a space invader or a house guest. Step children are real people you know - I'm sure they are pretty keen to escape from you too so don't worry I'm sure you will have him to your clutches self soon Hmm

Fairenuff · 02/08/2014 00:42

Fairenuff, just use your imagination. We have one communal living space and a very small kitchen. 4 adult sized people. We don't have a house fit for purpose.

And? Loads of people live like that. Draw up a timetable for bathroom use. We do in our house. Every morning the shower is available as follows: DH 6.45am, DD 7.00am, DS 7.15am, me 7.30am. I am not kidding. If you miss your slot, tough luck. That's family life, roll with it.

MorphineDreams · 02/08/2014 00:43

Sorry I'm just still reeling from the fact you're so venomous about them when basically they've done nothing wrong except exist.

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