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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I hate my step kids!

999 replies

Tappergirl · 30/07/2014 23:07

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

OP posts:
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10
ashtrayheart · 31/07/2014 20:59

Existing I think pagwatch.

DiaDuit · 31/07/2014 20:59

If only you hadn't have pit your house in his name jointly with yours, otherwise it would have made it so much more easier for you to just ask him and the kids to leave.

surely as they are married he would still be entitled to a share of the house or even to stay in it if he chose to? I have seen this said to MNers whose DH's refuse to put their name on the deeds of the house or mortgage. people respond saying that as they have been married more than a year it counts as jointly owned. I'm sure I haven't dreamt that. Confused

Pagwatch · 31/07/2014 21:00

Good luck with that brdgirl.
Because of our joint income, if we had not continued to help DS1 he would not have been able to go to uni.

UsedToBeShirley · 31/07/2014 21:00

I'm not sure anyone disagrees with that brdgel.

There's also the matter of not sweating the small stuff, like that teenagers eat a shitliad and like playing computer games. You cannot fight every battle or your home becomes a war zone. The things the OP are complaining about are the smallest of the small stuff and the problem isn't with their behaviour, the problem is that she wants her husband all to herself.

Boomeranggirl · 31/07/2014 21:02

pagwatch just because the OP went overboard doesn't mean we need to! I think Tapper is in meltdown to be honest and is lashing out. We don't need to lash back.

brdgrl · 31/07/2014 21:03

Good luck with that brdgirl.
Er, thanks, its working fine?

UsedToBeShirley · 31/07/2014 21:03

Massive x post!

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 21:03

Her meltdown is of her own creation, if she would just step back and look at this situation for what it really is, it's nothing to stress about.

brdgrl · 31/07/2014 21:05

With a part-time job, and a loan, it is perfectly possible for my DSC to go to uni without out help. As my DH has recently done himself.
If you choose to give money to adult children, that is your choice. It is a gift, not an obligation.

Boomeranggirl · 31/07/2014 21:06

morphine easier said than done i would imagine. None of us know what's really going on, we only get a snap shot.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2014 21:08

I'm not aware that I'm lashing at anyone.

I don't know if op is in meltdown, she has been lashing out since the thread started without many people encouraging her toward calm and moderate reflection upon her contribution to the situation in which she finds herself. It doesn't seem to have been promoted by the threads-rather a default setting.

The 'there, there Flowers' postings have perhaps been less than helpful in persuading her to view herself as a put upon victim.
Maybe some sense that many people see her as actively damaging her home environment may actually be helpful?

needaholidaynow · 31/07/2014 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2014 21:13

Hmm. Well if you have a specific career in mind the need to do work experience and internships can fuck with any attempt to get work.

Ds had a loan which fed him but his loan and part time work would not pay his rent, no. Itvdidn't pay the rent of any of his mates either.

If you can tell me where a loan and unpredictable bar work will pay for rent, coursework and food etc that would be great.
His masters is in central London and he gets no grant for that so any advice would be great.

TheFairyCaravan · 31/07/2014 21:14

We supported DSS until he went to work full time. We still help him out every now and then.

DS1 (19.5) received his first full time wage today. That's our full time support over, we will help him out if he need us. Had he have gone to uni, he still has a place for September, we would have had no choice but to help out. It is too idealistic to say 'with a loan and part time job they can do it themselves'. There is not an endless supply of jobs, especially not in an area with a university and loans are not always that great.

DS2(17.5) will be helped until his first full time wage. He wants to be a nurse, it won't be that easy to get a job to fit round shifts at uni.

When I had my kids they, and DSS, did not have a 'support until date' stamped on their arses! None of them asked to be born, we're not about to just leave them without any support, financial or otherwise!

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 21:14

boomerang yes we got a snapshot from the OP herself which would suggest we've heard the worst - which you must admit isn't bad?

Regarding uni, most people can put themselves through uni now.

GoshAnneGorilla · 31/07/2014 21:15

That link is one of the nastiest things I have ever read on Mumsnet. It is indefensible, utterly self-centred and frankly abusive.

I cannot imagine any decent parent wanting a relationship with someone who felt like about their children.

The bleating that happens around these parts whenever it's pointed out that detesting your step children is not ok is unreal. Is there anything a step mother could do on here that people wouldn't try to make excuses for?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 31/07/2014 21:15

With a part-time job, and a loan, it is perfectly possible for my DSC to go to uni without out help. As my DH has recently done himself.
If you choose to give money to adult children, that is your choice. It is a gift, not an obligation

I'm with brdgrl on that one.

Boomeranggirl · 31/07/2014 21:19

pagwatch totally agree that constructive criticism is warranted, but some posts have turned into mudslinging. I note the 'were you the OW' cliche has been trotted out!should have seen that one coming Wink

Maybe I'm just reading this differently, the more tapper gets aggressive the more her emotion and hurt just leap out at me.

Personally I think the best thing for everyone is for her to separate herself from the situation, even if its just a time out. The kids need a stable loving environment after what they've been through, maybe their father will be a better parent in supporting them and their emotional needs if he is on his own, then they won't feel the need 'to make dad happy'. What I think is sad about that is that they feel responsible for their dads emotional well being, when it should be the other way round. Their priority should be enjoying their teenage years and healing from what they've been through.

needaholidaynow · 31/07/2014 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFairyCaravan · 31/07/2014 21:24

Every single one of DS1's friends who go to uni needs help from their parents. We are a single wage earning household, I am disabled, the loan and grant DS1 would get is not enough to pay the rent, food, bills etc.

any way, that is not what the thread is about.

Boomeranggirl · 31/07/2014 21:25

morphine I agree there's nothing truly terrible to hang your hat on that differentiates them from other teenage kids. I did much worse myself when I was a teenager Blush. Problem is we now won't get to the bottom of what is really troubling the OP as I doubt she will come back. I was hoping she'd eventually get through the anger and start to really articulate what was making her so miserable.

brdgrl · 31/07/2014 21:26

Gosh, I think an honest appraisal of this thread would show that the stepmums are not 'defending' anything whatsoever, but are engaging in actual discussion - just as many of the non-step-mums are doing! - rather than simply telling the OP she's vile. Which is really pointless. The content of the responses to is really not very different - what is VERY different is the language.

What is, possibly, the objective in saying things like
I cannot imagine any decent parent wanting a relationship with someone who felt like about their children
to a woman who is unhappy, insecure, volatile and desperate?

There can't be any "decent" one. So why post? Find a thread that makes you happy.

Maybe83 · 31/07/2014 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eggsaregoodforyou · 31/07/2014 21:30

Sorry Tapper but you come across and really selfish and immature.

It's all about you, you , you, with the kids being a total nuisance.

You had choices and you knew you were getting into s step parenting relationship. Did you not realise this would be a tough call??

It's almost like you were content when you DH 'felt nothing for them' in your eyes.

At 17/18 they are still growing as people, they have obviously been through lot too, let's face it who the hell actually wants divorced parents. I didn't and. Hated my mums few partners that she had! that was my perogative!!

Maybe you DH doesn't take your side because he doesn't think you are in the right.

I think you should cut your losses and leave, if you DH is a debt man he will release the money you put in first off. If not it's a bitter life lesson learnt.

brdgrl · 31/07/2014 21:32

Every single one of DS1's friends who go to uni needs help from their parents. We are a single wage earning household, I am disabled, the loan and grant DS1 would get is not enough to pay the rent, food, bills etc.
My own experience is quite different. We are a low-income household, my DH does not work presently (having just finished a degree himself), and my DSD is getting a loan and grant package that is quite adequate; if she'd no other income, she might wish to work part-time to have a more enjoyable experience, but there is no need for a contribution from us. Which is a good thing, as there's none to be had.

any way, that is not what the thread is about.
Not entirely, but it is very very relevant as the OP's DSD is a young adult (19 and going to uni) and the expectation of parental support has been directly raised. ANd it speaks volumes about some posters own assumptions about parental support of adult children, which in turn provides context for their other remarks.
One poster described the OP's DH in extremely harsh terms because he'd said he would provide maintenance until 19. His is actually a perfectly reasonable position in the eyes of many PARENTS and I think it is important to say so.