Annoyed that DSC are always put first to our detriment

[TractorTam]

DH had his contact hearing last week. He's agreed to collect my DSC eow from school, which is an hour away. Therefore, he'll have the car and so every other Friday I'll have to walk the 2.5 mile each way trip to pick up my DD from school complete with toddler who hates pushchairs but also can't walk far and newborn who'll probably require feeding a couple of times on the journey therefore making it extremely long and difficult for all involved, particularly in winter.

He's also agreed that he'll take DSC to any parties they want to go to, meaning extortionate amounts of money spent on petrol to travel back and forth to their home town and that I'm effectively left with our DC the entire weekend, without a car which is restricting as we're rural and he works the other weekend so it means he parents our DC very little.

We have a weekend away booked in October just before the new baby is born and were planning on travelling Fri morning and returning Sunday afternoon, DSC had a place booked just in case it could get agreed in contact order. He agreed to collect them at 5 on the Friday evening and have their mum collect them at 7 on the Sunday evening from the destination which is 2 hours from us. Therefore we've lost an entire day on the Friday and our DC are likely to fall asleep on the journey home on Sunday which will be disruptive for school.

I just feel like the DC and I have to constantly fit around the DSC to our detriment and am fed up of feeling like I'm the only one responsible for thinking of what's best for our DC as he just thinks of what's best for him and his. Am I being unfair here?

But it has happened now. I have experience in family court and it can be a pretty intimidating place. It's possible he didn't feel he could refuse this plan, or ask for time to discuss it, because it may risk his contact or make him seem unwilling. My point was just that it was a family issue that needed a joint solution rather than a 'his children, his problem' response that some posters were implying.

Personally I think what he has done is so detrimental, I'd be thinking of cutting my losses.

He has condemned you and your DC to being totally second class.

As you have said you now are effectively like a single parent a lot of the time. Logistically that's bad enough.

Emotionally it's horrid. You are second best.

I'd be thinking of divorce tbh.

She has been left without a car for one day out of fourteen. It's v annoying but given the background it's not a deal breaker, surely.

Is there family or friend who could sit with the little ones while you do school run? Is their family or friend who could do the school run instead? Could oldest dc dad help?

It's a total deal breaker.

It's not a about the blooming car.

One weekend he has to be a total disney dad doing whatever activities for the DSC's the ex wants.

Next weekend he's WORKING.

ALL SPARE CASH is going on making this RIDICULOUS DIKTAT work.

ALL this arranged WITHOUT agreement with his WIFE.

Total deal breaker IMO.

No, John, I have no one to help at all, which he knows/knew. He has his dad/parents who could've helped him with everything, but now can't because of the agreement he's made. It's actually three days out of 14 that the car has to be reserved for him and DSC so they can get to parties/activities over the weekend, meaning our DC can't attend any.

I guess the question is do you think he deliberately did this to make you guys suffer - because he doesn't care about you or because he felt desperate, manipulated and agreed to anything.
I can understand the latter, but your the one who knows him.
I'm not trying to aggravate you, I can feel how stressed you are.

He'll have to accept that you will use taxis when you need them or he will have to give up that weekend.

You and your DCs should not come second to anyone in his life, he needs to realise that.

35 weeks in a school year, one Friday, eow = 17/ 18 occasions in a year...get a taxi?

OP please ring taxi company for a quote for a regular fare. There MUST be some luxury your husband can sacrifice to fund this small additional expense? You seem unwilling to entertain a practical solution.

OP .... obviously you've discussed this with him since court. How has he justified his agreement to these (arguably) selfish and divisive terms ? Was it a case of him feeling intimidated in court, or his ex's solicitor putting forward a more convincing argument ? Maybe he's not very good at expressing himself and got tongue tied and nervous when he had the opportunity to say his piece ? Perhaps he wasn't given enough time to explain why the agreement he's ended up with was detrimental to the family as a whole ?

Or ..... did he just capitulate to ex's demands immediately without any attempt to negotiate ?

I'm kind of getting the impression it's the latter - or else I can't see why you'd be quite so angry. Cross and frustrated by "the system" yes but not so angry at DH on a personal level. As JohnFarleys says there's a big difference so far as you're concerned, emotionally, between feeling he's literally had something difficult imposed upon him despite his best efforts, and believing that he's made no attempt at all to argue/negotiate for conditions which take into account all family members.

But the thing is, this is the situation and as you and the younger kids are the ones placed at a disadvantage I'd want to know what he's going to do to redress the balance. His suggestion of the bike trailer - with 3 children including a newborn, on country roads is insulting and dangerous - and besides, the school run isn't the only consideration here. As a number of us have said, what can he give up to make more money available to pay a taxi (for school runs and for transport at other times when he has the car and you can't accompany him) or for activities for younger ones at the weekend ? Or, is there scope for him working more hours to make that money ? (appreciate that may be a double edged sword though as it'd mean you'd have kids on your own more often).

Not that money is the answer to all of this anyway ..... because potentially he'll be spending significantly more time with older children than with younger ones on the weekends he's NOT working. What's his availability like during the week, i.e. depending on what he does, does he ever get off work early enough to do an activity with older children to kind of balance things out a bit ?

There is no way a taxi woukd be £15. But I get the impression £2.50 would still be too much to pay.

He should have discussed it with you. I don't think it's spoilt DSCs in this situation, it's your husband. How can he feel ok with you having this arduous journey?

If you think it's a one off have a go at him and make him pay for taxis. If you think it's part of a bigger problem then you need a proper talk.

There is no way a taxi woukd be £15. But I get the impression £2.50 would still be too much to pay.

It would be where I live - even pre-booked, it costs me £10 for the 2.7mile trip from home to work; from the market town we live in, down rural roads, into a nearby large village where I work.

I'm always delighted when I go to bigger cities, and discover I've got enough change for a coffee after I've paid my fare!

I'm assuming £15 would be including both ways as you'd have to pay two taxis.
Where I live it cost me £7 for what can't have been more than a mile, but that was about 11.30 at night. I haven't used one during the day.
Personally I think walking is out of the question at least until the summer.
I think a taxi is the only feasible way so he will have to take that out of something he enjoys or does. There must be something!

You need a second car which you can use for school run/weekends when he is off collecting the DSCs - its the only way to make this situation even remotely tenable.

You need a second car which you can use for school run/weekends when he is off collecting the DSCs - its the only way to make this situation even remotely tenable.

As it was so eloquently put up thread:

As for the posts saying "buy another car" - ah, such hilarity. We have one car, and I could as soon pull a second one from my bumhole as buy one.

But although it's an understandable worry, it's not just about the logistics of the school run.

It's also about how he's committed himself to weekend activities the older ones may want to do - which uses up both time and money - and practically condemned his wife and younger kids to being stuck at home (or within walking distance) when he has the car.

While no-one would argue that it's nice for any parent to spend one-to-one time with each of their children every so often, in most "together" families that'd be something which the adults would discuss and agree together and of course, it wouldn't always be the same child(ren) getting taken out to activities or parties while other kids couldn't do the same - or similar.

Because this is now the subject of a court order the DH has no choice but to do what it says and that leaves no wriggle room at all for the occasions when it's not ideal for him to disappear - with the family's only mode of transport - for hours on end. There'll be times (by the sounds of it) that they won't easily be able to afford either the petrol needed to make an extra journey back to SC's hometown if they have an activity on Saturday (having collected them the night before) or the cost of the activity itself. Or, there may be times when OP is ill but is nonetheless left with 3 children to cope with by herself so DH can address his court order obligations - again, in most families, the dad would either take all the kids with him (not always possible depending what activity is taking place) or he'd stay at home with them all. This commitment to activities/parties no matter what could also potentially impact events with the wider family because DH and the older kids would be at the obligatory activity and OP and the younger ones stuck without a car. Again, in a "together" family, most would probably forego kids' activities for one week so they can attend a family wedding or Grandma's 70th birthday etc.

It's stuff like that ..... and having the option to be sensibly flexible when you need to be completely taken out of my hands which'd make me angry. I think there's also an argument about fair division of labour as well ..... all the kids are his responsibility but it seems as though the OP will be stuck with looking after the 3 youngest, who arguably need the most practical care far more often than he'll be. She already does this EOW when he works but depending on how many activities the older ones end up doing she could also spend a large proportion of the other weekend with sole responsibility for the 3 younger ones while he gets the arguably "easier" job of looking after just 2 kids who are also older as well and therefore probably less hard work. I don't think that's fair.

your child/children have a full time father. his other children dont. tough on you but thats the situation you married into.

Herhonesty, I think you are looking for a different thread?

Just a thought – but even though the parties/activities etc are now court ordered (which is insane IMO) what would the likelihood and/or penalties be, if some sensible flexibility were invoked from time to time?

Would any solicitor really advise the ex to ‘go legal’ if a child’s party were missed one weekend due to (a) blizzards (b) family illness; (c) a wedding or other significant celebration? What I mean is, surely there wouldn’t be any implications if the OP’s household exercised a little ‘forbidden’ flexibility occasionally?

Although having suffered with totally inflexible access arrangements myself for a number of years, I do understand how some men behave as though the death penalty would follow even a minor variation for sensible reasons.

Also, i thought that such court orders were made in the fathers’ favour – ie the ex is legally obliged to make the children available as per the order, but the father isn’t legally obliged to take up the access? As you couldn’t (and wouldn’t) want to force anyone to spend time with a child?

petal my recent experience is of courts ordering DH to have contact with DSS, after a series of hearings in which DHs ex was seeking no contact! The order places no requirement on her to "make SS available" and the legal advice DH has been given is that he would have to apply for a variation, rather than enforcement, if his ex withheld contact again.

But, you are right, no court is going to get heavy with a parent who breaches an order for practical or genuine reasons. It is a hassle if the other party does apply for enforcement, turning up for the hearings, putting your pov across, but as long as the parent in breach is confident in their reasons for doing so, there are rarely severe penalties. And of course, if the resident parent has used a single "breach" to withhold contact themselves (you didn't follow the court order, so you're not seeing them again) yet still applies for enforcement - then as long as the NRP makes every attempt to continue contact, the RP is going to look pretty daft in court!

I think the key problem is that you DH has made a unilateral decision to pick up the DSC at times that don't suit the rest of the family. So the best way to deal with this has to be to throw it back to him to find a solution - and one that you're comfortable with. Cycling or walking might be practical solutions once it's spring and your new baby is a little older, but they're not going to work in November.

How do you manage on the weekends when he's working? Does he not need the car to get to work? If so then in practice it's your care really isn't it? (legally too?) I think I'd be inclined to tell him it's the car that's been bought to enable the school run, and not available til after 4pm on a Friday.

If your DC attends a school that's more than 2 miles away - because that is the only school with a place - then you are entitled to free transport provided by the LA. If this is the case, you should contact them. But if you choose the school yourself because you liked it better than a nearer one, you won't get the free transport. But again, you've presumably chosen teh school in the knowledge that you had a car and would drive DD, so you and DH had made a joint decision that that was the purpose of the car. Not on for him to just decide he'll take it for himself without negotiation.

The contact visit situation has been affected by your choice to have more children and move to a rural area. It's not like this has all been just dropped on you - surely anyone with an ounce of sense would realise that these two things alone would vastly affect contact visits and the logistics involved. If you hadn't considered it, then it's just poor planning on you and your DH's part.

I agree that a taxi sounds your best option. I know people that regular standing orders for taxis for school runs and they get a good rate because it's a regular fare they can count on. With all the drip feeding about why you can't do this and why you can't do that, it does rather seem like no matter what, you're going to resent this. Poor kids. All they want to do is see their father once EOW.

Alice, the mother moved away, as it happens. But don't let her "poor planning" get in the way of holding the OP responsible.

Why "poor kids", by the way? It doesn't sound as though the DSC are suffering from This particular situation? Or are even aware of it. Or are you referring to the poor toddler and newborn that are expected to trudge (or be trudged) through the snow this winter?

brdgrl No, I'm referring to the poor kids that only get to see their dad once every other weekend. I imagine for them it's not ideal, but that's what happens when families separate.

As far as poor planning is concerned, I will repeat, in case you misunderstood... The OP and her DH made a conscious decision to have more children (unless of course now she will say they were all "oops" babies, in which case perhaps they should get a better understanding of birth control ) and a conscious decision to move to a rural location. Both of those decisions were made AFTER they got together obviously, and as her DH already had children from a prior relationship, then one would think that she (and he) would have the foresight to realise that as the children got older, contact visits may cause some hiccups in things, especially due to transport... no matter WHERE the other children live - either locally or not. So yes, as I said, it's a bit poor planning on their part. Anyone that gets involved with someone with children from a previous relationship that doesn't at least consider how these decisions may affect them in future are guilty of poor planning.

Even had the mother not moved away, he still might have to go pick up the children - across town, from activities. According to the OP, traffic in the area is miserable, so it still might have been an issue of one of them taking a taxi regularly. There's no guarantee the mum would have been able to transport them to the OP's DH.

I doubt the OP's children are suffering that much. Presumably they live with the OP and her DH, so I imagine they see him more frequently than his other children. Unless, of course, you're going to say that he is only home once EOW.