My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Annoyed that DSC are always put first to our detriment

204 replies

TractorTam · 25/07/2014 23:45

DH had his contact hearing last week. He's agreed to collect my DSC eow from school, which is an hour away. Therefore, he'll have the car and so every other Friday I'll have to walk the 2.5 mile each way trip to pick up my DD from school complete with toddler who hates pushchairs but also can't walk far and newborn who'll probably require feeding a couple of times on the journey therefore making it extremely long and difficult for all involved, particularly in winter.

He's also agreed that he'll take DSC to any parties they want to go to, meaning extortionate amounts of money spent on petrol to travel back and forth to their home town and that I'm effectively left with our DC the entire weekend, without a car which is restricting as we're rural and he works the other weekend so it means he parents our DC very little.

We have a weekend away booked in October just before the new baby is born and were planning on travelling Fri morning and returning Sunday afternoon, DSC had a place booked just in case it could get agreed in contact order. He agreed to collect them at 5 on the Friday evening and have their mum collect them at 7 on the Sunday evening from the destination which is 2 hours from us. Therefore we've lost an entire day on the Friday and our DC are likely to fall asleep on the journey home on Sunday which will be disruptive for school.

I just feel like the DC and I have to constantly fit around the DSC to our detriment and am fed up of feeling like I'm the only one responsible for thinking of what's best for our DC as he just thinks of what's best for him and his. Am I being unfair here?

OP posts:
Report
Jenny70 · 26/07/2014 09:36

Are you near a zipcar, or other car club that you hire by the hour? Loads in London, but not sure how rural you are. There's another website that you hire private cars... or maybe a neighbour woud loan one of you a car alternate weekends in return for fuel, wine or babysitting favours?

Report
UniS · 26/07/2014 09:37

How old is your school age dd ? Is it possible for her to walk part way home with another family and you meet her enroute.

Report
AuntieStella · 26/07/2014 09:47

I don't quite get the "he" "she" divide on whether to buy a second car and how to transact the purchase. They are a family unit.

Yes, I think a second car is going to be needed at some point when you have 3 or 4 rural children to ferry around. If it can be afforded now, then it would ease the admin considerably.

BTW, OP must have known she was acquiring a DSD, but unless she had a crystal ball she did not know about this specific contact order coming at this particular time and the admin challenges it would bring in addition to the normal demands and difficulties of the post-partum time. I can easily see how it looks like an overwhelming task when it's all in front too you. There has however been good advice on this thread about how to deal with the school run on the days when he is picking up, and I hope at least one of them proves possible.

Report
AuntieStella · 26/07/2014 09:48

I don't quite get the "he" "she" divide on whether to buy a second car and how to transact the purchase. They are a family unit.

Yes, I think a second car is going to be needed at some point when you have 3 or 4 rural children to ferry around. If it can be afforded now, then it would ease the admin considerably.

BTW, OP must have known she was acquiring a DSD, but unless she had a crystal ball she did not know about this specific contact order coming at this particular time and the admin challenges it would bring in addition to the normal demands and difficulties of the post-partum time. I can easily see how it looks like an overwhelming task when it's all in front too you. There has however been good advice on this thread about how to deal with the school run on the days when he is picking up, and I hope at least one of them proves possible.

Report
Standinginline · 26/07/2014 12:24

Ok ,can HE get himself a little run around car ? Don't think it matters who ,but is it possible ? We have 2 cars ,partner has a people carrier for his work and kids and I just have a little clio. If you get yourself or HE gets a Diesel one ,the road tax is very cheap and as is running it. Not ideal I know but I don't really see any alternative as he has to see his kids and actually every other weekend isn't really affecting you all the time. Think it's probably affecting them more not seeing their dad as much as they'd like.

Report
JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/07/2014 15:16

What would you like to see happen op?

Report
yoyo27 · 27/07/2014 02:31

I used to do a 2 mile school run, there, and 2 miles back, twice a day, sometimes in the pouring rain, with a double buggy, a five year old walking, and a baby in the sling every day.

Take plenty of snacks for your toddler. Do lots of pointing out of cars, birds, sing songs etc. baby in the sling will probably sleep the whole time!

Report
MellowAutumn · 27/07/2014 07:47

In a 'normal' family with more than one child these conflicts occur - older children start to have sporting or other activities that divide parents time, transport methods and resources. You need to look to make other arrangements , a car sounds a bit drastic to me a taxi or shareing lifts with a friend much more appropriate .

Report
Alita7 · 27/07/2014 17:21

Re knowing she had a dsd, obviously the current arrangements weren't in place when they got together and have changed now when she's got a newborn and a toddler to manage. That's a difficult trip with a baby and a toddler who won't stay in a pushchair easily. It would easily take 2- 2 1/2 hours with a slow toddler. so that's a 5 hour trip all round, a breast fed baby might need feeding at least 4 times and she may have to stop to feed. A taxi might be very expensive and there may not be a bus in the country.
We can't even afford 1 car so suggestions of a second car se silly. remember she's probably on mat leave.....

Report
Alita7 · 27/07/2014 18:20

I don't have many suggestions but he should have included you in the decision.

I think your dsd deserves to be picked up from school. But you also deserve not to have such a stressful and almost impossible trip to collect dd even once full stop it would sound too much let alone once a fortnight. Are there definitely no friends or family who could help out a little, It could be different people each week so no one has to make a commitment? Or even another Mum at school who doesn't live to far away who could meet you somewhere nearer to you on their way home?
Being taken to some parties would br reasonable but all parties could make life hard as she gets older and may have one once a week, leaving you with no free weekends to go away. She could also start extending that to meet ups of 3-4 as well turning him into a taxi service when you need access to the car.

Report
TractorTam · 27/07/2014 22:48

Yes, Alita, I can easily imagine it taking that long which is going to be no fun at all in the winter while recovering from birth. We can't afford another car. A taxi would cost at least £15 as the traffic here is terrible so that isn't affordable, either. I have two DSC so the parties can easily be at least one or two each time we have them which is a fortune in petrol - seems unfair that they can attend every class members party at great expense but then our DC will be unable to afford to do the same. His exW moved away but he hasn't asked herto sshare any travelling.

OP posts:
Report
cheeseandfickle · 27/07/2014 23:08

It does sound annoying and inconvenient (the walking to school and the fact that your DH has to take them to parties), but I guess as a family unit you will just have to go along with it for now. It doesn't sound as though you have any other option really. As another poster has said, even in a 'standard' family as kids get older there are times where one parent has to take one child to somewhere and the other parent has to take another child to somewhere completely different. It happens to us all the time!

I would just try to look into ways to make things as smooth as possible for yourself and your DCs. I don't think a baby would need feeding on the walk as babies tend to sleep on long buggy/car journeys. Think about ways that you can get your toddler to use the buggy for the school journeys. Will they be bribed with snacks/treats? Or, as someone else suggested, look into the possibility of your DD going to after school club on that one day each fortnight, or to a childminder, then your DH can collect her once he returns to your home town.

Report
TractorTam · 27/07/2014 23:26

The point is though, that we can't split to take one child one place and another to another with one car. By agreeing to take his DC to all parties and extra-curricular activities they're interested in, he's effectively picked their wishes over our DC. In a normal family, I'd say turns should be taken and everyone should compromise. Not two DC get everything and the others miss out.

Nothing works to get toddler in pushchair, she wants to walk but it's painfully slow and she'll be too cold in winter. Can't afford after school childcare. DH is then taking DSC to an extra-curricular activity so it's not as if we can just hang around in a cafe or something waiting, he's out with them until 7.

OP posts:
Report
cheeseandfickle · 27/07/2014 23:35

I totally see why you are annoyed, TractorTam. I would be, too. And I agree with you that in a normal family turns would be taken and compromises would be made.

I guess, to look on the positive side, that at least it is literally only one day out of every 14 that you will have to do the long school run. It's not ideal but at least the majority of the time you can have the car.

The parties thing is bonkers! One of my DD's friends goes to stay with her dad every other weekend in a town an hour away and generally doesn't go to many parties on the weekends that she is with her dad. Kids tend to have so many party invites at primary school age that in my experience they aren't hugely bothered about missing a party once in a while.

Report
Cerisier · 27/07/2014 23:48

Will all 7 of you fit in your existing car when the baby arrives? If not and you are getting a new car you could try and rearrange the finances so you get two cheaper cars else you won't all be able to go out together. A second car would solve all your problems.

Report
Alita7 · 27/07/2014 23:55

The baby won't need feeding on the walk???

I'm assuming the baby will be due in the autumn or winter as you say you will be recovering from birth in winter. So she could be having to do this with a baby whose weeks old. If she's breast feeding then a week, 2 week old baby may be feeding for 20 mins of every hour if they're breast feeding according to what everyone's telling me (im due our first together in November). I cannot imagine a 5 hour trip while trying to establish breast feeding... now this may be pointless as the op may be bottle feeding anyway (and the baby would still need to feed!) but if you have to stop to feed, burp and nappy change then the journey could take an extra hour or two! And I'm assuming this would start before birth meaning doing that trip while heavily pregnant as well?
Even once a fortnight would scare me! That could be a 7 hour trip! She'd be leaving to pick up before lunch! and wouldn't get home until 6.30-7 which would make dinner hard to do on time!

Other options:
Is there anyone who could mind the kids while you went alone even if they couldn't give you a lift?
Is the school near any shops or friends, if so could your dp drop you there earlier in the day so at least you wouldn't have to walk there.
Is there really no one who could drop you part way or drop dd part way home? If not giving her a lift home...

Report
cheeseandfickle · 28/07/2014 00:02

Alita, I have three children and at the newborn stage each of them would sleep for a reasonable amount of time if pushed in the pram. Your reply to me is actually quite patronising considering that you don't even have a baby yet!

Report
cheeseandfickle · 28/07/2014 00:03

And yes, a newborn may well be feeding for 20 minutes of every hour at home, but if they are out and about the time between feeds can sometimes be extended a little

Report
OscarWinningActress · 28/07/2014 00:11

Sorry, but I think you sign up for a degree of inconvenience when you blend families with children. When mine were teeny-tiny I walked everywhere with a toddler and a newborn through Canadian winters (we're not blended but DH had to use our one car to commute back then). They'll stay snug as bugs in a double stroller (bundle up and get a good rain cover) and you'll be super fit. I think as SM you owe a modicum of sacrifice to your DSC who have established their own little lives. First come, first served.

Report
catsmother · 28/07/2014 06:11

First come, first served

.... and with one short and sweeping statement you've totally dismissed the OP's problem, as well as, in effect, her children ... who also happen to be her husband's younger children. I like to think, and I'm sure the OP does too, that he has a responsibility to ALL of his kids and not just the ones who were "here first".

This situation is NOT so much about the logistics of the school run - though I can appreciate this is a particular concern of the OP's while her kids are so small. Yeah, she may get fit, but that's besides the point. IMO, this is more about how the OP's husband has agreed to something which will potentially have a negative impact on his younger kids, as well as on his wife ..... and I'm assuming from what she has (and hasn't) written that this wasn't so much conditions imposed upon him by the court which he had no say in but something he chose to agree to (guessing at the behest of his ex during negotiations ?) regardless of the wider impact upon children who are just as much his as the older pair.

In a so-called "normal" together family, the adults decide together how they allocate their resources amongst their children so that as far as possible each child is treated fairly. Sure, not everyone has limitless time, money and personal transport so in reality kids often have to take turns when it's impossible to be in two places at once - or they may have to curtail certain activities and spend less time doing them than they'd ideally wish. Shock horror - sometimes kids get told they can't do something because overall, the family as a whole just can't manage it and it wouldn't be fair to prioritise that particular child.

I'm sure the OP realised she'd be "signing up" for some "inconvenience" as a SM - it stands to reason that if you have stepkids who live elsewhere that's always going to be a possibility. But she shouldn't bloody well have to "sacrifice" her children in the process. And it must hurt terribly to feel that that is what her husband's done - he's sacrificed his younger kids because unless their circumstances change radically in the next few years, their situation means OP and the younger kids will often be effectively stranded in a rural location while the wants of the older children are always met re: parties and activities. Similarly, because he's decided that their limited financial resources will go towards fulfilling EVERYTHING the older kids want to do that in turn means enabling the younger ones to do similar things will become even more difficult, if not impossible due to lack of funds. How on earth can that be fair when his younger kids are every bit as "innocent" as his older ones and should deserve exactly the same consideration ? For now, the younger children will be oblivious to the favouritism and the practical difficulties dumped on their mother is the immediate concern, but long term, and more seriously IMO, how will the younger ones feel when they see their older siblings getting to do all sorts of things which they can't - and that their father is facilitating that ?

I see you have (at least) 2 children Oscar so perhaps, given you subscribe to the "first come first served* theory you'd like to explain how, in practice, you run a family where the precious first born child is perpetually favoured and placed first to the detriment of the younger child(ren) ? How, you explain to the younger ones why they are always left out, and why they get the crumbs left over once the older one has had their pick ? How you bring some children up as "second best" without affecting their self esteem ? I'm sure the OP would love to know because this is what she's facing ........ or, does the "first come, first served" rubbish only apply to step families ? In other words, it is right and proper to treat all children in a "together" family as equals but it is somehow acceptable to treat "subsequent" children in a step family as less deserving of their father's time, attention and money ?

OP .... I really don't know what to suggest as I can fully appreciate how "stuck" you feel about this and the situation is of course compounded by lack of funds. I can also see why you feel so upset because this isn't just about logistics but also about feelings - both yours and those of your children. Seems very unfair that he's made this rigid commitment to the older kids when he already has limited time available to see any of his children because he also works EOW. In an ideal world, that time should be shared out equally and I almost wonder if he's so readily agreed to this because if he's away with the older kids he's also opting out of the (arguably) more tiresome care that much younger children need. He's made this decision now - and I really do feel it's incumbent upon HIM to find solutions to the problems his choice have caused. Has he explained how he's going to be spending much quality time with the younger ones ? - how he's going to reassure them that they're just as important to him as the older ones? Or how they can do activities etc when they're older without a car or money ? etc etc. He can't just dump this on you without any further comment as if the younger ones don't matter. HE needs to be sorting out fall back plans for the school run so it doesn't become a dreadful and almost impossible ordeal - especially in bad weather .... HE should be sorting out help from other relatives or friends. Is there anything HE spends money on, for himself (e.g. drinking, smoking, hobbies), which can be "sacrificed" (and that's where any bloody sacrifice should come in) to pay for another car, or taxi, or to go towards the cost of activities, so that the younger kids aren't placed at a disadvantage ?

And even if he does manage to sort something out to make the OP's life a bit easier, that still doesn't alter the fact he made a far reaching and irresponsible decision where he didn't take ALL his kids into consideration. Which is what any decent parent would do. I think he's been very selfish, or very stupid, or both. And I certainly don't think the OP deserves any criticism - not once has she demanded that her kids should be prioritised - she just wants equal consideration given to all of them whereas the parent of all is showing favouritism.

Report
thebluehen · 28/07/2014 06:31

The trouble with breast fed newborn babies is that they are unpredictable.

They may sleep for 2 or 3 hours (mine did) but he also had times where he wanted feeding for long periods of time. Unfortunately you can never predict or plan for either. Having exclusively breast fed for a year , there is no way I would have coped with a school run like the one being suggested here when my ds was newborn.

Report
FunkyBoldRibena · 28/07/2014 06:50

Sorry, but I think you sign up for a degree of inconvenience when you blend families with children...First come, first served.

What utter bollocks. When you blend families, all their needs have to be considered. That's the point of calling it blended!

In this instance the father should have considered the impact of his new decision on the whole family, and offered a solution knowing that he only had one family car and it could not be in two places at once. And knowing that ALL the children might be wanting to go out and about at weekends, two should not be prioritised over the others.

Knowing he already had two kids he should have thought about the consequences before having two others by not arranging his life to the detriment of the two younger kids. It is their weekend too, you can't just dismiss all their needs in a single stroke.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ChiefBillyNacho · 28/07/2014 08:13

I think first come first served is quite a harsh way of putting it, but I do agree to an extent.

My dsd existed first and so any arrangements we already had in place for her needed to continue and me having a baby fitted around that and we planned for that. Just as we would have with a second child - there's just other things to take into account with a blended family, and the fact that not everything will be within your control.

What I dont get here is why these arrangements are happening after the second lot of children were born. There must have been a dispute over contact?

From my knowledge of court too, there must have been an indication of what was going to be ordered, what he was going to be asking for - and how those arrangements were going to work and impact on the op and family - or what his ex was proposing.

But whatever the situation here we have again a scenario where a dp makes unilateral decisions that impact on the SM without their agreement.

Report
needaholidaynow · 28/07/2014 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 28/07/2014 08:26

Sorry but you have chosen to have a big family with no available money. There's no solution to that other than making do with what you have, surely?

If you live rurally, have five kids between you and no extra petrol money or cab fare, how did you picture it working?

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.