Annoyed that DSC are always put first to our detriment

[TractorTam]

DH had his contact hearing last week. He's agreed to collect my DSC eow from school, which is an hour away. Therefore, he'll have the car and so every other Friday I'll have to walk the 2.5 mile each way trip to pick up my DD from school complete with toddler who hates pushchairs but also can't walk far and newborn who'll probably require feeding a couple of times on the journey therefore making it extremely long and difficult for all involved, particularly in winter.

He's also agreed that he'll take DSC to any parties they want to go to, meaning extortionate amounts of money spent on petrol to travel back and forth to their home town and that I'm effectively left with our DC the entire weekend, without a car which is restricting as we're rural and he works the other weekend so it means he parents our DC very little.

We have a weekend away booked in October just before the new baby is born and were planning on travelling Fri morning and returning Sunday afternoon, DSC had a place booked just in case it could get agreed in contact order. He agreed to collect them at 5 on the Friday evening and have their mum collect them at 7 on the Sunday evening from the destination which is 2 hours from us. Therefore we've lost an entire day on the Friday and our DC are likely to fall asleep on the journey home on Sunday which will be disruptive for school.

I just feel like the DC and I have to constantly fit around the DSC to our detriment and am fed up of feeling like I'm the only one responsible for thinking of what's best for our DC as he just thinks of what's best for him and his. Am I being unfair here?

Slightly off point, but presuming that DSC are Junior school age (not infants) they will have fewer parties. IME at 7yo+ most parties only involve 5 or 6 DCs ( not whole class) so frequent parties are unlikely.

Could dps dad come and help you out at least once a month?

If you go into labour I'm sure that your dps dad will be allowed to pick them up. contact orders can be breached in emergencies and that is one, the ex probably wouldn't even if take that to court anyway.

I hope you find a solution. Have you considered discussing with your child's teacher or head teacher. Does the shool have a family support worker?

The party ruling is ridiculous - it's completely normal for kids to miss the odd party because of other obligations. My dss often did but we made sure we went to ones that were important to him. The ex is being vindictive by insisting on it.

But that's the situation and you just have to keep talking to your OH about how to ease the impact on you. For example, he could take your eldest with him, drop dsc at party and hang out at a local library or park while waiting. Also, I'd give your eldest the odd day off school - little ones need a duvet day from time to time anyway. And I'd try and find a nice mum to take her on a play date that Friday until your dh gets home and can collect.

DH had his contact hearing last week.....

Has no one taken account of this? It sounds like the OP's DH may not have had contact with his DC for sometime and had to go to Court for contact. If that is the case then this arrangement is not necessarily of the DH's choosing. If he is having to go to Court then he is not in a position to put in place arrangements which are most convenient to him and the OP's family. He probably had to take what the Court was inclined to give - and that includes asking for an arrangement that shows he is committed rather than just something which suited him better - or otherwise risk being refused contact. Nothing gets "agreed" at Court.

If there has been no contact for some time and the DH had to go to Court I think the OP should be being far more supportive and recognise the positive of her DH finally having contact with his DC rather than moaning about how unfair it is to her. Sounds like it has rather suited to OP to not have her DSC around and it does not bode well for contact being a happy time for the blended family.

There must be an alternative to the OP having to walk to school since that is clearly not practical. But I'd still say that the impracticality of the arrangement does not trump the DSC seeing their father EOW.

Sounds like it has rather suited to OP to not have her DSC around

if there have been significant contact disruptions and dramas that have resulted in a court application and hearing, then yes, I imagine she did feel like that - I did!

I was relieved when my DSS finally stopped all contact, rather than the two'ing and fro'ing and drama and refusals and not knowing and sudden departures.

I was, and still am, furious, that the contact finally ordered by the court disrupts our entire household and impacts on our finances. I'm delighted that it prevents ME from having anything to do with him though - I don't have many positive thoughts towards him at the moment.

I may be missing the point, but how will the DH be spending more time with DSCs than the other 3 DCs?

Surely he will see DSCs for 48hrs eow, which most of the time will be shared time with all DCs, give or take the odd party/activity. He will then have the other weekend just with the DCs he shares with OP. Plus the fact that presumably he us home for some if the DCs wakungbhours in the week.

I dont get how this is unfair? Inconvenient to OP maybe, but not unfair.

He works EOW - so only 2 weekends per month to see any of his children.

As I said before, it is not necessarily a given that resident children get to see much of their father depending on working hours and their ages/bedtime. My child saw her dad for 30 mins M to F for many years. Obviously, I don't know if that's the case with OP but it can happen.

Believe me TractorTam these arrangements will not mean that you will pretty much be a single parent!

We are talking about two Fridays a month when you won't have a car.

None of this has been ordered by court - he's agreed to it all you say. She can't demand anything - in the court scenario she can state her position and what she would like, he can do the same. They either agree (which your do did) or the court decides. It's him you need to be irritated at for agreeing.

sounds like it rather suited the OP to not have her DSC around

I was relieved when my DSS finally stopped all contact, rather than the too-ing and fro-ing, drama, refusals, not knowing and sudden departures

But this is how you end up – if the DSC represent logistical nightmares, drama and household disruption, I’m not surprised if the OP doesn’t relish having them around. Let’s not forget she’s got a baby on the way.

I am still furious that the contact finally ordered by the court disrupts our entire household and impacts on our finances

It’s shameful that the family courts don’t consider the needs of the whole household when making orders. And then people wonder why second families break down even more readily than first families …….

The OP’s DP may well have been desperate to secure any sort of contact, but it seems to have come at the OP’s expense.

Surely if he works eow, he gets days off in the week, doesn't he?

And seeing his kids eow doesn't mean he doesn't get to see his own. Presumably he can spend time with them all together?

Cars what I was trying to say was that OP married her DH knowing he already had children. Upon marriage, they became her children too and knowing that there are logistically tricky visitation arrangements in place they chose to have more children. All families, blended or not, have to consider the effects a new family members will have on existing family members. It doesn't sound like this was all thought through very thoroughly given that OP lives rurally, can't get another car just now etc.

Upon marriage, they became her children too and knowing that there are logistically tricky visitation arrangements in place they chose to have more children.

Contact could have been perfectly reasonable and suddenly break down after the OP had a child/children though? From my own experience I know that it only takes the slightest thing or the wind to change for a RP to withdraw contact completely even if it's been stable and successful for months or years. Often, the NRPs choice to have children is in itself enough to destabilise the situation - but its only possible to make a decision based on the situation at the time, not what might happen.

And marrying a man doesn't suddenly make all his biological children yours as well. If give my DSC up for adoption if it did!

First come first served? What decent human being ranks children in order of priority. What an idiotic thing to say.

Have a DD and 2 older DSS and this pissed me off big time.

Does that mean if the OP had children from a previous relationship that were older than the stepkids they would come first? Can't believe people spout such tosh to 'get' at stepmums.

Walking 5 miles round trip is quite a long way with a toddler and a newborn, and isn't ideal, but should be doable if it is only once a fortnight.

This is what I would do: get a double buggy or buggy board, plus a scooter for the toddler and a sling for the newborn. Then you have several options depending on everyone's mood and the weather. Feed baby immediately before leaving, so that it should be able to last the 45 min-ish walk to school. After collecting school child, take everyone to a cafe for a hot chocolate/ snack, and to feed the baby, before walking home. That way it will feel like a treat rather than a chore.

I wouldn't walk 5 miles with a new born and toddler. My OH wouldn't expect me too either! I think as they are his kids and he's agreed to the new contact arrangements he pays for the taxi. There must be something he spends money on that he can cut back to find £30 a month? If not what about atleast a taxi one way?

I would be extremely pissed off in OPs situation I can completely see where she's coming from. All kids are equally important and as such if it's important for them to go to parties it's more important that his wife and small children including baby shouldn't have to walk a five mile round trip in presumably cold/ wet and any other weather in winter.

Put your foot down and say no! I'm guilty often for not doing it but in this situation there would be no way I would be walking at all! We aren't walking about summer either is it rural lanes u have to walk down will it be dark etc..? Say no!

I'm not sure I'd be wanting to walk five miles if I was due to go into labour any minute, or if I'd just had a c-section.

But of course: first come, first serve........

Why on earth is everyone so cross? Isn't it both a legal and moral imperative that existing children's needs are taken into account when all these arrangements are being made? It has nothing to do with a hierarchy...if your partner has children that live away then you either have to travel to see them or move closer, correct? It's just a fact that it makes life a bit more logistically challenging than if you all live in the same household. OP didn't say it was an issue of contact breaking down after-the-fact. Enlighten me...I don't have step-children so I have absolutely NO idea. And what's NRP? I was not in ANY way, shape or form having a go at step-parents. My husband has two and they are lovely .

Oscar, as you say in your post: you don't have step children, so you have no idea.

You are going to have 5 kids needing to be taken all over the place. You definitely need to get a 2nd car, small and cheap will be fine as you can use it for the school run or the smaller trips. This is a long term issue so you need to get a proper solution rather than either struggling or cobbling together arrangements when there are clashes (there will be loads with that many kids). I think he was right to agree to take them to their activities. They do come first - their mum and dad split up so they have to live in 2 homes so that's why. You and your dc get to stay in one home all the time - the parties and extra curricular stuff are continuity between the 2 otherwise separate lives and I think that is good.

First come, first served is a ridiculous thing to say - about people or dinner.

However I really don't see what's so tough about a guy picking up his kids and taking them to their activities eow.

Dh takes Ds to an activity every sat and sun. I can go with or be left with kids and without a car. Is it a big deal? Er no.

The baby will only be newborn for a relatively short time - and TractorTam will only be in that sore, tired post-partum state for a short while. Perhaps they could put some omey aside so that, for the first four Fridays after the baby's born where her dh has the car (ie the first 2 months), she can afford a taxi to and from school.

After that, a buggy board, a sling, and a bit of a treat before the return journey, as suggested by SoftSheen, ought to make the eow Friday pick-ups do-able, if not ideal.

If Tam's dh works every other weekend, does he get days off in that week? If he does, that would help balance the fact that he might be spending all his non-working weekends driving his older children around.

If he isn't getting days off in the week, then it does look unfairly weighted in favour of his older children - and his younger children do have a right to spend time with their dad too - but the only person who can sort that out is the dh, and he needs to understand why the OP is upset with the current arrangements, and needs to be willing to try to compromise - as do the OP and the ex (it may not be reasonable or possible for the older children to get to every single party).