Annoyed that DSC are always put first to our detriment

[TractorTam]

DH had his contact hearing last week. He's agreed to collect my DSC eow from school, which is an hour away. Therefore, he'll have the car and so every other Friday I'll have to walk the 2.5 mile each way trip to pick up my DD from school complete with toddler who hates pushchairs but also can't walk far and newborn who'll probably require feeding a couple of times on the journey therefore making it extremely long and difficult for all involved, particularly in winter.

He's also agreed that he'll take DSC to any parties they want to go to, meaning extortionate amounts of money spent on petrol to travel back and forth to their home town and that I'm effectively left with our DC the entire weekend, without a car which is restricting as we're rural and he works the other weekend so it means he parents our DC very little.

We have a weekend away booked in October just before the new baby is born and were planning on travelling Fri morning and returning Sunday afternoon, DSC had a place booked just in case it could get agreed in contact order. He agreed to collect them at 5 on the Friday evening and have their mum collect them at 7 on the Sunday evening from the destination which is 2 hours from us. Therefore we've lost an entire day on the Friday and our DC are likely to fall asleep on the journey home on Sunday which will be disruptive for school.

I just feel like the DC and I have to constantly fit around the DSC to our detriment and am fed up of feeling like I'm the only one responsible for thinking of what's best for our DC as he just thinks of what's best for him and his. Am I being unfair here?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

'Some omey' should read 'some money - that makes more sense - sorry.

[Petal02]

purpleroxy you honestly think the step children should come first just because they have separated parents? No chance of parity?

[Bproud]

tractortam Could DH take the toddler with him to pick up the SC? Then it could be just buggy one way and maybe a scooter for C1 on the return journey.

[WakeyCakey45]

oscar Family court is a last resort, when mutual agreed parenting plans and mediation have failed.

For it to reach court, either the OPs DP applied in order to secure regular contact with his DCs, or (more unusually) the DCs mum applied.

This is not a routine thing that happens in separated families. Despite the number of threads here on MN, the vast majority of separated parents do so without ever going to court.

So this is what is known as a "high conflict" situation. They are, by their very nature, unstable and unpredictable. Either it had always been that way, or it has, at some point, deteriorated.

NRP is short for non-resident-parent; the one the children have contact with, rather than live with.

[mygrandchildrenrock]

First come, first served - surely in this context it only means taking account of/care of the existing first born children and basing any decisions to have further children around the logistics of those already born.
Isn't that what people do all the time, should we have more/any/can we afford to/have we the space to etc. etc.
No-one says falling in love with/having a relationship with someone who already has children is going to be easy, but it is a choice adults make, unlike the children from the first marriage/relationship.

[WakeyCakey45]

surely in this context it only means taking account of/care of the existing first born children and basing any decisions to have further children around the logistics of those already born.

But in this context, the couple who decide to add to the family are not the 'parents' of the older siblings, and the 'other parent' can make choices that totally changes the logistics and demands of the older ones.

A regular, stable contact schedule with non-resident children can be disrupted by the resident parent choosing to move house, for instance - suddenly, the NR household has to find additional money and time to ensure that contact continues with the older children.
Or, a stable contact schedule is stopped without warning when the new baby arrives because the RP decides it's not good for the child. A court case eventually follows, and the subsequent court order takes into account the prolonged period of no contact between the child and non-resident household. It takes no account of the convenience of the arrangements ordered on the household with a young baby, however.

Unless you've lived a life in which a third person has so much influence over your home and life, it is hard to understand. Every decision is second guessed - if we get a dog, will it affect the contact schedule, if we decorate the kitchen, will it affect the contact schedule, if we get married, will it affect the contact schedule.......eventually, you have to live your life the best way you can and not try and predict what crazy is going to do next!

[mygrandchildrenrock]

But in this context, the couple who decide to add to the family are not the 'parents' of the older siblings, and the 'other parent' can make choices that totally changes the logistics and demands of the older ones.

I think one of the couple is a parent of the older siblings.

I have been both a step-child and a step-mother and my own children have step-siblings.

[Ayeverygood]

To be fair WakeyCakey45 that works both ways the RP also has another adult who has influence on both their and their children lives, that is their ex's new partner. I fairly sure in this case the ex wasn't given the choice as to whether her two children were to gain 3 siblings.

That being said it does sound tough but I think there are lots of good practical solutions offered up thread and nothing is for ever.

[WakeyCakey45]

To be fair WakeyCakey45 that works both ways the RP also has another adult who has influence on both their and their children lives

If you know of a stepmum who has worked out how to influence her stepchildrens lives, can you ask her to write a book? She'd make a fortune, and I'd definitely buy a copy!

[Alita7]

I think the suggestion of the dp taking the toddler would be an excellent idea! Op I hope that's workable! If he says no for any other reason than no room in the car then he's being totally inconsiderate!

[mygrandchildrenrock]

If you know of a stepmum who has worked out how to influence her stepchildrens lives, can you ask her to write a book?
Mine did through fear, but I don't suppose you meant that!

[WakeyCakey45]

Mine did through fear, but I don't suppose you meant that!

Sadly, my DSC are far more scared of their mother

I do see what you mean - RP often pick up the pieces when there is fallout from decisions the NR household makes too - but when it comes to planning a new baby, no matter how much consideration the NRP gives his older children, it only needs the RP to kick off and all their careful planning is undermined.

[TractorTam]

He can't take our toddler, she hates car journeys even more than the pushchair. Plus she'd fall asleep on the way back, which means I'd have a late night to deal with with her as well as being up with baby.

Yes, part of the route will be dark, unlit country lanes. If it snows, which it does here most years, it'll be impossible to even push a pushchair down these lanes.

When we had our first child together, DSC lived ten minutes from us and we had them 70% of the time. Their mum decided they should move 18 months ago and dramatically reduced contact to two nights per month, hence the contact application to court.

[ChiefBillyNacho]

Has he said why he agreed to it? What does he suggest happens?

[UniS]

Isn't 2.5miles over the threshold for school transport for primary age children?

[robotroy]

If you know of a stepmum who has worked out how to influence her stepchildrens lives, can you ask her to write a book?

Hi there ;-)

Honestly I think you would be surprised. 6 years on ourchild has a HUGE amount of my characteristics. I know we don't have parental responsibility but I am part of making the decisions for our family. As a result of our court order the truth is SD's mum has no power to decide what goes on in our home. She can huff and puff but she can't decide who our child sees, who is left to care for our child for short periods of time, what sort of diet she has. In fact it was her wish that SD never saw me. The only way she can stop me seeing her is if I were to present some sort of immediate danger so she go to court. I do not as I said have any parental responsibility if course do I refer to her dad for those type of decisions. I agree this is upsetting to her mum. Its the same both ways it is even more upsetting for dad to have a man 'in his place'. Its not what anyone would pick.

I'm sorry your man had to go and fight to get proper contact. I'm very happy for him and your children that he got it. I do think he was so keen to get this that he got diddled. His solicitor needs a slap! That's a really dumb rule about the parties and I think perhaps he didn't think that out. We don't flex for these things any more. Sorry but I don't remember the parties I went to as a kid. I would definitely remember not seeing my dad. I agree resident kids often miss parties it doesn't matter. Our child isn't traumatized by it, sometimes she misses fun things here too. We all miss fun things! I wonder if he will be run ragged and have to go back on that rule. I wouldn't have agreed to the only pick up by dad rule either. If I should have to pick up my child I could, might need to wear a head guard tho her mum has a mean right hook! But again, she has no right in our case to enforce draft things like that.

I'm surprised the family court allowed anything so controlling and silly..........

With regard picking up, my SD does a 2 hour ride in the car with dad to get here. From age 3 its been a wonderful mainstay in their relationship. Her talking blossomed, and she is hugely elequant. They talk about all sorts. I think and especially the amount of time your sec has had taken off her they could find that time hugely valuable. We only have one car and this means every other Sunday I'm stuck in the house and he's stuck with 5 hours drive. I found it upsetting at first so I get it will be even harder with little ones, but I do agree you're stuck with this bit. I thinknit will get easier but I do think it will feel lonely. I agree you need to find a way to fund a taxi or find a friend or relative who can help.

It doesn't sound liken he has thought it out. It sounds like he's felt obliged to agree to a few draft things because he must have missed his child terribly. I would have a good talk about the figures you have come up with to point out to him the issue about missing time with the other kids. Perhaps he can see the party thing might need adjusting. I hope he finds an answer as actually I think it will be more important for your step child to spend time with their siblings then with kids at school they won't remember in 20 years.

Good luck to you all.

[Alita7]

Well I guess this is going to be shit situation no matter what as he's agreed now...

So your options are:

• walk all the way with both kids
• walk with baby and get dp to take your toddler and put up with the night time difficulties (or make him)
• leave toddler and baby with a neighbour or friend if possible
• see if there's anyone at all who could give you a lift or pick up your child for you at least once a month
• ask the school if they can help or advise you
• get a taxi
• speak to the mums and school and see if anyone would help in some way, even just dropping her half way (I think if I had a car and I was a mum at your school then I'd be willing to go 15 mins out of my way to help you out!
• speak to dps dad

[brdgrl]

I am really sorry, but reading the first bunch of posts on this thread has made me so disgusted that I can only skim the rest. So I apologize if I suggest something which has already been ruled out - but to me the answer is straight-forward (if not actually simple).

Of course the needs/desires of ALL the children must be taken into account. The needs of a newborn and toddler for safety and relative comfort are important. Then too, this is not your problem. It is your husband's responsibility to come up with a solution that best accommodates all his children - and, frankly, his wife. Who no, does not need to "accept" this as the cost of being with a man with children, any more than she needs to accept any other obligation incurred by her spouse. And he ought to be seriously thinking on about how to minimize the disruption this fortnightly obligation has on you as an individual. Yes, you ought to provide a welcoming home and support him in the care of his children - but he ought not to take the piss. This is for him to agonize over, not you.

The first decision ought to be which party needs to travel by car. Is public transport an option for him? No? Then the next decision is to look at which journey will be more expensive by taxi.
Once he's established which party shall travel by taxi, he should be figuring out how he's going to pay for that expense, which he has incurred. Is there something he can sacrifice to pay for this additional household expense? And by "he can sacrifice", I mean a comfort or luxury that he has, not you.
No? Then is there an activity that he can do away with to provide the cost of the additional travel? Perhaps he needs to spend less on the weekends that your DSD is there, in order to finance the travel to get her. That would be a perfectly reasonable accommodation, and replicates the situation of many, many intact families who have to cut corners on luxuries in order to provide travel or necessities. The point is that the accommodation not be disproportionately felt by you and your children.
The cost should not come from something your resident children have or enjoy.

(I do think the suggestion that the toddler go with your husband is a good one, would seem to make some things about this easier, and actually the toddler 'hating' car journeys is to my mind absolutely not a good enough reason to rule it out. That - a toddler making a car journey s/he won't enjoy - is an appropriate and reasonable accommodation for a sibling's school run. IMHO. I understand why you are unhappy with the whole situation, but some accomodation will have to be made, so focus maybe on what is fair - fuck this "first come first served" tripe!!! - and also what is possible.)

As for the posts saying "buy another car" - ah, such hilarity. We have one car, and I could as soon pull a second one from my bumhole as buy one.

I see that it is the ex who moved away, by the way. Maybe she ought to buy you a car. ;)

[Alita7]

I agree with Brd, he must have something he can cut down on to fund a taxi at least one way.
And I'm sure that after some walking the toddler would get tired and go in the pushchair.

I just hope op, for your sake, that you have an angel baby who sleeps for most of the journey, a toddler who isn't going to run into the road and that lots of inset days fall on a Friday when the dsc are there.

I always feel terrible for nrps when the rp moves a long way away and then the nrp has to find a way to still see the kids. In our case we don't have a car and couldn't afford to run one, so unless dps parents were willing to pick them up, if dsd 1 and 2s mum moved them much further away then I don't know how we'd see them! Obviously some moves are inevitable and I also feel that people shouldn't be tied to one place so I don't know.

[robotroy]

It's hard to disagree with brd's words here. This isn't a my family / his family situation, they are all his issue. Like I say I suspect he was so desperate for contact he didn't fully think it out. My man was very against even speaking about children until my SD was completely settled in a routine and I felt isolated by this at first but reading this a completely understand why now.

I hope you can have a really good talk with him soon and he will be able to hear your worries and start to work on an answer together. It does seem at the moment like you are trying to sort it on your own and that's not really fair.

[Petal02]

I suspect he was so desperate for contact, he didn’t fully think it through

Yes, I think you’re probably right. Desperation for contact often overrides consideration, common sense and a whole load of other important things, and I suspect this is the driver here.

[purpleroses]

Is there not some kind of after school club at your DD's school?

Assuming both schools finish about the same time, and it's an hour's drive between them, she'd only need to be there for an hour every other Friday to allow your DH to collect all his school aged children on a Friday, allowing you to be at home with your toddler and the baby. That would seem the best option for whilst the baby is very small at least. Maybe by next summer you might manage the walk, or some other option might appear.

[Alita7]

Purple I think something was said about her dp having to take the dsc to clubs after picking them up?

I agree I would think that he probably felt pressured to agree as often when one parent makes ridiculous demands then the other ends up compromising but it isn't really a compromise it just seems reasonable compared to what they were demanding before.

[MorphineDreams]

It might be difficult but it's one Friday a fortnight if I've read it rightly? It won't be nice or cushty but plenty of mums do it every single day.

[purpleroses]

Oh I missed that bit about being out with them til after 7 taking them to clubs.

In that case I think you should throw the problem over to him. Tell him you can't manage collecting DD from school for at least the first six months whilst your new baby is small (and you'll be recovering from the birth as well for the first few weeks) unless you have the car. And that he needs to sort out some means of collecting all three of his children. Leave it to him to work out how to do that. He can ask a friend to drop your DD off, or pay for an after school club or childminder, or rearrange when he gets the DSC. His choice, his responsibility.

Our after school club is about £4 for 1.5 hours - and you can book just the sessions you need, so really not a lot to afford