Annoyed that DSC are always put first to our detriment

[TractorTam]

DH had his contact hearing last week. He's agreed to collect my DSC eow from school, which is an hour away. Therefore, he'll have the car and so every other Friday I'll have to walk the 2.5 mile each way trip to pick up my DD from school complete with toddler who hates pushchairs but also can't walk far and newborn who'll probably require feeding a couple of times on the journey therefore making it extremely long and difficult for all involved, particularly in winter.

He's also agreed that he'll take DSC to any parties they want to go to, meaning extortionate amounts of money spent on petrol to travel back and forth to their home town and that I'm effectively left with our DC the entire weekend, without a car which is restricting as we're rural and he works the other weekend so it means he parents our DC very little.

We have a weekend away booked in October just before the new baby is born and were planning on travelling Fri morning and returning Sunday afternoon, DSC had a place booked just in case it could get agreed in contact order. He agreed to collect them at 5 on the Friday evening and have their mum collect them at 7 on the Sunday evening from the destination which is 2 hours from us. Therefore we've lost an entire day on the Friday and our DC are likely to fall asleep on the journey home on Sunday which will be disruptive for school.

I just feel like the DC and I have to constantly fit around the DSC to our detriment and am fed up of feeling like I'm the only one responsible for thinking of what's best for our DC as he just thinks of what's best for him and his. Am I being unfair here?

[Petal02]

complete avoidance of confrontation

..... and therein lies the problem. Another man who becomes completely Lilly-livered when anything relating to the ex/access is being considered.

I often used to think my DH would rather lose his marriage and business rather than stand up to his ex over her ridiculous logistic demands. Sadly, this train of thought seems common amongst non resident fathers.

[captainproton]

TractorTam, I understand how you feel I was pregnant with DC2 when the ex wife decided to relocate with her now husband to the arse end of nowhere, before then we were a manageable hour away. It has been an awful year and a half. She has put us through the mill with all sorts of shenanigans. In the end we relocated to be nearer to DSS school, she keeps him there with a 2 hr commute each way because his elder sister attends the same school.

all these people who bleet on about how you knew what you were getting into, can sod off. Honestly, a parent who decides to relocate away from the other parent, and in our DSS case, his brother and sister's father too needs to have a hard long look in the mirror.

Sometimes there is no choice but when the relocation is done out of spite then it's just nastiness. You mentioned that the children lived with you most of the time. My DSS siblings do not like their new step father. His mum moved them away from their father to regain control. In the end her eldest has moved out and gone to live with dad and I am told the daughter would likely do the same if she were made to relocate school. she spends 50/50 contact with her father which is more than she had before they moved.

I have no idea what will happen in the future, but I don't think anyone should get cosy thinking that they wil always be the RP/NRP, children start to have opinions too. Life can throw up problems you never expected to encounter, sickness, redundancy, death etc. Oh yes and divorce, all those of you sat thinking this will not happen in my marriage may need to read up on the divorce statistics, perhaps we should warn women at family planning clinics about access arrangements if the relationship with the father breaksdown.

You have to deal with the problems together and no it doesn't matter if you are only a step parent, you are an equal human being inside a marriage/partnership. No one should just be told to expect things will be changed with no input whatsoever. It is completely disrespectful and makes my blood boil that anyone thinks that is acceptable.

[Alita7]

I think a lot of men really struggle with knowing what demands they can reasonably turn down. They often feel a lot of pressure and think that if they don't agree then they will be told they're an awful father and then they'll loose the chance of more contact. It's sad but unfortunately the culture is often that the nrp has to bend over backwards for their kids (or in reality to suit the rp) because they aren't there all the time, even if that's not their fault.

[Elizabeth120914]

We have a similar thing dsd lives ten minutes away all week and an hour a way at the weekends at her mothers boyfriends. We only have her at the weekend mother won't do access in the week and they don't drive. She will go out of her way to get the boyfriend to collect them so we have to make the trip and now dsd only wants to come for a few hours it's a right old pain!!

Because we have always done the running round OH won't say anything but there's no reason why we couldn't collect from the house on Saturday morning she just refuses to give a time and he won't push it. Makes me fuming as we will sometimes get there and dsd 'doesn't want to come' or ' can't be found'.

Both parents are responsible for access and when one makes it difficult im not quite sure why the non RP won't stand up to them? Dsd is now at the hour away location the whole of the summer holidays and we need to take her for uniforms etc surely just once the mother could catch a bus with her or call us when she's home? She's in a council house so must be there atleast 3 nights it's a stupid power trip!

I agree totally with OP it's bloody unfair and I'd be seriously pissed off in her shoes he needs to grow a pair!