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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

is the xw rite ? opinions please

57 replies

Fluttercub · 26/06/2014 15:36

Dh ex wife has decided that because we are now married I am responsible for getting Xmas birthday and fathers day gifts for her dd's to give to their daddy, am I being daft or should it be her making sure her daughters get their dad cards/gifts I am responsible for making sure my ds does, I am not being mean, but surely if she has done it before we got married then as they are after all her children she should ensure these things are taken care of , without telling the girls its not her job anymore, Dh got nothing off his dd for either his birthday or fathers day and she had said nothing to me prior to it to see if I could get a little something for them which to be fair I would of, he was gutted not even a home made card

OP posts:

LadySybilLikesCake · 26/06/2014 16:41

Oh, that's not swearing I've heard far worse so that's mild to me 'Fuck off you fucking cunt faced bullshitting twat', now that's swearing (not aimed at anyone)

TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 16:45

It probably wouldn't bother me but we are all different and find different things offensive, and I wouldn't talk to someone asking for advice like that. But that's just me

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 26/06/2014 16:58

Ha! If you stay on MN your going to hear a lot worse! FFS is nothing compared what is considered 'light' banter.

I'm sorry op if you thought I was attacking you, I just thought it was a bit childish what you posted.

I never bought dd something to give to her dad because he never got anything for her to give to me. I didn't even get CS. Nothing.

I wouldn't make an issue of what ex said. It was probably off the cuff and not intending to cause you to feel upset about it or harbour resentment.

I don't see why she would have to co-ordinate with you to make sure your dp has 'prezzies' to open either.

What's done is done. Dp got upset because his kids didn't come bearing gifts. You will know next year won't you.

Honestly pick your battles - this is small fry.

Original poster

Fluttercub · 26/06/2014 16:58

Ha lady I too have heard far worse but am just not used to having it directed at me tbh, it would seem what we do/did is not unusual, thank you again I will in future provide gifts not sure what to say to gran though with regards gifts for mum do we stop giving money or not

OP posts:

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 26/06/2014 17:01

themums you do know this is MUMSnet not NETmums don't you

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 26/06/2014 17:04

flutter ex can't have it both ways.

Get the dc card making things so they can make her something.

She probably won't be arsed though.

Original poster

Fluttercub · 26/06/2014 17:04

That is one thing we always make sure is paid plus anything the girls may need I guess it was just a shock to be referee to as "her" by someone I thought I got along with and almost considered on friendy terms with I suppose , I lot toughening up is needed I suppose for this stepmum

OP posts:

LadySybilLikesCake · 26/06/2014 17:04

I hear you

I'm the RP. I don't send my ex anything because he has nothing to do with ds. If he showed any interest, then I'd give ds some cash and direct him towards a shop. I get nothing either, no 'thank you', no 'you do a wonderful job caring for our child' or anything that shows he's remotely grateful, I'm not too bothered to be honest. I'm not sure I'd leave it to his new wife though, she's not really got too much to do with ds either.

Do what works for you and your family. If you're sending granny some cash for their mum then she's pretty much doing the same, only she's telling you to get him something. You're both passing the buck really.

TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 17:12

Never been on netmums. I'm not disagreeing with you softly, I don't think the mum should buy these things either. All I did was point out to another poster that what you wrote, could, to some, be seen as aggressive. I wouldn't type it personally but I also wouldn't get upset if you had said that to me.

yoyo27 · 26/06/2014 17:37

I always buy presents for my DP from his children...... I don't have a problem with that at all. Their mum wouldn't even know what he likes any more! When I collected them on the Friday before Father's Day, they had completely forgotten it was even Father's Day that weekend. They were upset!! Luckily I had already sorted it x

MostWicked · 26/06/2014 17:44

I don't think it is worth getting stressed over, just sort it out yourself if she's not doing it anymore. It's for your husband so why wouldn't you want to do it?
Her communication could have been better about it, but I think it is better being sorted by you anyway, and probably good for your relationship with your DSDs

MummyA1984 · 26/06/2014 17:50

We only see ss on and off (very difficult mum) but we had him on Father's Day so I bought him a card and present for dh. Dh ex gf would never in a million years get a gift for dh but in all honesty I'd find that odd. I'm happy to do the buying.

Original poster

Fluttercub · 26/06/2014 17:58

That's it most I wouldn't have minded in the slightest getting something had she said something to me but as it was the girls were upset at her attitude about it and not having anything for him and he was upset not about the gift because its usually just something small and a card it was more the card than anything because the girls write the cards themselves with lovely little notes saying how much they love and miss daddy etc , but yes Xmas will be sorted by me , think we will make a little day of pressie shopping and card picking

OP posts:

Elizabeth120914 · 26/06/2014 20:45

We do presents and cards although not on particularly friendly terms with ex! Last weekend me and dsd made the evil one a birthday cake and got flowers and card.. We always get pretty awful gifts one was a picture of dsd on a cushion with love u dad and my name on it.. !! We do it as dsd likes too and to appear civilised trust me I hate the woman but it's for dsd not us.

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 26/06/2014 20:55

Flutter I informed XP that I wouldn't be buying him any cards or presents this year on behalf of DS,3 and that I didn't want anything from him either. I think it is up to DS, when he's old enough, to do this. I don't think the XW is BU in this situation.

*Unfortunately, XP's mother thinks he should be getting expensive presents still so bought him a fathers' day card and present on DS' behalf

LineRunner · 26/06/2014 21:17

I don't personally think that exes should be organising presents for each other, no.

Children can make homemade cards if they themselves want to. They mean more, anyway.

wheresthelight · 26/06/2014 23:17

Just to throw it out there...I actually do think it is the exw who should be sorting these things out for the kids dad just as it should be him sorting them out for her. However your posts make it clear he doesn't bother instead leleaving it to gran to sort. If he can't be arsed then why should she be?

My dp has always made sure that his kids sorted out mothers day/birthday/Christmas pressies for his ex. Unfortunately she has never returned the sentiment. When I asked her if she was doing something so I avoided any dduplication I got told rudely that it was my problem as he lived with me now. Dp continued for some time to buy for her until she moved in with her bf and then he has stopped using her logic which has royally peed her off!!

I think op if your dp is likely to be upset then you have no choice than to prompt his kids to do something - tbh a homemade card will probably mean more than anything else!!

HonoraryOctonaut · 26/06/2014 23:24

I am divorced and have 2 children with my exH.

He always gets me a birthday/Christmas gift and a Mother's Day present from the DC (aged 10 and 12) even when I was in a long term relationship and living with someone else, had more children etc, it was still exH that arranged something from our DC.

I get him gifts from them too, his mum also gets him stuff incase I've forgotten (not that I have in 8 years!) but I make an effort for him just as he does for me. I wouldn't expect a new partner (not that he has one, but hypothetically) to buy presents for him from our DC.

Lauren83 · 27/06/2014 00:31

I buy my DP his fathers, Xmas and birthday presents off my dsd, he has never had anything off the ex, he did send her Mother's Day card and chocs once just as we got together but she never acknowledged them or returned the thought so I just sort it

brdgrl · 27/06/2014 01:05

If the children are too young to sort it themselves, then I think it is most meaningfully done by the current partner of the father or mother.

It's really, end of the day, about your DH's feelings, right? I wouldn't want DH to not get any recognition on his birthday or Father's Day, so I'd step in and help the kids sort it.

There's no ex in our equation - but I can imagine, actually, that I would really hate it if the ex were picking out Father's Day gifts for my DH!

Trollsworth · 27/06/2014 01:09

At eleven and eight, they are old enough to do it the,selves if they want to, and they clearly don't want to.

sandgrown · 27/06/2014 07:33

Flutter it was a perfectly valid question. DP would give DSC money to buy their mum gifts but when she got a new female partner she seemed to take over and took them shopping for gifts for their mum. When DH left me I got a present the first year. The second year I knew the OW had taken them because I got a really tasteless gift that cost about a pound. After that the kids bought their own. We often laugh that they bought me Milk Tray all the time because it was all they could afford from their pocket money. I gave them money to buy small gifts for ex-DH and even OW (who became wife) because they wanted to take something for Xmas/birthdays

BuzzLightbulb · 27/06/2014 08:20

I suppose it all depends whether you see your DSC's as 'family' or as DP and ex's kids?

When mine were younger I used to remind them to get organised for mother's day, and offer to take them shopping if they wanted to go somewhere to get something. But as I gave them a fair bit of pocket money I didn't pay for presents. Mine stayed with their mum full time so I did give a card as a gesture of appreciation.

On to family nbr 2....DP's kids never did mother's day at all, but DP did make them do Father's day (go figure) - which was usually a day DP's ex got to spend without the kids !!

If Mother's day happens when we have the DSC, I remind them it's coming and it's a special day for their mum, offer them money to spend but they still usually do sod all. I'm the one that buys the flowers and gets breakfast in bed organised, takes her out for lunch etc.

Bizarrely, if it's Father's day and they're with us, they're more likely to do something for their dad. We will remind them about that and we'll try and make sure they can get round to dad's if they want to.

Young kids like yours? For the small effort it takes to avoid the 'disappointed feelings' your DP has I would be the one to make sure it happens.

Each to their own though.

swissfamily · 27/06/2014 08:51

I do it for my DSD. I don't really have a problem doing it.

We also do Mother's Day gifts for DSD, because Mum doesn't have a partner.

bibliomania · 27/06/2014 13:41

One of those issues where there isn't a right or wrong way to do it.

DD is 6 and usually constucts a card and some tat a lovely handmade present at school. I think this year her dad took her into a shop anyway and got her to buy a present for him, as I saw him wearing a cheap tie with "World's Best Dad" on it. Oh, how I alughed.

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