Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

[Onthedoorstep]

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

If you are worried about being judged by my parents, that's your/their problem, nothing really to do with the school or your DSD. I know I've made some questionable choices with my DC because I want my parents' approval (which is pretty rare, tbh).

Is it more to do with the financial arrangement and the fact that you and DH are struggling financially that gets your back up more than you think. Maybe your family pick up on your resentment and make comments along the lines of 'why bother with a private education in the first place'.

Lose your resentment, surely you knew that this was part of the divorce agreement before you married him and appreciate that a parents' choice on how to educate their child is completely up to them. It has nothing to do with you or your family but I do feel for you as indirectly the parent's decision is affecting your situation but there is nothing you can do about it, so let go of the anger

I get you OP. It's a cultural thing as well as a political and financial thing.

So it costs a lot, but that is what your dh agreed to in the divorce settlement, at a difficult time in her life. (Actually, as someone who always grew up believing in the state sector too, I think that that is one of the big strengths of private/boarding schools - they are able to provide a level of ongoing pastoral support which overstretched state teachers struggle to maintain over any length of time because of other pressures)

And it is against your family's beliefs, which they have developed over years and fought for, working long hours in the state sector to try to ensure that their students have similar life opportunities to those in more privileged schools. Smile, nod, and perhaps say "Well, yes, it would be brilliant if everyone could enjoy Ancient Greek as much as you do"

But culturally, she is attending family dos with you, and her conversation is drawing attention to the fact that she comes from a very different world to your family. You, naturally, want her to fit in and are afraid that your family are judging her and you, for being quite different (a difference her mother and father have chosen for her and are paying for). Perhaps rather than being fearful of what your family feel, have a chat to them. Explain that it is hard for you, as you want your dsd to fit in with you all, but that this is the elephant in the corner. Then see if you can find things that you have in common, rather than things which highlight your differences. She is a child and hopefully your family will overlook their political feelings to make her feel welcome, and find things that they can talk to her about, rather than listening to her hold audience about the wonderful things she has done this term. They and she have chance to get to know someone different from each other, find common ground and be friends. Hope that you can find a way to make it work.

Fide: my family were he same. They let me choose my secondary school. In general they didn't care about my schooling much!

My family's response is largely awkward silence. They don't know what to say. They would usually take the piss. :)

I think that the objection that you can't afford it is a valid one.
However, if it was part of the settlement they I think you are just going to have to develop a Thicker skin and ignore your family and also just get over yourself

Longtallsally you have summarised it well. I don't see my family much though, so it is very difficult to build a mature relationship like that.

your family need to grow up and get some manners. How dare they make a child feel awkward about the school she attends (because her parents chose it for her?) and that she enjoys?

Jesus, I would be having words with them about their behaviour.

Are there other DCs around when DSD is "talking loudly" about her school? I have a god-daughter who was privately educated to age 11 & used to speak very loudly & obnoxiously to my DCs (and others) about how much better her school was than any state school could possibly be. How you get what you pay for etc. etc. If it's that kind of scenario with your DSD then I totally get why you would want her to stop talking about it.

However, if she is just saying how much she enjoys school - without the one-upmanship, then I don't see the problem. It is not her fault that her parents agreed to send her to this particular school. In fact, you probably should be grateful that she is getting the most out of her education & thereby not wasting your DH's money!

I think being completely against private education is an odd stance too - although I know you are not alone. My DCs have been/are state educated, but we are lucky enough to live somewhere with adequate decent state provision. Not everyone does. Ultimately, it's down to every parent to choose the best fit school for their DCs - and sometimes that school is private.

OP you say you don't see them often, yet their good opinion of you matters so much?

Yes I do want them to approve of me. They've helped me out a lot in the past, although we're not close. I don't think it's odd to want your family's blessing on your life choices

I've had that experience Santa, denigrating state school - and I waited for the parent to rein in the talk but it didn't happen!

If it is youthful enthusiasm for her school and its subjects then that's a different matter and nothing to be embarrassed by. (In fact I'd be glad of it!)

Would they be happier if she said that she hated it, the pressure, the one-upomanship, sexual abuse scandals? Then they could cluck at how the money was wasted and that shged be better off at the local comp.

We (my siste and I) had a choice at secpndary school to go state or private. We were all 'right on' and decided tha it was all snobs and privelege, and that we'd go state.

What a great big effing mistake that was! I was shy, bookish, tiny (short and a year ahead) and always in the top 3 of my year at primary. At secondary I was bullied, ostracied and my marks fell to pretty damn awful really. I scraped a degree and still feel like dummy the dumdum.

My school pals who went private all did exceptionally well.

To go against the tide a little, I think I can imagine what the OP is describing - as fidelineandfumblin says, is her manner when she does it quite off putting? And I can understand why you might find it grating and embarrassing.

Unless you have an amazing relationship, I'm not sure you could address it directly with her, unless it is more a general conversation about listening to other people and trying not to make them feel bad by boasting about yourself.

As the others say, at least she is happy at school, that is something to be thankful for!

Would it possibly be more accurate to say that it's your family's attitude to your SD that you find embarrassing rather than the school she goes to?
Because that's a damn sight easier to fix.

She is quite loud. There has been denigrating in the past, which puts me on edge. I really just wish it never came up, but as has been pointed out, what else can she talk about?!

"I don't think it's odd to want your family's blessing on your life choices"

No, it's very common. But that doesn't mean that it's helpful to you - as you're finding now.

How is you self-esteem generally? Sometimes in life we need the confidence to do something that we know is right for us, even though our family/friends may disagree.

Where do you stand on parents paying for private tutors when it comes to trying to get their children into the best state secondary?

I am guessing at the moment you do not have children in secondary education and I suppose the question you have to square with yourself is if you do not believe in private education when it comes to your own children you will not be helping them in any shape or form to prepare for the exams to get into the really outstanding state schools and are quite prepared for them to go to any state school. I don't know where you are but in my location having done the rounds of the open evenings and the daytime tours the general conclusion I have come to is the ones that are very good are oversubscribed by thousands and the ones that have places available you wouldn't send a dog to. having said that ds is about to start at a school in special measures that is having millions poured into it. The new HT has cleared out loads of the teaching staff and is recruiting new staff who are more capable. Ds's class has 12 pupils in it.

I would have loved to send him private but just could not afford it. It would have certainly saved me a lot of time.

OP have your family given their blessing on YOUR life choices? Because this isn't one of them. That's why I find it odd that their response would affect you so much.

I hoped that my parents would form a bond with my stepchildren and was sad that it didn't happen.

I think that really it was because a) they had very little understanding of the dynamics of stepfamilies and b) were only interested in grandchildren who were biologically theirs - this became very clear indeed when my own daughter was born.

However it might have helped bridged the rather large gap if my stepchildren's behaviour and upbringing had fitted in more with my own parents' prejudices.

I think it can be more than a bit difficult when you have some caring responsibilities for children but no real input into the choices that are made. My husband's ex was very very clear that my stepchildren were to be coached for grammar school entrance. We were skint at the time, wearing jumble sale clothes, buying the stickered food at the supermarket, and shelling out for private tuition was not something I felt deliriously happy about.

And I still remember my stepson parroting what he'd heard from his mum and his friends to some children I'd invited round 'But don't you think grammar schools are the best?' he asked them.

The other children had no particular views on the subject, but I just felt my stepson came over as sounding like a rather insulated/spoilt child with zero social awareness.

Grit your teeth - she won't be at school forever. And presumably your side of the family knows that this wasn't a choice you would have made, and are sympathetic to the need for compromise in step-families.

But OP, this isn't your life choice, is it?

It's the choice of your DH and his ex. Surely your family can see that?

Marianne I think your post is a perfect illustration of how we expect children to nimbly navigate challenging territories that adults (your parents, and to some extent you - when labelling stepson as having zero social awareness) clearly have great difficulties in navigating with any kind of grace.

It's important to remember who are the adults here - who can reasonably be expected to have well-developed social awareness - and who are the kids - who are still learning (and in the case of step-families, in a more complex environment than many of us had to cope with as kids).

You sound terribly disapproving about your husbands ex.

I would be furious if my family had negative things to say about my stepchild. Furious. The child of the man you love and the sibling of your own children. She's just a child.

It's nothing to do with your family. Tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. Walk away if they have anything negative to say.

Perhaps your husbands daughter will go on to be a successful young woman and your parents will maybe learn that the school that you go to is not the sum of your being.

I really just wish it never came up, but as has been pointed out, what else can she talk about?!

Films, TV, Current events, Weather, Spectator sports, Fashion. Hobbies. Almost anything!

Oops rogue capital-fest

Surely the point is DSD is now part of your immediate family and we all warn DC that Great Aunt Maud has strange ideas about Germans or that Grandma has a weird evangelism about the medicinal properties of banana skins and it is therefore better to avoid those subjects somewhat at wider family gatherings?