Dsd private schooled: I find it embarassing

[Onthedoorstep]

Just that really.

My family are all teachers! In state schools. Private schooling was something I was brought up to think it inherently wrong.

Dsd goes to a well known private school. Dh and I struggle financially but this was part of his divorce agreement.

Dsd is a teenager and talks loudly about it a lot - what I did in Ancient Greek / hockey today / how amazing my school is.

I find it so Embarassing that it's making me want to avoid family events. I don't know how to handle it AT ALL.

Please talk some sense into me. This is becoming a massive issue for me.

So she actually does refrain making offensive comments. I don't know what more you want really.

I do have an issue when DSD puts down other people's lives/choices, when they differ from hers.

DH is very good at dealing with it; he ducks the class issue altogether, and talks about being polite, respectful and tolerant.

But she's so young ... I was a total dick at that age and talked all kinds of bollocks, probably in the same way. A Tony Benn speech changed me; perhaps you could play them in her room when she sleeps.

No, really, tolerance. Ignore me

I'd be more likely to be embarrassed if my dsd went to the roughest state school in the area and couldn't talk properly...

I find baffling that a grown woman needs the approval of her family so badly that she is embarrassed by a child talking about where she is educated

Aquilegia: :)

I suppose in many ways you are talking about prejudice.

Yours (and your family's) against pupils from private schools.
Her's (not articulated but implied) believing state schools are rough.

Hopefully with time she will continue to learn to be more accepting, will you too?

AllThatGlistens - as a counterpoint to your perspective, DH is occasionally very embarrassed by his DD. He is from a very working class background and his DD's often insensitive announcements about her school and how much better than state schools it is have offended and irritated her own family a great deal.

I see a big difference between "Oh, I got an optimum at Latin" (at most, irritating to a sensitive ear) and "Oh, I'd hate to go to a comp - private schools give you so much more" (in front of cousin who is at local comp).

And the fact we can talk to her about the latter speaks volumes to me. Ultimately, any chippiness about Latin is the problem of the listener.

Although they have my sympathy. ANY kind of proclamation that can be seen as boasting can be irritating. I get annoyed when my mate talks about the tedium of having breasts too big for a swimsuit (as I dsperately search for a padded job) ... it's just human nature, no? As long as no one thinks it's ok to be unkind to a child, I think we can excuse our inner irritation.

Totally an aside. I went to a state school and did Ancient Greek and Latin. Is it not possible any more?
What do they teach now?

Back to thread. Yabu. Try to find some subject for her to discuss with your family, but avoid sex, religion and politics, something tells me it would not go well in your gang.

you don't seem to be prepared to accept that your family are possibly the problem here. Do they only engage with people who are the same as them or are they able to converse with those from all walks of life? Because right now it sounds like you want the approval of some rather bigoted and narrow-minded people. It might also interest them to know that quite a number of children will be at private school because they have, in one way or another, been failed by the state school system - perhaps you could point out to your family next time that no method of education is perfect or suits everyone.

I think you should be glad your DSD wants to tell you about her day and is not a teen who shuts the bedroom door on family.
As a teacher /family of teachers the lack of an open mind or even willingness to reflect on the practices you are hearing about (they may be better, they may be worse but surely food for thought/discussion) does not show the teaching profession in the best light.

There seem to be a number of posters here who seem to be saying that it doesnt matter at all what the op's family thinks of her.
I find that most odd.

I have lots of confidence, but I would like my family to at least like me!

A Tony Benn speech changed me; perhaps you could play them in her room when she sleeps.

Of course Kinsorange it can really matter what your family thinks- but I think it would be unreasonable for a family to stop liking someone because they married into a family where a child goes to private school! I would hope that a family's affection goes deeper than that.

Having said that I know some families that would stop liking someone if they married into a family with a Man U supporter maybe it's a bit like that!

I think it is you and your family who are the problem here not your poor DSD.

FWIW I have two DC at private school and my exH's family did not approve of this. But at least they have always had the grace to put that aside and embrace their education, attend school events and congratulate their grandchildren on their academic achievements.

I suspect your DSD is socially very confident and (hopefully) is just not mature enough to read the situation. But at least she is happy at school - a real bonus in a teenager

kinsorange of course we care about whether our families like us. But that doesn't need to define us, and happiness is possible even if we do something our families disapprove of.

So I know that my family are uncomfortable with my atheist/humanist views, and everything would be easier if I could just conform and go along with the Christmas and baptisms. But I can't help my beliefs any more than they can help theirs. So for my general mental health, I need to find a way to accommodate that low-level disapproval while still feeling good about myself.

But that doesn't need to define us

Can you explain that a bit more please?
I think I understand but am not sure.

I suppose I am a great believer in family.

Baffled. Completely.

I work for the NHS but I'm not embarrassed nor do I think its wrong if someone chooses to pay for private health care.

I can't for the life of me understand why on earth you would be embarrassed??! Or think private education is wrong! Surely it's up to the parents to decide whether they want to pay for their child's education.

But the DSD is a member of the family too. Its not like she has packed in school to run off to [insert your own 'horror' here].

She is going to school, which her parents have agreed to send her to. Its not her fault if her 'crime' is in the eyes of her step family - its not like she can change it, can she?

Family is great, when they aren't being judgemental arses.

Juno321, would you still think it tactful though to not talk too much about an 80k + operation you were having privately, to someone on the nhs waiting list for the same op?
not exactly the same, but similar enough for the principal of tact to apply

I'm with you, OP. I'd find it quite tedious. I find most privately educated kids a bit tedious. Instilling 'confidence' arrogance seems to be part of the territory, but also tends to get them into good jobs. I think, as other posters have said, dh needs to jump on boastful tones (in anything, whether that's holidays or school or whatever) as it is highly unattractive in anyone, let alone a teenager - but genuine enjoyment of hockey or latin is ok even if grates a tiny bit. Learning social nuances is part of growing up. As an adult, she should be able to get along with anyone without grating too much, and enable others to feel comfortable around her. She is learning this and probably needs some help with it (not that it would be great coming from you though).

Onethedoorstep, heres a thought.
Invite one or two of dsd's friends round and you may be in for a surprise.

My dsd has a tendency to boast at the best of times but I also felt a bit ill at ease when she (or her younger brother) used to "bray" about their fantastic private school with the indoor swimming pool. Once I met their friends I seriously appreciated how low key their boasts were in comparison.
In the end, (dh and the ex could not afford the fees that easily either) dsd decided to change schools herself (found a more liberal, non fee paying one to her liking, not like the ultra conservative one she had been attending) where she fits in better. Basically she had been "talking herself up" simply to survive the cut throat world of the nouveau riches.
Her brother, more open about being unhappy in the private school, now hopes to change also.
I, too, thought that perhaps it was the high fees or some mad resentment on my part that envied them, but it was simply me picking up on their discomfort and wish to fit in, not me having to do cartwheels to "accept" and "get over myself".
PS I know a lot of private schools where I live and some, unfortunately, do cultivate a superior atmosphere rather than a love of learning, so not attacking those here who are investing in their child's future! I found a great school for ds, too. State with benefits, so to say.

I don't understand how it is embarrassing you. How can a decision taken by her parents be perceived to be any reflection on you? The family members you refer to must know that you didn't choose the school and don't condone it either.

As an aside, your family sound quite prejudiced and narrow minded. Why don't you just relax a bit and accept that people make the best decision they can for their children based on location, means, availability, what the child is like etc. It isn't just private=evil and state=good. It's all a bit of a minefield, even within both systems. Read some of the threads on here about admissions!